Fear or Nerves.

I passed a test. It was hard to believe, especially considering the state I was in going into it. I looked back down the range, taking in the sight of the targets.

"Congrats sis."

I looked back at my brother, leaning against one of the posts. "What did you just call me?"

He laughed. "Well you are, aren't you."

I felt goosebumps cover my arms, "Yea…"

Lu might not have hated me, but she at least acted like it, whereas Bhaltair legitimately wanted me dead. Needless to say, no one had ever acknowledged the fact that I was actually their sister.

"You did good, I'll tell the bower to get to work."

'Oj, that's right. A custom bow designed specifically to fit me.' "So this bow… Does it have to be as big and heavy as the one I just shot?"

He thought for a moment. "I'll talk to the bower for you. There is a special wood found only in our province, if he makes it out of that the bow will be lighter, and the wood easier to bend. It has more whip too, so it will fire just as fast while being easier to draw. He can make the bowstring out of silk too instead of hemp, like these other ones, that might help your fingers."

He pointed at my arm. "Won't make it hurt any less when you do that though, since the energy from the shot is the same."

I gently placed my hand over the wound. "Yeah, but if it's easier to draw this won't happen as often anyway."

He nodded. "Yeah, that's right. I'll go ahead and talk to him, but ultimately you're going to have to meet with him to design it."

"That's a relief at least…" The test may be over, but how long will it take for me to recover? Just how much damage have I already done to my body on the first day back between combat training with Mara and this test?

Airsidh grabbed my hands and looked at my fingers again. "I'm sorry you had to do all that…"

It was funny to me that he was acting like that only after everything was over, but I understood. He may not have cared about me like family, but as a person, he felt bad for me. It was… complicated.

"Even after all this time your hands are still so delicate and soft. It's really pretty amazing if you think about it." He closed my fingers and stood up to go get the bandages again. "We will cover those wounds in beeswax mixed with herbs, that will help with the abrasion and stop it from becoming worse. It will help it heal faster as well. Although, they're bad enough that you won't be shooting for a while, not right-handed anyway."

"Got it." 'Left-handed shooting huh? It's been a while since we practiced that.'

After he applied the gel-like substance to my fingers and rubbed it into the wound he put everything back where it belonged and walked back over, offering me a hand up again. "Time to get going, you still have to go see our dear older brother after all."

"Fairy dust…"

"Come on, I know he sucks, but it's the last thing you'll have to do today."

Just thinking about it instantly removed any sense of calmness or relief I was feeling from having finished the test.

"Uh… You alright Siya?"

I hadn't noticed it but I was shaking again. It wasn't cold, but I still couldn't help myself. I wouldn't say I was necessarily afraid of what was coming, but I certainly didn't like it. In fact, I hated it.

"You don't think… Bhaltair…"

Without missing a beat he jumped in before I could finish asking my question. "Yeah, he's going to test you too, but in your condition, I doubt it will be as bad as you think."

I brought my knees close to my chest. "I'm not afraid anyway… Just nervous. I know I won't die but I don't like pain…"

"What's the difference?"

I couldn't help but laugh at how serious his question was. 'I guess as someone who never experienced either he wouldn't know.' "Nervous is how you respond to stress. Like for you I guess… It would be like when you draw a new bow for the first time and it's the heaviest one you've ever drawn. You would be nervous because you had never done it before. Even if you were excited… Fear is different. If you're afraid, it would be like you never even tried to draw the bow because you were too scared that it might hurt you or fall apart in your hands."

"So you're not afraid of him? After everything he's done to you? You're not worried that you might fall apart in his hands?" For a moment I almost thought I sensed a hint of worry in him, but it was clear in the end that he was just simply curious.

"Why would I be? I'm still alive, I still have all my limbs. He hasn't permanently hurt me in any way." I talked big, but as I talked more and more I only began to shake again. 'Maybe… I am afraid… And I'm just really good at lying.'

He raised a hand to his chin. "He could still kill you one of these days though."

'Thanks… I needed that…' I took a deep breath and let out a sigh. "Well… If that happened then he wouldn't be able to hurt me anymore right? Wouldn't that be a good thing?"

It was meant to be sarcastic, but he didn't find it very funny. "I don't think you understand how death works."

"It is what it is… So whether I live or die today doesn't matter. In the end, there was nothing I could have done differently."

The time had come for my final test, and whether I was ready or not did not matter in the slightest.