Episode 1: Meeting the Dragon God

I couldn't possibly believe it. I was walking down a road one day, in the year 2021, when a truck ran me over. How did this even happen? I was on the sidewalk, on the opposite side of the road from the truck, and THIS happened!

Well... I might have to blame alcohol on the driver's part. That's the only way to be positively sure. I mean, really, what other idea is there to have?

I lay there, in a pool of my blood, looking at the ground below me as I couldn't help but feel... well... dead. Was I supposed to be in my body for what had to be the longest time until I got buried in some cemetery in the county? Or was my soul supposed to move on by now? I do not know... or, rather, I should know by now. Where is my ticket out of this life?

"ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE, YOUNG MORTAL," a booming voice that sounded suspiciously like a dragon's said... from above my body? Wait, how did I know a dragon sounded like that? This makes little sense, doesn't it?

Still, not like I had a choice in this summons, did I? I felt my soul leave my body and float upwards, ready to meet the being who spoke like a dragon, and... wait, wait, wait. Isn't that the dragon from Dragon Heart X? The one that shows up when summoned on planet Lizardman, when evil Dr. Freezer attempted to get immortality?

"NO, I AM NOT THAT BOUND DRAGON, YOUNG MORTAL, NOR WILL I EVER BE BOUND," the dragon said. "YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOUR BRAIN TO MOUTH FILTER, IT SEEMS."

I stood ramrod straight at that. I said all that out loud? I feel doomed...

"QUITE, YOUNG MORTAL," the dragon said. "NOW, ONTO THE MATTER I HAVE COME TO YOU FOR, HUMAN."

Oh, boy... this is going to suck, I just know it. Come on... where's the Pearly Gates of Heaven when I need them to show up?

"I AM HERE TO GIVE YOU A DEAL, YOUNG MORTAL," the dragon said. "EITHER YOU HELP ME OUT WITH A PEST PROBLEM IN ONE OF MY REALMS, OR YOU GET TO GO STRAIGHT TO AN AFTERLIFE FILLED WITH MUCH ANGUISH IN THIS REALM. WHICH WILL IT BE?"

Both... sound especially unappealing, I'll admit. How do I know which is even better? Oh, wait, I can just ask about that.

"Begging your pardon, great sir," I said, trying to be as respectful as possible. "What do you mean by a 'pest problem', exactly?"

The dragon blinked rapidly before it chuckled for a few seconds. "SIMPLE, YOUNG MORTAL," it said. "A LARGE AMOUNT OF SPRITE DRAKES HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THOSE WHO WOULD USE THEM FOR NEFARIOUS MEANS. YOUR JOB IS TO GET THE KIDNAPPED SPRITE DRAKES ALL THE WAY HOME TO THEIR ANCESTRAL HOME."

"And who has been kidnapping them?" I asked.

"A VILE NECROMANCER AND HIS MINIONS HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPING THEM FOR A LONG TIME, NOW," the dragon said. "IF LEFT UNCHECKED, ALL THE SPRITE DRAKES OF THIS REALM WILL BE KILLED OVER SOMETHING THEY HAD NO CONTROL OVER, WHICH IS WHERE YOU COME INTO PLAY."

"How am I supposed to come into play?" I asked. "I'm not exactly sure what your end game is, here, but I don't think I'll be helping you if you don't explain properly."

"YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO BECOME KING OF ALL SPRITE DRAKES AT YOUR DISPOSAL, YOUNG MORTAL," the dragon told me. "SO SPEAKS THE DRAGON GOD, BAHAMUT, WHO HAS THE AUTHORITY OVER ALL POWERS IN THE REALMS ASSOCIATED."

Er... what? This is looking like I'm going crazy. How am I supposed to deal with this level of bologna right now? I don't get it one bit. Either way... whatever I do next needs to be based on what is supposed to happen. That is me going to Heaven. So... what do I tell this dragon god from a foreign universe?

"IF YOU DESIRE HEAVEN, YOU'LL GO THERE AFTER HELPING ME OUT," the dragon said. "OTHERWISE, THE AFTERLIFE OF THE EVIL ONES WILL BE YOUR ULTIMATE DESTINATION."

Ugh... no choice to it, is there? I don't want to go to Hell, fer cryin' out loud! I guess I have no other choice in the matter... I give my answer as a nod.

"EXCELLENT, YOUNG MORTAL," the dragon said... wait. I need to address him as Bahamut, don't I? "NOW, CLENCH YOUR BUTTCHEEKS, AS POPULAR MEDIA WOULD TELL YOU TO DO."

"Clench my buttcheeks? What are you--" I asked, but then I felt my soul compress on itself, which... actually hurt me on a metaphysical level? The heck? How am I supposed to feel pain when I'm already dead?

"WHEN THE PAIN STARTS, IT COMES FROM THE BUTT, YOUNG MORTAL. NO OTHER WAY AROUND IT," Bahamut told me. "HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THIS NOW."

I couldn't exactly give him a coherent reply now, could I? I mean, I was too busy being compressed into a different form altogether... one that was far more likely to get stronger faster, but only if I knew what I was doing. How did that happen, anyway? I mean, how did I know that?

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Eventually, my soul quit compressing into this form I was forced to assume. I feel like a bag of tripe, to be honest. How was I supposed to be a king at this rate? Actually, before I worry about the kingship I'm supposed to assume, what happened to me? I shouldn't be anything other than a human, I get that, but... this form I'm in is too tiny to be that of a regular human. Also, am I flying? Uh-oh... this means one thing only.

"CHIRP!!" I cry out, only to realize I wasn't speaking in the human tongue.

Yep... I'm a dragon, now. Also, from the sounds of it, a baby dragon, too. Now, how the heck am I supposed to get out of this mess alive in the first place, anyway?