1 Dreadful Laughter part I [James]

tell me, is hell less painful than life? No, I am not trying to pretend that I am a victim, nor that life is absolutely awful.

I can give you a whole reason to why I am here. and why I hate my life. my tale is mine, and your tale is yours.

do you want to know the tale? I see you are a curious man.

tell me what is the worst thing that has happen to you? why so quiet? I am not trying to compare your life with mine. we all have different demons. we all have a different struggle.

what about me? well since you asked.... I have no option, but to tell you. I am your regular salesman. I don't make big money. but it is enough to pay the bills.

let me start from a certain point so my story can make sense to you. since a really young age I was ambitious. I had an ideal of what my life should become. I worked hard, so hard to achieve that. one day I gave up on dreaming.

i know that sounds pointless, I became a bit of a conformist. one day I found myself dreaming again in front of the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen, yes. as stupid as it may sound it was love at first sight.

I was there dreaming. I was there running up and down. until one day the lady of my dreams accepted my heart. eventually she became my wife. we had a son. it was the perfect love tale until that moment.

I had won a whole battle. what follow are nights of passion, days of romance. there was never an issue in our relationship. we are just another typical family.

you may believe that I am trying to sell the perfect lie. some bullshit about eternal never ending happiness. you may think that I am into fairy tales with a happy ever after. but this is no tale, and an ever after never sounded as depressing.

my lover. my one and only love. I truly loved her. I believed our romance was suppose to be eternal like those tales. I never touch another woman. I never saw anyone else by my side on my mind. I had eyes for her and no one else. she was my all.

one day I came back home earlier than usual.... that day I saw her body, her naked on all her plenitude sharing her intimacy with another man.

if God himself had told me, "you wife is fucking another man." I had changed religion, or I would had called him a fake prophet. I would had fought endless wars against Gods and Destiny itself just to protect my wife's dignity.

well like some say, "it takes a blade to the eye, for the blind to see what was in front of him the whole time." sometimes sayings need to feel almost literal to make sense.

I saw strange things from the beginning, but I was in denial.

things that didn't seem right. my lover, my Samantha wasn't herself. at night she was cold to me. she rejected my touch at night. there was less passion in our romance. sex became a privilege on my own home.

there was something different on her eyes. I could swear before there use to be a sparkle on her eyes, that slowly turned into a gray shadow. she was no longer sweet. she was more, and more dry with her words towards me.

she started to compare me on bed, or on social skills. something that never happened before on our relationship. she started pointless fights out of nowhere. every time that I tried talking to her, it was another fight. or she looked the other way ignoring me.

she started to smile on a mocking way. there was perfume of another on her skin. the house started to smell like cigars when none of us is a smoker. I found male products that don't belong to me on the house. shoes, t-shirts, etc.

I didn't wanted to believe that my sweet wife was with another man, nor that she changed for him.

back to that night. I felt a strange pain on my chest. I felt something breaking into pieces from inside. I wanted to throw up. that is how disgusted I felt.

how can they do it in our kitchen? how can they do it in our bed? why is she making those damn noises? why does she look so satisfied? why? WHY?

on that moment I remembered a movie I watched once. two people who are unfaithful to their romantic partners. when I saw the movie I told my self, "If that ever happen I killed them both."

my wife heard me then. she look at me and said, "will you do that for me? are you capable of killing another man for me? are you?" she left when I didn't gave her the answer she wanted to hear.

now I take back my words.

I couldn't do shit. all I did was to watch and cry. I cried until my eyes dried with no more tears to lose. they never notice me in there. was I too quiet? or were them too busy to even notice the third person on the room?

What? Rage? yes, I felt it. did I wished for vengeance? of course I did. but what am I suppose to do when I loved her so much.

you can't picture just how much it hurt me. but I was such a coward that instead of confronting them, or thinking about my revenge. all I could think about was, 'what if she leaves me.' or 'what if she tells me that I no longer mean anything to her.' or a 'what if she blames me for loving too much, or not loving enough.' then I stopped thinking.

you can call me a coward or whatever, but they never teach you on school what to do when something like this happens to you. there is no class to learn from. all I could do was to become a phantom with nothing to lose, nor to gain.

watching her on the hands of another man hurts so much, that I took a pen from my pockets and I stabbed my own leg. I didn't felt any pain. I bleed, but my leg didn't hurt at all even when I kept stabbing the same point. but my heart couldn't stop hurting.

I told myself that what I saw has to be a game. I told myself that once her lust ends she could see clearly how beautiful and real is our romance. yes, neither I believed on my own words.

I needed to lie to my own self to not go insane. I was barely holding my sanity, or my will to live on the line. I was a step closer to end my life than anything else.

once they were done he left. I waited for some time until I felt ready to get inside. I wanted to look natural. I tried to kiss her but she pushed me away. I tried to touch her, but she slapped me.

