49 Letting go

The idle conversation between me and Narcissa lasted for a fair amount of time. It was light and filled with smug comments. A familiar beat that I could fall into.

She looked like she wanted to bring something else up but was holding back. It was a look I was fairly familiar with by this point. I did spend a literal year seeing it after all. I wanted to pry and figure out what she wanted. Yet, I did not want to take that step.

If she really wanted to know whatever she was holding back then she would gather the courage to bring it up. To forcefully bring up the issue would leave a bad impression. It was her thoughts and it was only right to face it when she felt comfortable bringing it up herself.

For now, I could only offer an open ear as I lightened the mood between us. I can't imagine whatever she wanted to tell me would be that urgent anyway. If it was she would be displaying other emotions not just hesitancy. I am assuming she was tip toeing because I just told her Lily betrayed me.

The actions that Lily took broke me and Narcissa knew me well enough to acknowledge that. She must be expecting me to be on the very edge. Or that I would be in a rather volatile state.

I did admit that I contemplated blowing up the school after all. Domestic terrorism was probably the definition of volatile. So her being hesitant to bring up certain subjects makes perfect sense to me. 

All good things come to an end and we reached the school grounds fairly quickly. It was rather early so not everyone was up and about just yet. So Narcissa and I could quietly talk to each other without drawing any real attention.

I was wondering how the hell Narcissa found me. Sure I was no longer wearing the Cloak and was not masking my magical Aura. Still, finding me should have been nearly impossible even if she was actively looking for me. Even Dumbledore had not found me sitting by that lake and I was expecting him to show up.

I could only chalk it up to a lucky coincidence. I knew exactly what that implied but I was not sure why her being there was that important for me. Sure I was being a moody little shit but I was not falling into a fugue. I was in no danger of succumbing to those light emotions. I was not that fragile. Or I was no longer that fragile.

Beyond my thought about why she was there. I could no longer spend my time entertaining her. The confrontation with Dumbledore will eventually happen and it would be for the best if she was not in the splash zone. So even if I enjoyed the conversations that we were having it was time to part.

"Potter has been throwing a fit over his broom being stolen." She announced with a rather pointed look directed at me. Which was completely uncalled for. Sure I hated the guy but not everything going wrong in his life was my fault. Even if this particular case was in fact my doing.

It was just the principle of the matter. So I was not going to admit that I was the one who did it. Even if I was not really fooling anyone with that rhetoric. 

"Would you look at the time, I'm late for a meeting with my cauldron." I announced blandly and Narcissa rolled her eyes at me. That was probably not the best excuse but it was never really meant to be one.

I gave her a cheeky grin and started to walk away. That seemed to shock her.

"Come now, Severus. I finally found you and you wish to leave my presence this quickly." Narcissa spoke out with a hint of confusion and hurt. The tone caused me to wince and stop my steps. I did not want her to take this the wrong way after all.

"I know Narcissa but I really do have to do something." I looked over at her trying to convey how serious I was about this. I could only hope that she would accept that. Sure, it was not a definite thing but I wanted to deal with Dumbledore, and that want should make things go my way.

Narcissa looked me over examining me rather thoroughly. She then sighed and looked away with several emotions flashing in her eyes.

"You better not run and hide away again Severus. If you are planning some sort of ridiculous plan I would appreciate a heads up." Narcissa spoke out snarky and flashed me a small smile.

I was not sure if my current plans would qualify as ridiculous so I was just going to not mention them. Her concerns were warranted even if they were addressed in a joke. I really could end up doing something insane when left to my own devices.

"If I ever want to enact a melodramatic plan I will make sure you are the first to know." I let out a small little grin to reassure her. I was not going to do anything that should affect her. She just gave me a small measured look before huffing and walking away.

I watched as she walked away. The smile slipping from my face. I had so many plans that could shake this world to its core. I had already done something rather reckless by stealing from the Prince's vault. Something like that will cause the waves to shake everything up.

The goblins would be outraged that someone dared to break into their vaults. The Dark would be outraged that someone dared to steal from a respectable pureblood house. The Light will be concerned about what the theft will mean for the rest of the world. The neutral faction will be despairing that one of their members was broke now, fearing that they would be next.

I did not even do a good job of covering up my actions. Someone stole literally all the gold the Prince vault held and I dropped five thousand galleons on a shit ton of ingredients literally minutes after the theft. I held a grudge against the Prince's and I suddenly had a massive amount of Galleons. Anyone with a functional brain could piece together the puzzle when given clues like that.

