1 His world stopped spining
Do you have any idea how you would react if you were thrust into a strange and unfamiliar situation? I have always thought that I was an individual who could face that unfamiliar situation and come out on top. I was the type of man who planned within plans and thought endlessly about all the possibilities. More accurately I thought of unbelievable situations and how I would react to them to escape my mundane reality. A rather average story for those who use literature as an escape. I knew the world and myself well enough to admit that it is a fairly common tactic. Although I never claimed to be anything but average.
That's the thing though no matter how many ideas you have you cannot predict how you would react. No plan survives actual action, that is something that I am learning now. Even if it was a fairly obvious thing it's something you have to experience to learn. It is certainly a lesson that I have learned at this very moment.
I came too in a moment of sudden clarity. I was experiencing a sudden surge of vertigo as the world reversed suddenly. My surroundings were completely different than what I was used to no longer a bedroom but a courtyard. I was surrounded by teenagers laughing at me and they were all dressed strangely. I was hanging upside down defying physics as I've seen nothing capable of holding me. My mouth tasted of soap and I struggled to breathe. My lungs burned as I could finally take a gasping breath even though I was breathing fine a moment ago. Then I was falling like a meteor striking the ground.
As I was falling in that moment of weightlessness I saw her. She was a young girl with vibrant red hair and freckles. Her face was struck with a grimace as she looked upon me. Her eyes shined so brightly expressing anger, wrath, and grief. Yet in those eyes, those hauntingly familiar eyes I felt so much. I saw all I wanted and everything I needed in the world. I saw the rock in the stormy sea of my life. I could swear that the world stopped spinning as my gaze met those bright emerald eyes. I felt my very being shatter as I recognized those emotions that marred her face. I was the cause of that. I hurt her so deeply. These strange emotions and thoughts surged within me. Still, they felt all too real to me even if I never met this girl in my life. I knew them to be true like I knew the sky was blue. Or that my name was…wait. What was my name? Morgan or was it…
As these emotions and thoughts reach a crescendo in my mind. I finally understood everything. As emotions and memories slammed into my very being I recognized her. Of course, I recognized her she was my everything. She was my only reason to keep on living this wretched life. She was Lily Evans. She was my childhood friend. She was the very light I craved even knowing that I had fallen far too deep to deserve her. She was Lily Evans. And I was Severus Snape. A lonely boy trying to grasp any shred of power in his miserable life. He was so lost that he could not even recognize the path that he was treading was the one he would have hated to his very bones. Not for any moral reasons. No, because the only thing that lay at the end of that path was the death of the only thing he ever cared about.
Then I hit the ground and the world spun once more.
"Huh. finally showing your true color sniveless." With a barking laugh, one of my teenage tormentors finally decided to proclaim their thoughts. Sirius Black of course has never liked me, not for any effort on my part. No, he disliked me because Potter did and I was a Slytherin. Something that he was raised to worship but in his rebellious nature something he wanted to spit upon. I'm sure if he had the capability he would have wiped my house from the face of the world.
Still his laughter and his opinion meant nothing to me, not now. My head throbbed as I stood up shakily. Lily had already left the scene and I needed to follow up. To do something. I wasn't quite sure what but I had to try. Even if I knew that she had already slipped out of my grasp.
I already started to move not too fast as I was still unsteady but moving all the same. I was moving as fast as I could until I felt someone's hand on my shoulder dragging me back.
"I think you said more than enough Snape she no longer wants to hear any of it?" I felt my very being recoiled as he touched me. I never welcomed anyone's touch let alone Potter's. They learned that when they got rather physical with me one day. I may have lost more often than not when dealing with them but my revenge was swift and oh so gruesome. The fate that I dealt them after they used their hands. Well, I'm sure they will never forget it. So I'm surprised Potter is touching me. Maybe he thought it was different. Whatever the reason, I don't have time to deal with it. Lily may not be running but she has left already to steam in her own emotions.
"You win Potter. I won't approach her any longer. I just need to say goodbye." I don't know if he could sense the fragility of my emotions but he let me go. I knew for a fact if he didn't allow me to leave my boiling magic would overflow. He did win after all, he shattered Severus Snape. Nothing he or I could do would bring him back. Severus Snape died on this day. Not that anyone else but me knew that.
