36 May-December | Chapter Six

Something was just different.

Kyle didn't know what it was, but he found himself reading too much into every little thing Chaska said or did. If Chaska brushed hands with him while he signed the log sheet for Otis when he dropped him off, he'd think, maybe he had a thing for me? If Chaska was chattier than usual, he would think, he might like me. And if Chaska smiled at him, Kyle's heart would race and he would think, he must like me.

It was wishful irrational thinking. Kyle knew that. He wasn't as stupid as he seemed. He knew it stemmed from a place of assuming that since Chaska was gay, he'd somehow be interested in every man. He knew that wasn't the case. He knew Chaska was just doing his job and being a decent person, but he couldn't help himself from over-reading simple acts because he wanted them to be the case.

He wanted Chaska to like him that way.

It was a frightening realization that only affirmed itself anytime he spoke to the man. Days had passed since Chaska had come over for dinner. Kyle waited for him to mention coming over since he had promised his mother, but the man never did, and Kyle was starting to think that 'dinner with Chaska' wouldn't happen as frequently as he had assumed it would. He had his number, and he saw the man every day. He could simply call him or ask him if he would like to come over when he picked Otis up, but the thought alone had Kyle sweating bullets. They didn't know each other that well yet, and he was afraid of crossing the line.

Thankfully, Kyle got a break from his conflicting emotions when the weekend rolled around. He didn't stop thinking about Chaska, but at least his emotions weren't intensified, and he wasn't on the verge of a heart attack from the mere sight of him.

It was Sunday now, and Kyle was on a small farm working on the tractor while the owners were away. Sometimes Kyle would spot one of the children he was familiar with seeing peeping at him through the farm house's back door, and he would wave, making the little girl disappear.

Kyle laughed, shaking his head as the child ran inside again. She reminded him of Otis who was back home with his grandmother.

"Alright, a little more, and I'll be done here," he whispered to himself. He was on his knees, and his overalls were stained with oil and dirt. The farm chickens didn't seem to be afraid of humans since they kept hanging around the tractor even when Kyle got up and started it up to check if the engine would respond properly now. Work was generally harder here. People didn't service their vehicles, and they only ever called a mechanic when their stuff was on the brink of death. Kyle had been walking all day, and it was close to mid-afternoon now.

Kyle was rounding up his work when the little girl that had been peeping through the barely opened door rushed out of the house and ran in full speed. Kyle frowned, wondering what that was about. He had turned to call out to her, but he lost his voice when his eyes fell on with Chaska. The young man was holding on to a leash that handled a sheepdog. The dog was currently being hugged and kissed by the small child as Chaska smiled at them.

Chaska looked up, raising a brow when he spotted Kyle. He smiled, using his free hand to give the man a wave. Kyle was too shocked to say or do anything, so he looked away, letting his eyes rest on the rusting body of the farm truck.

What is he doing here? He wondered, feeling himself starting to grow self-conscious about his appearance. Kyle's hair was a mess. His clothes were dirty, and he probably smelled like engine oil. No one wanted to look like that in front of the person they had feelings for.

"I didn't expect to see you here." Chaska's voice was close, and Kyle looked up to find that the man was now at the stairs of the porch. It was only a little distance away from the truck. The kid from before was now running around the porch with the dog. Chaska was holding on to the red leash, and Kyle guessed he was waiting to give it back to the old man.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here too," Kyle managed through the sound of his heart pumping in his ears. "I came to work on the truck."

"I see." Was Chaska's simple answer. The young man looked out into the compound as he took a seat on one of the wooden stairs. His shoulder-length hair was free from the rubber bands he used to pull them into a bun or a ponytail.

"Mr. Brooks is too old to be walking any dogs, and Emma's mum hates dogs, so she's not going to do it," Chaska said through a laugh. "I pick him up on Sunday around eight, and I take him with me around town until I have to head home," Chaska continued, licking his lips as his dark eyes moved to Kyle. Kyle's blue eyes held the man's gaze for a while, but he looked away once his face grew too hot.

"You've been avoiding my gaze," Chaska said, making Kyle's shoulder stiffen as he paused what he was doing.

"I'm not avoiding your gaze," he insisted before taking a breath. He slowly closed the truck's hood before looking back at Chaska, determined to hold his gaze. It didn't last long, and soon his eyes were on the floor.

"See," Chaska said. "You're uncomfortable."

Kyle didn't know what to say so he didn't say anything. He just stood by the truck, playing with the screwdriver that had once been lodged into the pocket of his overalls.

"Is it because I'm gay?"

"No, I told you I'm fine with that." Kyle was quick to respond to that. That was one thing he never wanted Chaska to have a misunderstanding about.

