48 Baby steps

These bitter memories might taste awful but the relief I felt once I got everything out was fantastic. It may not have been the whole story but it was similar enough. Maybe one day I would be able to tell Narcissa the full story. When I have grown from the person that I am. When I could finally muster the courage to fully trust the people I considered friends.

Truthfully all of my secrets were not that damming if they got out. I would be trusting people with very minor things in the big picture. If someone betrayed me and told the world about Fortuna I could just leave. This world did not hold that many attachments for me after all. Still, the issue was not the consequences of the betrayal it would be the act in it self.

To trust in others is a difficult task and to have that thrown into my face over and over again would hurt. It would be the world opening up and saying that I could never show that level of vulnerability to others. I wanted to be in a state where I felt comfortable opening up. That day is going to be a long ways away but I hope that I will eventually reach it.

Ashley managed to worm her way into me trusting her. Maybe it was the intimate contact. Maybe it was the fervent desire in her eyes. Maybe it was the long nights spent holding onto each other. No matter how she did it she managed to have me trust her beyond my own issues. So it was possible for me to trust others, it would just take literally two years of contact to establish that.

In that case, Narcissa should be a prime candidate in winning my trust. I have known her for a rather long time after all. The only issue with that was our relationship was fairly minor until recently. Sure I liked her previously she was one of the only people to take an interest in me after all. I just never really felt any deep interest from her.

My previous relationship with her felt like a passing interest. Something that she was doing to pass the time. I never felt like I could spill my deepest darkest secrets to her because it never felt like she wanted to know. Even as we were now she was testing her boundaries. Holding something back in case things went poorly for her.

I could not really blame her for that. It was just the person she was. It would be like blaming Ashley for her murderous impulses. It is a fault but no one was perfect. Those things were part of the reasons I liked these people in the first place.

Still, as I look at her now I wonder if our relationship was really all that shallow to her. She was perfectly still, with not a single expression crossing her face. It was as if she managed to stare Medusa directly in the eye. A statue that could only be formed from such a creature as the detail was far too vivid to be anything else.

The stillness could not fool me. The storm raged on and I was more than familiar with such a tactic. The fact that Narcissa of all people reached this stage was surprising. She must be well beyond livid in this moment.

I have known her for a very long time. Narcissa is the type of person to say one thing but feel another. To have any read on her true feelings would be a monstrous task. A facade that was charming enough to entrap the world. Yet, she was a girl weak enough that she could not bear her heart to the world.

No one wanted to know what lay in her heart. Not even herself. I was sure that if given the choice she would rather not have to feel the things that she did. She was far kinder than anyone really gave her credit for.

So to say and do the things that she did must hurt her immensely. I could be wrong but I was just taking in details I knew about her past, present, and future. I could only wish that the world would allow this girl some clemency. So she could feel what she needed to feel regardless of what the world wanted from her.

In this moment she was hiding behind her mask. Not willing to show me how far her emotions reached. If she did I could use that against her after all. If she truly felt as I thought than I could use her attachment towards me for my own goals.

That was the mentality that she operated off of. It was a sad thing but one that I fully understood. The pit of snakes that we slept in would not allow any other outcome.

Her current state was not something that was pleasant to look at. Not, for me or for anyone that really cared for the girl. I could only give her a sad smile. A smile that was not filled with bitter memories and empty dreams. No, this smile was filled with empathy at having to hide everything that really mattered in the end.

I don't know if she had enough time to process everything or if my smile was the tipping point, but she finally managed to shrug off her current state. 

Her posture is still tense but no longer the frozen statue like state. The empty doll like expression was replaced by a stiff mask of neutrality. It may not have been the true depths of her heart but it was a better sight than what she was before.

"Joining the living again?" I spoke out softly with a small smile gracing my face. It may have been a hypocritical joke but I needed to rib her slightly. She was my friend the least I could do was try to make an atmosphere lax enough that she could be herself.

She stared at me with that dissecting gaze. She then huffed, her expression was less stiff so I would take that as a win.

