the art of loving and waiting.

James always seemed like a hopeless romantic. He read romantic novels you would never know existed. He seemed to hide his regrets in the pages filled with ink. Yet, no one had ever really heard about him loving any person.

Isn't the most lovable, the most mysterious?

So, when James was asked by Evan, "You seem to be romantic. Have you been in love before Mr. James?". He smiles to paint away from the unshown misery, "Yeah. There were mine days too." "How did it felt?" "It felt like, leading on a broken glass but still being mirthful. Because you cherish the pain."

"haha, why? It was one-sided?" "No, but it was pure love. and often, the happiness of love for a month costs you a year of pain." "Hmm, I guess the legends didn't tell us how to un-love someone. Did they?" Asked Evan. "yes. They didn't."

Evan again was filled with questions yet to be answered. People say 'love' is the purest of emotions. But, Evan being himself, was yet to believe that statement. He perhaps had seen too many people getting out of love and then moving on with their life that he couldn't help but question the emotions called- love.

He wasn't a genius in psychology. He was more like another messed up yet curious person. The surface of a severe and gloomy personality he had, was covered beneath the most vulnerable part of him. He was just another abandon child, begging others to love him a little more.

What happens when you abandon yourself? When you lose yourself, life is a race. The race to be perfect and best. As you lost the rawest and delicate part of yours, there is no way that you will be able to be happy. Have you ever seen an abandoned kid smiling? I guess not.

.......................

Evan- "aren't you, as an English teacher. Way too much passionate?"

James- "You seem to be a bit interested in my love life, Mr. Lopez."

Evan- "why not. It's interesting."

James-"well, how about a deal?"

Evan- "deal?"

James- "You can ask me any question. In return, you will have to answer me any question I ask you."

Evan- "deal. What are you curious about?"

James-"I don't mean to cross the boundaries, but the heart attack you had that day was because of a panic attack. Mind sharing with me what cause you to have a panic attack?"

Evan tries to hide his shaking hands. He pulls his long sleeves down to cover them and clears his throat.

Evan- "I had a sister. I saw something that made me think of her."

James- "I am sorry, I didn't-"

Evan- "It's fine. I know you didn't mean to."

Evan sad chuckles, He had flawlessly covered his misery by his reserved attitude.

Evan- "Now, it's my turn. Who is the woman you speak of?"

James- "Haha, do I?"

Evan- "yeah."

James sighs as he smiles. "I once loved a woman." He said in a voice filled with regrets and persistent pain. Evan silently looks at James. "I don't want to make it a tragic story because it's the best story for me." He added. "What...was she like?" Evan asked as he tries to know more about James.

"She would always run away. She loved Chrysanthemums. Maybe, that's why I am always the 'forget-me-not' flower. I met her at the start of my life. Never deemed that she wouldn't be at the end of it." James recites his most vulnerable memory as a verse.

"Why did you both separate?" "That's another story. what about you? How was your sister like?". Evan smiles as he turns his back. "She was the most cheerful person I had ever met. she would laugh and jump all over the places at the sight of birds. She had dreams and a life she wished to live. but when did death cared about the person it's talking with?"

"Isn't this funny? How this agony of our lives joined us into this path." Said, James. "It is. Or, who would have known I will be spending mine winter here?" "Do you plan to leave this place?" "I have to. Moving on isn't an option but mandatory in life." "You aren't wrong about it."

The bell rang, indicating its time for the break to end. "I have a class now. Let's talk later again," James said as he left the music room.

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Date-7th October,

It's autumn now. The leaves are slowly shedding themselves and welcoming the beautiful yet bitter winter. I often would play songs on the radio station that would tell people to relax once in a while. Who knows, there might be someone who forgot that they had to breathe in the middle of living?

I am curious about myself these days. Even a bit angry with me. Why did I punished myself and hurt myself for someone who doesn't even affect my life? Why did I keep comparing myself for the sake of not loving myself? I wonder why.

Why do I often forget I am just another person who is trying to work-life? I wish to be free, then to be bounded with these thoughts which would serve me nothing.

Isn't pain beautiful? that is what others say. But at some point, I don't agree with it. Pain might be an art, but not beautiful. The future others talk about is pretty scary. I often feel scared of tomorrow because it's unknown to me.

But, I still have to try hard, don't I? I hope, in the middle of growing up, I don't lose myself.

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Evan closes the journal as he looks at the sky. Again with thoughts, but happiness.