"I'm not trying to get into your pants if that's what's making you nervous." Sure, Chaska's words were said to calm him down, but they weren't doing what they were supposed to. Kyle found himself static and unable to say anything. That wasn't what he wanted to hear, and it hurt.

"Well, why not?" He mumbled the question, making it too low of a tone for Chaska to pick up.

"What?" the younger man asked, frowning as he watched Kyle wash his hand in a bucket of water before cleaning his face with a damp rag.

"I said why n-not." Kyle's voice was trembling as he took the needed steps to bring him to a stop in front of Chaska. Chaska stared up at him from his seat on the stairs, his eyes clouded with confusion at Kyle's pained expression. "W-why don't you w-want to get in m-my pants?" Kyle managed through the nerves. He looked Chaska in the eyes for a while, but the nerves building in the pit of his stomach made him look away.

He looked like an idiot with his shaking hands, red face, and dirty overalls, but he didn't mind looking stupid. He wanted Chaska to be honest with him. He wanted to know if the man was just deflecting or if he really meant it.

Did he really not find Kyle attractive at all? Not even a little bit?

"I l-like you," Kyle managed when Chaska didn't say anything in response. "That's why I'm acting nervous. It's because I like you." Saying those words out loud made Kyle's mouth go dry and his head buzz.

"Oh."

Kyle didn't know what to make of the reply. Was that disinterest? Surprise?

He'd only ever been with one person in his life, and that person made the first move. He'd been confident then. He had money. There were things he could feel competent doing for Anastasia, like helping her with her car and offering to fix things around the house. Kyle couldn't think of what he was could do in this situation to show Chaska he was worth something. What could he do for Chaska? What could he possibly offer him? Chaska was another man, and he was a man who seemed to know how to do just about anything.

"S-so, why don't you want to—" Kyle paused, taking a deep breath, "get into my pants?" He finished his sentence, making Chaska's already wide eyes grow wider.

"I—" Chaska started, but paused, nibbling the fingernail of his thumb as he stared at Kyle. "I didn't think that was an option."

"What do you mean?"

"I guess before that time I had dinner at your house I just assumed you were married, and after I got told that you weren't, I just assumed you were straight," Chaska explained as Kyle leaned on the railing post. "You have a child, it's not a mighty limp to my conclusion," Chaska added as Kyle looked down at him.

"You're also forty-two, and you have a kid," Chaska went on. His voice had gotten higher—and considering this was Chaska that spoke on top of his voice all the time, high meant high.

"You don't like me because I'm older than you?" Kyle asked.

"I do think you're really nice, don't get me wrong. I just never really thought of that. You've pretty much settled into life, and I didn't think you were searching for anything." Chaska's words stung, but Kyle swallowed his hurt. He wasn't about to be a crying mess in front of him. It was bad enough that he looked like shit.

An awkward silence followed as the two looked out to the fields. The kid had stopped running around and now seemed to be trying to get a flower to stay put on the sheep dog's head. Kyle remembered being a kid just like her in old clothes and bare feet—not really understanding the situation he'd been born into, and just enjoying life for what it was.

Kyle's grip on the pillar tightened as his gaze moved back to Chaska. The man's tan skin was being bated by the glow of the now setting sun. It was either Chaska got better-looking with each day, or Kyle's pesky attraction grew with every passing day.

Filled with sudden confidence, Kyle broke the silence by asking, "do you want to try?"

"Try?" Chaska repeated, looking up at Kyle with a raised brow.

"Try dating for a bit. We could go for a few drinks and hikes. You know, to see if we could..." Kyle trailed off as he rubbed the rough texture of the wooden pillar. He knew he was getting ahead of himself, but he was going to try his chances.

"If you want, sure."

The lack of enthusiasm dimmed Kyle's spirits a bit, but he tried not to let it get to him.

"I'll call you," he said, watching as Chaska licked his lips.

"Alright." Was the man's response. Nothing more, and nothing less.

"I'm going in to get my pay. I could hand him the leash too," Kyle said after a while, making Chaska stare down at the dog leash he was still holding.

"Thanks," he said, handing it to Kyle who took it and walked up the porch stairs before heading inside to find. Mr. Brooks. When he came out Chaska had already left, making him sigh. He'd wanted to give him a ride home, at least.

He went about picking up his tools before getting into his car and driving off. For some reason being honest about his feelings to Chaska only made things more confusing. What did Chaska's curt answers mean?

"If you want, sure." Chaska's words rang through his head as Kyle drove home. He wondered if Chaska was making light of things because he was nervous, or maybe the man had been making fun of him and he hadn't noticed? Either way, he was going to give it a shot. Starting tomorrow.