Her Guilt

Standing yet again in front of my father's dark oak desk I sought more answers for this situation.

"Did you know about who she was father?"

He gave me a deep sigh and motioned toward one of the chairs in the room. This would be the first time I've ever been offered a seat in his office. I reluctantly sat down. The view from here was disorienting.

"I see she told you. No, I didn't know until we began interrogating the maids about your… situation. But your grandfather knew before he sent her to me. He saw her and immediately recognized her striking features. She was recommended in the hopes that, when he revealed it later, it would stop or at least reduce my prejudice against firstborns. I don't think he could have anticipated what would happen though."

Given that Rebecca's features stand out even as a maid and if she only vaguely resembled her mother it wouldn't be surprising if someone recognized her. I've been told that my grandfather on my mother's side is particularly sharp as well. He'd have to be as a Marquisate on a corrupted border. The only reason why my father might not have recognized her is because he doesn't really pay attention to the servants. So long as they're well fed and working he doesn't care who they are or what they do. Well, insomuch as they don't do anything illegal. Grandfather probably knows that about my father.

"Why didn't you tell me before I went to see her?"

"She requested that I not, for starters. If she didn't want you to know, or if she wanted to tell you herself, I was comfortable with that. As for the second reason… I didn't want the knowledge of who she was to affect any decision you might come to regarding her punishment. She committed a crime and your decision on her sentence shouldn't be weighed down by any guilt regarding her identity."

"And what is the likely punishment of the people who were detained thanks to my situation?"

"The majority of the maids played no major part but didn't step in to stop it so they will be let go with a letter of recommendation and a statement declaring their involvement in everything that happened. Without disclosing the details of course. The maids that stole anything, assisted in covering things up, or accepted bribes from Lizabeth will be fired and a letter of non-employment will be circulated among the nobles of the court and the lesser houses."

He paused for a few moments. I understood that what he was going to say next would include the topic of Lizabeth and Rebecca. Two people that he understood I might not be comfortable hearing about.

"Are you sure you want to hear the rest?"

"Yes. I can't be kept in the dark forever and I'll be considered an adult in a few months."

"That's four months away Marisilea. But I understand what you're trying to say."

He still took a deep breath as if to gather himself and give me time to prepare for what he's about to say.

"Lizabeth, Henry, the head chef, and Rebecca will all be executed in two weeks' time for their direct involvement in embezzlement, your starvation, and your abuse."

The silence was deafening.

She had committed those crimes. I would be delusional to think that my father made all of this up just to take Lizabeth away from me now. The all-too-familiar creeping tightness in my chest was making its way up my spine and into my scalp. The room started to spin as I realized the reality of it all. I focused my vision on one spot, attempting to dispel the discomfort the space around me caused. I tried to breathe normally but my lungs were burning and it felt like I couldn't get enough air in them. My breaths came faster and faster, the feeling of never getting enough growing ever greater.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and somehow managed to force myself to start meditating. If I lost my composure here, in my father's office, I'd never forgive myself.

My father noticed my behavior but he thankfully ignored it.

"And what if I asked that someone be spared?"

"I recommend you not change Lizabeth's, Henry's, and the head chef's punishments as their crimes are the most severe and deliberate. The only person's fate I would feel comfortable changing at your request is Rebecca's. I want you to know that if you choose to let any of the current punishments play out that it's not on you. They made their decisions to do what they did no matter their intentions or thoughts on the matter. I won't forgive a criminal of assault just because he was ordered to do it and given someone else's knife."

I understand that he's alluding to Rebecca's fate, and I know what he means by saying it wouldn't be my fault, but he has to understand that I could never live with myself if I made the choice to let her die. Or maybe he doesn't understand. Maybe he would have a clean conscience if he had to make the same choice. I'm not my father though, so I won't try to act like him.

"I'm fine with your decision on everyone else's punishment but I'd like Rebecca to be spared. Her involvement was heavily coerced and she was operating under a lot of false pretenses. I'd also like to make another request regarding her."

"I'll listen to anything you have to say on the matter."

 _________________________

An hour or so later Rebecca was escorted into my father's office. There were no chains or guards surrounding her. Just Sir Trevor leading her through the door and showing her to a chair.

"Duke Arkesh, Young Lady Marisilea, may I ask why I was called?"

My father was to take the reins on this conversation.

"My daughter and I have decided on your fate and I have brought you here to inform you of that decision."

She looked apprehensive but her head was held high as she was awaiting her judgement. It seems like she really did only want to apologize for what happened.

"You will not be held accountable for your actions during the time that you served as her maid due to the extenuating circumstances surrounding your coercion and the fact that you were operating under false pretenses."

There was a trace of disbelief and regret while she became a little choked up. She didn't allow herself to break down though. A few tears could still be seen running down her cheeks but she managed to keep most of her composure.

