47 -All the happiness that used to be-
---
Through the pendant I gave him, I checked up on Keyhole's day. I didn't even consider my constant spying to be weird anymore, it's just how I function. I like seeing what people are up to. Plus, I had to make sure Keyhole was doing ok after that traumatic night he'd had.
I watched in bemusement as Keyhole had to extract himself from a circle of girls all asking him about me. Everyone at school was under the impression that Keyhole was secretly some sort of badass since THE Bill Cipher gave him a personal invitation to join his gang. The other kids have been giving him looks of awe all day.
Even Orb and his gang were treating him with more respect. Keyhole tried his best to avoid them though. He easily let himself be swept away by other kids on the way to class just so he didn't have to talk to them.
Small miracles that my fans as Bill (which was still weird to think about but hey, chicks dig psychopaths apparently) weren't as rabid as my fans as Jan...speaking of, I haven't had a concert for a while. Hosting one to feed on my fan's emotions would be nice. I admit I was developing a taste for it.
The teachers at the school were wary of him now. Somewhat afraid that he would summon me to smite them if they upset him. I felt kind of bad that I accidentally ruined his social life. I reached out and place a perception filter around Keyhole so that they would leave him alone. The Lockin looks around in surprise as the crowds around him began to disperse.
-You okay kid? Sorry. Didn't think they would swarm you like that.-
He jumps at my voice. "M-mister Cipher?"
-Just call me Bill. Mister makes me feel old.- the fact that I was ancient was irrelevant.
"Where are you?" He looks around.
-I'm speaking to you through the necklace. How are you? You looked a little jumpy.-
"Oh...too many people...crowding me..."
-Yeah, again, sorry. Are you still up for hanging out after school?-
"I guess so...sorry but this is still kind of...strange to think about."
-I get it. No problem. Frankly I should have asked those cops to stop filming. Didn't think those videos would go viral.-
"So...why's everyone suddenly ignoring me?" Keyhole looks at them curiously.
-Perception filter. Thought it might help.-
"...thanks..." Keyhole smiles shyly as he settles into his desk more comfortably. I take this time to look around the classroom. Ugh. School. Bad memories.
-...Do you want to chat? Get to know each other?-
"Oh. Ah...ok?"
-How much do you know about me?- I was meditating in the garden. Floating serenely above the pond as Xanthar rolled around in the grass. After my breakdown last night everyone told me to just relax for today. Hectorgon made breakfast and Ammy was going to attempt lunch later.
"Not much really. The Federation says you're a dangerous elder god. The Federation says a lot of things are dangerous though so it's not like it means anything. Meeting you was kinda like...meeting some guy you see on the news a lot but know nothing about..."
I frowned. -I'm actually disappointed that my reputation isn't more impressive in this part of the galaxy. There are some places where people fear to even speak my name.- being feared sucked but it also gave me a thrill. An odd sense of pride in knowing that I had power over them.
"You never attacked this planet before so despite seeing the destruction you cause on the news, it just never felt relevant to us." Keyhole pauses. "You're not gonna attack my planet right?"
-Not without good reason.-
"...I'm afraid to ask what a reason would be..."
-I broke a hotel. That was pretty minor for me.-
"That was YOU?! I mean, of course it was you..." Keyhole whimpers. "It was terrifying. Why?!"
-I was bored. Also, I'm sorry for that. Didn't think the floor would cave in.-
"...it was really scary but the way Lolph was screaming was actually funny." Keyhole admits. He chuckled as I giggled. -It was supposed to be funny. How was I supposed to know the structural integrity of that room was so weak?-
"At least now I know it wasn't a punishment from the Key gods..."
-Well I'm a god so does that count?-
"I guess so." Keyhole laughs.
-Would you be ok if I adopted you?- I ask suddenly. Keyhole holds up the necklace to stare at it, at me, incredulously. "What?" He flushes brown. "Where is this coming from?"
-Legally speaking, you're in your uncle's custody. From what I can see, you're not receiving the attention you need from him. He's busy at work and you get left alone for most of the day. You haven't had a proper meal for months.-
"Um..." Keyhole blushes darker. "Lots of kids don't have the best living conditions..."
-I know.- I've seen people in terrible circumstances. Some of them summon me for help, some I offer my help. Of course it's always a Deal. I always have to receive something in return. I CAN help someone pro bono but too much charity and goodwill makes me physically ill. I get an awful headache until I destroy something or do something else that could be considered inconvenient to others.
Luckily, being nice to my friends doesn't cause me the same issue. I was just doing my side of our Deal after all. It was hard to twist my Deals into positive things. My powers naturally want to make even the most innocent desire a lot darker. This was fine when my summoner was an asshole who deserved whatever was coming but there was one time I got summoned by a soldier on a battlefield who wished to make it home to his family alive.
My powers caused the next wave of attacks to cripple him to the point of being sent home. He lost a leg. But he DID get home alive. I'm not sure if the trade off was appropriate. I felt kind of bad about it but it was the least damaging method I could come up with.
-If I see something in front of me, I can't leave it alone. Most of my Friends live with me. They all have their own reasons for it. If you want to stay with your uncle that's fine but my place has home cooked meals, you'll get your own room, we have a pretty large collection of video games, there's a teleporter right beside the front door and you're free to come and go whenever you want.- I list off.
-I mean, I DO have a few ground rules but I feel like they're just common courtesy. Clean up your own mess, ask me before you bring any guests over, no drugs beside medicine and Alcohol and...-
"Wait! I'm allowed to drink at your place? Even if I'm underage?" He cuts me off, sitting up eagerly.
