22 Her Guidance

*I'm putting an author's note at the top of this chapter as there is a fair bit of abuse described in this one. I don't want anyone who might be sensitive or find this kind of thing uncomfortable to read to go in without any warning. I'll put a line up like the one below this note before everything really begins, and again when it's mostly over. I'll also put a brief summary in the author's note at the end. I still recommend reading through it if you can because there will be a lot of details I won't be able to cover in a summary.*

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My health had improved greatly over the last month, with Healer Yumi saying that my weight was just inside the healthy range for someone of my age and gender, and my muscle mass was excellent. She warned me against over-exerting myself and not consuming enough food and water for my activity level, something that I personally will have to be especially mindful of.

Classes were fairly simple, with most of them just being memorization or the application of memorized theories and formulae, with the exception of swordsmanship.

For swordsmanship my exercises gradually increased until I could comfortably hold my arm out extended for two minutes without rest. After that Sir Verret began having me hold the lowest weighted practice rapier out with the same goal of two minutes, but he said it would take a bit longer to get up to that time. My final goal was to hold a full weight rapier steady for three minutes or longer without rest. He said not to worry too much about not getting there quickly as building up the muscle required will take time, and my body will also need to develop.

Magic classes were mostly just the memorization of runes at first, which was simple enough. Mage Reginald would give me a new book on runes, I would memorize it and then take a test to see if I had done so, and then he'd give me another book. This lasted for about two weeks, or four classes, before I was told that I could begin selecting runes to carve, with Mage Reginald's advice.

Runes were broken up into three rough categories. Descriptor runes which modified another rune's state, like mass, size, and shape. Action runes which changed how a rune would act before or after it was cast like time, speed, and direction. And finally elemental runes, though Mage Reginald said that thinking of elemental runes as simply 'fire', 'water', or 'earth' is an outdated and archaic way to view things.

We know now that the elements that make up our world are vast in number and behavior, and there's a new element rune discovered regularly. Sometimes they're derived from existing runes, like an iron rune that was originally just seen as part of the metal rune. Sometimes we accidentally stumble upon a new element all together through experimentation.

When I asked about elemental affinity he explained that affinities are applied more generally to a broad element, like metal, and the effect on runes below that, like iron, didn't change. Then he scoffed and said that it's only something that you might be able to carve and cast slightly faster, or possibly make it negligibly more powerful, and that's it. He was adamant that I not let an affinity limit what I could do with my circles.

Finally he stressed that using each rune in a specific manner while casting was important in determining the effects of a circle as you couldn't just slap a few runes into one and create a spell. It worked almost like a math problem. Mage Reginald had some suggestions for runes that were universally useful and found in most standard circles, so he recommended that I think about carving those first.

As for the other classes, I had no troubles at first. Every quiz or test I was given I passed with perfect grades, never missing a question. It was simpler than what Lizabeth was required to teach because they never had questions that were outside of the material they assigned for me to read or research. I've always wondered why memorization was such a core part of instruction as it was incredibly simple to do, and you don't have to apply yourself to accomplish anything.

Thanks to the simplicity of those classes, I had more free time to study magic, runes, and circles, or read other books on history. And sometimes leisure books if I thought I could get away with it.

All of that came to an end when Healer Yumi left though.

Professors Maxi, James, and Henry began adding questions that weren't covered by the materials I was assigned. I had to search through the Duchy's library and find the texts after I got the questions wrong, and I was always given a limited time to find the answers and their context. If I took too long, then I had to write a long report on the significance of the questions I missed, or the history of them.

These reports began to take up more and more of my free time. While Professors Maxi and James only added one or two questions per quiz or test, Professor Henry went from one to two in each, to three, and then more until finally I could expect at least a fifth of every test to contain things that weren't assigned or covered in class. He seemed to enjoy when I got the questions wrong, often taking every opportunity to mention something similar to 'you can't really expect a woman to be adept at politics.'

Since Professor Henry made my tests so difficult, eventually my free day was taken up by another class of his as it was only a matter of time before my father found out. And since I had more class time with him, he made his questions increasingly more obscure and difficult to analyze.

This all led to my punishments returning of course.

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My meals were never limited, thankfully, but Lizabeth was ordered to whip me again at the end of the week for any answers that were missed. It was only once a week, but because I could accrue a lot of missed questions during the week, I would sometimes find myself bleeding or passing out from the pain.

Thankfully the whippings occurred on a Friday, so by Thursday I was well enough to attend swordsmanship training, but because I would sometimes be too weak to exercise for a day or two, my fitness suffered. My weakness was noticed by Sir Verret, but the only thing he did was reduce some of my exercises to allow me to gradually adjust.

Because my body needed more time to heal between punishments, I discovered that I also needed to eat more or my energy during the day would suffer as well. This made eating even more difficult for me, as I had to consume so much for the days after a whipping that it made my stomach uncomfortable. I began to despise food and mealtimes, and even the cakes I tried for Venna's sake began to taste bland.

Eventually Professor Henry discovered my punishments. How he found out I don't know, but he seemed to take delight in my discomfort, arranging for my chair to be replaced for his classes with an all wooden one that had a solid back. He would then demand that I sit upright with my back placed firmly against it, and if I didn't do it to his satisfaction, he would have Rebecca push me upright.

