1 I Still Love You

It was January and raining in Shimla. Weather forecast predicted snowfall in Mussoorie. We took Innova. Shreyansh was placed with the driver to take responsibility for the trip. Shaheena and Aashi, agreed to sit in the middle on my request, to let me seat with my Lilly (Ragini). Ragini and I sat at the back.

Mussoorie is a seven-hour drive from Shimla. The round turns on roads, green hills, cold and foggy weather, with Ragini sitting by my side, made my day. We enjoyed joking about each other and talking about school days. While Shreyansh was busy taking pictures of the hills and valleys, Shaheena and Aashi slept for a while. I stared at Ragini's face and said, 'I love you!' She smiled silently but didn't say anything. I looked outside, smiling. Love is in the air of hills. I love her, and I know that it is the most awesome feeling to love such a beautiful soul. I do not ever want to forget her, even if she would forget me.

As we were getting close to Mussoorie, it was getting colder and we wished for snowfall. While she was taking a nap, I kept my head on her shoulder and took a nap myself. She noticed me with my head there and let it be. She too liked me keeping my head on her shoulder and sleeping like a baby. I cannot live without her. I want her. I want to be with her always. I love her.

I approached for her hand. She allowed me to hold her hand. After a few seconds, she adjusted her hand in mine so that it would be more comfortable. I held her hand and did not want her to go. Every part of me loves her. We held hands together until we reached our destination. Holding her hand for five hours passed like five minutes. I wished that we never had reached this destination, that we would keep holding hands, and that I could keep my head on her shoulder for an endless time.

We reached there in the evening. The snow covered the roads and the triangular roofs, trees turned white, and everywhere the eyes could reach was white. The weather was cold, and the sun was about to set. We decided to stay in a theme resort that had bamboo huts for shelter. We walked down the mall road and filled our stomachs with street food. I held the Ragini's hand and walked beside everybody.

The sun has fallen, and we returned to the resort. We sat in a circle around the bonfire. Romantic songs and cold weather in the background complemented having Ragini with me. When we were going back to our rooms, I called Ragini from beside, 'Ragini!' she turned around. 'Would you sit with me for a while?' I asked. She agreed.

She said goodnight to Shaheena and Aashi. Shreyansh went to his room.

We sat at the viewpoint from where we could see the tiny lights of the city.

'Are you happy with me?'

'I have never felt more alive than being with you.'

'You never express anything.'

'I don't feel good in expressing but when you speak, I say the same inside me. It just isn't loud enough for you to hear.'

'I loved it when we were holding hands,' I said, looking at her. 'How did you feel when I held your hand?' I asked.

'I wished we could stay like that for some more time.'

'Yeah, that was beautiful.'

'See, I told you. I always feel the same way that you feel.'

I held her hand and said, 'There's a quote, "Love the person who loves you", I am in love with that person.' She smiled and held my hand tighter as if she never wanted me to leave. We sat like that for half an hour until she broke the silence.

'Hey, listen, I want to ask you something. As you asked Isha that truth-and-dare question without any feelings, I fear that I am not the next girl for you.'

'You are still stuck on that. There is nothing with her. Yaar, you are my first, not next. Do you think I am just passing my time with you?'

'Yes,' she giggled.

'How can you feel that way? I love you.'

'How can that be normal for you?' she asked pulling my leg. She laughed seeing me explaining things like this.

'I am used to these things. I have feelings for you. It's not a joke.'

'It should not be a joke.'

'I want to know if this is not one-sided.'

'Do you think from my actions that it is one-sided? Armaan, these are very big words. I fear I can't handle that.'

'You just say it; you know exactly how I am going to reply.'

'I just know that I feel good spending time with you. I don't know whether it is love or not!'

'You are just confused, and it is bothering you. It's okay, take your time, I will wait.'

'I just know that I want to be with you.'

It was getting colder with every passing second, but her hand gave me warmth. I looked at her face and smiled.

'I was alone for a long time and felt that there should be someone with whom I share and who shares with me, with whom I can talk and hear her talk. Now I got you. I love spending time with you and get sad with the mere thought of you getting away,' I said, looking away. My eyes were wet, but Ragini couldn't see that in the dark.

'I too love spending my time with you. I have always wanted that I attract to someone eventually with talks and not merely by face.' I kept quiet and smiled. 'What do you fear the most?' she asked.

'That someday you would leave me alone and go away. And if I would be the one leaving, I fear that you will let me go.'

'I will never leave you or let you go.'

'Don't ever be the one to leave me. It is not temporary. I want to be with you; I love you. Promise me that you will remember that you are mine.'

'I promise.'

'I dared to hold your hand today; I feared how you would react.'