-Hell yes you are! I'm not gonna deny the joys of ethanol to anyone who wants to try. You're just not allowed to over drink yourself to the point of self harm.- I clarify. Also, I secretly dilute the booze both for their sake and mine. Kryptos might be a teenager but he'll be a legal adult in a couple years (I'm not going to get into the aging process of his species right now). He's been keeping up with his studies despite being out of school since he was sold to the mob. He thought I wouldn't notice those textbooks but I did.
Either way, Keyhole sounded quite thrilled at the prospect of being allowed to drink at my place. Should I be worried about that?
-Please tell me drunken debauchery isn't the only reason you're considering my offer- I deadpanned. Keyhole had the decency to blush and apologize. "That's not it. I just...always wanted to try it. Just to see what it's like." Keyhole explained.
-What's wrong with waiting?- Of course, the 'legal' drinking age was a rule put in place by the Federation, planets not under their control didn't have such laws. So since the Death Star is not associated with the law there isn't any restrictions at my place. I didn't care about the law either way, I just don't want people to drink irresponsibly. I don't even drink all that much, I'm just a light weight.
"Waiting is hard. All the other kids are doing it..." Keyhole mumbles.
-If you just want to drink because you think it's cool then I might actually have to stop you.-
"What? Why?!"
-Alcohol is a drug. Like all other drugs you need to take it responsibly or you'll just hurt yourself. Wow I feel like a hypocrite saying that but regardless, you need a reason for using drugs. Do you drink because you like the taste? That's fine. Do you drink because you enjoy the buzz it gives you? That's fine. Do you drink because other people do it and you think you HAVE to copy them? That's NOT fine. You get me?-
"I...guess so..." Keyhole kicks his feet back and forth on his chair. "So you're saying that if I do something, it has to be because I have a personal reason and not just because someone else told me to?"
-Exactly. There are enough people telling us to do stuff. People who exert their power over what you're allowed to do or say. People who want to take away our ability to choose.-
"And what if I choose to drink because I want to fit in and be cool?" Keyhole curls into himself radiating loneliness.
-If that's your choice then I won't try to stop you. Just know that my friendly advice is to be careful. Don't binge drink, I've seen people get hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. Basically don't hurt yourself.-
I never understood why people do that. Are they suicidal? Are they stupid? Are they depressed? I drink for the taste and usually only have a glass or two. I cannot understand people who continue drinking until their organs shut down and we're forced to call an ambulance so they don't die. It happened during collage when one of my roommates had a drinking party. Aside from one girl being carted off for poisoning, one of my roommates almost got raped by a drunk boy at her party because he refused to stop even when she said "No". My other roommate pulled him off her and kicked him out of the room. It was distressing and awful and I cannot understand why people do it.
Why do teens go out of their way to over consume to the point of self harm? Hell, why does ANYONE drink until they hurt themselves? I know I can chug a bottle sometimes but I've only started doing that as Bill (because I know my biology will recover from any damage I could possibly sustain). Do they drink to forget? Are they drinking just to have something to do because their lives were empty and devoid of meaning? Those were the only things I could think of. I can't stand the bitterness of alcohol. I can't drink unless it's sweet in some way. Fruity martinis, chocolate liquors...they're expensive. They're treats. I drink to treat myself.
I have tried to drink to forget before. I was at a low point in this life. The pain from Will's death had still been fresh. My training with Ax was hard and tedious. I wanted to know if my biology could even allow for drunken memory loss. It did.
But it didn't last.
I could get drunk and forget a few hours of my existence but it never got rid of the pain and memories that drove me to do so to begin with. So I stopped. I stopped drinking during the low points in my life and used it as a way to enhance my life instead. If something good happens, I drink to celebrate. I chose to use alcohol as a gift. A prize for the good in my life instead of a crutch to escape from the bad. It was just a small choice. Just a different way of looking at life. But it helped.
It helped me get through the tougher parts of my existence. When eternity spread out before me and I felt lost and alone and oh so very depressed, I would tell myself 'Go do something productive, go do something fun. And when you feel better, eat, drink and be merry.'
I don't know if my friends have picked up on this aspect of myself. I do not NEED to eat. I do not NEED to drink. I choose to do so because I enjoy it. It makes me happy.
Keyhole was considering my words. "So you're just worried about my well being? That's the reason you tell me not to drink? Not because it's the law or because you think I'm stupid for wanting to do it?"
-It's not stupid to want to try something new unless you know for a fact it'll hurt yourself and the people around you. Drinking by itself isn't a stupid thing. Binge drinking is. Unless your desire is to drink yourself into a coma, I have no problem letting you do what you want.-
Keyhole looks up at the ceiling and gives a small smile. "It makes so much sense when you put it that way. The teachers all tell us that drugs are bad and we're bad kids if we try to do it but they don't really say why aside from 'It's the law'."
-To be fair, most kids don't know their own limits and seem to think that drinking their lives away is the only way to consume booze. Now THOSE people are stupid.- I scoff. Keyhole laughs. "You sound like mom." He didn't even look sad to be reminded of such a thing. "Are all demonic criminals on the government blacklist secretly cool guys with good advice?"
-Well I can't speak for everyone and I know Gu'lthl is actually a horrifying monstrosity who only consumes orphans but I'll have you know that most people on the Federation blacklist are just normal people who just so happen to have opposing ideals from the government.-
"Oh." Keyhole nervously fiddles with his notebook. "Um...can I ask a personal question? Like, you won't get mad?" He asks.
-I won't be mad if you ask a question. If it's too personal I have a right to refuse to answer.-
"That's fair." He frowns as he tries to find the right way to phrase it. "Did you really eat a whole planet full of people?"
I sighed. Of course. I ignore that part of me that tried to make me lie about it. If he gets confirmation then he'll never want to be my friend! Shut up. He has a right to know. But he'll hate me. He has a RIGHT to know so he can make an informed decision. -Yes.- I respond.
He stiffens but pressed on. "Why?"
