2 Praise The LordOfP*ssies, The Ultimate Distributor Of Golden Fingers!
As the grim reality of my situation slowly sunk in, I absentmindedly walked back to my new bedroom in this rundown house.
My head swirled with a thousand different thoughts, but none of them really showed me a way out of this shitty situation – a way to avoid my inevitable death.
Was it really that hopeless...?
Of course, I could avoid the main character and stay 10 miles away from any woman remotely associated with him to keep him from brutally butchering me.
But even if I did that, the future apocalypse was still going to wipe out the entire planet's population – me included – within just a few years!
With the awakened protagonist out of the way, Earth wouldn't even stand a chance against those 'aliens' targeting the last remaining Starship of the Lycos Empire – which, oh-so-coincidentally, ended up crash landing on this alternate version of Earth!
'Coincidence, my ass! It's just that the creator of this world is f*cking crazy!'
Sighing helplessly, I began the ritual that almost every transmigrated character mandatorily had to perform nowadays.
"System window!"
"Open system window!"
"Status! Open status!"
Unfortunately, no matter how much I shouted or what voice-command combination I tried, no translucent window popped up in front of my eyes.
"Status window! System! Old perverted grandpa! Mysterious book! At least give me something, dammit...!!!"
To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement at this moment. But after madly shouting at the empty air in front of me in vain, I couldn't even feel frustration anymore.
Despair...
All I felt at this moment was despair, seeing that none of the cheats I read about in the online stories were bestowed upon me.
...I really wanted to cry now.
"F*ck me... Please, just let me open a system window or something, oh generous God! I even gave this novel a 5-star rating! Why would you even edit this story? It's already a masterpiece!"
Unfortunately, no matter how I pleaded or whatever cliche cheat I desperately tried to unlock, nothing seemed to work.
I was all alone in this alternate reality, left here to fend for myself without any cheats...
"...Alright, fine. If I'm going to die anyway, I should at least check everything off my bucket-list first in my last few days..."
Indeed, the past sages did not lie. Life was nothing but an illusion. I should focus on living the rest of my days as best as I can.
Everyone would have to die one day. I'll just be dying a few thousand days earlier compared to them, that's all!
"...But I should book a flight to Africa first. Those aliens will annihilate the U.S. before doing anything else, so I should be safe for some extra days there..."
With lifeless eyes, I looked around the messy room to spot where the old owner of the house kept his phone. It didn't take very long for me to notice an inconspicuous black-colored phone lying at the foot of my bed.
But as soon as I brought the phone closer, I froze in place for the second time that day.
"...W-What?"
Unable to believe what I was seeing, I rubbed my eyes for a moment in utter shock.
"...Hah, hahaha. AhahAHAHAHAHAHA...!!!!"
...It was actually MY smartphone! The one from my original world that I used everyday before I transmigrated inside this novel!
How could I not recognize this familiar story pattern?! The God who dumped me in this novel did leave a cheat for me, after all!
"No way, I now have a 'smartphone in another world'! Hahaha, if that doesn't make me a broken character, I don't know what will!"
Indeed, when I unlocked my co-transmigrated phone with my usual password, I immediately spotted a fresh, unread email sent from an unknown email address in my inbox.
'Ahh, forgive me God, for I have sinned by not believing in your boundless generosity!'
I quickly checked the contents of the literally Godly email.
[Email from <lordofp*ssies69@primordialgods.society > – 45m ago]
[Hey, how are you doing over there? Did you like my gift? I really hope you did, haha. I'm really sorry that we couldn't have a face-to-face fan-meetup with you. After all, you were the nicest and the most supportive reader I had. The publisher was telling me to hurry up with the editing, so I had no choice but to do things in a hurry.
As you might have guessed, I can't really edit the story without first destroying all the plot points and worldview that I've built up for so long. But it seems like I've spent a little too much of my energy to create and sustain that universe, you see. Ahaha, iyah, how embarrassing...!
Umm, it might be a little shameless for me to say this now, but, could you please help me in the rewrite process? Ah, why am I even asking? I already know that my number-1 fan will never let me down!
So long story short, I want you to be my new protagonist and novel-editor! My publisher will send you the formal employment contract soon. I'll always be waiting for good news from your end! Good luck!
— Your favorite Author and God, ■■■■■■■
NOTE: Uh, I know it's a bit late to say this but, since I was quite attached to the old protagonist of my story, I couldn't take him out of the story by my own hands. I don't know why the publisher wants him out of the story, but I hope you understand. Urgh... actually, you can do whatever you want with him. After all, my new number-1 fan is now more important to me!]
