3 First Kiss

After the mistake I made, I think it causes me to lose my own happiness and something more. Something that I can't even tell or even understand. Maybe it is my fault. I'm in so grave danger. Haha, the danger may not be the right word.

I went to school. Miles was waiting for me.

"Hey, baby." He said eagerly as if I did something wrong or something.

"Hey, babes." I put a simple face, a poker face.

"So had a goodnight's sleep?"

"Yes. I had one."

"Umm, I feel like kissing you."

"Stop it, Miles. Don't you ever try to think about that."

"Why?? You broke my trust and also my heart. You should try to fix that broken heart." He was telling this like I have super glue to fix everything.

"How can I do that? I said I'm sorry."

"Your little sorry won't help you this time."

**winks**

I blushed. But it wasn't gonna happen. Not so fast. And again the same thing. That same Aiden. Not again. I thought he forgave me. But now I know he didn't. He never forgot or forgave me. And I always repented.

Afterward, I went to my classroom. I knew it would happen again, not one time, not twice, but thousands of times. It had to. All my fault. I'm sick of this.

I went out. Searching for Lara, Mia, and Talia. They were talking to him. I didn't have the courage to walk up to him. That's why I decided to walk back to class.

After school, we had extra classes at Mr. Murchinsons. For always we walked there. But Miles walked up to me.

"Umm Samantha, can u come a little bit earlier?"

"Yeah. Why is that so??"

"Nope, I just wanted to spend a little more time with u. But if you have a problem that's okay."

"Nah. It's just fine."

"Okay. Talia will come with you."

"Yeah, sure. Fine."

I never understood why he asked me that but I didn't even care. Our class was at 5 p.m. and we only needed 10 to 15 minutes to reach there. But Talia came to my house at 4. I was dressed that's why it wasn't a problem. We three were walking. Me in the middle and both of them on both sides. I felt like kiddo.

After walking for 5 minutes, we reached a deserted road. Not deserted actually, just there weren't many people there. Miles stopped in one place and called us there. We came and then Miles and Talia were laughing. There was an awkward silence just the sound of laughing.

"Why are you guys laughing like shit?" It got really weird because I didn't know what they were planning or if they were planning anything at all.

"Can't we just laugh?"

"Oh come on Miles. Sam thinks she has the most beautiful laugh."

"Well, she has. But that doesn't cause us for not laughing."

"What on earth you guys are talking about?"

"Well, babe can you close your eyes?"

"Umm. Why is that so?"

"Oh come on Sam. Do nahh!"

"Are you guys planning something for me?"

***nervous laugh***

"Of course not."

"Why would we??"

I was scared, will he kiss me? I don't know, what are they planning? I'm confused. I want to know but then I don't want to.

But the curiosity got the best of me and I did what they told me to. And then someone came near me. I thought it was Miles who it was. He came so close to me that I could even felt his breath. I thought he was going to kiss me. I was scared, for real and maybe it was visible on my face so he took himself away. I opened my eyes and I saw him standing in front of me.

"What was this?" It came as a whisper rather than asking something, my throat sent dry.

"Nothing, my love."

"He was going to kiss you, Sam."

"What??" I was really shocked and I pushed myself to ask them, why, what was that.

"Nothing I swear."

And I turned back and looked at my watch. We had only 15 minutes until the class starts. So I pulled Talia's hand and gave her a look to go. Then I tried to escape, or should I say run as fast I can, but he grabbed my wrist and I turned around to ask why is he stopping us? He kissed me, I was stunned for a moment. It took me a second to find myself but then I was gonna say something. Something that would make him angry and myself? Satisfied. But I was fighting with the feelings inside. What was that feeling inside of me? Guilt? Happiness? But it felt weird, I could feel it.

He kissed me on my lips, well not a french kiss but still, he did. It happened in a moment. He came close to me and kissed my lips. I didn't want it. He saw me standing there, saying nothing. He shook me by my shoulder and asked me,

"Sam, you okay?"

I was dazing out sorting my feelings but hearing him talk made me come back to my senses, "Huh? Yeah I'm okay"

"You look terrible."

I was still dazed not knowing what to do, "Yeah, yeah I'm good. Hey Talia! Let's go, we're getting late."

Talia heard me and looked back, "Yeah yeah let's go."

Miles was disappointed? I don't know, I saw him standing there, he waved me bye and mouthed, "Bye."

I nodded, I didn't say anything because I didn't want to. We ran off.

I came to my house straight after the class finished. I couldn't think of anything else. It was coming in my mind, over and over again. No matter how hard I tried. I tried not to think about it, it just comes in my mind. I shouldn't be attracted to him that much, we are just playing, right? right!

He texted me at night and I didn't want to text him but I couldn't say anything to his text.

Miles: So I really liked kissing your lips.

Me: You said you won't do anything like that.

Miles: I'm sorry but I couldn't control myself.

Me: You should've. You said you won't.

I got really pissed and I threw my phone away. But it buzzed again.

Miles: Yeah? Then who betrayed me first? It was you. You did that though you were in a relationship with me. So I did what I liked.

I wanted to cry, everything comes back to Aiden, I know I shouldn't have but it just happened. Nothing could change it right now.