I did not really care if I did find myself suspect number one. I would evolve rapidly with the Alpha Stigma. Every second I spent living in this magical world I would learn something new. I planned on pushing perhaps the greatest Wizard of this generation. I would learn thousands of things from pushing the old geezer.

Sure it might have the old goat lusting after me even more. Once he learned that I could stand my own ground with him he should back off a bit. If I tell him that I wanted to keep a neutral stance in the coming war it might even cause him to stop openly coveting me.

He would not want to push me into the hands of Voldemort after all. He would most likely be plotting to get me under his thumb but that was okay. Nothing he could say would really convince me of his cause and he could not really threaten me in any way that mattered.

Well, he could threaten Narcissa as she was my only friend. The issue with that was her family was firmly in the Dark camp. Threatening her openly would have this cold war warming up rather rapidly. That was not something Dumbledore wanted to see.

He may be an old manipulative fuck who was as self-righteous as they came but he wanted the least amount of blood shed. So he would not take an action that would cause the war to pop off. 

He would also only see me as a powerful pawn. He would not really know my true worth. No one in this dimension should know the true depth of my value. Lily knew an important part of my strength but it was not all of it.

As I watched Narcissa walking away I contemplated that last thought. Lily knew something that I was not willing to tell the whole world about. I could only hope that she did not manage to tell anyone that secret. It had been a rather short amount of time so that hope should be plausible.

So I scrapped the confrontation with Dumbledore for now. Her having that secret would only bring bad things to my door. She also did not deserve the knowledge of my greatest creation. So I was going to rip that knowledge away from her. Magic was really far too convenient in that regard.

Before I felt my world crumbling around me so I did not really care if my secret got out. It would not really affect me so why would I care? I felt far too confident in my strength to even bother taking the information from her. Well, that was a small part of it if I was going to be honest with myself.

The major reason was I did not want to even think about Lily during that time. She ripped me to shreds and I was barely able to operate by ignoring her very existence. I suppose another part of me did not want to hurt her by tearing into her mind.

Those things were no longer such an issue. I could think about what she did without flipping my lid. I also no longer felt the need to protect the foolish girl. So now would be a good time to act.

The question of where she was came up. Using the point me spell did not really work all that well on people. It was possible but only if that person was in the same room. I really wished that I took the fucking map from the dumbasses. I just never thought I would need to track people down in this castle.

I had so many opportunities to steal it as well. Well, I was just going to have to rely on my most important ability.

I just started to walk randomly around the castle with the Cloak back up. I did not want to have Dumbledore catch me before I Obilivated Lily. It would leave her even more time to snitch on me after all.

After a couple of random turns and a few minutes of walking around, I found her. Bless Fortuna and the truly broken aspects of her ability. Fortuna seemed happy about my praise but there was a hint of contempt in her emotions. It was not directed but considering the context I knew who she was upset at.

Lily was walking down the hall by herself. She seemed to be clutching her head like she just hit it. I imagined slips and falls have become a rather common occurrence for her now.

I thought I was capable of seeing her without losing myself. It had been two whole years after all. I had opened my heart to someone else and accepted the fact that Lily was never the person I thought she was. I assumed that I could face her with a clear head.

I should have known that would not be entirely true. Even when things were good between us I never could hold my self well in front of her. Now was not any different.

Not that I was losing myself in my emotions. I certainly felt a swirl of conflicting things. Yet, they could not sway any of my decisions.

The anger and wrath that wanted to tear this girl to pieces was boiling but was restrained. I felt Lust burning inside at the sight of her but it did not overwhelm me. I felt sadness at the sight of her but it was not that all-consuming despair. A small part of me reminisced but it was like a quiet song in the background.

I felt so many things but my decisions were my own not the consequences of my burning emotions.

She did not look to be in good condition. Her robes were dirty and disheveled. There was a rather large shiner on one of her eyes. Her hair was a mess and appeared to have some twigs in it. She also looked like she had been crying for a literal week by this point. The sadness that seemed to seep out of her had a small pang of sympathy throb in my chest.

I wanted to say so many things to her. To vent the emotions that have been festering for so long. To confront the girl that once held the world up for me. Yet, seeing her as this sad mess of a being I held my silence.

I stunned her as I did not want to talk to her. I was close enough to catch her before she hit the ground once more. Even unconscious she seemed to emit sadness. I set her down and clenched my fists.

She should be feeling these things. She betrayed me. She broke the world around me. The last remnants of love I held for this girl shattered that day she stabbed me in the back. She was not the person I loved obsessively. She was a liar and a cheat.

I planned on breaking her. To hurt her beyond any other. To dangle hope in front of her as she struggled in vain. This sight should be nothing to me. She meant nothing to me.