As soon as I felt his hand release my shoulder, I bolted. I ran with all the capabilities of this fragile body. I just barely recovered my breath and now I'm sprinting with all I have. My lungs burned once more. My head throbbed as I pushed myself physically. Still, I did what I must as I needed to do this as a goodbye to Snape. I soon caught up with her. She may have left but she was not in the same desperate mode that I was. She left so she would no longer have to see me. Something that would utterly shatter Snape once more. Something that I understood.
"Lily Wait!" I managed to yell that out even as my lungs felt like they were going to collapse.
She whipped around quickly with rage up on her face. I hated that. I caused this. Still, as I accept the actions of this life I won't run away from them. So before she can go into a tirade against me I speak.
"I don't deserve forgiveness." That was probably the last thing she expected me to say and soon her face shifts from outrage to confusion. It was to be expected Severus Snape would never let go of Lily. She was his everything. She was my everything. Still when things are bad sometimes you have to admit that they are.
"I could say any amount of excuses. I could say any amount of things. Justified or not. It doesn't change things. I hurt you." My voice cracks at that. That is the most painful thing to admit. It was probably the last thing Snape ever thought he'd do. He would have let the world burn for her so why would he hurt her? The old Snape would have said any amount of things to avoid admitting that. As that painful truth was something that he did not want to accept. The thing is while I have all his memories and emotions I have a different perspective. I knew when things had to be said. This was just one of them.
"I hate that. I hate myself. I never thought I would hurt you. I never thought I was capable of that. I never thought I could be like my father." Again something Snape would never admit. I needed to do that though to bear my shattered heart to her. So she could see all the raw emotions that lay underneath. All of the things Snape wants to say but would never dare to. Snape is gone so the only thing I can do for him is to get her to understand this lost child.
I can see it on her face. I can see the pain and betrayal. I can see that even now she wants to tear into me but all the same she wants to listen. Given enough time she could have moved on from me. The thing is you don't go from caring about someone to suddenly not caring about them. It's a lot harder than that. This may have been the straw that broke the camel's back but turning her back upon me is a difficult task. The proof of that is the emotions on her face. If she was truly already over me she would be indifferent, not pained.
"Still it doesn't matter. I may have let others lead me to this moment. But I'm here all the same. I don't deserve forgiveness but I must say sorry all the same." I can feel the tears overflowing from my eyes. Yes, I have to do something that Snape would never have approved. Sometimes if you want to win you have to lose.
"I want to beg for you to stay. To forgive me. I want to turn back time so I never would have said that. I want to do a thousand things. But I know what I must do." She looked at me as tears streamed down my face. She is now looking at Severus Snape as he was. I don't think she's ever seen how fragile Snape was. He was far too prideful to showcase this ugly wretched face. But she needed to see it. It's hard to let go. So I just have to make it harder. To showcase the wretched emotions of a broken lonely boy.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for letting myself become this. I'm sorry for being like my father. I'm sorry that I'm such a wretch. I'm sorry for saying that. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for so many things." I make sure to match her gaze. I try to show every last bit of Snape's shattered soul. Her eyes gleam and shake conflicted. She wants to comfort me even as she knows she shouldn't. Still, as I said sometimes if you want to win you have to lose.
"I'm sorry that this is goodbye. I'm sorry that I can't fix this. I'm not even sure if it deserves to be fixed. If I hurt you once then I could hurt you again. And I never want to do that. I'm sorry that we will never be as happy as we once were. I'm sorry for forcing you to do this. It's the right decision so don't regret it please. I'm sorry for everything." I can see her emotions settle. The rage and wrath is gone. All that is left is pain and grief. I hate seeing that on her face. Knowing that I can't fix the problem yet. No matter what I do it's not possible. It's far too late.
"No matter what, please be happy Lily. I'm just sorry that I made it so you couldn't be happy with me. Goodbye." After saying my peace I turn around swiftly and vacate as quickly as I can. I don't wait around for her to acknowledge my goodbye. It would be pointless. Right now I don't need her to vent her emotions. I need her to stew in them. I laid the seeds of conflict there. So she'll be thinking of me regardless of anything else. Hate, pain, betrayal, and melancholy she'll be experiencing a lot of shifting emotions tonight. And the night's falling as well.
