45 I Want to...

I shakily reached out to his hand and nudged it, but Ryuu didn't move. If anything, he anchored down to show he wouldn't! I looked at him distressed, and he just stared back, not getting it.

I weakly continued eating my lunch, not being able to bring myself to say anything.

I don't think Akira can see from where he's sitting, so if I bring it up, Akira will find out. Would that be a good thing or a bad thing? If he found out, he'd probably help me slip out somehow. I can also imagine the nonstop teasing from him after he knew.

Before I could come up with a decision, Akira spoke up.

"So, do you still not eat lunch, Yamamoto-kun?" Akira asked after he finished his store bought bread.

Ryuu nodded without ever looking at Akira.

"Eh? That's pretty bad." Akira pitied him. "Hey, Haru, you should share the rest of your food with him." 

Whut.

"Huh?" I looked him incredulously.

"Yeah. Didn't you give him some last time we all ate, too?" Akira innocently tilted his head.

"W-Well, yeah." That is correct, yes, but you're encouraging it?

"You don't have to." Ryuu interrupted.

"N-No, no, it's fine. You should eat." I put my chopsticks down in the container. He'll have to let go of me if he does! "Uh, well, I don't have another pair of chopsticks, though."

"I don't mind." Ryuu suddenly started singing a different tune.

Uh, that was a fast switch.

"Yeah, Haru! You didn't mind before either." Akira helped Ryuu out.

Akira? Why are you so for this??

"Uhm, okay then." As I handed my bento over, something crossed my mind.

Indirect kiss.

"O-On second thought, maybe I should go find another pair from the cafeteria or something." I didn't let go of the bento, so both Ryuu and I held it in between us.

"It's too late for that." Akira rejected. "It's fine. We're all friends here!"

What the fuck, Akira!? I brought you here so nothing like this would happen!!

"It's fine." Ryuu agreed.

"Oh, uh, I-I guess so." I forced a smile and let go.

I couldn't help but stare as Ryuu went to take his first bite. I watched as my chopsticks entered his mouth and looked up.

Our eyes meant.

I blushed before turning away.

"I'm g-gonna go look at the view." I hastily stood up and headed to the edge of the rooftop.

Wahhhh! Why am I getting so flustered!? I fed him last time, for Christ's sake! Ughhh, but now that I know he likes me, it's different!

Fuck, I wouldn't be like this if I hadn't read manga that glorified this bullshit!!

"What's got you all riled up?" I flinched when I heard Akira next to me.

This was his fault.

"You..." I wanted to blame him, but he didn't know any better. To him, I was just a guy giving some food to his friend. That's... nothing out of the ordinary... I think.

That's right. Why would Akira care?

But, he's defensive when it comes to Yuu? Maybe he just doesn't like Yuu, or he's threatened by him? But, then why Yuu and not Ryuu? 

I oddly feel... disappointed?

"I?" Akira leaned on the railing, waiting for me to continue.

"Oh, uh, you... What do you think about Ryuu-kun?" I quickly thought of a different topic.

"..." I sweated as I felt Akira's prying stare. "What do you mean what do I think? Be more specific." Akira turned to look out over the roof.

"Uhm, he doesn't seem... off to you?" I couldn't bring myself to just straight up ask if he could tell Ryuu had feelings for me.

"Nah, not really. Not that much different than the last time we ate together." Akira shrugged. "But, I guess he—"

At that moment, I felt an arm wrap around my waist from behind and was pulled back. I flinched as I was pressed against something hard.

"We have something to talk about." Ryuu squeezed me. "Leave."

H-Huh?

I blushed furiously and stood still, shocked to my bones.

I didn't think he would do something like this in front of someone!!!!

Akira blinked as he slowly absorbed the situation happening in front of him. I covered my face to hide my mortification.

AHHHH!!! FUCK! SHIT! HELL! 

"I'm giving you one more chance because you're Haruka's friend." Ryuu growled. "Leave."

"Oh, uh." Akira sounded like he was aware again. "I'll... get going then." He backed down, and I heard his footsteps as he walked away.

What?! Why are you leaving so easily?!?!?!

Once I heard the door shut, I shut my eyes tightly.

What'shegonnadowhat'shegonnadowhat'shegonnado???

"Haruka." Ryuu softly called next to my ear as he wrapped both arms around me, holding me closely to his chest.

WAHHHHHHH!!!!