Me: I'm sorry. How many times do I need to tell you?

Miles: A sorry won't heal any pain.

He's in pain? I thought to myself is he really telling the truth? I don't know anything anymore.

Me: I know it won't but what more can I do?

Miles: Well, there is away.

Me: Okay, then what is it?

Miles: You have to kiss me, on my lips. A very deep kiss.

I was shocked for a moment, what kind of way is it to fix someone's heart or make them feel better? Am I missing something here?

Miles: You have to do that. Or else I'll stay mad at you.

Me: Please babe. Why are u acting like this?

Miles: I am?? I am acting like what? You started it.

I started what? What can I do to make you feel better? I don't know, I don't know what to do, what to feel, it's a mess.

Me: What did I start Miles?

I got really angry I know I shouldn't have because it's my fault, it's my fault. But we weren't serious and in a moment he really loved me? Is it some kind of joke? I was starting to tear up a bit by bit.

Miles: You tried to cheat on me! Do I need to remind you that every time?

Me: Okay I said sorry right?! I'm sorry I'll do anything you say, fine?!

He didn't reply and I also realized, it's my fault. It's my fault, everything is.

I thought about what I just said to him. I should have never said that. It's all my fault. But there gotta be another way to mend his heart. And I'm sorry. I'm repenting.

But who understands that I'm sorry? It's all my fault and they'll blame me. I'm literally sorry. But to whom? Myself?? Yes, cause I've hurt myself like shit. To him? Yes, cause I've hurt him like shit. And to anyone else? Yes, my parents. Because if they know what I've done they're gonna be so pissed off and heartbroken. I know it's all my fault. And it is. But I'm repenting and I'll repent my whole lifetime. Isn't it enough for them? Maybe it's not. I thought of again doing the same thing, hurting me. That really relieves me from my pain. Sometimes I think of drinking, smoking. But I can't do it. They will not give me permission or well drinks because I'm not still 19.

I look at my left hand. The scars were still there. I thought of not doing so. Do it, or they'll hurt you more. That's what my mind told me. I forgot where I had put the broken glass piece. I knew that I wrapped them in a tissue. Well, I didn't have one piece though, I had many pieces of that broken glass. So I just began to search it in my bag, drawers, under the bed. But then I found it beside the window. I took it then I turned off the lights of my room. I had to do it in silence. I shut my door because if I don't then my gasps will reach my parent's room maybe or maybe not. But I still closed the door. I placed the glass piece and I don't know where I placed it. I swiped the piece down, I felt a slight tingle. I could feel the blood dripping from my hand. Fortunately, it was winter and I was wearing a sweatshirt. And again, fortunately, I was wearing a black sweatshirt. So I didn't need any tissue to stop the bleeding. Well, bleeding was not that much. Just a few drops of blood. So it stopped in a minute or two. I never had the courage to slit my wrist. So the scars were around my elbow not around my wrists. But it hurt, it hurt like hell.

After that, I was thinking about how my life was and how it is now. So many changes in such a short span of time. Is it a good change? Hell no, it's not good in any way. I'm depressed or is it normal? I kept thinking and then, then I fell asleep.

And it's Sunday. We had extras so we met. It wasn't planned but he said he would come and I didn't know what to think. Talia didn't come though, it was only him. I asked him where she is but he didn't answer me. We kept walking around because we had 30 minutes left for our class. Then he took me into a construction building. I was confused so I asked him, "Where are we going?"

"Just see." He reassured me, but it didn't feel reassuring.

We kept on walking until we came under the building, ah it looked like where people will murder someone or murder and **** someone or **** and murder someone.

I felt really really awkward, it wasn't good, I was scared, "Miles really where are we going?"

"Wait for a second babe. Let's go to the third floor."

I kept following him. But that weird feeling never went. Then we came to a room. There was no window. So the room was quite dark. Then suddenly he pulled me closer to him. I felt a little awkward. I thought to myself I should get away or push him away. But I couldn't. His grip was so strong. I stayed there. Whispering something into his ears, "Don't do it."

"You were going to fix my broken heart." He is a real evil, I hated every moment of this.

I stood there doing nothing. He then ran his fingers in my hair. He pulled me closer that I could feel his breath. His warm breath was touching my face. Then he kissed me. He kissed me with his tongue inside my mouth, his saliva getting in. I was crying inside, he could do anything to me but I couldn't do anything I didn't want to kiss him back but he went on. It was painful he knew, he knew it but he didn't stop. After some moments he stopped kissing me. He then got away and kissed me on my cheek. It felt horrible, I could vomit.

He looked at my face and said, "It was really good you know."

I tried not to show any disgust in my face and asked, "Was it really? I guess so yeah."

I never knew how this I guess so will impact my life. And I was questioning myself was it really good to do it like this? I could feel my heart tremble, it didn't feel good. It didn't I shouted inside.

I looked at my watch trying to push all my thoughts aside. It's nearly 5 pm. I should really start going and get the hell out of this place. "I should get going."

He looked at me, smiling, "Yeah yeah. I'm gonna stay here I've got work you go on ahead."

I ran ahead without noticing anything, literally anything.

But did I know what will happen next? No, I never. Well if I did I would never have my first kiss. Never, ever in my whole life.