Dysphoria

My body was mostly numb, I could feel little else besides the pain and the dull tingling coming from the blisters in my fingers. 'They don't feel that big. Guess that means the frostbite wasn't too deep. If it's going to be anything like last time then within three days I'll be training again… Mara will drain the blisters, bandage my hands, and by the end of the week I'll even be swinging a sword. It seems like my ankles probably just sprained, so that wouldn't stop her either. I could pretend to be blind for a while, my eyes were exposed to all that acid when it vomited…' 

"Siya?"

Mara's voice cut through my thoughts, bringing me back to full attention. "S-sorry I'm listening."

She let out another sigh. "It's fine, I was just checking on you. That fight brought back your fevers, Catherine said you were delirious. It must have worn you out."

It was funny that she was saying the fight with the monster was what wore me out. It was just the tip of the iceberg. With how hard she had been pushing me It seemed obvious I would have ended up like that sooner or later. Still, my mind just brushed over all of that. I couldn't help but fixate on the fight.

In my mind, I was reliving it over and over again. The rush and the excitement. It wouldn't have been a stretch to say that was the most I enjoyed anything since I was reborn. I didn't care whether I lived or died, so I had no fear, but that only intensified how good it made me feel. 'I wonder if maybe I'll get treated a little better now. I proved myself, didn't I?'

I felt Mara's cold arm reach around my shoulders as she helped me to sit up. The sensation of the cold air on my skin quickly sent chills through my whole body as the sweat on my skin began sucking away the heat.

A rough cloth began scraping against my back as she washed away the sweat.

"It's cold…" I said, trying not to sound like I was whining. The last thing I needed was to end up worse off because my skin was covered in cold water.

"It's hotter than the tea you drink…" She said back calmly.

'I guess I really do have a fever… It was partially a jab at the fact that I only drink my tea warm instead of hot… But knowing her it's still the truth.'

I grabbed the blanket in front of me and hugged it to my chest, as I let out a small groan from how uncomfortable I was. "I'm cold…" I said. This time I really was just whining, I knew it too, but I didn't care. I was cold, I couldn't see, my body ached, and the cuts, blisters, and swelling only made everything else feel even worse.

I felt a slight sting as she flicked me on the forehead. "Maybe next time you'll think twice before you do something stupid."

I lowered my head to my knees. I knew looking for empathy from her was a waste of time. Honestly speaking, I wasn't even sure why I tried. "Sorry…"

She sighed again, each one compounding on the last. Every time I heard her make that noise it felt like a punch to the stomach. The first one didn't bother me, the second was more annoying than anything, but hearing it over and over made me just want to stay curled up how I was forever.

I felt the blanket I was clinging to suddenly get ripped away without warning, sending chills through my whole body again. I squeaked, wrapping my arms around my knees before suddenly feeling a soft warm fluff wrap around me.

"W-what's this?" It felt completely different from the old sackcloth clothes and sheets I had been putting up with. It was warm and covered my whole body.

It was an unfamiliar feeling, and yet, I still had distant memories of it. It was like I had just gotten out of a hot bath on a winter's day and climbed under a warm fuzzy blanket. I still felt a tinge of burning on my skin from the monster's acid and my head was still spinning, but I felt almost at peace.

"The fur blanket?" She asked. I felt her cold finger touch my forehead and without even realizing it I somehow ended up on my back again.

'Fur blanket?' It didn't make any sense, there was only one fur blanket in the entire house and it was in my parent's room. "But that means."

She flicked me again. "Shut up already, you're wasting your energy. Just focus on recovering."

I rolled over to my side, huddling up as best I could. surrounding myself in the massive pile of fur, I brought my hands up over my heart. I could feel their chilling touch against my burning skin as my chest began to tighten from my shallow breathing. Still, the strange sense of nostalgia I was feeling kept me calm.

I heard the metal bowl that was holding the water slide against the wooden nightstand as she stood up and the floorboards creaked underneath her. "It's time you get some rest." She said, before leaving.

In my feverish state, I couldn't help but reach out to her. I didn't want to be alone, not in the state I was in. Fear kept me quiet though. She had told me not to speak, and I was afraid of hearing her sigh again.

I slowly lowered my hand back down to the bed and curled back up. I was too weak to hide my emotions. There was no turning them off or forgetting about them in that state. There was just one thing I wanted. I wanted my sister Suzuki. I knew she wasn't coming though, even if I was still on earth she wouldn't have been able to…