I should have learned by now that no matter how many lies I tell myself that was not going to be true. She meant something to me and that was not something that changed. These bitter feelings that swelled in my chest were a good sign of that. The plots and rage were another sign. 

I hated the fact that I could not face this marred face without feeling conflicted. I lay her on the floor as those bitter emotions swelled.

I then took the one secret that broke me apart and walked away. The sight of her was not something I wanted to see. Perhaps avoiding her was the best call after all.

I walked these familiar halls with my chest feeling tight.

I felt like I was holding my breath. Even if the steady fall of my chest remained clear. I entered into that encounter fully aware of what I would see but it still left a bad taste in my mouth. Objectively I knew that she would be suffering from incurring my wrath. I should be ecstatic at seeing her condition. Elated at the notion that she was suffering for the sins that she spewed.

The wrath and disdain boiling in my gut should be satisfied with the outcome in front of it. The sorrow that seemed to seep out of her should be music to my ears. A melody that I have been looking forward to for two long years.

Yet, the sadness that seemed to embody her current state disturbed me. It felt like tiny little pricks on my emotional sanity. Her swollen eyes brought me no satisfaction nor did it settle my mind. The wounds marring her face could not sate my wrath but it seemed to dull it. 

I wanted to be angry, I wanted to be disdainful of her entire being. I wanted nothing more than for her existence to mean nothing to me. Yet, wanting something did not make it a reality. I knew that to be true for far too long.

All that seeing her did was bring melancholy to my door. A sadness at her pain and a regret that things were as they were. Perhaps she may not have been the ideal person I was building inside of my head. Yet, she was still that girl who lent a hand to a boy that was drowning. That never changed even if I treated that gesture as something far more.

She may have changed from that young girl or maybe I changed enough to push her away. Still, the embers of that relationship remained and it brought nothing but regret.

It did not matter if those embers remained after all. The stones have been cast and the house had long since crumbled. The building that was our relationship was broken beyond repair. I wanted to lash out at her for it but seeing her now brought that into question.

If seeing her this low brought my emotions into conflict then would seeing her broken be any different? Would seeing her break into pieces be all that I wanted or would it be another lie that I was feeding myself? I did not know and I was not certain if I even wanted to know in the end.

I had clutched this pain and betrayal tightly for so goddamn long that letting go of it felt wrong. That it would be betraying the person that I was. If I allowed someone to hurt me like this with no consequences laid at their feet what did that mean? That anyone could wander into my heart and trample it to pieces without reprisal. That my pain was a worthless thing.

It all came down to what I wanted. Beyond any other notion, my own want should be the driving force behind my decisions. I had grown powerful enough that I could afford to pursue those desires. Did I want to indulge in those vile thoughts or did I just want to let things die as they were?

Moments flashed in my mind. A quick desperate measure that I took because I refused to let my promises remain empty. A moment lost in eyes so unfamiliar to me. The glow of a sunset dyeing a city scape beautifully. Tears pooling in the eyes of someone baring their heart to me. A breathless face panting after a long lust filled moment. Clutching onto a soft warm body hoping that it could last forever. A moment of desire inflamed as we devoured each other. A final vow to never say goodbye.

That was what I desired. Those moments were what I wanted. What I sought now. The goals and outcomes that drove me were based on pursuing that. Petty plans of vengeance were irrelevant to those desires. I was willing to abandon them already when faced with upsetting that girl. Why would now be any different?

The plans on breaking Lily. The emotions that spurred such thoughts were not worth it. It would only drive me further into the abyss. It would just break me in a different way. I would allow the wreck of a house to drag me away from what I really wanted. For petty reasons that honestly meant nothing to me now.

The nonexistent breath that I had been holding faded away. The illusory hold those thoughts and emotions held on me gone with a choice. The pain that I had clutched for so very long released with the air. I no longer doubted what I thought or what I wanted. Those things were all too clear to me now.

I was not capable of forgiving Lily. The bridge that once led to that place was burned to ashes. What I was capable of doing was moving on. To forget the pain that she had brought me and look towards a different future. To let these festering wounds recover finally.

To do that I needed to let go of the girl Lily Evans in all the ways that matter. No plots, no plans, no further action. The world will turn and I will walk away with it.

I was being that melodramatic fool once more but at least I could be confident that I was making the right choice. A smile broke out on my face.

The long corridors no longer felt so constricting. I took my Cloak off and emitted my Aura once more. I then started to walk towards a nice open area. I was prepared to evolve once more. The old geezer will never see what is coming.

With those bitter feelings no longer dragging me down I decided to lighten my mood. I sent Ashley a short little direct message.