This was it. With just one word he's won me over. No one ever bothered to ask why. No one ever cared for my reasons. They see my list of crimes and conclude that I am evil. They never wondered MY side of the story. I relax and smile gently.
-Well it's a terrible story but I'm going to start off by saying it was all Time Baby's fault...-
---
-...and so I ate the planet so that I could take them all out in the quickest way I could. I didn't want to prolong their suffering.-
Keyhole sat stock still with wide eyes. "That's...awful..." He says at last. "And...no one knows the truth?"
-No one except Time Baby.-
"That...really sucks." Was his conclusion. I gave him a mental shrug. -It is what it is. I never chose this life.-
"Is that why you keep telling me that I should make my own choices?" Keyhole realizes. "Because you've been denied your own chance to choose?"
-Pretty much. Though, even if Time Baby demanded it from me, ultimately I am the one who accepted the job. I'm not blameless. I COULD push all the fault onto that fat asshole but I played a part too. I do his jobs in exchange for Favors. Time Baby points the gun but I'm the one who pulled the trigger.-
Keyhole sits back in his chair in awe at all he's learned today. "It still sucks that you have to carry the blame for it all. Even if you killed all those people, it wasn't entirely your fault..."
-I've long since gotten used to it.-
Keyhole looks sad even as he packs up his stuff. This was his last class of the day and he hurried out. "So...you said I can hang out with your gang today?"
-My friends. They're all maniacs but I don't know if we count as a gang...where do you want to go?-
"I dunno anywhere fun..." He mumbles as he ducks through the hallway crowded with other kids. -No problem. This day is about getting to know YOU. Where's a place you like to hang out?-
"Well..."
---
"Is this...a bowling alley?" Hectorgon asks as we touch down from the teleport. Ammy is peering around and trying to piece together the purpose of this establishment. Xanthar has to duck down because the ceiling was too low for him. I wrap my power around him and he shrinks down a little.
"You're here!" Keyhole gasps as if he didn't think we would really show up. I tip my hat. "Well of course. We agreed to come after all." He smiles shyly, although we've talked and he's a bit more relaxed around me, he didn't know everyone else. I started introductions.
"Sorry I didn't do this back when we first met. Proper introductions ok, this is Xanthar. He is the sweetest, softest loaf you'll ever meet." Xanthar rubs his face against my side happily. I tensed for a split second before relaxing into him.
"This is Pyronica, she's a literal man eater." Pyronica gives me a light smack on the arm, making sure I could see it coming. "Bill~" she whined.
"This is Amorphous Shape, we call him Ammy for short. Don't be discouraged if he just stares at you, he likes observing people."
"I do believe I get that from you Bill." Ammy flips a few blocks around to make a shrugging motion.
"This is Teeth, despite the way he looks, he ISN'T a man eater."
"Because he's no fun..." Pyronica mutters. Teeth gives her a mock annoyed look. "Ronica, stop trying to convince me to eat people."
"This'll be your first meeting with Kryptos. He wasn't with us yesterday. In terms of the maturation process of his species, he would be the closest to you in age."
"Hey! I'm almost an adult!" Kryptos pouts. His species didn't measure the length of their sides as an indication of age like mine. Instead a compass like him counts his notches to determine how old he was.
"The old guy there is Hectorgon."
"Funny that you call me old when you're older than the universe." Hectorgon scoffs.
"So, everyone, this is Keyhole. He's a good kid." I finished the introductions. "And he's invited us to go bowling with him." I haven't bowled in so long. The gravity on this planet was similar to Earth so the act of bowling should be quite similar to what I remember.
Though I have the distinct feeling that Earth bowling alleys didn't have lanes that went up along the walls. It seemed kinda dangerous to have the pins up near the ceilings but who am I to judge? Our group claimed one of the lanes and Pyronica was forced to go rent some shoes. She pouted the whole time.
"Why are my heels such a big problem?" She complained.
"Ronica, you're gonna need some gloves too." I call out as she tries to tie her shoelaces. She grumbles but after burning through the shoe laces and shoes she just groans and flops over the bench. "Why're things so FLAMABLE?!"
"Here. These might work better." I create some gloves and shoes, repairing and returning the ones she destroyed. Sadly Pyronica can't turn her fire off. Her fire burns bright and hot but at least it dispersed quickly.
Pyronica's fire was pyrophoric in nature as opposed to my fire being an actively triggered effect. While I produce flames by releasing thermal energy to vibrate molecules until they ignite the air particles and cause a self sustaining chemical reaction which I need to consciously stop, Pyronica's arms and legs secrete something like Diethylzinc which naturally ignites when it meets open air. She synthesizes the Carbon Hydrogen chains around the Zinc she gets through her predominately carnivorous diet and it comes out through the pores in her skin.
To put it simply, Pyronica sweats fire.
It's not actually sweat of course. Humans sweat water to regulate their body temperature. Female Cyclopians produce their distinctively flammable skin oils for both self defense and hunting. Male Cyclopian secrete an ionic compound that counters it instead but that's not important right now.
The point I'm getting at is that in order to make it so Pyronica could go bowling with us I had to give her air tight gloves and boots. It was much easier than making Kryptos's gloves which were lined with tiny powerful magnets to disrupt the flow of electrons. Either way, we all settled in and Hectorgon began typing our names into our lane's computer.
I grinned as I played with one of the bowling balls. I wonder how well I can do with my lack of depth perception? Ammy questioned what bowling was. Keyhole looks surprised. "You don't know what bowling is?" I place the ball down and turn my attention to their conversation.
"I don't know a lot of things." Ammy responds somewhat bitterly. I take this chance to bring up something I've been considering. "Hey Ammy? Do you want to go to school?"
