Here On Out… 3

The day of the funeral. Sawyer couldn't believe he was thinking such a word let alone that it was happening. His father was busy planning the funeral and Tom was holed up in his room with his friends coming over one by one while he... he couldn't stand hearing footsteps up and down the stairs. Each time he thought it was his mother or Peggy and each time his small ray of light was shattered by more darkness and the reminder that neither one of them would ever be coming up the stairs or down them again. That Peggy would never open his room door with words to say about one thing or another and his mother wouldn't call his name. He hated the stairs and hated his room door every time it opened up and it was his aunt and not his lost sister or mother. He shut off his phone and turned away visitors by the third day. He couldn't stand it. He couldn't imagine how his brother and father were taking it. He was too weak to get ready. But he did it anyway. And after five days in his room, he finally came out dressed in a black suit and ready for the dreadful day. He passed Tom also ready and closing his room door on the way down the stairs.

When he got downstairs, his father was going into the kitchen and his aunt was waiting by the door patiently for them to come downstairs. She'd been with them all week, making sure they were all okay. No words were exchanged as he walked to the door and opened it up.

Sunlight hit him, the laughter of a child came to him, he watched a car drive past their house, the mail man walking past the house opposite their. The child was being put in a car. Then it occurred to him, like a hard slap to the face; the world is still moving. Nothing stopped and half his family was gone. He gripped the door handle hard, his chest felt tight, a large lump formed in his throat, he found it hard to breathe. He gasped for air and a sob escaped instead, giving way to a flood of uncontrollable anger and tears as his knees gave in, he lost his balance and his knees hit the floor.

"Sawyer!" His aunt called, rushing to his side.

He sobbed, thinking over and over; nothing stopped and half his family was gone. His free hand covered his eyes, staining his palm with tears. How could this have happened? How is he supposed to live with this? How was the world still moving without a care?

Travis rushed to his older son, clasping his hands on his shoulders and helping him up. Could he tell him it's okay when it's not? Could he tell him to be strong when he himself is struggling to be so? His beautiful girls, gone forever and so quickly. What could he possibly say to console his son? He would just have to keep trying to be strong for them.

Tom watched them from the stairs, still no tears. Even now when his brother had lost his will to hold back his, he had no tears to shed. His legs could no longer lift him up. Slowly he sank down and sat on a step, clutched a clump of his hair and stared at the floor... weak and helpless... and filling with anger.

"I know this is hard." Tom heard his aunt say. "But you have to be strong. You have to be. For Tom. For your dad." Sawyer shook his head. "Please Sawyer."

There seemed to be a reasonable explanation for Tom's lack of tears... Sawyer had a enough for them both. Perhaps it is the truth. It however, didn't make him feel any better.

Travis guided Sawyer to the living room. "Close the door." He said to his cousin. "Let's sit for a minute." He set Sawyer down on the couch and sat beside him. "We still have a little time."

A week ago he talked to his sister, and could hear the excitement in her voice. Today he would watch his mother and her be buried.

The days passed with its looming darkness that held on to the house and the three of them. Relatives came and left, friends came and left and Tom was going back to school. Sawyer still didn't very much like leaving his room. The emptiness that greeted him each time also viciously tore him apart each time he did. He couldn't even handle the thought of going into his parents' room, or Peggy's. Nevertheless, he came out and stayed with Tom long enough and talked with him. Being there for his little brother as best he could. Their talking was always small talk. Nothing like what they would have talked about before. Tom couldn't bring himself to speak about his friends or girlfriend and Sawyer didn't want to ask. Travis also stayed with them, the same small talk. But they were together. Another week passed and school sounded and felt much better than being at home. Will this be it? Will he never want to come home again? Still at home, thinking of school and thinking of thinking of home in school made home feel like somewhere he never wants to be again without them.

He informed his father of his plans to go back to school. He gave himself three extra days which felt like they would be and eternity. But he would have to hold out some more and his flight was scheduled. He told Tom of his plans and without too much thought, set out to packing. He couldn't wait.

The day before his flight, Tom came back from school. Words caught in his throat the he felt he needed to share with Sawyer. He didn't bother going to his room, he went straight to Sawyer's knocked and entered when his brother gave permission and blurted without a thought to anything. "We fought as usual that day. Peggy and I. She wanted me to come with them and I didn't want to. Maybe if I had then- then maybe they-"

Sawyer closed his laptop when Tom started talking and felt grief grip his heart when he heard his brother's words. "Maybe I would have lost you too. It's not your fault."

"I know but I-" but what? "I- I called her voice annoying that afternoon."

"You always say that."

"Peggy did the growling thing."

"She always did that."

"I remember her glaring at me. Mom kissed my head like she always does and Peggy just glared and growled." The stinging of tears. Maybe now, finally. "Maybe if I had been kinder."

"You didn't know." Could he really stay away forever? "You were being yourselves." He stood up, pushing up his glasses as he closed the distance between them.

"I could have been. I-"

"It wasn't your fault Tom. Please don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong." He assured him.

Sawyer was right. But it didn't stop the thought. Still no tears for his lost family. Looking for a reason to blame himself when there was none.

"I think I should have been here too and then maybe they would still be here. But I wasn't and you weren't and that wasn't your fault. Peggy always knew you wouldn't come with her. This in no way your fault." Back to his question, could he truly not come back? Can he leave his brother who's just as heart broken as he is alone in this house now full of darkness?