5 Promise

The air feels heavy but I can't muster the energy to care. As Lily tries to contain her tears I feel empty. I let go of my uncertainty. I let go of everything that had been driving me crazy. I expected to feel relieved. That with her knowing the dominos she could see why they crashed. 

As I see the tears marring her face I can only feel numb. Instead of drowning in the storm I feel like I have entered its eye. My despair is fading. My self loathing has retreated. My beating heart has calmed. I hate this. I hate it. I hate this numbness. I was empty before and I'm empty now.

I've hurt her again for my own selfishness. I knew what was going to happen. She was already not in a good state. Now she too hates herself if only a little. Half of me says she deserves it. The other half just wants her to be well. 

"So now you know." My voice still rings hollow but it is no longer biting. I wonder if she regrets asking. If my truth really even mattered in the end. 

She looks up at me with tears welling up. The hate is gone. The longing remains. The conflict has been settled. Determination blazes once again. It's a sight that brings me pain but it's so darn beautiful.

"Sev I never taught James your spell." I flinch away from that. Not that the statement is shocking to me. I figured he must have learned it some other way but in that moment I was not thinking clearly. No the reason I flinched was because she called Potter James. She knows exactly how much she hurt me but still calls my tormentor with familiarity. It was a small insignificant thing but one that hurt all the same.

"I only taught Mary it after Mucliber ambushed her. I guess it spiraled from there" She tries to explain but what does it matter? Even teaching Mary was a betrayal albeit one with less sting. Lily never knew the weight of my actions but that was my fault. I treated her as my saving grace. Everything that I am and was belonged to her.

I look at her with her glistening eyes and sigh. I already knew I had forgiven her. I'm not capable of not forgiving her. Her sins don't equal my own. I can never forgive myself for being just like him.

She paused her explanation as if she remembered something. She looked back at me with a searching look. Although there was also a fair bit of hesitation but it faded as she firmed her resolve.

"Sev…You're not planning on joining the Death Eaters right?" She slowly and hesitantly asks. She clearly did not want to burn bridges when we reached an understanding. The question was more important than that. I knew why. It did not matter if I managed to drag myself out of the pit if I planned on eventually hurting her. If I still planned on joining a group that reviled her very existence. Luckily enough my opinion on that particular group has changed drastically. 

"No..Not anymore." I say with weight and finality. That was never an option. Not anymore. I knew where that path led. I would rather tear the world apart than see that ending.

"Good, good." There is clear relief as she smiles brightly at me. The tension that was building between us dispersed and I felt another weight lift from my shoulders. God, I love that smile.

She steps closer and reaches for me before pausing.

"Why did you ask me to not forgive you? If you explained everything I would have accepted it Sev." I flinch away from her at that. The real reason is that I felt like my very presence would have brought her pain. Even if I did not realize it at the moment. I'm still not sure if me being around her is what's best for her but I'm not letting her go again. Never again.

Still, I had another reason. One that would be just as valid.

"Sev?" The hesitancy is back along with confusion. She reaches for me but I take a step back.

"Lily, I've made a lot of promises. Ones I no longer want to fulfill." I look at her with a sad brittle smile.

"If I break those promises it's likely bad things are going to happen to me." That is an understatement. A budding Potion Master is valuable. Now that Voldemort has sunken his claws into me it's going to be difficult to leave. Well with a still beating heart that is.

"I swear I won't go back to that path Lily…I was just making sure you would be happy if I suddenly disappeared." There was not really a way to convey that without it sounding dire. Although that might be the proper route to take if I want her heart.

"Wait what does that mean!? You expected you would disappear!" She marches towards me with a fiery face. She grabbed my hand tightly and looked into my eyes.

"Let me be clear mister. If you suddenly disappeared I would have been concerned even if I still hated you." Her voice was lit up with all too familiar firmness. She always had a way of captivating an audience. Or maybe it was just me.

"Okay, Lily. I understand." I feel butterflies bubbling in my gut. She cares for me. Even in my darkest moments, she would have cared for me. I know she does not love me the way I love her but this is enough.

Still, I let go of her hands.

"I promise you I will get away from them. It's still for the best if you avoid me for now. If it looks like we are still fighting it will give me some time to figure out what to do." It hurts to say that now that she has forgiven me I want to be by her side again. I'll just have to take solace in the fact that she has forgiven me. It's better if she stays away as well it's going to be dangerous by my side.

