Chapter 23 - Unconditionally

As we arrive at our destination I see Elina's head peaking out of my dorm window. I could only hope she hadn't been waiting for me the entire time, but something tells me that might be the case. Already feeling tired imagining how many questions I would be bombarded with upon opening the door, I begin to say goodbye to Nicholas.

"Thanks for showing me the way. I'll get going now. Make sure to get back to your dorm safely." It was too formal of a farewell but I didn't wish to prolong the conversation, the back of my head itching from where Elina was probably staring at me.

"That's it?" he asks, expecting our earlier teasing to continue, but upon seeing my straight face he seemed to have understood that now was not the time. "You're welcome, I'll be going now. Bye."

After watching him walk away, I walk with significant speed towards where Elina was. As expected, the moment I had opened the door, she pounced on me.

"How did it go? What did he say? Did you both agree not to go through with the engagement?" She spoke with excitement, likely expecting a different answer than the truth.

Though I had seen this reaction coming, what I had not been prepared for was Helios and Adelphos' presence. They seemed to be just as eagerly waiting for my response, eyes wide open in search for any signs of answers on my face. I couldn't help but let out a sigh, already knowing how taxing this conversation would be. I make my way to sit on my bed and get comfortable before responding, not wanting to standing around for the duration of the interrogation. As I walk past them, they all swivel in my direction and inch towards me as though they were ducklings. It would have been cute to see if not for their overprotective nature shining through this entire ordeal.

I begin to tell them about our conversation and revised plan, not missing the way their faces continued to drop the further I got into it. Even if it isn't what they wanted, I made it clear that we had exhausted all other options, unless we wanted to continue being hounded by other prospective partners. I continued to speak until I had covered all grounds and left no stone unturned. Only after I had explained everything did I leave room for proper conversation. Although nodding their heads as though they understood, they continued to look extremely disappointed.

" - and that's all that happened". I sit and wait for their response but they remained quiet for a while, causing me to worry.

"Can't you just tell father that you want to focus on your education and aren't interested in marriage at the moment?" asks Adelphos as if I hadn't already considered that.

"He'd understand but do you think others would? Do you think that would stop people from introducing themselves to me or from people speaking badly of me? Do you think society would look kindly upon a woman who shows more interest in studies than building a family? I can already imagine the rumours, like maybe I have something wrong with me so I'm struggling to settle down. Listen..." I pause to allow myself time to calm down before continuing in a gentler voice. "

I understand you have good intentions, but you're only looking through your eyes, not through the eyes of a woman living in a patriarchal society."

Silence fell upon us. Both Helios and Adelphos looked ashamed for not considering the situation from my point of view, despite it being specifically about me. Though I felt bad seeing them avoiding eye contact in embarrassment, it was important for them to understand that life was not the same for men as it was for women. Though it was wrong, that was reality. I had experienced the difference enough times in my past life. I remember when I was told that my weight loss was leading to a failing reproductive system, my first thought was how I would be scrutinised. Was I now somehow less of a woman in the eyes of the world? Did I no longer hold value if I was unable to have children? Was I now undesirable? At age 15 I was thrown into the deep end, having to learn to define my own worth with no one to guide me. In my mind, it was the moment that I began to introspect and work towards building my own identity that I had finally become an adult.

"Couldn't you just do that with brother instead of a stranger?" Elina asks, whining.

"Yeah, that wouldn't attract any unwanted attention would it?" I respond sarcastically. "I love you all but you need to stop. It's what I have decided and that's the most important thing given that it is my own problem. Elle, I've listened to what you've said and made changes. I'm going to need you to have the same amount of respect for me, and accept that ultimately it is my decision what I choose to do."

She lowered her head, visibly upset at my harsh refusal. "Okay" she whispered in a shaky voice.

The tense atmosphere refused to dissipate. It remained while they helped my unpack and it remained when we said goodbye to one another. Very quickly the home I built around them felt like it was crumbling apart. They couldn't understand why I did things the way I did and I couldn't tell them everything. Misunderstandings were frightening like that. Though I let down my walls for them, they failed to recognise that.