[Overdramatic Fool: Just killed my father.]

[NTR Victim: Immediately jealous, I wish I could kill my parents.]

Another chuckle escaped from me as I walked. Figures that Ashley would take a statement like I killed my father and respond with something like that. She knew how I felt about the man so there was no need to coddle me. 

[Overdramatic Fool: Patricide is always on the table. I'm sure that you have grown enough to take care of your parents Ashley.]

[Overdramatic Fool: You could buy a lot of things to protect your brother from authority figures. Actually, I kind of want to spend some time hanging out with you later. I just have to beat up an old man for all he is worth.]

[NTR Victim: Sweet looking forward to seeing you again. I wish I could mug an old man. You get to do all the cool shit Prince.]

[Overdramatic Fool: I was not really planning on robbing him. Was just going to beat the shit out of him until he learned to leave me alone. Then again he does have a lot of cool shit. Maybe I will mug him.]

[NTR Victim: You are not helping my jealousy.]

I could already picture the pout that would be gracing her features. I was tempted to invite her to watch me fight Dumbledor but it was rather risky. I was not sure what tricks he had in his pocket after all. The man had lived through a war between literal Wizard Nazis after all.

Why did Wizard Nazis become such a frequent issue for my people? I mean twice is not really a whole ass load of examples but it was strange that it happened twice. Not to mention both of those groups popped up back to back.

When I really thought about it I could see how it might have happened. Wizards and Witches were really the superior example of Humanity. If we learned how to properly handle our gifts we would have no issues proclaiming ourselves gods. So I could understand how those groups managed to fool so many of our people on the banner of innate superiority. They were right in a certain sense after all.

The only thing holding us back was well ourselves. It was a shame as there was some real potential in our people. If the Dark camp had any real abilities they would not even have my ire. They could have taken over the muggle world with no issues and I would not really care.

The problem with them was they were not prepared to deal with modern warfare. They had the capabilities to be prepared but as they stood now they would get destroyed by the Muggle army. Not to mention if they tried to enslave every Muggle they might just nuke the world out of spite.

You do not corner an animal and expect things to go well for you. That was the path that the Dark factions were treading down. Luckily enough for the Magical world, their Dark Lord was going to get toppled. Once I learn enough about the magic of this world I will kill Voldemort.

I did not want to come back to a world that was in ruins because I could not bother to off one guy. The Muggle might actually end my people if given the opportunity. It was only a matter of time before they discovered us after all. Technology was advancing at such a rapid rate eventually my people would have to face the Muggles.

This means I might have to monitor this dimension more thoroughly if I ever wanted to come back. I did have a friend here after all. 

Beyond that, I was probably going to have to help Ashley kill her parents. It was a strange state of affairs that I could not even question the validity of my girlfriend asking me to off her parents. 

Whatever I knew the type of girl that I was dating. To call her mentally sound would be a falsehood beyond any other. She was getting better but she was still the same murderous gremlin that I knew.

[Khajit Has Information If You Have Coin: Wait, So Prince and Ashley got sent to my world on a mission?]

[The Best Oppai In The Underworld: Yeah, I wish I could have got to meet you earlier Argo-san but Prince and Victim hogged the mission. ]

[Khajit Has Information If You Have Coin: Hey Prince! You're apparently magical. Why did we spend so long trapped in there if you were!?]

I winced as that was not a question I wanted to answer. I had my reasons but Argo would still be mad about thousands dying because I did not take action. Sure she would probably accept the reasons but that did not mean that she would not be hurt.

Still, I could not hide away from this forever. It was better that it got out now. At least this way Argo would be given some time to get over the hurt.

[Overdramatic Fool: Sorry Argo, the mission was to beat the floor boss on floor 75. I had no idea what would happen if we failed the mission so I could not risk cutting the game short.]

[NTR Victim: He really does mean that Argo. He spent the first year bitching about getting us out of there faster.]

Hurtful truthful but still hurtful. If I knew that she was alright with taking her time I could have taken my time instead of hurrying the process. I did want to spend more time fucking my girlfriend after all. Even if we were only able to do that in the virtual world. Before I could reassure Argo about what she went through another message caused me to pause.

[I Was A Hunter But I Took An Arrow To The Heel: It has come to my attention that magic is real. It was also proven to me that I do in fact have magical resistance. So you are not a group of people trying to fool me…]

Well, that is certainly interesting. I could feel the awkward energy emitting from that message. It was good that Pyrrha was going to finally accept what was happening. Fuck I have to apologize to her as well. I did sick Fortuna on her for a rather long time.

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Merged two chapters for you guys, I wonder if you can tell where the chapters merged.