1 "Jealousy and Admiration"

"Jealousy and Admiration"

-annoying, heart-aching, painful to feel, a feeling that's worst than getting rejected is one where you were accepted, yet you feel as if tho you weren't. That's Jealousy. In other meanings, it's fear of not being able to keep what you own.

-inspirational, heart-warming, gives butterflies to your stomach, a feeling often associated with romance. That's Admiration. Say, what would happen if two, completely and utterly incompatible feelings were to clamp together? Not in a relationship, but into one person. What would happen?

-It all started around my freshman years. I, Jake, just got transferred into Harvard. Crazy ini't? An average person like me was accepted into such a privileged school, but honestly, I never really cared about the degrees. All I wanted was to learn. One time while we were discussing, one girl caught my eye. Apparently she was last year's valedictorian. My classmate, Cynthia.

While she was reciting I couldn't help but keep staring at her, I was across the room but her presence felt so near, her voice echoing through my ears as if a gentle whisper was being blown into it, her scent reaching far and far beyond just our class. I wonder, should I even be in the same vicinity as this perfect being? But enough of that. As she sat down after recitation, I couldn't help but constantly glance at her.

I've observed many things from her, first is that she's always focused on either books or homework, she never goes out for break time unless she was invited to, she's hardworking and smart, she's the whole package of what a model woman who was raised by the classiest would look like. But she was also far from that..

One time, as I went into one of the vacant rooms of our hall to patrol, there, I saw that same girl. That supposedly perfect being.... Crying. She was slitting her shoulders, drops and drops of blood kept pouring in as she cries, her hands covering her mouth, her hair so messy, and her scent being engulfed by the smell of iron.

I quickly rushed in to stop her, she then stared at me. For a while, it felt like I was lost in another world.... One where only the two of us could enter. Then, she spoke. "You're that new guy.... Oh.... You saw me like this huh? You must be very dissapointed aren't you?" She said as she shows such a frail looking smile, I try to utter words but my mouth won't seem to let me. "Well, that's fine. Not like I was trying to hide this anyway. Pft, so~ the new kid saw the valedictorian breaking down hm?" She adds as she shrugs off what just happened, her shoulders still bleeding, her eyes still filled with tears, her face so red and her knees shaking. As I watch her dance despite all of what happened, one thought came to mind.

She was..... Beautiful.

Starstruck from what I saw, I wake myself up once again to see her treating her own wounds and covering it with her dress as if nothing had happened. She looks straight into my eyes as she opens the door "I'll get your contacts later, this'll be our little secret. Okay? Mr. Newbie~"

And with that, the tales of my feelings started. Her last words made me speechless, me remembering how she looked both now and when I saw her before, knowing I saw two sides of the same person, I couldn't help but admire her. In a way that she doesn't waver in front of others. But at the same time I feel admiration I felt pity as well. "What a sad piece..." I say to myself, associating her with art. If she was the painter, her body would be the painting, those slits she made was her ripping out the painting for not being beautiful or pretty enough according to her own judgement. If she had listened to others, would she still have done it?

I walk out of the room soon after, still thinking about her when she appears right beside me. "Your contacts, now." She said in a hurriedly manner, I gave her my id since it had both my social media and phone number taped at the back, she then rushed off once more. As class ended, I receive a text from an unknown number, assuming it was her I asked what she planned on doing.

"Come, to the back of this building." That was the last message she sent. I scratch my head, wondering if I got into some sort of mess, but ultimately I ended up going. As I arrive I was met with a graceful figure, singing while sitting underneath a tree. For a moment she stops and looks at me "ah, finally. You've kept me waiting Mr. Newbie" she says as she stands up and walks toward me.

"What is this about, Cynthia?" I ask, crossing my arms. She then proceeds to embrace me and whisper into my ear "shh, call me Tifa." She says. "Fine, Tifa. But what is this about?" I ask her. She then proceeds to back off once more and give me a smile." I saw you. " She said." Pardon?" I replied.

" I saw you, once before. On a competiton. You were the one who placed first, yes? I was in that competition too." She said. She then proceeds to grab my hand and whisper in my ear once again " Y'know..... I like smart guys, and I think I'm starting to like you. " She teases me, then proceeds to laugh it off and talk to me once more." You saw my secret, I think it's fair for me to know yours. Yes?"