'It felt good. It was lovely and I felt alive.'

'I wished we could continue it for some more time. I wish I could freeze the time.'

With every passing second, it was getting colder. I saw Ragini shivering and told her to go to her room. I wished this night would never end and that I would be out with Ragini, talking endlessly.

As I entered the room, Shreyansh was already asleep, and I started missing Ragini.

I called her. 'Why are you doing this?' I asked.

'What?'

'Being attached to me too much and then leaving me.'

She kept quiet.

'Would you find someone like me there?' I asked.

'Are you mad? I will not talk to anyone there.'

'Then what will you do in Chandigarh?'

'I want to go. I want to experience everything. I want to be independent....' I switched off the light, took the quilt and let myself inside it. 'Next time you hold my hand, hold it tight,' she said after a pause.

'What happens with holding tight?'

'You would always be a Dog. You always have to take it wrong,' she said.

'You are Tharki,' I laughed.

'How was that Tharki? Don't ever hold my hand again. What happens with holding hands?' She said.

'It feels good. We would not be able to hold hands after two months so I want to capture that moment and carry that for a long time.'

'Now I don't want to talk to you; you have made it awkward. Now I will think hundred times before telling you anything,' she said taunting me.

'I sometimes think about how all changed in just a blink.'

'Hm, it's so true. Now, say something good.'

'You can too.'

'I did, and you tagged me as Tharki.'

'You are not Tharki?'

'No, I don't play truth and dare to ask kiss-related questions.'

'What are you?' I taunted.

'I will taunt and scold you until I am not satisfied.'

'Who are you to taunt me?'

'I am your Ragini. I hold the right on you.'

'I love you, Ragini.'

'When you hold my hand, I feel like we share comfort,' she said. 'How do you feel?' she asked.

'I waited a long time for someone to come into my life. You felt like shit to me, and now, you feel so good,' I laughed.

'You are such a dog.'

We wished goodnights and hung up the phone at two in the morning.

I woke up early in the morning. I sat in the balcony of the bamboo cottage and admired the beauty of hills and nature. Ragini came out of the other room and said, 'Good morning.' I smiled, staring at her face and said, 'Good Morning, my Lilly.' She sat next to me and stared the hills and the fog covering them. We were alone until everyone else woke up after two hours.

Early Morning we went to the Church. I wish if I could marry Ragini in that Church. I went into the thoughts where I marry Ragini, where she was dressed in a long white dress touching the land, which symbolized purity, and I am dressed in a black suit. She looked beautiful. The Priest welcomes all and reads the prayers from the Bible.

'Will you have this man to be your husband; to live together with him in the covenant of marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health and, forsaking all others, be faithful unto him as long as you both shall live?' The Priest would ask the Bride.

'I will,' Ragini would agree.

'Will you have this woman to be your wife; to live together with her in the covenant of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful unto her as long as you both shall live?' The Priest would ask the Groom.

'I will,' I would say looking in her eyes.

The Priest let us make vows to each other, and we exchange the rings which have no beginning or end, which symbolizes that the marriage and love will last forever. The Bride and Groom stand and face each other.

I faced Ragini and takes her right hand in mine and then say, 'In the name of God, I, Armaan, take you, Ragini, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.'

And then Ragini would say, 'In the name of God, I, Ragini, take you, Armaan, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.'

The Priest continues, 'Ragini and Armaan, having witnessed your vows of love to one another, it is my joy to present you to all gathered here as husband and wife.'

'You may kiss the Bride,' the Priest says and exits.

I held Ragini's hand and came close to her. We kissed touching each others' outer lips while everyone present clapped. It would be so beautiful that I am in love with her and that moment that I would never forget. She is so beautiful that I can't stop loving her. I love her with all parts of my heart where every part of my heart loves her and would always love her.

I came out of the thoughts and held her hand. Every time I hold her hand, I feel like she is only mine and will always be mine. We held hands until we reached the front and pray. I prayed for Ragini. I prayed that we would never be parted and she would always remain mine. I prayed to hold my right to love her. I always pray for love because I want God to help me get it. I opened my eyes and turned towards Ragini. She was still praying. She must be praying for something or someone important that took her that long. As soon she opened her eyes, she noticed me staring at her; I smiled looking deep into her eyes.

We reached the kempty falls until afternoon. Ragini held my hand so tight that she does not lose me in falls. I, too, never want to lose her.

In return to Mussoorie, I took black Avenger Street. Ragini asked me if she could join me. 'Sit tight,' I smiled. 'Drive slow, I don't want to die so early,' she said.

'What will I do if you would die?'