Lily was many things. She was smart. She was kind. She was loyal. Above all else, she was a teenage girl. She could be impressed with grand gestures. Not with steadfast companionship but showy showcases of love. Of pain. Of sorrow. That was the only way I could see to get her back. I may not be the Severus Snape before the fall but he was still a part of me. For Snape, Lily was his whole world. The only reason the world spun. I already felt the same for her. It was an obsessive love. One that was entirely too unhealthy. Still, it was one that I felt all the same.
Oh, how I felt now. That was certainly something I was going to have to get used to. I always knew I was relatively strange. I had my ups and I had my downs but they always passed quickly. I could be hit with tragic news and I would be completely fine within a moment. Apathetic by nature but not completely emotionless. Snape on the other hand his emotions are so raw to me. I never thought love could burn like this. I never thought I could feel so elated with just the thought of a person. I never thought I could feel this low. Truly his emotions burned a lot hotter than mine ever did.
The only reason that I'm not a complete wreck at the moment is Snape's memories. Well, that's not entirely true his skills are the most relevant part. Even as a teenager, Snape's skill with Occlumency was extraordinarily high. So I leaned in and started to cage my rampant emotions. I managed to dampen his emotions to something I'm a little more used to dealing with. So I could finally think instead of feel.
I don't know if I made the best decision in dealing with Lily in that matter. I just knew I had to do something at that moment and I had a rough plan. Still, if I had chosen to calm myself earlier I might have made a different decision. That's the thing though I'm used to planning out a scenario instead of acting upon one. And I knew that sometimes you have to act or you'll lose. Still just because I said goodbye doesn't mean I don't have further plans for Lily. Just as Snape could not let her go, I am no longer capable of doing It either. How could I after feeling like that? I'm just going to have to play the game rather differently than the original Snape would have.
I knew of Severus Snape in my previous life. I knew of Lily Evans and James Potter. I knew the ending that awaited my dear Lily. I knew the part that I would have played in that tale. I knew exactly who would have taken her away from me. The man that Snape was so willing to serve for power. Oh, how I carry such a visceral hatred for that man now. Again not for any of the vile things that he would have done to the world. Just the fact that he had taken the one thing I care so deeply for. No, he has earned his death under that deed alone. I suppose I can't exactly blame the man for his future actions. That's not going to stop me from utterly destroying him. Lily can not live well in a world run by him so I only have one choice.
Previously Snape thought he could convince the Dark Lord to be lenient with his sheer talent alone. It worked for him after all he was a mere half bred but he was being courted to the Dark Lord's side all the same. The thing is Snape did not have the charisma necessary to convince anyone of anything. No Snape would have been led around by his nose until the very day she died.
So the Dark Lord has to die strictly based on the threat of his existence. This is of course going to be a rather tall task to take. Snape was a prodigy in both potions and dark magic but he was still a teenager. Still, just that prodigy while the dark lord is an experienced master of the dark arts. No one is his match except for Dumbledore and I refuse to leave Lily's life in his hands. In the original story she left her life in his hands and she still died. So the Old Coot can't be trusted either. So I had to figure out how to topple a Dark Lord by myself or how to manipulate the Lord of Light.
If I had enough time I was certain I could do it. I knew where every single one of his horcruxs was located. I'm just trying to figure out how to kill a man who is so feared that his name is not even spoken. No sweat right? I certainly had enough talent and aptitude to eventually reach that goal. The problem is Snape has already been scouted for the Dark Lord's side. He was rather enthusiastic about becoming one of those fabled Death Eaters previously. Now his actions have cost me time to deal with the world around us. If I pushed I could probably postpone my recruitment until the end of my Hogwarts tenure. It was probably going to be a rather painful thing to do but it would buy me some time. I certainly was going to need all the time I could get.
The throbbing of my head puts a rest to my thoughts. I suppose I should get that taken care of. I'm fairly certain that I'm bleeding just a little bit. I hit my head when I fell earlier. I could have avoided that fate if I was thinking properly. The issue with that was I barely understood the situation before I hit the ground. So now I have to deal with a concussion. I now tread a rather familiar path towards the infirmary. The amount of times that Snape had to visit this place was honestly atrocious for a school. Nothing serious most of the time just transfigured effects and pranks that go a little too far. Potter and his goons would not want to do something permanent if it meant Lily's ire.