I then ask her what secret? She then proceeds to point at my head. " Why are you hiding your academic talent and your knowledge? Is it because this school looks low in your standards? " She asks. I shake my head and once again she asks " I see, let me rephrase it then.... Why is it, despite having the talent to do so, you never put any effort in your academics? " I smile and point at my head as well. " I'm not smart and I don't have the talent for that, I was just lucky people I got paired up with in my previous schools were lazier than me." I say shrugging it off. She slaps me once across the face,trying to process what just happened I look at her,tears started flowing from her eyes. "Liar." She says as she runs away.

A few months pass by,I started getting accustomed to the school. Me and Cynthia kept talking to each other,for once too I tried exerting effort as she said and both of us tied for first place. Our average up to the point were a match, 98.3 at first I was shocked,but when I saw her face with frustration and admiration,I couldn't help but smile at what I had achieved.

This rivalry went on for 3 more years.we were always matched on everything,sports,academics, competitions,you name it. We'd have both finished first place always with the same score. As it went by me and her started talking even more,not just about academics but personal life as well. She told me about her situations,I told her about mine. We told each other out secrets and once,I confessed my feelings to her.

It was almost time for mid-terms, I was about to ask her to study with me and hold a quick competition on who can get the answer the fastest. Or at least that was the plan.

As I was about to ask her, I saw her walking with someone, the salutatorian of the school, Zachary. If it weren't for me putting my all I doubt I could've beaten him or matched Cynthia, but even then. I never saw Zachary exert effort, I'm living in fear that one day, he'll start going at it seriously and surpass me.

.... I'm jealous. Lucky.

.... I feel admiration from him, I'll make sure to be better and beat him even if he gets serious.

Those two thoughts I felt at the same time ruined my entire posture, as if the balance I worked so hard to maintain since I was a child crumbled. Mid-terms came, I placed third. I wasn't only beaten by Zachary for first along with Cythia, someone else passed me. It was frustrating. People started looking down on me as they stared up into our two first placers.

I see, it was never my place to stand on top, I knew that now. I say to myself as I hand out a transfer notice to our principal. Harvard isn't for me, prestigious education, academic rivals, feelings, romance, friends, none of it was for me. I felt utterly embarassed and for once I felt actual defeat from someone I doubt ever considered me a threat. News began to spread, that I transferred onto another school, rumors started spreading about what reason I would've done it.

Journalists from schools neighbouring started hunting for me, trying to find the reasons why I did so. It became annoying so I spoke up. I was scheduled for a radio broadcast on one of their channels, ofcourse word began to spread quickly and in no time, an hour before I was on air everyone was already listening to the radio.

Here we go. 5 more minutes until I speak, I wonder.... Are they listening? Is she? Is he? I chuckle as I pull the mic close.

"I assume everyone has already heard of the rumors that spread about why I transferred out, and I'm here to debunk all of that and tell you the real reason I left. Brace yourselves, this'll be a long one" I said. I asked for 5 minutes off as I gathered my thoughts and took a deep breath.

" First and foremost, I'd like to debunk the most popular rumors spreading all around that me, Zachary and Cynthia were involved in a love triangle. We were not, Cynthia never saw me in that way and I never considered Zachary to be my rival on anything and I assume he didn't see me as such too. I'd also like to address one where me and Zachary made a bet, no we did not. The reason I left was because I'm not fit for the quota of that school, I wasn't one that stood along with them. Every student there was brilliant beyond comprehension, it took all of my effort to keep up my status, while others were exerting much less and already stood close to me. To be honest, I felt jealous. That everyone there was so talented and smart, it was annoying to be surrounded by all of them, but at the same time I admired all of them. One in particular. She was the reason I started putting effort, she saw right through me whenever we talked and she's the reason I was able to stay so long. One incident happened and I ended up ruining my own thoughts, after that point I never tried anymore. There was someone else worthy enough for a place beside her, that wasn't me. Everyone knew that. That's all I have to say, I would kindly ask for all to cease spreading any more rumors and let me, and everyone else included in this farce. Let us live in peace, thank you"

After saying the final sentence, I walked out of the studio and drove away. Not knowing my destination, not having any clear thoughts in mind, all that wrapped around me were two thoughts, like always.

Lucky him.

I wanna be like him too.

-end-