Chapter 58

But something stops Nycta from opening that dream of her, from becoming totally his.

Her hands, although already touching the door, seem to have no strength to push it in.

At that moment, a huge swarm of unwanted scenarios invades her mind.

What if...he rejects me? He will probably not bluntly do that. Maybe he will push me away?

What if Sam looks at me with a look that says: Vulgar woman? I can not stand that. I just can't...

If he looks at me like that, I am seriously going to die...

Merely the thought of it makes me want to vomit.

What if he...despises my actions? What I am doing right now...is it good? Or...is this...rape?

Invading him at night, not having normal locks on the door, this is rape...isn't it? There is no consent, after all...

What if he feels...disgusted?

It has not been even a full month since we crossed paths again. Does he want me? How can I be sure that he will use my body?

Sam is the only one I have left in this world. If he feels disgusted by me, I may as well just kill myself...

The more Nycta thinks, the more her hands tremble. It is so close. Her goal is so close right now. Her hope, her dream, her sole purpose in life are in front of her. Yet to Nycta, it feels so so far away.

The door has been unlocked, she just needs to push it. That is all she has to do.

A push is all she needs.

But why, why is it so heavy? Why is her mind not letting her do the thing she wants the most in this world?

Nycta feels like a dear in the headlights. That door she is touching feels like an immovable wall.

The promised land is over there, right in front of her eyes. But she just can not muster up the courage to cross it.

She just...stands there, silently.

To be able to do something like a night visit, one must need at least 2 requirements.

First: They must have some kind of invitation, a hint, to do so.

Second: They must have good self-esteem.

Nycta, sadly, has none of these.

It is at this point that Nycta's inferiority complex strikes her. The most crucial point, but also most vulnerable.

She wants him to be the first person and the only one in her life to do so. Nycta wants no one but him to do it. But she is scared, terrified, for the reality that may come after.

His body is not the only thing that Nycta hopes for. She wants his soul, his inner feelings, his heart. She wishes every day that Sam would hold her close and whisper the 3 words that she craves day and night.

If this does not work, Nycta will probably be closed to the chance of being in love, forever.

The more she thinks about it, the more scared she is.

Unlike the others, Nycta has never been rejected by Sam. She was the one who let him go in the past. Because of that, she simply does not have the mentality of those who have always been denied.

That, and the fact that she has always been guilty about her family circumstances, make it difficult to be prepared for him. Nycta feels she is unworthy of any kind of affection since she can break it down at any given moment.

"Keough! *Cough cough*"

The sounds of someone coughing up suddenly stop Nycta from her train of thought.

It is the maid, still standing with blood in the corners of the mouth, grasping the punch of Lily tightly.

Ever since the abduction, she has always been using the maid's vision. Not just that, but she can hear whatever the maid can hear, as well. And through those eyes and ears, she can see Lily, still being controlled by her Void magic.

However, Nycta can feel the limbs of Lily shaking as she struggles her best to break through the spell. Lily does not give up, even when she has already lost.

Facing the inevitability of Nycta's magic, Lily still moves forward.

Even though there is nothing that can be done.

Why does she have such a will?

How come she does not feel dejected?

Why is she so much better than me?

Stop...I won...you lost...

Nycta can see the massive difference between her and Lily.

One lives in the past, forever tormented by it.

The other one lives in the present, fighting for a better future tomorrow. Lily will simply not stop achieving what she wants.

Learn it, Nycta. Learn it from Lily!

This is what you want! If you want to stand as equal to those girls, you have to.

It is now or never, this is probably the best chance Nycta can have to do this privately with him without any intrusion.

Nycta remembers what Lily told her a few days ago.

"Because you don't even love yourself."

Yeah, that is true.

I do not feel proud of myself, nor do I love it. That is why I need this.

I need him to see who I truly am. The confirmation from him is all I need.

I may not be as brave as you, as aggressive as Yuno, or as feminine as Yui.

But I can...and I will.

Even if this body will not be accepted, I will still give it to him. Again, and again, and again.

It is not about sex. No. The first time is never about sex. Sex is just a tool. My body, is also a tool.

It is about being recognized.

I...don't want to be on the sidelines anymore. I want to be standing next to him, telling him what I love about him.

To do that, this first barrier should be broken.

Nycta makes the final resolution. Her mind is settled. Even if the future in front of her is as dark as her vision, she will still resist.

She will not lose him this time.

Nycta pushes onto the door with all the mental power she can get.

Heavy, the door is.

But it slowly opens up thanks to her effort.

*Ba-dump ba-dump*

"Are you still awake, Sam?" With heartbeats as loud as drums, Nycta walks closer to the bed. Her voice trembles in anxiety.

She can not see him looking at her with his right eye. There is no way for her to tell if he is looking. The maid who is supposed to give her the vision is still outside, after all.

But his is black, the same color as hers. The left has been turned into an opaque white color due to the scars from the duel. That lonely eye focuses on Nycta and Nycta only at this moment.

"Yeah, I am still awake." Sam sits up. And he asks her curiously. "Why are you here in the middle of the night? What is going on outside?"

"That...Haha. We just had a little bit of a heated discussion." She smiles forward, wondering if he is looking at her. "I...um...I was wondering if we can have a little talk."

Her heart pounds harder than ever, pumping more blood to her cheeks.

Without the ability to see, Nycta can still feel her face blush. Nonetheless, she comes closer to the place where she thinks is the bed.

"Can I sit down by your side, Sam?" She meekly asks. Her knees are going weak. If he says no, she will probably cry.

*Rustle*

There is the sound of bedsheets moving.

"If it's just talking, then of course! You girls are always welcome. Don't think about other stuff, though!" His voice is suddenly by her ears. "Let me help you. Can you give me your hand? It's right in front." Sam brings his arm forward.

"Thank you."

Standing so close together, the smell of him...makes her even more heated. She can not see, but she thinks her breaths are visible due to the warmth she has right now.

Nycta reaches out and takes his hand.

It is big...and rough. His palm, his knuckles, scars are all around them.

This is his hand. The hand of a persistent person.

He has been fighting for so long because she was not there with him.

She wants to fix that from now on.

"So what is it that you want to talk about?" Sam pulls her down and they sit side by side.

"Not really a talk, but can I give you a massage, Sam? It would be best that you get naked. I won't be able to see anything anyway..."