Chapter 186: The anger, the pain, the fear

I slowly turned my head to look at who this person was. A man who embodies perfect and unfaltering masculinity. His eyes, as violet as a pink rose stared at me, making me assume the position of a languid love-sick maid. Eventually, his hand glided down my arm, folding over my hand. His fingers laced with mine our palms kissing. I could still feel the fast thud of his heart through the stethoscope and recalled what he just said. The human heart beats approximately 4000 times per hour and each beat is a trophy engraved with the words you are alive.

"I.....I.....I am....I am al....alive....??" I fought through the words and they successfully came spilling out of my mouth.

"YES. You are alive..." He squeezed my hand and I squeezed his back. Where the energy came from I didn't know but I just felt good to know that I was alive. Staying in this room for so long caused me to lose my sanity and I was beginning to think I was dead.

I slowly let go of his hand and approached the window. I stood in front of it and loved just the view outside. I felt as though I had been born again and for a purpose. The flowers were happy, basking in the sun just as the sand was making the entire view million dollar worthy. I stretched my hand out and slid it on the window. Never in my life has a window seemed so very beautiful. I held it on both sides and brought myself closer to it.

"Eleanor???? Eleanor stop that..." The man who was with me called my name. I ignored him and did what I perceived worthy in that moment. As if driven by a supernatural force, I pushed myself even closer to the window.

"Dr....stop her....she might hurt herself....." An anxious voice echoed throughout the entire room and I paid yet a deaf ear.

My face was closer now then ever before, any closer and I could feel the cool glass brush against my skin. Then as I struggled with what I was looking at, I gave a nervous laugh and a smile, as I always do in uncomfortable situations, then this thing, this shape...it smiled back from inside the window. There before me with a horrendous flash of teeth it smiled and smiled. I immediately gasped and jumped off in fright. My entire body got goosebumps and I took a few steps away from the window.

"Eleanor....what's wrong???" He asked worriedly. I looked at him and pointed at the window. To my surprise, his expression was as calm than I expected. He only stared at me and then at the window behind me with no words coming out of his mouth. Unlike him, words didn't come out of my mouth because of fear. I saw something terrifying and I was so scared.

"What is she doing??? Is there something....in the mirror.....??" One of the nurses asked and I got the courage to speak.

"No...not the mirror...the wi----" I paused after I turned back around and saw the reality. I walked back to what I thought was a window and it took me long enough to realise I was merely standing in a mirror, staring at my own reflection.

As if glancing through a fortune teller's crystal ball, everything came running through my mind rendering me insane again.

"I have to die....I killed her. I don't want to go to jail...I killed her....how could I? I killed someone....with my own hands...." I looked at them and started laughing the next minute. I laughed until both of my sides hurt. Then, like a flash, I started crying. The anger, the pain, the fear. All brighter in my eye than the sun making me question my sanity.

'Eleanor what are you blabbering about??'

'I think she's hallucinating ...'

'Stop her! She's going to kill herself....'

'Eleanor!!!!' His voice like thunder stroke and a tight hot stinging sensation brewed on my cheek. I had been slapped.

The memory itself seemed more painful than the reality causing me to cling to my cheek and look around. I hugged myself and sank to the floor, crying over what I didn't know. The darkness around grew and I became blindfolded by it. Too many voices echoed in my head and I didn't know which one was whose.

"Eleanor.....are you alright???" The doctor's kind voice

'Iridessa is fine! She's right here next to me....! Nothing's happened to her and you didn't kill anyone....see???'

'Adam....you have to listen to me ..she-- stay away....----she...you know...ghost.....I killed her....I don't want to go to jail Adam... plea---'

'STOP THIS NONSENSE NOW!!! It's all in your head!!'

'The human heart beats approximately 4000 times per hour and each beat is a trophy engraved with the words YOU ARE STILL ALIVE...'

"Eleanor ...???"

"What's going on with her ..??"

"Fetch the sedative now....!!!!"

"NO. Let me speak to her. Eleanor.....focus on my voice.....you're alive.... remember??? Am here for you. Here with you and you're with me too. We're together....."

"Together??" I asked back desperately. Anguish was the only tangible emotion I could feel. Adam is what I learned for. Every drop of blood in my body was panting after him but....he was somewhere with another woman.

"Yes Eleanor .....we are together...I am with you, you're with me....come to me...." He called.

With the force of a tiger, I jumped off and reached for his hand. He pulled me close and slammed me against himself spreading his arms around me. I cried. I cried out loud like I haven't in a very long time. His hand ran up and down my back soothing me from the pain emanating from all my wounds.

"You're alive Eleanor.....you're alive ..." He chanted again and again and the echoes raided my thoughts.

"I....I miss him....." I cried clinging tightly to him.

"Tell me everything....." He encouraged me and I did.

"I miss him so much I can't bear it anymore....." I cried loudly and clung tightly onto him not wanting to let go.

"I miss his smile....his laugh.....his smell.....his arms around me.....and his kisses. I miss hearing him breathe and seeing his handsome face in the morning. God I miss him. All of him....." I admitted. "I have tried....I have tried to let it go but I can't. I just can't....no matter how much I try am failing to forget him....and it hurts so much..."

"I understand Eleanor....I completely understand you. That's why am here. I'll help get rid of the pain. One of the happiest moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you can't change....I'll make you understand that....."