The Lone Granger (01.01.2020)

What better way to start our journey than a dream that coincides with the turning year? I fished this entry from a man in his early thirties, alone in his log cabin and filled to the brim with nostalgic fantasies of decades past.

There was a certain lass introduced in the nineties through a series of breakout novels, and though ungifted in anything over her magical traits (prodigious mind included), she was a well-loved deuteragonist to an otherwise average, sloppy lead. Later on, this same goody two shoes witch also graced the silver screen, this time with the reckoning of an uber-attractive do-over, more akin to Witcher/Hexer lore than anything else (Hell Yeahnnefer!). There's no crime in dreaming of such cultured beauty, so long as you limit yourself to the later installments of the series.

Now, to make up for the lack of requisite character development, I elected to include a cast cheat sheet, similar to that of a play's production book. Some of the more vague NPCs might be treated with beefier data, while the famed ones get but a sliver more over their widespread bio. I will try my best not to step on toes and ruin copyright restrictions, but should mishaps persist, then ooopsie—I'm not sorry.

Submitted without the need for approval of lesser beings, this is the Tale of the Lone Granger.

THE CAST:

-Meister Dreamboi-

The unreliable, original narrator of the story—as I'm sure as hell not. He lives in exile deep in the woods of Neverwhere, surviving the elements through a cabin that could have fared better as a tree house. Not much is known of his previous life, though he's a very vocal germophobe and by extension, a health conscious prick. He'd have a claim for being a tree-hugger if he didn't chop them up to serve his ends.

-Lone Granger-

A witch who helped saved the world from a bald, Magical Jackson, who still has a thing for abusing children. She settled down with a ginger weasel—erm wizard post-war but was revealed to be separated within this continuity. Judging from her retained figure, this version probably also took a hard pass on birthing a full litter.

-Latino IT-

Dreamboi's college frenemy and eventual antithesis. Latino IT symbolizes both the merits and downsides of societal conformity, appearing as a man, who, though successful in his career, no longer has allowances for anything else outside family-planning and work. In a way, he is the embodiment of the lead's most abject fears.

-Benok of Barbarois-

A friend of Dreamboi since early childhood, Benok is the ideal to strive for when it comes to staying fit. He is the good-looking chap who could have bigamized his way through it all, but otherwise chose Borderline Buddhism as a way of life. Ironically, his table etiquette is reminiscent of the ways of a cornered berserker.

-The Gooseman (mentioned only)-

Another one of Dreamboi's childhood buddies. Gooseman is the cunning, manipulative stereotype who always triumphs via trickery and deceit. Think of him as Loki with better leadership skills, shorter hair/life expectancy, and a poor taste in women.

THE GISTORY:

It all began when Meister Dreamboi ran away from home. His motivations were unclear, but he was apparently so sick of everything that he left with nothing but the shirt on his back. He wandered around skipping needs like food and hygiene, until he ended up in the bustling avenues of the famed Jade City.

The district was a sight to behold, with witches and wizards not at all warring and friendly even with the creatures that loitered about. There was beauty to be found at every turn, through the copious magical amenities comprising the set design, the sky that sparkled like cut sapphire, the possibility of anything and everything…

And yet nothing compared to this one lady waiting on the side of the road.

Miss Lone Granger had the face of box office success and the figure of a vegan chick addicted to sit-ups. You wouldn't know that she was married once, mostly because you'd want to be the one to pop the question, but she was. She tied the knot with a red-haired wizard who couldn't even curse right, so it was not at all surprising that their so-called 'unbreakable vow' ended up in tatters. Now she doe-eyed Dreamboi with probably sultry memories of their past, and in fairness to the man, he didn't look and smell like someone homeless.

The two greeted each other with a fond, friendly kiss, and then Dreamboi offered his arm to walk her home. They shared some Before Upset moments along the way, talking about life, love, and their interweaving philosophies. When they reached her pad, it was revealed to be less conservative than her contemporaries would approve: filled with modern gadgetry, elevating paintwork, and was nowhere near as ambient as a certain magical faction's HQ.

