Chapter 38 - Rumours are rarely true

Despite feigning carelessness, I spent quite a while watching Sophia in hopes of understanding her. The easiest way would have perhaps been to approach her myself but I couldn't bring myself to do that. There was a discomfort I couldn't shake that held me in place and prevented me from speaking to her properly. With the others, I had done my best to approach them as I would any other person. In doing so, we had found similarities that brought us closer together. It might have been the same for Sophia but instead I kept a safe distance, unsure of why I felt like I was always on thin ice around her. At any moment, the ground would give way beneath me and I would fall endlessly to some place I have no knowledge of. I was teetering on the edge of approaching her every time the opportunity presented itself, but it would pass just as fast, while I was busy with my indecisiveness.

Half of me was watching her with wary eyes but the other half was watching just for the sake of it. She brought with her an aura of authority that people could not tear their eyes away from. I knew it from the moment I met her, but every time I saw her it was like I was seeing her for the first time all over again. The overwhelming feeling that would consume me in her presence would never fade, I couldn't desensitise myself to it no matter how many times I would experience it. It was proving to be extremely difficult to see beyond the initial image of strength which she portrayed. Strength was ambiguous in its nature given that it could be used in any which way, whether good or bad. Underneath all of that would lie every clue to guide me towards who she truly was, but I could never get to it. No matter how often she would speak or what she would say, it never felt like she was being honest. Her eyes would never seem to be in complete agreement with what her mouth would utter. Sophia was either the most difficult person to understand our of everyone I had encountered, or I was trying to place meaning where there was none. It wasn't highly unreasonable to assume that I was overthinking everything and misunderstanding her genuineness.

Since I couldn't bring myself to confront her, I resorted to hearing what others had to say about her. It was hypocritical, no doubt about it. For me, who had always been surrounded by false rumours, to rely on such information in an attempt to understand someone. It was shameful, and I could feel self hatred bubbling up each time I would catch my ears turning to the direction where her name was uttered. Although I knew why I was wary and doing everything to seek out any piece of information, at times I felt as though I was acting in an obsessive manner. I was unaware of where the boundary lay between healthy and unhealthy interest. All of my life I had people sticking their nose into my business, it's no wonder I struggled to differentiate the two.

As one would expect, people are more likely to speak badly of someone than compliment them behind their back. Over the course of the last month I heard so much about her that had I been ignorant to the falsehoods that these same people previously spoke, I would have likely believed them. The information ranged from her apparently unhealthy relationship with men to useless knowledge such as subjects she struggled most with. It felt as though the same rumours were constantly being recycled but this time, they exchanged my name with hers. Given that, it was difficult for me to use any of this information and think of it as the truth. It would be far more reasonable for me to take a gamble on whether she was a decent person. At least then I would have a fifty percent chance of being correct.

Though I say that she was surrounded by negative backchat, opinions were divided. Those who liked her, near enough worshipped her very being. On the other hand, those who disliked her, used every breath to speak cruelly about her. It seemed like almost everyone was at one end of the spectrum, one extreme or another. She was easy to love with her outgoing personality. It was understandable why people would vouch for her. In regards to those who dislike her however, the reasons varied. They seemed to be much less reasonable and at times didn't make much sense. It was very much like they wanted to hate her, just for the sake of hating her. There was no reason behind it, but they would use any excuse to convince themselves and others that she deserved it. To put it simply, having a target of hatred was entertainment for them. Maybe it had to do with all of the academic pressure they were under, or maybe it had to do with the fact that they were still growing and had not yet left behind their immaturity, but they found joy in creating a small community based solely on loathing others.

In desperation, afraid of becoming someone I wouldn't be able to live with, I turn to Adelphos for his opinion. 

"What do you think about Sophia?" I ask abruptly. We were spending lunch together as I called him out for help. I was anything but subtle in my interest in her, but subtly wasn't needed when I was with him. He was someone who wouldn't be doubtful of my intentions, always trusting me regardless of all else. 

"In what ways?" He asks cautiously, unaware of whether I was perhaps insinuating something between the two of them. While that wouldn't be much of a shock given how often I have seen them together, I was quick to clarify otherwise. 

"As a person, what do you think of her? I'm not sure how exactly to word it ... Do you think she's a good person?"

He takes a few moments to think things over and recall all of the exchanges he's had with her thus far. That was one thing I loved most about him, he did everything with full sincerity. Even if this question wasn't important to him, he would give it his all in case it was of importance to me. 

"I can't say I know her well enough to decide that." He takes another break to think.

"Most of the time, she's speaking to Helios so I don't know her all that well. At the very least, I haven't seen her do or heard her say anything that would be potentially worrying." He turns to me once he's finished. 

"Can I ask why you want to know?"

The way he spoke was gentle, assuring me that it was a request and not a demand. Had I wished to keep it a secret, he would've accepted that and moved on. He didn't pry where he didn't need to, having full faith that I would tell him anything that was important. At times that faith would smother me with guilt. Wasn't I keeping the biggest secret of all, about who I was and what this world was?

"No particular reason. I was just wondering because I've seen her around the two of you quite often."

"Do you want to ask Helios for his opinion?" He was looking at me as though he was searching for a specific answer.

"Why would I need to do that when I've already asked you?" I answered simply. He looked at me questioningly for a second more before going back to normal.

"You're right, I was just asking since he's spoken to her more than I have. Anyway, I don't see any reason to believe that she is a bad person. I'm aware that many people have their opinions about her but we both know not to believe random people's inputs, don't we?"

I felt my cheeks going red from shame as he said that. The mere thought that I had entertained the idea of solely relying on what strangers had to say made me feel unbelievably silly. I lower my head and simply nod in agreement, too ashamed to make a single sound. I knew little more than I had previously known but somehow I felt a huge burden being taken off of my shoulders. With the few words Adelphos had spoken, he had offered me a peace of mind that he may perhaps never understand. My faith in Adelphos was just as much as his faith in me. I knew that now I could be less wary and breathe a little easier. If he thought that she wasn't likely to be harmful, I would take his word for it.

I could finally stop my mindless obsession with trying to understand Sophia.

Time remaining: 29 days