She smiled and sat beside me. She held me with her arms around me and kept her head against my back. I don't know what she was feeling, and maybe she too was feeling attracted to me. I rode around the winding roads between the hills and the trench. It was getting higher, and Ragini feared to see the channel.

She kept quiet. We reached Mussoorie in the evening. After the meal, I called Ragini out while others preferred to sleep. Snow turned trees, grass, and pavements white. Snowfall was happening, and it was colder than yesterday. We sat on a swing that was placed under the shed. The swing was long enough for four people to sit.

I let my head on her shoulder and held her hand. I can't remain with her without holding her hand. Even though she was three months older than me, her hands were shorter than me.

'Why did you hold me on the ride?' I asked.

'Because I didn't want to fall in the trench,' she laughed.

'What were you feeling back there?'

'I would punch you in the face, why do you ask even when you know everything.'

'When your hand was in mine for the first time, you adjusted it a little. That made me feel that you too wanted to hold my hand.'

'Yes, I remember,' she smiled.

'I love you,' I tried to release my hand from her, but she was not letting it go. I released and adjusted for having my fingers in between her. I love her more with every passing moment.

We kept quiet for a while and stared at the beauty of snowfall. I kept my head in her lap and took her hand in both of mine for rest on my left side of the chest. I wish she could feel my heartbeat and know how much I love her. She kept her other hand on my head. What can be more beautiful than that? I looked in her eyes from downwards and got lost. I kissed her hand and said, 'I love you, Lilly.'

I closed my eyes and enjoyed keeping my head in her lap and her hand in mine. She held my hand tight.

'Never leave me alone,' I said.

'Never'

'I love you, Ragini. Don't forget that you are always mine.'

'Armaan! I love you too!' she said.

She finally said for the first time. My heart started beating faster and I opened my eyes to realize that I am not dreaming. I sat straight, and she hugged me tightly. What else do I want? I have Ragini in my arms and she is too afraid to lose me. She held me tight and don't want to leave me. I can feel her hair and breathe her fragrance which felt lovely.

'I love you too Ragini,' I said in her hair. 'Are you sure now?' I asked after a pause.

'I don't know, but I couldn't resist. I wished to say it.'

I was so close to her that I could see deep into her eyes. What can be more beautiful than her eyes loving me?

'I wish I say I love you all the time.'

'Then keep saying,' she held my hand and let her head on my shoulder.

'I love you.'

'I love you, Oreo.'

'It doesn't suit my personality na?' she asked.

'Shh! Don't spoil it. You made me wait for too long. It felt charming. You are meant to be loved.'

'You carry so much love in your heart. I can't handle so much love,' she said after a pause.

'You can.'

'I will.'

'Would you talk to me like this after you have gone?'

'Yes, daily. I will always love you but please don't stop me from going,' she said.

'I need to fight for you.'

'Don't stop me from going. I will love you more for that. Let me make my decisions. If you stop me from taking my decisions, then I will not be able to remain the same.'

'Okay, we will not discuss it. We will see when you will go.'

'Yes, lovely Armaan. Return from Mumbai soon. I don't know how would I pass eight days without you.'

'Love will fade away.'

'No, it will not, I love you.'

Snowfall around us deposited in layers. It was getting colder. Ragini held me tight, and I could feel her warmth. I desired to kiss her when I realized that her lips were only four inches away from mine.

'I am feeling very sleepy now,' she said.

As she was leaving, I held her hand to stop her. We came out of the shed and let the snowfall on us. I held her close, grabbed her waist with my left hand, her face with my right, and let me come close to her. She closed her eyes, held my back with her arms, and breathed. I can see her kajal. I can feel her fragrance which was going deep in me.

I touched her lips with mine and closed my eyes. I forgot the world around. I could feel the taste of her lips. In the next blink of time, our tongues touched each other and tasted each other's mouth. I felt breathless for several minutes. I could feel she was with me, and I was with her, and we would never leave each other alone. For minutes we didn't leave each other's mouth.

'I love you my Armaan.'

'Ragini! I love you too,' I kissed her again.

I could still feel her taste and never want to forget it. I can't express how much I want her, how much I like her, how much I want to be with her and how much I love her.

'Love you, Armaan. I am already missing you,' she said as we started walking towards our rooms.

'I will miss you too and it will make our love strong. Day before yesterday when I told, I love you for the first time, my heart skipped a beat and started beating faster with every passing second.'

'At that time I said, I love you too in my mind. I have never thought that it would feel so good, so lovely to be with you. I love you very much. Now goodnight, I am going to be in your dreams,' she smiled.

It was a lovely night with fog and the snow all around. I felt attached to the place may be because these hills gave me love. I got the gift of God here.

PS: Ragini still left me and I still love her. I still love you.