Chapter 21 - Change of plans?

If I had to choose what my biggest weakness was, it would probably be my recklessness. I'm not sure why I always act before thinking, only to later realise my mistake and regret my actions. For the past two years, I've had the privilege of acting as I wish but was that truly because I was free? As much as I wanted to not think too deeply about such matters, I couldn't help but wonder whether this freedom was to be short-lived. Was it only because my actions until now didn't matter, were they not significant enough to warrant concern about the coming future? I was far too aware of the fact that the prologue would be beginning in two days, once lessons would begin. Should things follow the course of the game, there would be 4 months left until I would be executed for attempting to assassinate Elina. Though there is no doubt in my mind that the present me wouldn't wish any harm upon her, I cannot foresee every possible event that could lead to the assassination attempt. The original Persephone was blinded by love for Theodore. Jealous of the Elina who managed to gain his attention, she wanted her out of the picture. Somehow she believed that with Elina gone, she could have a chance to win over Theodore. She was ... naive, to say the least. To attempt to murder someone, let alone a princess, for someone who disregards her very existence... it's difficult to find any word to truly describe how simple minded she was.

Despite the fact that I was not engaged to Theodore, there was still a fear that I would wake up and be the same Persephone I had previously been, acting mindlessly to fulfill my role. There is no greater fear to me than being unable to be in control of myself. I constantly find myself waking in cold sweat, trying to distinguish dream from reality. The fear consumes me until I question every one of my actions with great scrutiny. Was this what I had truly wanted or was I made to want this? Are these my own thoughts or were they instilled within me? I remain vulnerable and unstable until a clear answer comes to me. Wouldn't it be great if I could somehow test whether I had the power to change main events, whether I was truly myself? But until the 4 months were over, it would be difficult to tell whether I had escaped and found a way to survive. Would the hard work in put in over the years, go to waste within the next 4 months? Only time would tell. I would have to sit back and watch it play out before me, watching carefully for whether it would end as a tragedy.

The most pressing matter at the moment, was my relationship with Nicholas. Perhaps because I was in a good mood, I felt like taking a risk. I thought little when accepting his proposal but I was soon brought back to reality when later that night, Elina yelled at me for my impulsive behaviour. That day we had finished our outing earlier than expected as everyone looked somewhat drained of energy. After parting with our brothers, Elina and I walked to our dorms in silence. No one was talking much since I had gotten back and in fear of making the situation worse, I also remained silent. As I began to open my door to my room, I turned to say goodbye to Elina. Rather than seeing her standing before the door of her own room, she was obscuring my view as she barged into mine.

There was an emotion I had never seen her show before. Somehow she was both Elina and not. Where had the softness I had associated with her gone? Where was my soft voice that was bordering whispering? Where were her dimples that often appeared when I was around? It was odd how unrecognisable she was at the moment. I searched her face for any trace of herself but only found fury staring back.

She sat down on my bed, arms crossed with a stern look on her face. Unlike how our friendship had usually been, for the first time I felt like I was younger than her. I knew I was about to be told off, in the way teachers would reproach misbehaving children. I tentatively closed the door behind me and inched closer to where she was sitting, getting myself ready for a scolding.

"How could you do that?! I mean, does it make sense? You- you only just met him. You didn't even consult any of us. Not one of us! Do we mean nothing to you? An engagement isn't a joke, it isn't something to agree to on a whim!" She was yelling so much that she was struggling to find the right words in the midst of being blinded by rage.

Unaware of how to respond I remained silent until she became a calmer and was able to hold a proper conversation. I was aware that speaking to someone full of rage is like speaking to a wall so I waited patiently for her yelling to subside. Given her gentle nature it came as no surprise that she took her very little time to compose herself.

"Listen...", she sighs as she rests her head on her palms. "Walk me through this. What happened while we were gone?"

Understanding that she's able to listen to me now, I begin. "So... you're already aware that I've been receiving a lot of proposals, right?"

"From people trying to climb up the ladder, yes. What about it?"

"Well he's in a similar situation. Since I had to choose someone anyway, he was the best candidate... It's a give and take, 'you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours'." I spoke quietly, each word leaving my mouth reminding me of how silly I was.

"So what was the plan? You chose him because he fit the criteria and you were both stuck? Was it sympathy?" She spoke in her usual tone again, though there was also a hint of misplaced concern.

"It-", I was wondering whether to tell her everything. "It's a ... temporary engagement ..." I whisper. Slowly looking up to see her reaction, I see that she is more stunned than she had been earlier at the restaurant.

"What do you mean temporary?" I didn't need to look to know that she was clenching her jaw.

"We'd be engaged for as long as it suits us... As soon as we no longer want or need it, we cancel it"

She takes in a deep breath. "Is this a joke? And when you need to break it off, what then? How would you tell both of your parents? Would you be able to lie and look them in the eyes when they're disappointed and upset?! Leaving that aside, do you know how you would be looked upon by society? I'm not sure whether Nicholas grew up under a rock, but at least you should know that you're at a disadvantage. They'd tear you apart as soon as the engagement was cancelled! Leaving even that aside, your family would struggle to find someone new for you." She sighs once again.

"Seph... you know what this world is like to women... this could ruin you. I'm earnestly asking you to just rethink this." She grabs my hands. "Please, just- just take a few days to properly think this over. Not about how it will be during the time that he's your fiancé, but what will happen after you're single again. If you still think this is the best option, then I won't stop you."

Although she was finished talking, I could see her eyes continuing to plead. She wasn't wrong, there were many things I overlooked. I was just anxious to get a headstart on changing my future. Afraid that the wind would blow me back on track, back to being engaged to Theodore. I was rushing myself. I didn't want to think about anything, thinking would leave too much time for things to go wrong. Although I wouldn't be able to know anything until months later, I was cautiously avoiding any death flags. Aware of every little thing that could go wrong, I was riddled with anxiety. Still, I couldn't speak to anyone about it. What would I even say? Irrespective of my anxiety, Elina's concerns were not unfounded. I needed to rethink everything and consult Nicholas properly.

"Okay." I respond with a smile. "You're right, I hadn't thought that far ahead. I'll reconsider the agreement."

She lets out a heavy breath and allows her body to relax. I hadn't been aware of just how tense her body was until she had released her hold on it. "Thank you for listening to me." I walk up to give her a small hug as a way of responding.

Nicholas and I would need to meet, and very soon.