"I don't really deserve this kind of treatment, what I did should be unforgiveable. You're too generous and shouldn't let my discretions go."

This isn't exactly how I thought she'd react but it's also not surprising. I think I might feel the same if I was in her position. I had to let my father continue though as there was more we needed to discuss.

"We are willing to let things go. This is not just my choice but my daughter's as well. I want you to know that we didn't come to this decision lightly, it was made after examining all the evidence and talking about your involvement and circumstances as well as taking into consideration your identity. My daughter was insistent that we not punish you under the blind bias and sometimes negligent rule of law."

"What will happen to me?"

"I will release you from our employ with a letter of recommendation and a declaration of your involvement in this incident; the exact details of your involvement will remain confidential however."

"That's more than I deserve and I can't agree with it completely. I would feel guilty about everything I did here for the rest of my life. Isn't there a compromise we can reach?"

I had hoped she would ask this question. I didn't want my father to present the alternative we've discussed and have her agree when I couldn't be sure that she'd be happier simply leaving.

"There is something I'd like to propose to you but I can't allow it unless you sign a contract regarding this offer of employment. I will not ask anything of you illegal or immoral and I will not work you without proper recompense but you should know that I will ask that you remain loyal at all times."

"If it's something I'm capable of doing I'll do it."

"Good. Given the circumstances surrounding everything that has happened my daughter is in need of a well-trained Lady's Maid who she can trust."

Rebecca's eyes widened as the realization of what my father was suggesting struck her.

"Just as you may have guessed I would ask that you serve her, answer only to her and no one else, and continue training to accompany her beyond the Duchy if necessary."

She leaped out of her chair and kneeled on the floor, the sound of her knees hitting the ground made it seem painful. She looked toward me for confirmation.

"Rebecca, my trust in you is still tenuous and I don't want to use your identity and sympathy as a tool against you. If you feel that you have to do this only because of who I was born as, our similarities, and your guilt then I do not want that type of loyalty."

"Though that might play a part in it I swear that I can overcome it and learn about you while serving you. I can't guarantee that I won't think on what I did and use it as motivation but I would like the opportunity to show that I'm not just someone who will blindly follow the orders of anyone anymore. I will endeavor to serve as a maid and not as a 'firstborn' so that I might earn your trust."

"That is more than satisfactory as an answer and I hope that's how you continue to view things. What is your decision father?"

"I don't think there is any problem with her continuing as your maid but she'll have one major obstacle to overcome first."

I can't think of anything she'd need to do now as we've basically covered everything that my father and I have talked about.

"She'll need to gain the approval of your mother."

Oh. Given how my mother acts now I think that's going to be difficult.

 _________________________

Rebecca's approach to my mother was actually quite simple and effective. She went to her and requested to work under the Lady's Maid that was assigned to her until the point she had earned both of their trust and would be permitted reassignment. I thought she was clever for thinking of that method as it not only offered her an opportunity to be close to my mother and prove her intentions but also served to teach her the skills necessary for her future position as my Lady's Maid from someone more experienced.

It took even longer than my father or I could have anticipated though and my mother seemed to work her fingers to the bone. Eventually my father stepped in when he noticed that Rebecca wasn't getting enough sleep and what was being asked of her was currently beyond her abilities.

Not long after my mother conceded on reducing her work there seemed to be an agreement between Rebecca and her. She was assigned as my maid just a few days later and the improvement in her abilities was noticeable.

We also began speaking to each other in a more relaxed manner even though I was still hesitant around her. I was glad for the fact that, as of now, her demeanor was largely professional and she never asked uncomfortable questions.

 _________________________

With only a week left until the sentencing of those that were convicted of crimes against the Duke of Arkesh my anxiety began to grow.

I had thought that I had come to terms with the loss of Lizabeth but it seemed that her looming death was causing me a lot of stress. Delusional thoughts were swirling in my mind. Irrational fears that my father was mistaken, Lizabeth wasn't or couldn't be guilty of what she was accused of, or that it was all the machinations of his desire to control me.

I would often find myself standing in the hallways of the mansion, staring at the carpets, and watching the patterns swirl into violent shapes or figures of my past. Lizabeth, Henry, Rebecca, and others. All with their faces twisted in guilt or sorrow over what was happening.

The worst of my delusions happened when I was preparing to sleep at night and I'd hear a knock on the door. When I'd ask who it was the voice of Lizabeth would faintly call out to me, whispering requests to be let in and assist me, blaming me for abandoning her, or pleading about her innocence and love for me.

After the third night of this I requested that mother remain in my room during the night to lie in my bed with me and hold my hand as I fell asleep. When I heard someone knock I would ask my mother to verify if it was real. All too often it wasn't. If I didn't respond I wouldn't hear her voice so I checked with mother first from then on.

The day before their sentencing I received a surprise and Rebecca received her final trial to overcome.

Venna had decided to visit.