"Mm?" I couldn't bring my tongue to form any coherent words.

"Last time you said you think you wouldn't like getting kissed by a guy." Ryuu placed his chin on my shoulder.

I nodded as I peeked through my fingers.

"Since you weren't sure, I thought I should kiss you."

So you were going to kiss me. Ah, I think I'm going to pass out again.

"But, I remembered you said that's done between lovers, which we're not."

OH! OH! MY WORDS ARE SAVING ME!!!

I dropped my hands from my face and nodded rapidly.

"You also said the difference between lovers and friends was the want to kiss."

Yeah, yeah, correct!

I kept nodding along.

"And I want to kiss you."

...

"So, I want to be lovers, Haruka."

Ah, ah, I see my tiny brain packing up to leave while my dumb heart was having fun ramming against my ribs.

"S-So, you-you—"

"I'm pretty sure I love you, Haruka. More than just friends."

Ah, my brain is getting ready to jump out my head... No, you don't!

"Pretty sure?" I grasped onto my last way out.

"Mm."

"When you say that, you sound like you're not." I gripped the guard railing to feel grounded, and I refused to look at him. I kept my gaze on the horizon.

"...I've never loved someone, so I don't know for sure." I knew he was scrunching his eyebrows right this second.

"Uh, besides k-kissing me, what makes you think you love me?" I tightened my hold on the railing, nervous.

"Is there more?" Ryuu asked in confusion.

"Oh, yeah, totally! Sometimes, wanting to kiss someone doesn't mean you love them. Maybe you're just," I coughed, "sexuallyfrustrated." I quickly muttered.

"Then, what are other signs?" Ryuu sounded upset.

"Uhhhh." 

Hey, brain, come up with something, quick! I stopped you from jumping for this reason! ...But I'm pretty sure he is in love with me, so I can't come up with something so suddenly!

Just then, my savior, the bell rang.

Praise the lord, School Bell-sama!

"Dang, looks like we need to get going." I let go of the railing and moved to walk, but Ryuu didn't budge. "W-We can't keep sensei waiting, Ryuu-kun." I anxiously reminded him.

"Not before you answer." Ryuu squeezed me.

Damnit! Let me escape!!!

...Shit.

"Ryuu-kun, what if I can't answer your feelings?" I solemnly asked. "It's better if we stay friends."

"That matters?"

Eh?

"Wait, what do you mean?" I looked back at him, surprised by that response.

"You said love was showing you care." Ryuu answered as he softened his grip. "Like through kisses and holding hands for lovers. I want to do that, so I told you. I don't want to be limited to friends."

...This guy is serious.

Was he seriously thinking that declaring he wants to be lovers means we're lovers now, so he can do what he wants? I mean, that shouldn't really be surprising given his character, but seeing it in action still gives a shock, huh?

This boy is gonna need to learn the word "consent."

I turned around to face him properly. Ryuu lit up.

"Ryuu-kun, we'll continue this discussion later. I have more I need to teach you about feelings." I sighed as I gently pushed his arms down.

"Why? What's wrong?" Ryuu looked frustrated.

"I'll explain later. We have to go to tutoring." I walked to the spot my empty bento was left at and packed it up. "Oh, I should mention." I stood up straight and met Ryuu's hazy eyes. "We're not lovers, so don't touch me like that in front of other people. They might get the wrong idea. Actually, you shouldn't—"

Mistake.

The word flashed in my brain when Ryuu's hands slammed against the wall behind me and trapped me.

"Like the guy from before." Ryuu growled, his eyes bright with anger.

Did he mean Akira?

"Calm down." I could feel my breath starting to quicken.

"Answer me!" Ryuu roared and punched the wall. I jumped.

Oh no, not again.

"Ryuu." Like yesterday, I placed a hand on his cheek. "Look at me, and calm down." The haze in his eyes slightly faded, but he didn't back down.

"Tell me." Ryuu almost begged.

"...Yes." I honestly answered. "But not just him, okay? I don't want to imagine what rumors would be like if anyone saw us like this." Ryuu's eyes cleared, but he was still upset. "So, lets go?" I asked with a small smile. "I promise I'll answer your questions later. You can wait, right?"

I quivered a little when Ryuu delicately placed his hands on my cheeks. I retracted my hand instantly.

His fingers felt...rough. Used. Hardened. Yet warm.

"Haruka, I really want to kiss you."