Still, if I'm going to be interacting with the public I suppose I should enact another plan. I sink further into my mental defense. I sunk so deep into it that it was fairly obvious that I was using Occlumency. All emotions drained out of me as I became a being of pure logic. A living doll. This was so I could both protect my now rather valuable memories and showcase my fractured self. Nothing draws more sympathy than a broken bird. I'm not exactly the most charming of birds but there's one target that would be affected by this oh so well. The only person that it would really matter in the long run. In fact, if I'm so blatantly broken about my situation with Lily. I could probably get everyone to leave me alone for at least this year.
I was barely in the room before I found myself inspected head to toe. Let no one say Madam Pomfrey did not take her job seriously. She cared for all the children in Hogwarts and she was certainly a kind woman. She was young enough that a few of her patients would develop boyhood crushes on her. Sexy nurse fantasies are a thing for a reason. Not that Snape ever felt that way for her. There was only ever space for one person in Snape's heart. Pomfrey was certainly not a teenage redhead with sparkling green eyes. Still as I am now I could see the charm In her. Not that I had space for anyone else in my heart either. I was just capable of seeing the world as it is. She had some rather noticeable assets and was certainly curvy. You could certainly see how she became a teenage fantasy. Not that her dreadful uniform is helping that in any manner.
I felt a certain amount of conflict about her. On one hand, she truly did care about me even if she had the same care about any other student. On the other hand, she has witnessed everything that I have been put through and has not taken any true actions.
After her cursory inspection, she hummed lightly.
"I suppose you're not going to tell me how this injury came about either." She spoke out in a reprimanding tone. This was a rather odd game between Snape and her. Snape was rather prideful so he would never admit why he was injured one way or the other. No for if vengeance was to be struck it had to be by his own hand. So he always came up with an excuse that Pompey never really believed. Eventually, he ran out of believable excuses and started to tell elaborate made up stories. She was not going to believe whatever he said anyway so he might as well make it as outlandish as he wanted.
That was the problem Snape may have lied to her about what was happening but she accepted it all the same. She knew them to be lies but she allowed this dumb child to deal with it all the same. Maybe it was because of Snape's own vengeance that caused her to step back. Either way, the conflict I felt about her did not fade.
"The Goblins grew tired of Bin's notorious lectures about the rebellions. So they kidnapped me and were converting me into an assassin for our dear professor. Luckily enough for me, my kidnappers got into a fight over whose teeth were sharper and I managed to escape with just a small head injury." I spew out my ridiculous story with a rather dull tone. I had to carry on the tradition to maintain my character even if I did it with no inflection.
She simply snorts at my story but does give me a concerned look as I get into it. This is the other face of my conflict. She really did care for him. There were so very few people who cared for him that this empty care was heartwarming. It was entirely born out of her own kindness so seeing his current condition must be rather disheartening for her.
Still, her concern for me is waylaid by her need to heal the injury. Head injuries are no joke after all. A murmured spell and the wound was cleaned and bandaged. After that she handed me a potion to drink.
"Drink that dear and you should be good as rain in about 3 hours." She starts to corral me towards one of her beds but I shake her off. I quickly drank the rather disgusting portion and set down the bottle.
"If it does not make a difference I would rather head back to my dorm. I'm not exactly going to be the best company at the moment. I'd like to be by myself for a bit." She simply gives me a concerned look but allows me to go on my way. Which I'm rather thankful for. It may have been my plan to be this emotional doll in public but I don't want to do it all the time. I would rather sink into Snape's burning emotions than live in this dull world again.
Instead of going to my dorm, I went toward one of the abandoned classrooms. There was something I needed to do.
The room is sparse with multiple tables and the podium in the center. As with any place in the castle it was still rather clean. The house elves that worked here were always searching for more work to do. Still, there were no portraits or anybody within the vicinity. So this classroom can work with my plans. Not that I was going to be doing anything majorly suspicious but it never hurts to be by myself.