The foreplay chat happened, alongside more googly eyes and body language, until they stumbled upon a shitty chapter of her currently dating Dreamboi's friend. It could have ended there; he could have been a good sport about it too, if only he wasn't aware that the guy in question was already married—with a kid on the side. This brand of trickery had Gooseman's DNA smothered all over it, and Dreamboi would be damned if he didn't have his way in his own freaking dream. Screw the bro code. In this reality, it's hoes before bros six ways to Sunday.

But alas! Before he could spill the beans, a trio of hags dropped in on them. They appeared out of nowhere, not in flying brooms or winged goats only edge lords could see. There was a decent chance that they were related to Lone, because she let them had their way on her otherwise private space. At the very least, they could have been her landladies who tortured her for rent. Anyhow, they demanded that Dreamboi undergo a mini Tri-weasel challenge or something, all to determine if he was worthy of their tenant/niece's magical charms.

At the hags' behest, Benok of Barbarois entered with a set of training equipment, ranging from a treadmill that ran perpetually, to barbells that no amount of carbs could move. When Dreamboi proved competent enough to use them, they went straight to the third challenge without so much as an intermission, or one of those balls they held in the mainstream series.

This final challenge proved to be more scandalous than the rest, as now it involved the entire Granger clan. It seemed simple enough, however, mayhap even more fun and doable than the ones that came before. All Dreamboi needed to do was complete a zip line course circling through the city premises. Some of Lone's uncles were even kind enough to show him the ropes.

Strapped into the contraption, Dreamboi bid Lone goodbye, and the latter pecked him on the cheek for luck. One of her bulkiest relatives pushed him off and away he went for a trial he never once questioned. Because dreams.

Along the way, Dreamboi began to notice how his turn took longer. Compared to when the uncles did theirs, it took but minutes to complete; now it dragged on for hours. He felt silly as he realized how he was tricked, because Jade City wasn't your average trip to China Town; it was bigger than it poses to be, with some of its avenues not abiding the laws of reality at all. And in the following moments, this obstacle would double down like it held the winning cards all along.

A mad storm visited the always sunny city proper. And though it failed to deliver an evil warlock climax, it still warranted enough threat to get Dreamboi stranded. Dodging homing thunderbolts, dagger winds, and flying stalls, he found refuge in a bar that served adult drinks to children. There he chanced upon his college frenemy, Latino IT, who turned out to be a local celebrity in the area. He didn't own the bar or anything, but he may as well have with the way he treated everyone there. They had a brief talk about life and love too, which was thankfully cut short as it was awkward as heck. In that short time though, Dreamboi caught the sense that man was too busy for anything outside his career and family, which he found sad and admirable at the same time. He was successful, and yet the fruits of his labor were no longer his to enjoy. Somewhat inspired by this, he braved the storm to land his own little victory, determined to spit in the face of life and nature if it came down to it.

With enough perseverance and raging hormones, Dreamboi beat both squall and the seemingly impossible dimensions of the city. He reached the starting point come nightfall, but the thing is, no-one was there to congratulate him. The shadow-infested plaza was now occupied by strangers and their weird marionette lightshow. Lone was gone, mayhap for all of effing eternity.

This is where I come in.

Because while bittersweet endings serve as welcome bookmarks here and then, this foremost entry is bound for a happy ending. Keep the melancholy for the Valentine's season, when the haters could rally behind you like winds to a fail sail.

When the dream led Dreamboi to the outskirts of the city (instead of retracing the steps back to Lone's apartment), he was set to just go back home. It took him an entire day to complete the last trial; by then, Lone may have gotten bored and just Tindered Gooseman back for that taboo date of theirs. He was past the ochre bricked road when he ran into this lovely face he never thought he'd see again.

And though she had forgone the magic in her blood to be with him, their times together became magical nonetheless.

FIN?

THE MORAL:

The most important lesson to be learned from this tale is to never sleep in the middle of nowhere alone. At least bring a pet with you, and for the love of gods, don't pick a cat for this particular situation, as they wouldn't give a rat's ass (pun intended) if you are having a nightmare, or a stroke for that matter. Lucky for Edge Lord Dreamboi over here, I dropped by when I did, otherwise, he would have ended up with a real chick who's probably waaaaaay less attractive.

Until the next one, keep dreaming, buddy.