"The facility for learning?" Ammy tilts his blocks in confusion. "I suppose if I wished to educate myself that is an option. But can't I just ask you if I want to know something?"
"School sucks. Learning on your own is less stressful." Kryptos grumbled.
I stared at the Polytool before saying sympathetically "You got bullied a lot didn't you?" He flushes "N-no I didn't!"
"Hey, it's fine. I got bullied too." I shrug.
""Really?!"" They all gasped at me.
I rolled my eye "Remember what I said about me being a freak of nature? It didn't make for a very easy time. I didn't have any friends in school. The other kids thought I was weird." Unconsciously I began remembering Zyun-Jan's experiences. "When I was pretty young, a boy in my class tried to throw me down the stairs. He picked me up off the ground and carried me to the edge of the stairwell. I'm sure he was joking but it still terrified me."
At everyone's horrified looks I tried to clarify "See, I've always been a lot smaller than my peers. Anyone could just pick me up and carry me off and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it..."
"Bill that's awful..." Kryptos winced.
"Then in high school there was this guy who seemed to have it out for me. He always bumped my table when I was drawing, he held the door to the classroom closed so I couldn't get inside before the bell and once when I left the room to get something from my locker, I came back to find my backpack missing. I eventually found it in the trash..."
"And...no one did anything about it?" Hectorgon asks worriedly.
"His family was rich." I said deadpan.
"I'm starting to understand why you burned your world to the ground." Teeth mutters.
"The only thing of any worth in my life was my brother. After he....died...nothing else mattered..." I said sadly.
The mood was heavy and I felt a little bad for bringing everyone down. "But that's not the point right now! School bullying sucks but I only brought up the idea because I feel like Ammy needs to learn how to socialize with others. It's an important life skill to have and I thought he might at least try it out."
Hectorgon, the only other parent in the room, nodded. "I too, feel like this would be a good experience for him. He has never gone to school right? And I get the feeling he has only ever interacted with you all so I do think being put into social situations with strangers will be a good learning experience."
Ammy twirled his blocks in thought. "Would going to school allow me to learn what 'bowling' is?"
"Well actually..." Keyhole pipes up "When I was younger, my parents used to invite all my friends from school and we would go bowling for my birthday. It's always been something fun that I looked forward to. As I got older, my friends started getting bored of it so I haven't been able to go bowling with other people in years..."
"....can I hug you?" I ask bluntly. He looks up, confused "Wha?" I stare at him. "I would like to give you some affectionate comfort because you are a precious cinnamon roll who must be protected."
Looking absolutely confused, he turned me down with an "Um...no thank you, I'm good..."
"So going to school DOES equal bowling?" Ammy looked like he wasn't sure if that was the correct answer or not. Keyhole smiles at him "Well if you go to MY school I'm sure we can go bowling together. Since you've never done this before...do you want me to teach you?"
"I would very much appreciate that. Thank you." Ammy responds politely. Hectorgon and I were making proud parent noises together while Pyronica sniggers quietly. I hang back and just peacefully watch as Keyhole explains the rules and Ammy rolls one of the balls around on the ground in front of him.
Kryptos quietly floats up beside me. "So...you were bullied too?" He asks. I sighed. "I made for an easy target. Small, weird and unable to defend myself for fear of causing problems for my family." That was true for BOTH my lives.
"Well you've come a long way since then. You're a god now..." He smiles. "Do you think I could do that too?" There was a hunger in his voice. A longing to gain the strength to fight back, to get back at those who hurt him. It worried me a little, even if I understood his feelings. Sometimes I wished I had let go of my inhibitions and punched my bullies in the face.
"Do you have any bullies from your old school that you want to get back at?"
"....yes..." Kryptos admitted.
I sighed. "I can help you track them down. I won't stop you if you wish to pay them back for the pain they put you through. But I will ask that you give them a chance to apologize first."
Kryptos frowns "I'm not going to forgive them." I nod. "I'm not asking you to. I just want you to give them a chance to see the error of their ways."
"...would you forgive your bully if he apologized?"
"I might." I answered honestly. "I had several emotional meltdowns because of him. He traumatized me to the point that I stopped saying 'please' for many years because that word came to be associated with when I asked him to 'please stop it' and it only encouraged him to do it more. I became too paranoid to leave my belongings alone anywhere and would pack all my stuff up to bring with me wherever I went...but if he apologized and he MEANT it, I would probably forgive him."
Kryptos actually growls. "If this guy wasn't already dead I would kill him. Why did you put up with that? How did you put up with that? You're Bill Cipher!"
"I wasn't Bill Cipher back then. I was just a scared, lonely little kid. You know the funny thing is that even though I'm a god now, it doesn't change what I had gone through. Besides, I don't hate him anymore. It's been way too long. I still remember what he did to me, I still remember how upset I was because of it, but I just don't have it in me to continue hating him forever."
"But you haven't forgiven him?" Kryptos stares at me intently. I sigh, feeling old. "If I don't get an apology, I cannot give forgiveness. But I'm not going to waste my life agonizing over it. He's not worth it."
The compass is quiet for a bit. "You're too nice Bill. No wonder Pyronica's so protective of you." He pouts. "Actually screw that, we're ALL protective of you."
I tilt in confusion. "But I don't need to be protected? I'm an all powerful demon god." Kryptos just gives me an unreadable look and a frustrated groan. "And THIS is why!" He throws his hands up with a huff. I still don't understand what he means.
"Come on Bill! It's your turn!" Pyronica says as the computer finishes recording her score. She had thrown the ball so hard it went through the wall instead of rolling up it. I can hear the owner make distressed noises so I repaired the wall. "Alright, stand back. I haven't bowled in over 120 billion years so this might be messy~"
I had fun. I think Keyhole and Ammy really bonded. Hectorgon had already mentally adopted Keyhole as another kid to take care of. I watch Pyronica tease Keyhole until he turns brown and everyone seemed to be getting along fine. I'm glad they like Keyhole. I'm glad I got another one of Bill's friends.
