1 My Unheroic Deaths

I was once the bravest warrior on Earth! I fought in the glaciers at the top of the Mountains. I also sent terrorists to hell in the deserts filled with Sands.

I survived the bombs and bullets and returned home victorious, but couldn't survive the rash driving of a truck driver!

In my last moments, I prayed, prayed to the one I never believed in.

"Oh Lord Almighty, give me a second chance!"

I could feel the hubbub around me quieten. The colorful city lights lost their luster as the starry night sky was all that was left in my vision.

As I sat up, I felt the ethereal experience of leaving my body. Slowly I floated up and looked down at my soulless corpse. With a last military salute towards the land of my birth, I turned and began my journey into reincarnation.

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When I first incarnated, I was inside an egg. A Fire Ant's egg. I had reincarnated as a Fire Ant.

But even before I could break the shell and emerge into this world, the eggs were crushed and made into chutney.

They had literally made us into chutney with a bit of pepper and cumin and salt. I didn't know whether to curse or bless the human who ended my life as a Fire Ant before it even started.

Before my soul returned to the netherworld, I still heard the blonde middle-aged man exclaim,

"This... This is f*cking delicious!"

That annoyed me, and I cursed him.

"Your kitchen will be Hell's Kitchen and Hotels, a Nightmare!"

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I went through thousands of incarnations, sometimes as an animate, other times as an inanimate.

After experiencing life as a prey as well as a predator, I had a newfound respect for all lives. But not once was I born into a human form.

I was now a giant black dragon, roaming the skies and garnering awe of the nearby villagers. Sometimes I kidnapped a few dames and kids from the village just because I craved human intimacy.

Even though I let them go unharmed after playing with them, not one villager believed me to be innocent. I was a giant villain to them.

Today, I had kidnapped Christina again. She was my favorite human. After being scared into peeing the first few times, she had become used to me. She was a charming lady with red hair and green eyes.

She was regaling me with the story of her one more failed match-up.

"... And then he just tripped while drooling. He was such a klutz. Even a little bit of show of skin had made him like that; imagine if I was wearing the V neck you designed for me."

Christina was coincidentally the daughter of the noble of the land, Viscount Krat. She was at the sweet age of 18, and her beauty renowned throughout the kingdom.

Hordes of suitors came to Viscount asking for her hand. Some were her age, some were her father's age. There were Heroes and Nobles, Scholars and Warriors who were attracted by her radiant smile.

And Christina had used me as a shield.

Anyone who defeated me and drove me away would be her husband.

I didn't know this first, but as more and more fools ventured into my cave, my mounds of treasures increased. So I tacitly agreed to her arrangement.

Until today.

There was a sound of a galloping horse approaching the cave, and Christina paused mid tale. I was annoyed at the interruption.

"Who dares?" I roared with indignity.

"Evil dragon, I am Sir Pretzel! Return Lady Christina and leave these lands. Or don't blame me for not showing you any mercy."

A hideously obese knight sitting on a handsome stallion came into view. He was wearing shiny golden armor. His wickedly sharp Cavalier's Sword reflected the sun rays into my eyes.

"Puny Human!" I tried to say this without bursting into laughter. His comically round body was by no means 'puny.'

"Dragon, don't challenge my patience! I have killed several Dragons. They call me the Dragon Slayer back in the Capital."

"You are the famous Dragon Slaying Meatball!"

Christina interjected with wide eyes. With eyes full of fear, she looked at me and whispered, "Escape brother dragon. He really has killed several dragons."

"Impudent! I shall forgive you for now as you will be my wife in the future."

Saying this, the knight got down from the stallion. Immediately the stallion's height increased by two feet.

He started rolling *ahem* running towards me. I still didn't believe he could kill Dragons, much less me.

" Die dragon!"

He charged with his rapier and poked my wing. Son of Bitch that hurt!

I glared at him fiercely. He stared back at me. I spit a breath of fire, and before the fire had gone out, I engulfed him.

"Brother Dragon, don't!"

I was surprised by Christina's panicked cry. If I didn't know better, I would've thought she really loved the big guy. But she now looked at me as if she was looking at a dead corpse.

I ignored her and swallowed the fatty.

*Heuk*

I was choking. The damn fatty was too big for my gullet!

I dry heaved, trying to swallow him. But still no luck. Then I coughed, trying to spit him out. But the bastard had stuck his sword in my throat and refused to come out.

I was very uncomfortable. I looked at Christina for help. She was already collecting treasures in my abode.

I looked at her, betrayed. When she had picked her favorite brooch, she came and sat beside me.

"I am sorry, brother dragon, but there really is nothing I can do. He has always killed dragons in the past this way. I warned you, but you didn't listen."

Then she laid a goodbye kiss on my snout, turned around, and ran out of the cave.

I rued my misfortune. What a death, huh? Choked on a knight? I closed my eyes as my soul once again entered reincarnation.

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Incarnation no. 23576

When I came to my senses, I was hot. Scalding hot. All around me, there was fire and smoldering red charcoal.

I could feel a pair of tongs holding me inside this furnace.

"Take me out of here, you dimwit!" I yelled at the young blacksmith.

He was so surprised he dropped me once again inside the furnace.

"Aw aw aw... You dumb blubbering fool, take me out of here!"

This time he did as I asked him to do; properly. He put me on the anvil and began hammering me.

"Ouch! Not there, you idiot!"

I scolded as he once again hit the wrong spot with the wrong force.

"You are hopeless."

I yelled as he once again made a mistake.

"Just imagine the shape you want me to be in... I will transform myself."

It cost me some of my precious energy, but I'd rather expend some of it than let this fool hammer me.

I saw an image of a humongous round armor in his mind. Somehow it felt familiar, but I didn't have much energy to pay attention to it.

When I had completed my transformation and was lying on the table panting, the young blacksmith was polishing me. It felt nice.

"Welcome, Sir! It is our honor to repair your armor. I have good news for you. Your armor has given birth to an artifact spirit."

An elderly blacksmith was welcoming a knight into the shop. I lazily opened my eyes at the sound of the conversation.

And there he was; In his naked glory. Dragon Slaying Meatball, Sir Pretzel!