1 Chapter 1

Milkers…Tata's…Knockers! I was laying on the wet sand of the beach, completely surrounded by jugs of every color and creed while the rushing waves ran across my feet.

"Oh Jonny, tell me again how you saved the world from an alien invasion," whispered the curvy cutie laying to my left.

I was a man of many tastes. Voluptuous, thin, black, white, it made me no difference – for I found beauty in everyone! Well, everyone who would listen to my tales of adventure, that is. Oh, and a nice rack, that's important too!

"I love hearing your tales of adventure, Jonny," cooed the exotic barbie to my right. "Give me more Jonny B. Jizzin. It's making me hot!" The way she brushed my messy dark hair as she whispered made me melt all over the sand! Suddenly I found my ears being attacked by a swarm of long, juicy tongues.

"You'll definitely be-jizzin' when we're done with you, Jonnyyy! All over our cute little faces."

There's no way I could last. It's…It's too much for my virgin little ears to handle! I could feel my entire body heating up – the blood rushing all over my face, the warm, tingly sensation in my crotch…

"Oh my God…yes…yes," I whined.

"Do it Jonny, do it for your namesake!" moaned the babe on top of me while the other two continued making sweet love to my ears.

"I'm gonna do it… I'm gonna do it! Here it comes! Aaand –

~GAME OVER – INSERT COINS TO CONTINUE~

My heart completely froze as the busty beautiful babes were suddenly replaced with those bold, pixelated words. They covered my entire field of vision under the VR headset.

"SHIT! Not again, I was just getting to the best part!" Whoever designed this game really knew how to hurt a man.

Before I could even remove the headset, I suddenly felt a slimy, sweaty hand slap down on my shoulder. "It's my turn now kid, beat it!" I ripped off the virtual reality headset from my head to see this tall, greasy dude with a fedora and a neckbeard gazing down on me, removing what remaining joy I had left. "You ran out of time. Now scram!"

Not wanting to irritate the miserable middle-ager, I threw his hand off and grabbed my backpack and Dre Beats and made my way towards the arcade's double doors. ~Whatever. I'm getting tired of this arcade anyways. It smells like sweat and piss every day!~

Gabriel was waiting not-so-patiently at the exit, tapping his feet like a nagging mother.

"Getting into it with the local gamers again, huh Jon?" he teased.

"Screw that man! He's like 45 and still rushing us off so he can play an X-Rated Arcade Game. What a loser!"

What a nightmare that would be – to be a middle-aged man who's still never known the pleasure of breasts on his face…IRL, I mean.

"I mean, at the rate you're going you might end up just like him," Gabe replied with a sly smile. He knew that dying single and a virgin was my greatest phobia. He was messing with me!

SMACK!

"Ouch! Kick me again and I'll make you walk home! Geez, so much testosterone out of you guys."

~ I know I'm barely into my twenties, but what if he's right? What if I become a 45-year-old virgin, still getting his rocks off to A.I. babes and anime girls? ~

The thought alone made me want to backflip off of a bridge, headfirst into the lake for a watery end!

***

We made one last stop to the local comic book shop to grab a few good reads for the weekend. Gabe and I didn't have anything else planned, so why not spend some time indulging ourselves in some fiction? The selections were endless: shelves upon shelves of different genres and colorful comics lined the aisles.

Gabe frolicked off to one side of the shop, prancing like a schoolgirl over some new Superman comic book that recently hit the shelf.

"Action Comics number 1028! It's finally here! Eeee!"

"HA! What a nerrrd," I shouted, just loud enough to make sure he could hear me. "If you like Superman so much, why don't you…oh my Lord!?" My eyes nearly bulged from their sockets the moment I saw the masterpiece that was staring me right in the face. It made me instantly forget whatever dumb insult I was about to hurl at Gabe.

"They actually have it!? 'Watashi no saisho no fera', -- also known as 'My First BJ' in English? Here? In mint condition?" Just looking at the cover made me drool like a hungry puppy: a gorgeous anime girl with long, flowing hair on her knees with her mouth wide-open! "Hee-hee-hee!"