All that's left is 8-Ball and PaciFire. Though now I wonder if that lava-lamp looking creature was a friend too? Or that thing with like 88 faces? Is it racist of me to hope ze wasn't a friend? No offense to them but they kinda creeped me out. As I stepped up to take another turn, my bowtie began buzzing. A summoning? Now?
"Ugh. Sorry guys, I'm being called in. I'll try to be back soon." They gave me understanding nods and I waved at them cheerfully before Blinking away. The world flakes around me as I tear between the dimensions following the source of my summoning. My Eye was wide Open and flickering even before I materialized before my summoner. I felt my sweet, open persona slip into the back of my mind as Bill Cipher took the forefront. I grinned at the young girl before me.
"Well well well, princess Eclipsa Butterfly, to what do I own the pleasure of a royal summoning?" I tilt my hat at her.
"It's...Queen now..." The girl said simply. Her distress and grief came off her in waves. Despite that she's standing tall, not backing down from my gaze. "I need your help. I'm going to be forced to marry and spend the rest of my life ruling over my kingdom and I have absolutely no idea what to do."
I stare at her quietly. "You know what? I happen to know another butterfly Queen who might be able to help you more than I can."
The girl looks up at me. "So you won't help me?"
"If you mean your public desire to learn how to rule a kingdom, I'll put you in touch with a friend of mine. If you mean your secret desire to mess with black magic, I can do that."
"Would gaining control over the forces of darkness cost extra?" The girl asks, not even denying her longing for knowledge and frankly that was the funniest thing any summoner has ever asked me. "AHAHAHA! Oh man~you know what? I like you kid. My friend's contact info is on the house and I'll even throw in a few freebies. You wanna be a magical girl? You can be a magical girl!"
"I'm already a magical girl..." Eclipsa pouts.
We negotiated the terms, she wanted my help but she still wanted to come up with the spells on her own. All I asked in return was a Favor to be cashed in someday. I didn't even make any karmic side effects, her research into black magic would take it's own toll on her.
I considered what sort of freebie I could grant her. "You wanna know how to tear a hole through dimensions to spy on people?"
Her grin nearly matched my own. "I should have called you up YEARS ago~" she practically purred.
"So it's a Deal then?" I asked with my hand outstretched. She smiles back. "I do so look forward to working with you. It's a Deal." She grasps my hand in a firm shake. I give her the knowledge she needs to start her research and Queen's contact info. Before I left I heard her say in impressed amazement "A butterfly monster?"
---
After bowling (Xanthar accidentally broke half the lane, also the balls kept going off course and hitting people) in which Keyhole won because the rest of us were dreadful (half of us only had one eye, the other half didn't even HAVE eyes and Ammy had trouble holding the balls without fingers) I invited Keyhole out to dinner with the rest of us.
"Unless you want to go home? Do you have homework?" I asked as I floated beside him. "I can help." Keyhole smiles, a light hearted spring in his step. "You tutor?" He asks.
"I actually wanted to be a teacher when I was young. Sadly, on my homeworld every part of our lives were decided by the government. They assigned me a career upon graduation but it wasn't in Education."
"Seriously, the more I learn about your homeworld, the more I understand how you became the person you are now..." Hectorgon sighs.
"What? You mean an emotional wreck with issues against the government?" Pyronica mutters under her breath. Teeth elbows her with a hiss. "Even if it's true you shouldn't say it like that!"
"Well I don't have a lot of homework and it's just Federation Standard, math and Metallurgy so it's easy." Keyhole responds to my original question. "I would like to go out to eat with you guys, I don't have much money though..." He pulls out a keychain with 2 iron keys, 1 steel, 2 aluminum and 5 brass.
"Lucky the bowling alley only charges by the hour and not party size..." He shuffles through his money.
"No problem, I can pay. Now where's a place you want to go?" I ask cheerfully as I twist the particles in the air into a rather ornate golden key. Keyhole practically drools at it.
"More gold huh?" Teeth asks. Keyhole shakes his head. "No. That's Electrum isn't it?"
I stare intently at the Lockin. "Correct. You really ARE good at Metallurgy." I pass him the key and he's running his fingers along each groove with a look of wonder. "It's beautiful...the craftsmanship is perfect. There aren't any rough edges from casting and the ratio is...70/30% of gold to silver? No...more...it's 75/25%!"
He frowns a little. "This is a unique piece...it's worth WAY more than just dinner! This is like...eating out for a week at a fancy place..."
"I leave good tips if the service is good." I set to making some steel keys instead, going for more angular designs this time. "Are these more appropriate?"
After getting the affirmative I once more questioned where Keyhole wished to eat dinner. We ultimately ended up at a simple sandwich place. To describe our experience there simply, EVERYTHING is a sandwich. I watched Teeth bite into a BLT (Bread, Lasagna and Tomato) between two slices of steak and despaired over how the basis for culinary culture I created millions of years ago had devolved to this point. Maybe I should stop messing with the cultural development of alien species. How was I supposed to know that introducing the concept of sandwiches would cause such a thing?
I still ordered a turducken between two giant mushroom caps. The fact that turducken's were a real species of animal really tickled my goat. Not that I own a goat. Or really understand what the fuck that saying means. Seriously where did that turn of phrase come from?!
As I pondered the etymology of that phrase, Pyronica scooted closer to Keyhole. "That looks pretty good. Can I try a bite?" She stares at his sandwich. He flushes lightly and nods. Pyronica takes a bite and moans. "Owh mah gwosh. Bwill you haff to twai dis!"
"Don't talk with your mouth full." I roll my eye. "Besides, that's Keyhole's food and you already ate half of it."