I took my wand out of my pocket and held it. It seemed to hum in my hands as if it was happy. That came as a rather large surprise. I honestly expected the exact opposite reaction. I now accepted myself as Severus Snape but I was not truly him. I was an amalgamation of what I once was and whatever shattered pieces of him were left. So his wand's approval of me was a rather pleasant surprise. I knew I could use some of Snape's skills as Occlumency came so easily to me. Still, I was worried that any of the actual magical arts would be more difficult to use.
So with a murmured Lumos I cast my first spell. Instantly the tip of my wand lit up with a blinding light. I quickly looked away as I did not want to sheer my retina. Again that was a rather pleasant surprise. Instead of magic being more difficult for me as I feared. It was instead rather easier than I expected. Magic was boiling beneath my skin and it was rather easy to manipulate. I could feel it so very clearly maybe because I'd never experienced it before. I knew for a fact that Snape never felt magic the way that I was currently feeling. I even felt like I had more magic than the Snape ever did. Maybe I had a larger chance of defeating the dark lord than I thought.
I want to experience more magic. I wanted to cast all the spells that Snape knew both light and dark. Magic was such a jarring difference from the mundane reality that I was previously a part of. It was just as intoxicating as feeling Snape's emotions were. I knew that was going to become an issue. Being addicted to feeling emotional highs was not a good thing. I certainly did not want to drown myself in the utter despair that Snape was once feeling. On the other hand, I knew that I could sink into the positive emotions he felt. I'm probably going to need to acclimate these new found emotions. I should probably limit exposure to Snape's full emotional capacity to about an hour a day. Or I could dial up emotion slowly as I got used to It. I am rather grateful that Snape was so gifted with the mental arts. Without them, I'm not sure how I would have handled this entire situation.
I was previously just a mundane adult working so he could live. Not exactly the healthiest outlook about my previous life but it is true. Now knowing how it means to feel I can see how suffocating that apathy was. I don't begrudge my previous self for that. That was just the hand he was dealt. Just as I don't outright criticize Snape's decisions. Snape was just an abused boy looking for any scrap of power he could gather. He let his hate for his father dye the rest of the mundane world in the same vein. Even if the only thing he'd ever cared about was part of that world he still allowed himself to hate it. No one ever did teach Snape how to deal with his emotions in a healthy manner. No in fact a lot of people purposely let Snape down the road that he is.
The two lives that make the person that I am now are starkly different. It's so much easier to feel the emotions that Snape feels and resonate with his being. On the other hand, the cold apathy of my previous self and all that he was is also easy to lean on. Well, his mind set is easy to lean on his personality and all that he was is utterly mundane. So I'm finding it difficult to truly relate to him.
He lived for the sake of living. He escaped the world around him in literature. He was a rather boring man to be truthful. So I find it rather strange that while I relate so deeply to Snape, a major part of who I am is that man. Maybe that part of me is more real. Still, it is what it is and I could not change who I am any more than they could.
With a flick of my wand, I conjure a mirror to look at who I am. I'm now a pale teenager so pale it's rather unhealthy. My hair is long and stringy and not properly cared for. My eyes are deep black. It's rather unnerving honestly. I am frail and thin. So much of my appearance is simply uncared for. Snape never had the money to truly care for his appearance. His hair was constantly exposed to potion fumes and he could not afford the proper hair care products. His teeth were already crooked from the abuse of his father so why care for them? Snape may have put up a facade that he never really cared about appearance.
The truth of the matter is he knew all the reasons he looked the way he did. So when Lily brought up how he should care for his appearance he would usually brush her off. He wanted to take her advice. He wanted to change so he could stand by her. Truthfully he agreed with everything she said but he couldn't afford it. He was barely scraping enough gallons from selling potions to attend Hogwarts let alone care for himself. Granted he was selling potions rather cheaply to garner favor so he could join up with the Dark Lord. He always thought if he made it big then he could change himself. That he could finally charm Lily with his dashing good looks. So many dreams and so many wishes. All of them lost the whims of fate. I won't have the same regrets. Not from either of my lives.
