solace

This chapter is purely based on Lan Zhan's feelings. Please enjoy their moment.

For me time stops. Those same eyes. That same loopsided toothy smile. His radiating innocence.

Is it true? Have I finally met you? Are you for real? Is my heart finally beating? Do you remember me? Do you know how many minutes have I counted for this encounter? Can you perceive my longingness for you?

Why?

Why do I feel this way? Who are you to me? Why is it that my heart is so at ease, yet I am so scared to approach you?

No, I can't approach you!

What if you're taken away from me? I have lost a lot, this soul can't loose you too. Your memory is all I have!

But, when I see your toothy smile, my heart melts again. You've changed, young boy. You look so different, yet still the same. Your aura is so pure.

My gaze freezes on your mole. So it wasn't my imagination. It is true. They do exist.

Do you still have the toy that I gave you? I gave you something that was precious to me. Unaccounted tears that have been shed, the world will never see, but I have shared it all with your memories. Do you know what they mean to me? Could I be that courageous to ever confess?

The white Gusu robe that you have donned, suits you. But this place is not for souls like you. You won't be accepted here. Your free spirit will be crushed.

I fear when my gaze lingers at the alcohol in your hand. No! No! Take it back! If Uncle catches you with that, he would punish you severely! I can take all his punishments, but it would burn my core having to witness you being punished!

Million stars that have been counted by me when I was unable to sleep in your memory, the number of times I have played Inquiry, seeking your well-being, I can't begin to fathom if you would find that repulsive.

No. We have to be apart. If we're together, the world would tear us into infinite pieces. I cannot be close to you. They will take you away from me. Everyone close to me have been ripped away.

I need to be away from you.

I cannot harm you. If living in your memory is all I can seek, then so be it.

I shall cherish our memories but nothing beyond that.

Farewell.

And so even if this was not what I wanted, the first words to him was not what I yearned to say, but donning a persona of what Gusu Clan expected out of me, I admonish him.

"You're breaking our laws. Alcohol is prohibited in Gusu. Entering the premise of Cloud Recess is forbidden after curfew." I put up a facade and his smile diminishes.

My heart!

And so begins our journey, what lay ahead, no one was aware off, but one thing was true, in the end, pain was imminent. The pain was unbearable. The pain was gut wrenching.

I should have stuck to my resolution! But alas, my heart did give in. Gave into his fancies.

To be doomed for eternity, but a beautiful eternity!

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