The following day things were slightly better. We were together helping Elina finish unpacking. Perhaps sleep was enough to fix us, or maybe it was distance. Either way, when we came back together we started anew, as though nothing was wrong. It was good to maintain this happiness amongst ourselves, but I knew it would eventually begin to wane. Any problems not dealt with would soon come crawling back to the surface, and harass us until there was nothing left of 'us'. I was afraid in a way that most people couldn't understand. My mind wouldn't stop forming catastrophic thoughts. It continued to feed me with negativity until I was heaving, trying to physically remove it from my body. I was constantly aware of this ticking time bomb that would take place the moment lessons had started, afraid of every passing minute. I was suffocating in my own thoughts, my panic attacks taking on the form of choking and causing me to hyperventilate. I had too much to do and too little time.

While we were in Elina's dorm, finishing up, I abruptly begin to speak with no knowledge of what to say, but knowing I had to say something. "I'm sorry", I speak to the ground, too afraid to look up.

The apology rolled off my tongue so easily, a habit that wouldn't go away. Apologising was second nature to me, always knowing I had to give in regardless of who was in the wrong.

"What for?" my brother ask slowly, cautiously even.

"I came off harsh yesterday. It's just ..." I ruffle my hair, forcing my brain to form a coherent sentence so that they can understand. "I just felt like I wasn't being heard... Or maybe not understood. I'm not sure, I can't explain it. I felt like you were all refusing to understand where I was coming from, like I was a child who didn't know anything. I mean, I know you all mean well, I understand that and truly appreciate it. I was just extremely frustrated at the time. I'm sorry for lashing out at you all for it, you shouldn't have to bearing the brunt of it..." My head did not raise once, not wanting to be deterred by their possible expressions. I needed to say this and say it properly.

Before I could continue to apologise, I felt a finger under my chin, raising my head until I was eye level with the person in front of me. To my surprise, the deep blue eyes and blinding blonde hair before me did not belong to Elina, but to Helios. He was crouched down, staring into my eyes for a beat too long to be considered normal. He began speaking while his finger remained beneath my chin, refusing to let me look away.

"You have nothing to apologise for." It was short and sweet.

"But -" I started before I was quickly interrupted.

"Nothing", he repeats with a stern gaze. "You're right, we didn't listen to you. That was our fault and I truly am sorry for that. What you said was justified and we needed to hear it to understand your choices better. Don't put yourself down when you've done nothing wrong."

Ah, here come the waterworks, I thought before the tears started trickling down. Some part of me still becomes overwhelmed when faced with genuine kindness. As he begins to wipe my tears thinking nothing of it, my fondness towards him grows. Behind him I see the other two targets of my fondness, seemingly fretting over what to do, which instantly brings a smile to my lips. How could I have such catastrophic and unrealistic thoughts? How could I think that these people would leave me behind when they've shown me nothing but utmost compassion? Though I suppose fear does not always abide to the rules of logic.

As Helios continued to wipe my tears that were slowly coming to an end, I felt myself subconsciously pressing my face further into his hands. Although I knew we weren't alone, for a split second, it felt like it was truly only the two of us. We were hanging on an uncomfortable thread, unaware of what our relationship was and what boundaries were. We were neither close friends as we had been years ago, but we were also not strangers or enemies. We speak words of distance but here, at this very moment, the very thing we lacked was distance. As we both came to that realisation at the same time, we pulled apart just enough for Elina to envelope me in her warm arms.

On days when I would dissociate and struggled to feel, I would constantly wonder was whether I was still me. A cup would remain a cup, whether full or empty, but could the same be said about me? Was I still me, was I even a human, without emotions to show for it? Today I had found the answer to that question. To them I was at times soft and at other times harsh and distant, but I was still me in all my glory. Time after time they had proven that I was still me when I was whole, and I was still me when I was broken into thousands of pieces. They had shown me that they would love me as I was, unconditionally.