"The world can once more have the grace of my presence, truly a gift beyond compare." She threw her hair over her shoulder in a smug fashion. She then looked back at me with a much softer look. 

The glint of her eyes still swirling with emotions but her focus was on making sure that I was well.

I stood up from my spot on the ground and patted the dirt off of my clothing. I looked over at her and released a playful smile. I needed to make the mood better. I was not going to dwell in the past when the future looked so much brighter.

Narcissa was looking over at me. Her expression changed from a smug smile to confusion. As I towered over her she must have finally realized exactly how much I had changed.

I was tall for my age before. My body was also well on it's way to growing into a respectable 6'1. That was before I put myself into a state of perfect nutrition. Not to mention the countless other potions I ingested that increased my physical abilities. After two years of growth, I was now standing at 6'5.

I was hoping that this was the limit for my growth. I was already in the category of really tall. I would like not to be placed in the giant category. I did not want to pursue the life of a famous basketball player after all. That is a dream for someone else not for the magical badass that I found myself as.

Beyond my height, I was no longer the lanky rail thin boy that I was. My features were sharp and dominating. The body that laid underneath these robes was sculpted like a Greek statue. I had changed far beyond what anyone would have expected from me.

I was thankful that whatever place my body was resting in before took care of my hair and nails. I did not want my hair to be out of control and have nails that rivaled a sloth.

The way Narcissa's pupils dilated told me that she was really taking me in for the first time. I just continued to showcase that playful smile. I put a fair amount of effort into looking like this so it was nice to be appreciated for it.

"Cat got your tongue?" I let out playfully as she had not said a word yet. Narcissa remained surprised for a moment before she shifted her expression into something more appropriate. I could tell that she wanted to smack me upside the head for my words but refrained from doing so. I did not know if that was because it was not proper or because she was coddling me.

" Anyone would be shocked at seeing you like this Severus." Narcissa huffed out as she examined me more thoroughly. She was right. The drastic changes that have taken place were rather shocking. I went from a pale thin boy to the cover of a magazine after all.

I just gave her a smug grin as I offered her my hand to pull her up. I imagined that she was sick of sitting on the damp dirty ground by this point. She huffed but accepted my hand.

Her hand was soft with very little strength behind it. I assisted her in getting up. I was not going to yank her up after all that would just be rude.

Narcissa was examining her outfit with a sour look on her face. She was not dressed in anything all too fancy. She had to wear a uniform like everyone else after all. Still, her clothes were far more expensive in comparison to my own. Not to mention she had a general distaste for being dirty.

I laughed in amusement at her expression and that seemed to have her glaring at me. The small glare on her face lacked any real bite so it just made me laugh harder. Now I was sure she wanted to smack my head.

I took another look at her and her pout and decided to solve some of her issues. I snapped my finger and her clothes were cleaned and straightened in an instant. She should have been capable of doing something similar. 

It was honestly a coin toss. The type of magic that would help her was magic for servants. So maybe she never learned those spells as it would be beneath her. On the other hand, those spells would be perfect for when you need to take care of things quickly. Narcissa struck me as someone who would learn any advantage she could get her hands on.

My spell might not have been anything really impressive but my method was. Narcissa was giving me a wide look at my wandless display after all. I rolled my eyes at her and gave her another playful smile.

This may not have been a real secret of mine but it was something no one else knew. I wanted to be better so I needed to at least try to change. So I could afford to let go of these small secrets to her. She was someone I wanted to trust.

"Picking up some new tricks?" Narcissa snarked out as she examined me with a dissecting glance. Again I rolled my eyes at her but accepted it for what it was. A zebra could not change its stripes so why would Narcissa be any different?

Those traits are what made my friend who she was. I was just going to have to accept them for what they were. Just another piece of the girl named Narcissa Black.

"I got a whole new bag of tricks now." I grinned at her and she just huffed in return. I wanted to ruffle her hair to mess with her but that was probably a step too far.

It was really telling that all the women in my life were smug.

We started to leave the lake exchanging quips and barbs. The small smile gracing her face told me my efforts were noted and appreciated. I was glad to be in her company again.