2020

December 31, 2019

Fuck. It's just that tonight, I just felt that my high school life in my science school is really ending in just 3 months. I'm happy but sad at the same time, because I won't get to see the usual people that helped me through my darkest times.

I just studied in that school for only 2 years, and I didn't get to be close to the other people who I find to be interesting. Fuck. Why do I suck at socializing? Why do I freeze when I speak to people? I can't do this anymore. It's my ego that's destroying my life.

Throughout my 18 years of existence, I always had my ego to be pessimistic, leading me to play safe in all things. To beat my fucking ego is my goal to upcoming decade. This pessimistic whore is always trying to make me think negative things all throughout my course of life. My ego always gave me fucking insecurities which I don't deserve.

I hate my life. As far as I'm typing this chapter, I began to realize how introvert I have been in front of the students of my school. I didn't even show my funny and confident side. I can't even approach them and ask questions that have been stuck in my head. Shit, shit, shit. What a mess I've done this 2019.

It's hard to leave a solid impression in front of many people in my last year, because there's only 3 months left. I didn't even had time to myself to confess to my crushes. I didn't even manage to spoke to some of my crushes through my 2 years time frame in this school. Fuck. Why are these running in my head all over again? Why am I procrastinating my brain cells in this last day of 2019? What have I done in this decade.

Shit, hopefully this book will have its deserved recognition in the future. This book is the only optimistic thing that my ego has done for me. Not to brag, but I sometimes look up to myself when I became popular in the future. I always imagine what I look like in front of many magazines like Time, Forbes, etc. I wonder how it feels like to be interviewed by various talk show personalities like Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, and James Corden. I wonder how does it feel to be in the podcast of Joe Rogan talking inspirational shit about my success, or maybe, I'll be in Ted Talks. Ahhhh, why is it so cool to be famous and highly honored person.

I'm a big dreamer and I always think to myself on ways of achieving success. I really have to work hard into it. Everytime I check out YouTube, I always find it curious on how YouTubers became famous and popular. I often watch their old videos and see how they sparked into success. I saw one YouTuber that has only one popular video, but it led into a domino of success.

Everyday, I always say to myself to never give up and pursue my passion. Writing this book is an example. Even though I'm sleepy as fuck now, I still force myself to pursue and finish this chapter with a good last paragraph. To be honest, my last chapter was terrible. That "just kidding" thing is just a random thing that pops out in my brain. 

I can't believe we are a few hours away from 2020. To be honest, I see this decade as a year of growing as a full human. Of course, for a 17 year old boy like me, this kind of growing comes in physically also, but the mental and emotional part really hit me hard. Man, I'm so glad I got to undergo on the additional 2 years in my Filipino curriculum (K-12), because it lead me to meet people that thought me great life lessons. I even acknowledge the people who I made a little conflict with, because they're the real ones that slap me to reality. They taught me how to be a human without hurting other people's feelings.

Man, I lowkey love this world. This makes me truly believe that there's a Creator in this universe that controls our way of things in life. It's perfect. Sometimes I get downs, but sooner, I came to realize that "Wow, thank you Lord for giving me this shit. It created a character development within myself."

As 2020 fast approaches to our door, I just want to acknowledge all the things that happen this 2019. Man, it's been a tough year for me, especially to the person I talked about last chapter. Let's just call her Jennifer (not her real name). Jennifer gave me joy that was missing in these past few years of my existence, but she also gave me despair that I never felt in my junior high school life. In fact, she became one of the reasons that inspires me to write this book. She's the woman that made me realize to pursue my passion more. Sadly, she's also the one that broke my heart.

Nevermind, let's move on. I don't wanna talk shit about her, because I don't want to make her look "antagonizing" in this book, because that's not what she used to be. Maybe, we only had a few misunderstandings that even I didn't manage to realize it. Past is past, and we should not linger to it. I'll just open up about her soon if I'm in the mood of writing into it. Right now, I just wanna enjoy my last 2019 with my 2% phone together with my chill bed.

I'm glad that this decade will end smoothly. Thank you for giving me friends that I didn't expect to be a big blessing for me. Thank you for the pain and mistakes that happened to me, hopefully it won't happen to me in the next decade. I never expected to have this rollercoaster decade (right now, I mean it literally).

What's up 2020? Bring. It. On.