"I-I don't mind..." Keyhole says shyly.
"It's your food, eat." I push his plate back towards him before taking a bite from my own. Shit, I think I ate the plate. I debated whether I should spit it out or just- wait, never mind. I already digested it. Hopefully no one notices.
My bowtie buzzes again. My eye widens in surprise. Two summonings in a day? What the heck? "Hang on, be back soon." I tell the others before Blinking away again.
It was some idiot asking me for ultimate power. I was too annoyed to come up with anything creative so I just turned him into an adorable puppy. "There. Ultimate power. Trust me, the power of cute can accomplish many things." His payment was that I would be allowed to choose what form his Ultimate power came in so really, he only had himself to blame. I made a recording bubble near him to video tape him doing cute things to post on my ThemTube channel. I shook off my hand after having to shake his. Ugh...why did my Deals require a handshake?
Blinking back to my friends so I could finish my meal, I was incredibly annoyed to feel another buzzing call come through. "Ok what the heck?! Where is all this coming from all of a sudden?!"
There were multiple calls even! I felt two...no, THREE separate summonings buzzing through me. Ammy actually looked concerned. "I have never see you get so many summonings before..."
"Dammit." I grabbed my drink and just threw it into my eye-mouth. "Here's some cash, I don't know when I'll be done." A bunch of keys rained down as I Blinked away while simultaneously splitting myself into separate pieces.
There ended up being over 30 separate summonings that day. Everyone hung out for a bit before returning home, Keyhole going back to his uncle's and promising to keep in touch. I finally make it back to the Death Star and collapse onto the sofa with an exhausted groan.
"Wow. I've never seen you this worn out before." Teeth nudges me with the remote. I groan, still lying face down. "Do you...need anything?" Teeth asks worriedly.
"I wanna eat the nearest star..." I moaned. None of the Deals were big enough to give me a proper meal to make up for the energy spent teleporting all across the multiverse today. I was even too tired to fly around the Time stream. Hell, Eclipsa's Deal was the most satisfying snack today.
Teeth looked worried. "You don't mean that literally right?" I flopped over to rest on my side angle, staring at Teeth. "I'm just...so hungry..." I whisper lowly. He slowly, nervously backs up as my gaze remains locked onto him. My pupil was a sharp thin slit following his movements hungrily.
He trembled a little as he starts inching toward the door. "I'm...I'm going to get you some snacks ok Bill?" He squeaks. I let out a low rumbling noise and Teeth whimpers before taking off down the hall to the kitchen. I sighed and berated myself for scaring him just to satisfy myself. I was hungry but not for food. I itched to cause some Fear and Chaos. I longed for it. Even just mildly creeping out Teeth made me feel a little better.
I groaned. I didn't WANT to scare him. It just made me feel good. Maybe I should just go terrorize a random planet...naw, I would feel bad for it later. When my body wasn't filled with energy it became harder to ignore my 'needs'. Maybe I really should go eat a nearby star? My bowtie buzzed and I snarled. Teeth came back into the room with an armful of potatoes. Before he could say anything I had already snatched them up and Cronched them. He shivers as I tore them apart with knife-like teeth.
"Bill? Are you ok?" He asks.
"Ugh...why're there so many summonings today?" I groaned. The Buzzing was still going. "Maybe you should take a break? Just...don't go?" Teeth suggests.
"But...this is my thing...it's what I do..." I pressed a hand to my head and groaned. Almost all of my Deals today were just minor stupid things. "Look, I'm just gonna do this one last one. If I feel any worse I'm gonna call it quits for today..." I slumped. "Sorry for scaring you..."
"No it's fine. You're overworked and upset." Teeth reassures me. I give him a nod before Blinking away.
---
I have a confession to make.
I ate my summoner.
So this guy summoned me and demanded to be swallowed. I had to clarify "Excuse me WHAT?!" The alien, who looked pretty human aside from the arm growing out of his head, repeated. "I want to get in your mouth."
I narrowed my eye at him. "Um...you KNOW you'll die right?"
"Yeah. That's...fine..." He says. "I'm going to die in a few weeks due to an illness so I wanted to fill my bucket list. The last one involves being swallowed. Wanted to give my life symmetry" I was suddenly hit with the feeling that this scenario was TOO weird to be real.
I notice a couple other people hiding behind some large rocks. I've been summoned in a desert area, miles from any civilization. A quick scan revealed their plan. I was...actually quite annoyed.
That video of me offering to take Keyhole in had gone viral and it reached the eyes of some of my enemies. (The video of me attacking Alseph didn't garner nearly as many views, I'm actually disappointed) Some viewed the clip and concluded that Bill Cipher was recruiting for his gang. Some thought it was staged and others were trying to dissect that video for any hint of a weakness about me they could exploit.
Either way, a god with a grudge against me (I bet it was Chernobog, I DID call him out yesterday...and implied he was impotent) got all his followers together and gave out my summoning to everyone they could across the multiverse (which was pretty cool of them since I'd been planning to do that anyway). The thought process being something like 'Force Bill Cipher to make so many Deals it wears him out and weakens him'.
Fair point. They were right.
But they have unfortunately misunderstood how my powers actually worked. My Deals both drained AND strengthened me. Having to split myself and teleport all over the multiverse DID take more energy from me than I received back from said Deals and leave me...weakened, but the actual point of the Deals were that my Maximum Storage Capacity for energy was increased for EACH Deal I make.
Meaning, I might be tired right now but I believe my max capacity has increased by around 1/10 what it was before so once I rest for a few days to generate energy I'm going to be stronger than ever.
Man, I remember in my early days where I needed to use sand to give me some physical mass to work with when restructuring atoms, I've come a long way since then, being able to take my energy and CREATE quarks at will. I'm pretty sure it breaks the laws physics.