"Eww, what a virgin," scoffed some random blonde broad who overheard me. How dare she judge me? I'm sure there was some erotic book with sparkly vampire boys somewhere in here, so why is hassling me over my…niche interests?

"Karma!" Gabe cackled.

Our goofing around was interrupted by a sudden AHEM coming from the check-out counter.

"Guys, are you going to buy something or…"

Gabe and I both nodded at each other signaling it was time to head out. He grabbed his Superman comics and I, my lewd manga – regardless of the judgy girl still giving me the evil-eye. I continued flipping through pages as I made my way to the counter, completely immersed in the grand tale of the hentai-protagonist and his first run in with a female… Oh, who am I kidding? I was just staring at the sexily drawn anime chicks, alright?

ANYWHO, I proceeded towards the counter, my eyes still glued to the soon-to-be-mine manga. The pace of my feet seemed to match my constantly increasing heartrate. But suddenly, WHAM! I ran face-first right into the back of some jerk, so hard that it knocked me on my butt. Someone was about to get their ass beat!

I slowly opened my eyes once I was done rubbing my aching forehead and looked up.

"Watch where you're going, you jack…" I bit my tongue, interrupting my shouting once I saw who that "jerk" was. Only it wasn't a jerk at all! My jaw fell to the ground when I recognized her face – the face of an absolute Angel. Chanel from college!

Everything about this girl was pure perfection. Her flowing, dark curls complemented her smooth olive skin perfectly. She was rocking a tight shirt which accentuated every inch of her curves – curves that I'd be willing to give up lechery for to sink my teeth into! That girl was flawless!

"Are you ok?" she softly said with her silvery voice. Those few words slipping from her glossy, pouty lips were almost enough to make me pass out on the spot.

~Oh my God…Chanel, the sexiest girl from college, is concerned about little ole me? Wait…Is this some sort of sign? Has the Almighty shone down a beautiful blessing right in front of my face? What if – ~

"Hellooo? Earth to guy on the ground?" she said with a confused look.

In all my ogling and fantasizing, I completely forgot that it was my turn say something. Although she looked damn sexy staring down at me from her position with her emerald eyes, I decided I'd better get up and respond…and hope and pray with all my soul I didn't come off as awkward. Welp, here we go.

Not even a moment after I got up and locked eyes with her, all the butterflies in the world suddenly decided to have a party in my stomach. I could feel the sweat trickling down my face as I struggled to think of what to say. The walls were closing in… Come on, Jonny, think!

"Hey goofball, you're supposed to say something," Gabriel whispered in my ear. I dramatically shoved him away then looked back at Chanel who was grinning from ear to ear. Apparently, she was enjoying my embarrassment.

"Umm, HOT! I mean…Hey!" SHIT! I already blew it! Virgin for life!

I could hear Gabriel's face slam into his hands and all the few remaining shop customers fell to the ground, rolling around in laughter. Usually, I'd be ready to strangle myself at this point, but I was too captivated by Chanel's adorable laugh, covering her mouth with her hand.

~ made her laugh with my awkwardness? I see this as a win! BOO-YAH! ~

"You're funny," she chortled, and I could hear the angels in heaven sing of my success. She leaned a little closer then cocked her head as if she were examining me – which sounds like a good time by the way. "You're kind of familiar, dude. Have we met before?"

~ ♪Hallelujah♪ She remembers me! ~

"Well…y-y-yea," I stuttered, "We had Mr. Slaughter for Business Calculus back at the university."

"Oh! You're that kid who was always snoring super loud in the back of the class!" Not exactly one of my proudest reputations, but she remembered me so, good enough! "How have you been? And…what are you reading?" Her attention shifted to the dirty manga that I completely forgot was wide-open in my hands. The moment her smile began to wane I panicked, chunking the book behind me and praying she didn't see what it was.

"Oh n-n-nothing," I said with a sad attempt at a fake smile. "Me and Gabriel were just grabbing a few things for the weekend! Definitely not any pervy mangas or anything, nope!"