Soon it was arranged so that my punishments would occur before his classes, so sometimes I would attend them bleeding and barely functioning.

This of course further affected my performance in his classes, which in turn resulted in more time added to his lessons.

Lizabeth refused to add more lashings beyond a certain amount after I passed out in his class and I wouldn't wake up one day. I think she may have said something to father about it, and he conceded to that fact, as I can't think of any other reason why.

Due to all of this, I began making it a priority to learn runes associated with healing so I could engrave and use them as quickly as possible. I needed to make sure I could function in my classes, and I knew that some of the wounds on my back were already going to leave permanent scars. If I didn't learn soon, then my back would be a complete mess.

Mage Reginald was impressed with my dedication to learning healing and said that Healer Yumi would be proud to have an apprentice in the Tower if I continued to learn at my current speed. I'm not sure what he would think if he knew the truth behind my motivation.

After a few months of this, I did eventually learn and carve enough runes to be able to do basic healing circles. I had to wait to use them until after Professor Henry's class, because the one time I made the mistake of using it before it, he gave me an extra quiz to go through and requested that I be whipped for every question I missed immediately following it.

Lizabeth refused to do it at first. She argued with him for a bit before he threatened to have her expelled for ignoring a noble's orders, and then she agreed to do it so long as it was done in another room, and she was given time to dress me properly afterwards.

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One night, awhile before I had learned the runes for creating healing circles, I asked Lizabeth why I was treated this way.

"M'lady, I won't pretend to understand the thoughts of the Duke, and I sadly don't have an answer for your question. My best guess would be that he thinks that a harsh punishment for failure would result in a greater desire to succeed. Maybe he sees it as a form of guidance. I can't say I agree with him though."

"For three years his guidance has only hurt me Lizabeth. How do I get past it? How do I prove to him that these failures aren't completely my fault?"

"I don't know m'lady. I wish I could talk some sense into him, but I'm just m'lady's maid."

"Could you ask Sir Trevor to say something to him? Maybe use a roundabout way to say that my studies are suffering from too many lashings?"

"I can try m'lady, but there's a chance that if I go against his orders too frequently or forcefully he'll have me removed as m'lady's maid and replace me with someone more compliant."

"No, don't do it then Lizabeth. You're the only person who I can talk to about these things. I know you don't want to do what you have to do. I'll find a way to deal with this, somehow."

Aside from confiding in Lizabeth, I also had time with my Mother Tree, or Telperion. When I asked her about the name she said that she was once known by it. I'm glad that she's happy to be called Mother Tree though, so I don't think I'll stop using it. Meditating before bed every night to help with the pain and my healing became a common practice for me, and thanks to that I also spoke with her every night as well.

I shared with her the jokes that Venna would send to me in her letters, and sometimes I would talk about my successes in magic circles or sword training. She was always happy to listen, with a word or two of comfort for my failures.

If I found myself free during the time after my classes had increased and changed, instead of reading a book or resting, I would discover myself going over the letters that Venna sent. Picking out my favorite ones and rereading what I saw as her funniest jokes. They helped me to deal with the loneliness, as well as distracted me from my own self-pity.

In my own letters to Venna I shared with her what I thought would be safe. I'm sure that someone is in charge of reading what I send out, so I can't mention anything about my punishments. It hurts to read her questions about my health and only be able to answer 'I'm doing fine' or 'there's nothing to worry about.' Sometimes I would slip in a small lie about sword training being especially difficult and having to take a rest that day, but other than that I couldn't risk revealing the truth to her and having my father find out.

Once I got more skilled with my healing circles, I began to throw myself into my studies with a renewed fervor. Sometimes I was driven by anger to succeed. With my father's 'guidance' and following my regular schedule, I strove to excel at everything I did. Since my father wouldn't take less than perfection, then I would give him perfection.

In every class, including Professor Henry's, I discovered I could find the answers to their obscure questions more and more quickly. I began to get an understanding of our House's library that even our librarian would be envious of. The amount of times I had to write about missed questions in Professor Maxi's and James' classes dwindled until I never failed to find the answers.

With Professor Henry that was impossible, as he often referenced material that could only be accessed by the Royal Family or the Houses that made the decisions in court. I still persevered and decided that if he wouldn't give me a chance to succeed, then I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me succumb to my pain. Even without the healing I became capable of maintaining my posture and indifferent expression. It infuriated him, but since he couldn't touch me all I had to suffer through was his yelling and occasionally Rebecca pushing my back in to the chair. When my composure didn't break even then, he eventually gave up and just taught his lessons. Somehow my extra courses and hours with him were never reduced though.

With swordsmanship classes things were much more difficult. As I adjusted to one training regiment, Sir Verret would give me another. If I did well with that, he would add a new part to the regiment. I soon found myself capable of wielding the rapier proficiently and with speed. It was still not equivalent in weight to a full-sized rapier, but it was very close. He complimented my strict adherence to the training and my ability to quickly comprehend and utilize the stances, footwork, and strikes he was teaching me. His training was firm, but fair, and I could never find anything to criticize, even if I was exhausted afterwards.

After over two years of this schedule, something finally changed.