I could certainly lament the fact that I do not have the resources right now to fix this. That is what the previous Snape would have done. Me on the other hand I know things. Valuable things. Foreknowledge allows me the ability to gather resources a lot easier than Snape ever would have. One of the easiest things that I could take advantage of is The Room Of Requirements. Or more accurately speaking The Room Of Hidden Things as that is the one with actual items. I could also try my hand at gaining things in the mundane world. Snape may have hated every single part of the muggle world but I am far more familiar with it. There are certainly a lot of possibilities that I could reach for.
The easiest is of course The Room Of Hidden Things. I could march my way there right this very second. That brings up the worry about being seen doing so. The castle has eyes and ears everywhere after all. Not that I think anyone is actually purposely spying on me. Severus Snape was never really that important in the grand scheme of things, I just worry. I suppose the fact that I am not that Severus Snape is causing unneeded amounts of paranoia. That level of paranoia might actually be warranted. The Batman is an excellent example of that. He may have been a paranoid bastard but he did always come out on top in most cases because of it. Even if most of his victories were because of his absurd plot armor. To be fair to the Bat the plot also harmed him just a easily. No caution is probably the best move I could make considering these circumstances.
Luckily enough for me. I'm not just a John Doe anymore. I have magic. Something sought at so desperately by those of my previous reality. Which is entirely fair who would not want this power? The ability to manipulate reality as we know it. To live eternally and to kill with a single word. No wonder the pure bloods feel their place in society is so much higher than mere muggles. They may have allowed themselves to be lost to the tides of time but there's no doubt that they are superior in some ways. Even with all their inborn superiority they will be left behind strictly because they refuse to change. These families have rested upon their laurels and lived in the past. Not that this is any concern of mine if they wish to squander their talents god bless them.
Ignoring my tangent with magic avoiding the eyes and ears of the castle is fairly simple. Snape once learned the Disillusionment charm ages ago to sneak through the library. Not that that was actually helpful the wards that protect the restricted section are a lot stronger than that. I'd wager the only reason Harry Potter could sneak through that section so easily was his legendary artifact. Or maybe Dumbledore knew everything young Harry was doing. Either way, it's irrelevant the simple Disillusionment charm is more than fitting for the task ahead.
A quick cast of the spell and I find myself launching towards the room of hidden things. Oddly enough I was a whole lot better at the spell. I only hope Potter and his lackeys are too concerned with Lily to be messing with me. I would hate to lose this room to those dundder heads. Truthfully speaking. I don't actually know a lot about the Room Of Requirements. It was certainly a rather important part of the story but the fine details were never discussed.
I know that anything that is made by the room cannot be taken out of the room. I know that there is a separate room that stores all the lost things in Hogwarts. I know that the room changes to the desire of the person searching for it. Those are the general things I know. I don't know if the room has a copy of all the books that Hogwarts has. I don't know how far you can push the changes the room does. For example, could I create an indoor beach? Or could I increase or decrease the gravity of the room? Maybe it's possible to do something truly ludicrous like mess with the flow of time. Those are the many aspects of the room that I have no clue about. How far could you push a legendary artifact? That is something I don't know but I'm certainly willing to find out as long as no one else takes advantage of it. Meaning Potter and his goons are going to have to lose that oh so special map. Hell while I'm at it I might as well steal the legendary invisible cloak as well. It would only be fair after everything he's put me through.
The painting of the fool trying to teach a troll to dance is before me. Ignored by every single person in this castle except for those hidden elves. Thankfully the rest of the castle's inhabitants don't know its true purpose. Otherwise, I would have to fight for its use. The tests can wait for now I think of The Room Of Hidden Things as I open the door.
The room is vast and cluttered. There are literal heaps of old and decaying things. There are Countless bookshelves and storage cabinets, some looking entirely run down while others look relatively intact. I could probably make a pretty penny off of the craftsmanship and the age of some of them. Not to mention the contents of said cabinets. There are sheets of parchment littered on the floor. A quick glance shows missed homework and notes that students take. My eyes shine with joy as I spot a small pile of trinkets and jewelry. They are clearly dirty and old but once they are clean I can certainly make a profit off of them.
I found all that in a small cursory glance. There is still so much to explore here. This dusty and mildew infested room is a treasure beyond any other for me. This may have been a small amount of wealth but for me it's life changing. I'll keep pushing and changing this world. So that I can have better things. So I can explore the intricacy of magic? So I can take back my reason for living? It will all start here.