I tried asking for sex, but she called me a worthless animal. I tried to take her clothes off on a moment of rage, but she look at me coldly as she whispered, "rapist."

that single word broke me. I started to cry. I couldn't hide any longer how broken I felt.

I told her that I just wanted to feel her skin. she called me a worthless coward. I told her that I love her. she laughed at my face. she told me that I was a waste of her time.

I asked if she ever loved me. there was no answer. that night I slept feeling emotionally dead and destroyed. I told myself to leave her. I told myself to kicked her out of my house or to slap her and to called a whore.

but I wasn't man enough to even tell her, 'I know what you are doing.'

the next day I went to work. I was nowhere all the time. I can't tell you what happened next as I don't remember myself.

all I can tell you is that by night I was there. she was with him. they were fucking like fucking animals forgetting that the house has an owner. forgetting that there is a kid at home.

I was holding a kitchen knife. I only looked at them with the fantasy of killed them both and then killing myself. I had the desire, but I needed the push. the only thing that stopped me was my child appearing on my mind.

with time it became a well known thing on the neighborhood that she was a whore. and that I was the pathetic imbecile holding the huge horns on top of his head. I was a pathetic looking thing to feel sorry for.

I had no one to confess about my sour and bitter life. there was no one to hold. to tell me that everything was going to get better tomorrow. I was all by my self on a world that humiliated me and laughed at my face.

I tried to be creative. I tried to be romantic. I tried to fix our relationship. he was suppose to be an accident. and I was meant to be her eternal love. but I was just delusional.

I never told her that I knew. to be honest she didn't care. they became even more shameless with time. I was been murdered from inside after every breathe.

if I ever have the misfortune of meeting the devil. even to him Hell will be paradise in comparison to my actual life.

one of those days I waited until he was gone. I walked towards my wife. I tried to kiss her sweet lips. I told her that I knew and I could forgive.

I asked her about a journey, I wanted to go with her. to leave the city, maybe go to another country far away from here. it had a romantic sound.

that was my worse mistake then. she slapped me. she called me a dick-less coward. she yield at me, "someone else is fucking your WIFE. and that is the best you can do?" those aren't the words she was hoping to hear from me.

I yield harder. I screamed with all my might. I told her that I didn't know what to do. 'there is no gentleman guide book for when some bandit fucks the love of your life.' that was my simple answer.

I cried on her feet. I asked if she was leaving. I beg for her love. then I started to cry and scream louder inviting her to take her things and to leave. I was done. I had finally given up on my happiness.

"yes, I am selfish for loving you. yes, for wishing to hold you with my own hands. yes, I am selfish for not facing you before, for the fear of losing you."

I was breathless as I was getting ready for my defeat. I was so tired. I was so tired of crying and of those twisted emotions.

she looked at me coldly, "lick it. lick the sperms from my pussy. do it now if you want me to allow you to sleep on my bed." she told me with a cold tone of voice.

that was the moment I gave up to my humanity and soul.

I did as she told me to do. I sucked her pussy. I swallowed my pride and the fluids of another man that night. I cried while sucking. I felt rage and madness like I had never before felt on my life.

I slept next to her. I tried to hug her. for the first time she allowed it without saying anything about it.

"did you ever loved me?"

there was a second of silence before I understood those warm words are directed towards me.

"yes, I love you darling. from the beginning it was for love. is our relationship ever going to get better? are we save now?"

then I asked out of curiosity hoping for that to be the end to my misery. but I am now here on a bar telling my tale. so it is clear that it didn't end well.

she confessed that she didn't wanted to leave. not for love, but because she doesn't want to take our son. she also knows that if we go to court there is enough evidence for her to end without a single dollar from me.

there was more for her to lose, than for her to win.

I cried silently. how could I be so stupid? to think that there was a maybe for us. why do I hate so much that it hurts? why did I even fell in love for her? I cursed my destiny.

that night she whispered on my ear, "I allow you to take the crumbs." she told me.

she said it as if I was the villain. she said it as if I was the one who did wrong. she said it as if he was the husband and I was the lover. since when the roles changed?

why do I have to fall so low to even crawl dragging my dignity? dragging on the dirt all self respect, or respect to my ancestors. I had fell deep on an abyss with no salvation.

"why is love so cruel?" I asked my self.

my wife turned to see my face. she kissed me on the forehead. she confessed that she loves the pain on my face. she told me that the greatest pleasure is the sound of my silent weeping. she is a sadistic devil.

now you know why I am here on a bar. why I came to drink my sorrows. to drown my soul on the pleasures of liquor. I prefer to become an alcoholic and to depend of the sweet bitter taste of liquor, than to live a second more confronting my sorrows.

there is more to the story.

for now what I told you is enough. later will come the time for me to tell you the rest of that bitter tale. the tale of James White, the coward who is now here. there you have it, the name of the coward. and the beginning of his tragic tale.

now if you all excuse me. I had drank enough. I am leaving to my chambers. and let's hope that Samantha, the name of that snake can be erase from my lips by tomorrow.