Chapter 9:It Doesn't Matter

I get up and run out of there not caring about what Josh was saying to her or anything.

The only thing I did care about was leaving...

I ran until I was at home with all the pain in my heart and tears rolling down my face. I did not care about how my chest hurt or how tired I was. How my feet burned from hitting the ground so hard while I was running. It did not matter to me. Nothing mattered to me anymore. It will always be just me,myself and I.

I sat on my bed and took my lap top out.

°Dear Sky°

I am sitting in front of a mirror on my knees...

Tears falling down my cheeks, I am begging myself to be strong to keep it together but I can't.

Begging God to heal my heart,pleading for at least just a little to go away but surely that isn't happening. I feel as if i will always be a loser in life. I will always have to live with this pain but most of all this loneliness.

Whenever I fix one thing another thing starts. Why? What did I do to deserve this?

Im so broken...

Instead of healing my pain is getting worst. I tried to be nice and to make a friend but it was a big mistake. I'm better off alone, where no one can hurt me. I have become the monster I feared I would become.

Even though I tried, it surely doesn't matter anymore. For the first time I felt a little ray of hope and then there came the darkness crushing that little ray and took it out of plain sight. Like it was never there in the first place. Like it was never meant to be there or maybe it was just to get my hopes up and then bring me falling to the ground so that I could get hurt.After all everything and everyone was just out to hurt me. I have now understood that there was no one I could count on. No one I could trust. Every single person I knew was a predator, a predator that I had to learn how to survive around. A snake will always be a snake, no matter how nice you are to it. In the end it does not matter.

○CLOUD○

I shut my laptop and go sit on my bed. I lay there still not making a sound. How could he do this to me? He never even told me he had a girlfriend. Shes such a bitch. His such an ass hole. They are both monsters they belong together.

My phone makes a sound and I see a message from anonymous.

Anonymous: It's going to get better,just hang in there.

Cloud: Thats the thing nothing is getting better.

Anonymous: It will, we just need to have a little patience sometimes:). Tell me something about yourself cloud lol cute name;).

Cloud:uhhhm,thanks. Something like What?

Anonymous: favourite colour?

Cloud: Black

Anonymous:oooh so "evil"

Cloud:you really being sarcastic right now, look stop messaging me go away. You clearly have no idea as to what even a little pain feels like!

Anonymous: Just a 6 year old sister who drowned because of me...but clearly you would not understand that because you haven't lost someone so important to you.

I stare at my screen in shock and immediately feel bad for taking my frustrations out on him. Yup, I'm the worst person you could find and I talk about Josh and Christine being monsters. That's really sad, I mean I myself know what the pain of losing a sibling feels like.

Cloud: I'm really sorry:( I well I uhhhm lost my brother in a car crash so yeah I do know what loss feels like because i am also an orphan. Both of my parents and my brother died that day. I was the only survivor. It sucks I mean I wish all of the time that I did not survive. I would rather be dead then live with this pain. It's like dying over and over  again,You know what I mean.

Anonymous: I know what you going through about the sibling part, I'm sorry about your parents...and yes I do know what you mean, I feel the exact same way and do not even get me started on the nightmares. It just sucks. Not just that but the emotional and mental scars it leaves behind...

Cloud ...You are so right and we are so alike for some reason.

Anonymous:Are you all alone?

Cloud: Loner is my middle name.

My brother and I we were really close you know...i really miss him and now all i got is memories:(

Anonymous: The worst part about holding the memories of them  is not the pain, its the loneliness of it. Memories need to be shared you know? Share them with me sometime:)

Cloud: I could say the same to You...

We spoke almost the whole night and it was good. I like him. His a good guy. Well i think his a guy his display picture is a car oh I don't know whatever. Could be a girl. I am a girl and my display picture is a car so hey you would never know.

Although I do feel like this person could turn on me as well. I mean nobody stays at the end of the day so how can I possibly think I have a friend. This is more like a talking buddy. Yes, that's it.

While I am on the internet I see that there is some illegal racing happening on Saturday night.

Hmmm, without a second taught I sign up. Racing is one of my stress relievers and I seriously needed something.

The next day is school and work. Thinking about it makes me sick gosh. Well one day at a time Ash you got this don't over think so much. I took a sleeping pill and I'm going to get a little sleep tonight...

So I thought.