Matter cannot be created or destroyed my well sculpted ass, I can spontaneously create Matter. Take THAT physics! It took me billions of years to build up this much power but it was worth it.
The man in front of me had a rather powerful bomb strapped under his shirt. I guess the final part of their plan was to have me swallow a bomb while I was weakened and kill me from the inside.
Once again I guess they didn't understand how I worked. I knew this was a trap. I knew I should just refuse the Deal, go home and meditate until I've recovered. But I was annoyed.
Scratch that.
I was PISSED.
Also, hungry.
"Are you really sure?" I asked one final time. "You want...to get in my mouth?"
"Yes." I had to give this guy props for willingly giving up his life to 'take down Bill Cipher'. That takes balls. We shake on it (he even uses the hand on his head to do so) and I shudder as the malicious undertones of this Deal sends a powerful wave of Pleasure through me. Trying hard to keep my voice even, I stared down at the man.
"Ok, I'm gonna level with you, I don't enjoy eating people who are still alive. They wiggle and it feels super weird."
He hesitates. "What do you mean?"
"It means I'm gonna kill you first." I say before his neck snaps and twists around until his head is ripped from his body with a sick crackling noise. There's an impressive spray of blood and I can taste the horror coming off the guys hiding behind the rocks. The head falls to the ground and feeling somewhat morbid, I teleport it away to the Nightmare Realm as part of my collection of weird stuff I've found over the years (like that giant severed ear from this one asshole who was trying to destroy a planet). Ugh, I think the arm on his head was still twitching.
Then I turned to the body and began shoving it inside my mouth. I was ravenously hungry. I blame that for what I did. Also, the sadistic part of myself wanted to see the looks on their faces once they realized their plan wasn't going to work.
As soon as the last of the man's body slid inside my maw, one of the guys jumps from behind the rock and points a switch at me. "DIE YOU MONSTER!" He cries as he flips the switch.
I felt the explosion go off inside me. My bricks swelled up like a pufferfish and I cried out in surprise.
The man's triumphant look turned to horror as I deflate back to my usual adorably angular self, smoke billowing out from my seams. "Ugh...spicy...I HATE spicy food..." The man drops the switch and stammers "H-h-how?!" I cough out some more smoke "Did you REALLY think that would be enough to kill me?" I purr as I advanced upon him. He screams in terror before I broke his neck too. I didn't rip his head off like the other one though, waste of food. I tossed his lifeless body into my mouth and crunched down. The Fear in the air was the perfect seasoning. The remaining men tried and failed to escape from me. I picked them off one by one.
It would only be after I settled down, patting my bricks after my meal that the horrible things I did finally hit me. I started screaming hysterically. What did I just DO?! Did I lose myself?! It didn't even feel like I lost myself. I just decided to eat them all because I wanted to. It didn't even occur to me how fucked up it was until afterward.
I didn't even realize it was WRONG until afterward.
"Oh no. Oh shit. No. No. No. No..." How did I not notice?! Nothing felt weird. It wasn't like when I was consumed with wrath and just tearing someone apart. It wasn't even like when I got mad and accidentally shoot lasers from my eye.
I was perfectly in control of my actions. I knew exactly what I was doing. I just didn't care about how horrible it was until after the deed was done. I start screaming louder. What just happened?! What was wrong with me?!
Ax!
I had to talk to Ax! He'll know what to do!
I Blink away, still sobbing and covered in the blood of my victims.
---
Ax said I had done too many Deals in too short a time. He carefully wiped the blood off me as I cried into his arms. I babbled on about my fears that this was going to get worse. That I'm going to start killing people and not even think it was wrong.
I don't know if I was expecting him to comfort me, tell me I was fine and this wouldn't happen again or confirm my fears that I was going to turn into a real psychopath but Ax just held me close and cleaned the blood off. -Don't do more than one Deal a day. If this happens again, limit yourself to one a week. If it happens a third time, take a break from your Deals until I say you are ready for them again- he says.
"Why did this happen?" I asked miserably.
He didn't have an answer but he told me not to make any Deals for a while. I suppose that was the best I was gonna get. That probably meant I can't take Keyhole as an official friend for a few days. I tried to tell myself this...lapse of morality was just some weird side effect. I didn't understand WHY yet. My curiosity wanted to find out. My caution was afraid that digging into this mystery would exacerbate the problem.
I chose to trust Ax's words and stay away from Deals for a while. I was a little annoyed he wouldn't explain why this occurred but I let it slide. If he won't tell me then he must have a good reason for it. Maybe it was that kinda thing that got worse the more you knew about it.
I didn't go home for a while. Time didn't exist here in the Space between Spaces so I didn't have to worry about my friends wondering where I was. I cuddled into Ax's arms and let his rumbling soothe me. I wish I could sleep. I really did.
My eye closed and I tried to stop thinking about anything. That was the closest I could ever get. I let my worry fade for now. Everything will be alright. If I just do what Ax tells me I'll be fine. I kept repeating that to myself as I held onto him.
---
"Bill! Are you...feeling better?" Teeth asks cautiously when I Blinked back to the Death Star. "Yeah I'm good." I give him a double thumbs up and he relaxed.
"I'm gonna put out a notice that I'm limiting my availability to one Deal a day. This was too much even for me." My bowtie was buzzing again. I set it to silent mode. No. Not doing anymore. Actually...I set up an 'answering machine' function.
-Hi! You've reached Bill Cipher! I'm not here right now so please leave a message and I'll get back to you at some point if I bother to! Have a not horrible day!-
"I mean, I've worked overtime before and it was awful. So, I feel ya bro." Teeth smiles and gives me a friendly nudge. I grinned back. I never told everyone the details about my...lapse of judgment. It would only worry them.
