Chapter 30

It's been quite a while that I've come home. I can't say that I'm particularly excited for visiting my family, but the prospect of meeting my friends makes me smile. Sarah has visited me once or twice since I moved to Holtshire, but it's been long since I've met Kevin. The main reason for coming back in this scorching heat was for my college admissions, on which I've been working on for the past week, and I'm still not sure what subjects I want to graduate in. Since Sarah never graduated, she thinks there is no need for me to graduate as well. "You already have such a good job. Man, I tell you. People like you don't get satisfied easily, do they?" she scoffs at me.

 Mariyam suggests me to pursue Computer Science, since it is a subject that offers more scope for a promotion, or a better job. Dave thinks I should study Literature, because he says I write well, and I like the subject. But it definitely wouldn't help me in the long run. And there is Journalism, which seems promising as well as interesting, but it is mostly a practical subject and I doubt I can learn it through the distance education programmes, since I can't join a full time course with my job.

I sit on the chair with my hand on my chin, my laptop open on the table in front of me, debating between the three when I feel a hand press onto my shoulders and a yelp. Next moment, I realise someone is hugging me from behind. Kaitlyn. Man, I had totally forgotten about her!

"Hey, Azalea. How are you?" she kisses me on the cheek, which makes me feel guilty on so many levels.

"Hey, Kat. I'm good, how are you?" I ask her as she takes a seat on the bed behind me.

"I'm great. I got my final results back. Ninety per cent, isn't it great?" she squeals.

What grade is she again?

"Yeah, wow. Congratulations. I'm so proud of you, si…" I come to a stop, which she doesn't notice.

"Thank you, Az. But I'm so disappointed in you. I thought you loved me, but I haven't heard from you in three years. I know things have been hard on you, but we used to be like sisters," her voice falters.

"I know, it's my fault. I'm really sorry. I was just, too busy, and…" What am I even saying?

"You were too busy to keep touch with me and mother? Are we not worth your time, Azalea?" She is suddenly furious.

"No, I don't mean it like that. I wasn't busy, per se, mostly preoccupied…" I try again.

"Azalea, don't do this," she sighs, and pulls a stool to sit beside me. Her voice isn't angry anymore, which is a relief. Honestly, I can't deal with guilt and shame, two strong emotions at the same time. I'm too tired for this.

"I know what you had to go through. I was there. Sure, I cannot even imagine how losing someone so close to you can be, and you had to go through that all alone. But I know it can break you into pieces that are like, super hard to put together. You didn't have many friends, or anyone to hold on to when Grace died," her words hit me in the chest and I take in a sharp breathe, "but you never let us help. We were there; we wanted to be there for you. But you pushed us away. Mother was so hurt she has hardly talked about you for the last three years. Whenever I asked about you, she would change the subject, and I was too young to understand then. But I know now that she misses you, as much I do, probably a lot more. This is why I'm asking you, Az, please come back to us."

She presses my hand with hers and leave.

I turn my attention to my college application form. Computer Science. I'll study Computer Science, better for my career growth, I tell myself. The cursor hovers over the checkbox and I stare at it for seconds. Minutes. Hours.

I look away when I realize that the laptop is heated- there is a notification of the screen to turn it off. I look outside the window and get a shock as I see darkness approaching in the horizon; Kaitlyn was in my room just now, it was Eleven o'clock in the morning. I look around and see a plate full of food, but I don't remember seeing mother or father in my room. No one called me for lunch even; and now that I see the food, I hear my stomach growl. I wash my hands and have my lunch at, what I realize, six p.m.

It's hot out, but there is a nice breeze blowing from the west. I make myself a cup of lightly sweetened Espresso and sit on the window sill and stare in the distance. If my mind wants to get lost in itself, it would rather be looking away from the computer glare. But it doesn't. I end up thinking a lot about everything: everything I have not thought about yet.

I remember Grace, her caramel face, her dark eyes light up with a genuine laugh. I see the both of us talking side by side, reminiscing about our childhood friends and teachers and the people we hated, me telling her the stories of the books I've read, she, listening with rapt attention. I quickly try to focus my mind on something else, but not before my eyes are filled with tears and I have to take rapid breathes to calm down. I move on to mother, and father, and I still don't know what to feel about them. I talk to them, try to diffuse the cold, make jokes. Father laughs, unlike himself, and so does mother, but all our laughs sound forced.

I try not to think of Sayani. She has betrayed me for all these years, looking out for me from a distant. I remember her checking on me twice every week, calling every day, asking me if I was okay. She even tried getting along with mother; I now realize how humiliating it would have been for her to get insulted day after day by a woman whose profanities knew no bound; especially for a crime she didn't even commit. It is still baffling to me; I don't understand why they had to hide it from mother though. The truth couldn't have hurt anyone, but I guess father and Sayani cared so less about what Mother thought they didn't bother rectifying her misunderstanding. Still, it would have saved me from a lot of pain and ridicule, and I don't think Sayani stopped for a moment to think about that.

I take a deep breathe. I know where I'm coming from: I'm still angry at her betrayal. But am I just like her? Sayani found me on the streets, and she did whatever she can to help me; she didn't even have to. However, I'm betraying my own blood. Sayani might not have told Katherine about our past, but I didn't either. What's worse, I pushed her away, never bothering to know how she was doing. Heck, I don't even know how old she is. I think she is four years younger than me, so that makes her, about… Wait, what's my age? It takes me a moment: I'm almost twenty one years old, so she must be in class eleven. One more year and she would go off to college. She seems so young, though, I'm sure I didn't look so young when I was seventeen. Again, I was way bigger than her.

Twenty-one. I guess I can make the excuse of being really young to know what I am doing. After all, this is the age when people make mistakes, wrong decisions, and hold back on unwritten promises. Sayani was twenty-three when she took both of us in. How can I stay mad at her for doing what she did and then expect Kaitlyn to believe my excuse? I know what is going to happen. Kaitlyn is going to hate me. She might even hate me forever, and never talk to me again. I don't think I can face her after I come clean and tell her that she is my sister. Still I have to try. 

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When I tell Dave of my decision on the video call in the night, he says he is proud of me, and gives me such a broad grin that embracing my past seems utterly easy. Like, why was I even scared of doing this?

"I'm telling you, it's not that hard. She probably wouldn't even be mad, and if she does feel betrayed, she'd come around sooner or later. It would be a lot less wait if you come clean sooner. Communication is the key, talking out things help. And it is really not that hard to face your feelings, is it?" he says.

"Yeah, sure. You think so, don't you?" I ask him.

"Obviously."

"And when are you going to tell Sharon that you are in love with her?"

I have never seen him blush like that before.