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I felt like I was gonna die. I wished I would just die. But I didn't, unfortunately I am still alive.

My mom was calling me. I opened my eyes and felt myself in a weird position like I was sitting and boom I fell down.

"What happened? I should take you to the doctor's." Oh hell no. The doctor might find out what I did. But right now I cannot say anything.

I just nodded. Because I thought if I protest right now she'd think something is wrong.

Ma gave something to eat but I couldn't. I could literally feel my insides twisting and feeling nauseous even tho I haven't eaten anything.

I couldn't even drink water. I was feeling the worse. Literally the worse.

"If you cannot have anything then go get ready. I'm ready so I'll take you to the doctor's right now." As soon as I heard that I was feeling scared.

But then I thought, nothing serious might have happened. So I got ready and when to the doctor's.

We were sitting there for like 30 minutes until our turn came. The doctor asked me what happened. I told him I could feel my insides twist.

He checked my blood pressure and heart rate. My blood pressure was damn low. It was around 100/60. I thought woah, I never read that overdosing might cause low blood pressure.

He then gave me some medicines and told me to wait outside. I could feel my heart drop.

"I have something important to talk to your mother." What the hell, why not say it in front of me?

I politely went out but I was standing there and tapping my feet. I was scared. Did he find out? Was my heart rate irregular?

Mom came out after some minutes and bought the medicines. We went back home. She didn't tell me anything about what the doctor said.

I was scared, I was so scared that I couldn't even ask her. She was quiet the whole time.

I took the meds and had lunch. Yeah, something was definitely wrong. It's too much silence.

I didn't care. I came to my room and laid down. Why didn't I die. That was my first thought. If I could've died, nobody had to face all this. It's too much.

Why is dying so hard? What more do I need to do?

I took my phone and saw a text. It was from Ray. Was he worried about me?

Ray: Did you do something yesterday? I don't know, you told me about self harming today. Did you do something?

Yeah. I guess it wasn't a good idea to tell him about everything.

Me: Yeah, I guess so.

He didn't reply. Then I realized the text was from two hours ago.

I put my phone on my side. I thought about listening to music.

My music taste drastically changed when I got in a relationship with Miles. Yeah, all the songs were sad.

I was listening to my sad sad playlist and my phone buzzed up.

Ray: I knew it. I wouldn't ask why because when I'm sad or angry I punch at walls. Well it's also kinda scary.

I laughed at his text. So we'll everyone has some way of releasing their stress. Mines, umm just a bit crazy. Like me.

Me: Really? Why are you interested in martial arts though? I've never asked you.

Ray: Anime dude! I am watching anime since I was a kid.

I laughed. He gets really happy when talking about anime.

Me: I've watched anime when I was a kid. In a TV channel I guess.

Ray: Yeah, that's my start. But then it's so addicting.

I laughed, how he's just all cheerful and happy.

Me: Umhm.

Ray: Oh shit, you went to the doctor's right? Or you didn't?

Me: Yeah, yeah I did.

Ray: You should sleep. Bye. And don't worry about home works. The teachers will understand.

I smiled.

Me: Yeah, maybe. Bye.

It's been a while since someone made me feel relaxed through texting.

I was feeling drowsy. I don't know if it was because of the meds or I was just sleepy. I went to Dreamland, really quickly.

I woke up in the middle of the night. Sara was sleeping beside me. I looked at the time, it was 2 am.

I went out and grabbed a glass of water. Everyone was asleep. I wasn't afraid of the dark much.

I sometimes hoped some thief would come around my house and I'd watch him and he'd just stab me dead. Weird. I know. But I just hoped somehow I'd die.

I checked my phone for any new texts. Well there wasn't any because I don't have anyone else besides Ray.

I unknowingly started reading our texts. Miles and mine.

The last texts were stupid, very stupid.

Miles: I'm sorry Sam, please come back. I'll not do this.

And I didn't reply to anything. What was the point of replying?

I always had the worst choice when I fall for someone. I mean you can't choose when you'll fall for someone or how. You just, fall in love.

But that love hurts so much. I knew I needed to breakup with him earlier. I couldn't. I was stupid. I guess I'll always be stupid.

My eyes started tearing up. Yeah it hurts now thinking about the things it could've been. If, he was a better person maybe.

Yeah, yeah first love hurts.

I started crying. I shouldn't cry, about this. I should be happy that I'm not with someone like him. But a part of me wished everything was good.

It was getting hard to breathe. I laid down. I was hugging the pillow beside me to my chest. I buried my face in the pillow. I shouldn't cry, I shouldn't.

I fell asleep, crying and thinking I shouldn't cry.