---
THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
The words blared across the screen as a loud buzzing tone rang out. Golden light twinkled into view and swirled around to create a (very adorable) glowing triangle. What can I say? I like making an entrance.
"Hey kids! It's me Bill Cipher!" I tip my hat cheerfully at the camera. "And unfortunately I'm not hosting a cooking show today." The unseen audience makes a sad 'Awwww' sound. "Yeah, I know. Disappointing. BUT! I'm here to give you all a very important message."
I sat on a large armchair and crossed my legs elegantly. "Recently I've been getting waaay~too many calls." I twirled my cane before thumping it against the ground sharply. "This wouldn't normally be a problem but most of those calls were for some REALLY stupid Deals. One guy summoned me to help him open a jar." A large crack appeared along the ground near where I was tapping my foot.
"I got so many calls I didn't even get a chance to eat properly."
I gave the camera a calm look. "So I was forced to meet with clients while hungry..." The room around me began to darken, shadows reaching out tendrils from behind me and growing like vines along the chair and ground as a low rumbling sound started up. "...I'm sure I don't have to explain how THAT turned out."
The rumbling got louder, the room seemed to shake as the darkness began overtaking the room until all that could be seen was my glowing bricks and staring eye. "So for the sake of everyone involved, don't call me for any stupid reason. I will also be limiting myself to how many calls I'm going to answer per day. I may not get to you immediately but I will keep a record of who called me so I'll be paying you a visit sometime later when you least expect it."
I leered at the camera. "I'll be seeing you in your dreams kids. This has been a public service announcement. Remember kids, reality is an illusion, your life is my entertainment, buy gold BYE!"
---
The number of calls I got dropped off drastically. I also paid Chernobog a visit to see if he really was the one who started this whole mess. He denied it but we both knew he wasn't fooling anyone. I hold out my hand to project an image bubble showing the way I twisted someone's head off just by looking at him (creepily enough, the severed head seems to have been infected by the Nightmare Realm into something…weird…I swear I saw it moving the last time I dropped by my house). He started pleading for mercy, begging me not to eat him. I almost did just 'cause I was so annoyed. For a self proclaimed god of Corruption, he was quite pathetic. I actually felt sorry for him and sat the two of us down to have a heart to heart.
"Seriously dude. What happened to you? You used to be mildly threatening." I asked him over some tea and cake in a nice little cafe in Dimension Cha-1. The large purple god sniffled. "I lost a lot of my worshipers over the last few centuries." He confessed.
"The Federation took over my planets and stamped out all worship of me. They outlawed my rituals, arrested my high priests...and...and..." He let out a whine "They destroyed my temples!" He started sobbing.
"Oh Chernnie you poor dear..." I said sympathetically as I patted his back. He sobbed into his large muscular human-like hands, the mercury tears thumping loudly onto the table. "The Federation's spread has effected all of us you know? You're not the only one struggling."
"But you're still just as strong as ever. What's your secret? How do you manage to keep up your power?" Chernobog asks meekly. Getting such a desperate pleading look from a creature whose face looked like a giant fanged mouth was quite off putting. I rubbed one of his many furry legs comfortingly.
"I've never relied on worshipers. I gained power under my own hard work and efforts. It took billions upon billions of years to get to where I am now. Like, how old are you Chernobog? Like...60000 or so?"
He nodded. A strange motion considering he didn't have a neck. His one large eye was still leaking mercury.
"Well I'm currently over 120 billion years old. It took at LEAST 5 billion for me to get the power to teleport between dimensions under my own power. I spent all those years without any worshipers whatsoever. I never consumed any Souls, never received any sacrifices or anything."
I can tell the other workers and patrons at this cafe were not-so-secretly listening in to my conversation. "I made sure I wouldn't have to rely on others. I gained my power on my own. I CAN get energy from worshipers but I don't NEED them. Sacrifices are a crutch. The thing with crutches is that if you take them away you'll be left flopping on the ground with a broken leg, ya get me?"
He looks confused but nods anyway. "I was not aware you were so...old..." He says quietly. I shrug. "I live out years and years in a dimension, learning everything I can about it and then I head to the next dimension while going back in Time so I can live out years there as well. Rinse and repeat for millions of different dimensions and before you know it, I've existed for a longer collective period of time than Existence itself."
"Back in Time?! But..." Chernobog looks around worriedly. "...won't you get in trouble with the Time Police for messing with time?" I scoff. "You only get in trouble if you do something to throw off Time Baby's rigid schedule. So long as I don't mess with something he cares about he doesn't give a shit what I do." I take a bite of the cake and sip my tea. This place was really nice, should bring Hectorgon here next time. The red alien tried to hide it but he loved cute little cakes and other small things. I once saw him get overcome with emotion upon seeing a tiny origami octopus I had made.
"Damn...you've got more balls than I originally thought Cipher. I don't know anyone else who would be able to disrespect Time Baby like you do..."
I make an annoyed sound. "Okay, first, I don't HAVE balls and second, I disrespect Time Baby all the time. I don't like him, he doesn't like me and we just try to stay out of each other's way most of the time."
The fallen god couldn't really respond to that so he just sips his tea and contemplates my words. We peacefully finish our meal and I wave good bye to him cheerfully when I left. That was a surprisingly pleasant afternoon with a guy who tried to have me killed via suicide bomber.
---
Oh my god! This was so exciting!
Some of the bacteria on Earth have evolved to perform photosynthesis! Eeeee!!! I wiggled around as I watched the Oxygen exhaled from what could possibly be the first plant-like creature. It was really weird to think about how Oxygen is a waste gas but I just watched them breathe and wondered how much longer it'll take for an atmosphere to form.
Afraid to touch anything and interrupt the development of the planet, I Blinked away to go bug Jessie about it.
---
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