"..."
I quietly put down the phone on the bed, grabbing onto my head with both hands.
"...Right. I'm the number-1 fan of this novel, that's why I was dumped here. It definitely makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? I...I understand all that. But if you're going to send me here, at least tell me how to beat your original protagonist!!"
I was scared to death, damn it! And that mad God really sent me to this world just because I slightly praised his novel?!
Also, where was my cheat? Why didn't he talk about it? Or maybe the smartphone itself was my cheat...?
But I kept my mouth shut and stuffed all the curses bubbling up from my stomach back where they came from. Now that I knew who he was, I was afraid to even mention him out loud, let alone complain.
"...As expected, should I book that flight to Africa after all, just in case?"
*Ta-ting!*
My body instinctively jerked, hearing that familiar yet ominous noise of a new notification arriving on my phone.
With my hands slightly trembling, I picked it up again. This time, it was a simple notification with the logo of an app I didn't remember installing on my phone.
[Alert: Data synchronization complete. Character information is now available!]
Slightly curious about what it meant, I clicked on it.
[Welcome to the Editorial-Assistant interface!]
[Displaying Basic Item Information: An indestructible smartphone that has accompanied its user across worlds. Provides basic smartphone functionalities and serves as the anchor point for the Editorial-Assistant interface application. Additional functions can be accessed through regular software updates.]
[Displaying Basic Character Information: Damien Collins]
[Physique: 7]
[Energy: N/A]
[Charm: 8]
[Bloodline: Human (F-grade)]
[Character Condition: Hangover, Stress, Curious, Weary, Fear, Excitement.]
[Note: "Wow, is this my character window? What the f*ck, it can even read my mind..!?"]
"Woah...!"
I let out an amazed exclamation. It was really mystical how it correctly read my thoughts even as it changed real-time.
Wouldn't I be able to win the jackpot in every casino with this if it worked on others too?
The application looked just like a normal mobile game, with my avatar expressionlessly standing on the right side and my stats being shown on the left.
The upper and lower corners had a few additional buttons too. But they were written in an unknown language and currently grayed out – saying that my achievements weren't enough whenever I tapped on them.
One of the buttons wasn't grayed out, however. And the moment I tapped on it...
*Ta-ting!*
[Bloodline awakening condition has been unlocked for the character: Damien Collins!]
[Displaying Awakening Requirements....]
[Awakening Requirement #1: Cause the protagonist to fully awaken his werewolf bloodline and devour his heart. Bloodline grade will be determined by the protagonist's level of rage and hatred for the character in the moment of death.]
[Awakening Requirement #2: ???]
[Bloodline: ■■■■■■■ (Purity grade-???) – To be determined upon meeting specified conditions.]
"...What the hell?"
I thought I was about to get some nice beginner bonus or something....but what's with all these sudden suicidal requirements?!
Deliberately awakening the protagonist and then eating his heart? Do I look like I have 10 lives or something?!
There were far less painful and brutal ways to commit suicide!
"If you're not going to give it to me, just say so clearly! Why do you have to toy with my feelings?!"
Seeing the absurd requirements, I immediately gave up on trying to get a bloodline for myself.
What a joke!
If I killed off the protagonist, who was going to pilot that Lycos Empire's Starship sitting around in Area-69? Who was going to stop the alien invasion from wiping out humanity?!
I wasn't going to pretend that I was a pure and untainted saint, but directly causing humanity's extinction just to get an unknown bloodline wasn't worth the risk and moral burden.
Not to mention, I'd have to actively go and do someone else's girlfriend, let the guy know that I did it, and then go and kill a still innocent guy out of the blue.
I wasn't a cheap gigolo, dammit. I had my own standards!
[Alert: Assistance for the Editor's bloodline awakening is added to the media gallery of the anchor device.]
"I already told you I'm not—...wait."
Suddenly having an ominous premonition, I exited the mysterious application and navigated to the camera gallery app.
My fingers shook as I slowly scrolled past the multitude of colorful photos, my breath suddenly getting caught up in my throat.
"...Oh, no. No, nononono..... F*ck no! What have you done, Damien you trash?!"
My worst fears had come true...
"F*CK!!!!"
This pig-like bastard Damien had already taken down the protagonist's girlfriend once.
And the photos he took during that session to blackmail her were now on my transmigrated phone's photo gallery, showing me my death flags in a vivid full-color Ultra-HD resolution.