Suddenly I heard a thunderous stomp from somewhere behind me. I paid it no mind however, because I decided in that moment I was going to nut-up, open my mouth, and ask out the girl of my dreams, like a man!

"Uhh, Jonny, we've got a big ass problem," Gabe said from behind me. I quickly shoo'd him away so I could focus back on Chanel.

"Sooo Chanel!"

"Hm?"

I could already feel the blood rushing to my face…and somewhere else. But I had to remain focused. It was time to be a man! "I was just out and about, and I was wondering…"

Suddenly Gabe grabbed my shoulder from behind, sweat trickling down his face. "Jonny I'm being for real, my toxic masculinity radar is off the charts! We need to leave right now!"

"Bro, you're messing up my game! Chill!" I turned back to Chanel who had her eyebrows cocked with this incredible smile, a smile so charming it made me take a step back. Dammit, Jonny, it's now or never!

I got on one knee and grabbed her soft hands, my eyes glistening and staring into hers. "Chanel, you are the finest girl I've ever seen," I began. "I was wondering if you'd let me take you on a da—"

"WAHHH!" Gabriel suddenly went flying right over our heads and straight out the double doors, shattering the glass to the ground.

"What the hell?" As much as it pained me, I had to turn my attention away from Chanel. I turned around to see the source of the commotion to see this massive, roided out dude-bro stomping towards me. He was stomping so hard he was actually leaving cracks on the shops tile floors. And here he was, now towering over me at at least 6ft and possibly 200 something pounds of pure, pissed off muscle. He was dark skinned and wearing a t-shirt that was obviously too small for him, just so he could flex his biceps I'm sure. So why was he staring at me like I shot his dog or something?

"Can I help you, bro?"

"Who…" he growled, "threw this dirty ass, nerdy ass book at me?" He shoved a manga in my face, forcing me to see whatever he was yapping about.

"'Watashi no saisho no fera,'" I read aloud. Then it clicked, "Uh-oh."

"Yea, 'uh-oh' is right, lame ass boy! Now kiss my Jordans and maybe I won't stomp you!"

"Excuse me?" I struggled out of his grip and slapped the manga away, taking a quick step back to brace myself for a fight. "Chanel who is this clown?"

"That's Cameron – Chocolate Cameron," she said, fawning like a teenager. "Duh!"

"Chocolate Cameron? Is that like his Porn-hub name or something? And you're saying 'duh' as if I'm supposed to know who this fool is. He's a brotha with waves and a long beard. Basic as hell."

She snorted at the 'basic as hell' part, probably because she knew it was true. "Don't tell me…you and this dude?"

She left my side and waltzed right into his big, brawny arms. A sickening sight that made my heart crack. Chanel, as gorgeous as she is, with this meathead. But why?

"Just look at him," she cooed, staring up at her handsome hulk. "Don't you see his sculpted arms? His abs chiseling through his shirt? His kingly pecs?" The more she said, the more I shrunk.

"And I love his long, black…beard! Plus, he buys me designer clothes and drives a beamer." She gave me a look of disdain all of the sudden, as if I were a mere peasant. "Sorry um…whatever your name is, but you'll have to upgrade if you want a girl like me. You're kind of a loser."

"Hear that? You're a loser, lil' homie! And I'm everything you're not! While you're in the crib playing Xbox and jerking it to anime, I'm out here making money and getting bitc— I mean…taking care of my boo!"

I fell to the ground. I couldn't take any more of this abuse! Every fiber of my being wanted to sock this sorry sucker in his ugly face! But…that won't change the fact of the matter.

~ Am I really a loser? No…no! I can beat this guy! I can get the money; I can get the car and the clothes! I can even get Chanel! I'll rub it all in his bearded face, then laugh attem! Then I'll rub my face in Chanel's bouncy breasts. Heehee! ~

"That's it!" shouted the comic book shop owner. "All of you get the hell out!" He whipped out an aluminum baseball bat and leapt over the counter, sprinting towards us all like a madman.

"Whoa Lordy, time to get out of here!"