"Can't you just go to Dumbledore?" She gives me a pleading look. While she does not feel the same way I do I was still her best friend. So now that we are on the same page she does not want to stay away from me.

To be fair asking shelter from Dumbledore was a good idea. Disregarding my own feelings about the headmaster he is the only Wizard Voldemort fears. So I could feasibly be safe by his side. I would certainly be drafted to his side of the war but it's not really a game changer for me. I already planned on offing Mr.Nonose himself so we would be on the same page. Even if the guy can be a self-righteous prick. The only issue is I would end up a chess piece in his hands like Lily would end up. 

"I'll think about it but the year is almost over. If we can stay 'fighting' till then I can reject the offers because I'm still clearly distraught." I give her a small smile. I really do want to be by her side but the more time I give myself to grow the better.

She gives me a searching look before sighing.

"Fine, it's only a month. I can deal with that no problem." She gives me a bright smile. She then closed the distance between us and gave me a tight hug.

"I'm glad to have you back Sev." Her hug tightens at that. I feel myself melt in her embrace. If I could spend the rest of my life in her arms I could die happy. I could only hug her back to convey that.

"Sev. I promise I won't hurt you." She mumbled that into my chest but I heard it all the same. I could also feel fresh tears on my chest but I won't mention it. She may have put up a bright facade but my words have caused a fair bit of self loathing. I just tighten my hold on her.

I want this moment to last but we only had twenty minutes and we are getting dangerously close.

"Class will start soon so you got to let go Lily." I mumbled softly to her. I hate having to say that but if we want to pull this off she needs to not be weeping into my chest. I can feel her stiffen in my arms but she reluctantly lets go of me. 

"I already hate this plan." She gives me a pout as she backs away.

"Trust me I do as well." I give her a wry smile. I already miss the warmth of her body.

"Well, we can hang out if no one is around right?" It's a fairly reasonable question but with an answer neither of us is going to like.

"We can't sadly. Potter has a map that can track everyone in the castle. If he saw us hanging out again I doubt he will keep quiet about it." Stupid fucking map. Stupid Potter and his God-tier artifact. Sure I knew how to avoid the thing but Lily does not and Potter 100% stalks her using it.

"He has a what!?" Lily exclaimed looking completely outraged.

"Wait is that why he always shows up where I am saying it's a coincidence!?" She looks completely fed up and one thousand percent ready to hang Potter by his guts.

"Yeah I only recently found out about it but it does explain a fair bit about our encounters." Ha, take that wanker if this was a gal-game you just lost negative a thousand favourability. He was probably on her shit list already for being a part of the reason me and her were fighting. 

"How does it even work? Did he cast a tracking charm on every single person in the castle? Can't be even if he managed to hit everyone without them noticing, he would have to cast it again every couple of weeks. Surely he would have been caught by now." Her voice fades as she mumbles her theories on exactly how he is capable of making the map. She is just grade A adorable. Ironically Potter could cast a tracking charm on everyone without them noticing due to the cloak. Not that he would want to do that every couple of weeks.

I'm not going to tell her how I think he did it. It would bring up way too many questions. Unlike Potter I am sure Lily is capable of rubbing a couple of brain cells together. Which would lead her to discover Potter has an amazing artifact. I'm planning on stealing said artifact which I'm sure she would disapprove of. Well, maybe not Potter has kind of pissed her off royally. 

Still, it's probably best she just theorized for now. She might actually end up figuring out a better way of making the map. She is just that good. Truly a once in century genius. 

"Hey, Lily. You're amazing." I have been stoic for far too long. Now that I have the opportunity I will show her how I feel. Even if I have to shower her with my affection. Not that the task is something that I would disagree with. I'm just telling her everything I usually keep bottled inside of my head.

She stopped mumbling and blinked. She then blushed and gave me a bright smile.

"Thanks, Sev. It Feels nice being appreciated." She gave me a cheeky grin and elbowed me in the side.

"I always appreciate you Lily. Always." I can only look her dead in the eyes as I said that. No matter what happens she saved me for far too long. I may have put her on a pedestal but I will always be thankful for her being there for me. When the world felt like it was closing in on me I could always count on her. Again not a healthy outlook but I have long since accepted I'm deranged.