21 Destroyers or Saviours

Before I even realised it I could feel tears run down my eyes. Haruto immediately questioned me out of concern but it was not something I could answer right now. I tried to play calm and continue but inside my heart was beating and my mind was racing. My face felt so hot and, to be honest, I got a bit dizzy but I couldn't let Haruto see that, it would be bad If I let go and not reign in myself now.

I tried my best to explain to him what light mana is but my mind was somewhere else. But there was one message I still had to get across. Every mage's relationship with mana is unique but there is one thing that all of them have in common. Mana isn't subservient to their needs, especially if you treat them like tools. It is an absolutely conceited notion to impose our fickle ideas and ideals on nature and what governs it. In sense, mana is the source of all living beings and treating your mother like a slave or a tool doesn't bode well.

So, I made sure that Haruto kept that in his mind.

I needed some time alone with myself so I kept rushing through all the knowledge I had of light mana as quickly as possible. All the knowledge I had gained over the years about it all condensed into a few sentences, normally it wouldn't have been plausible to do so but I knew that if I didn't compose myself when I was alone soon. I would have freely let go of the dark swamp of emotions inside me and I was scared of what would happen after.

The revelation was not a surprise to be truthful. Somewhere in my heart, I knew, and with every step I took closer to the truth...that feeling kept growing. But I was scared...How many times I had been hurt over and over and over again by that godforsaken piece of paper? How much hate and scorn did I have to go through because of that? How lonely and isolated I was forced to become because I could use light mana? How many times I had trained myself to the brink of death to prove that I wasn't a monster, but only made me more feared.

But why? why do I feel this way now? Why am I so happy I found him...All my life I had dreaded this day, the day I would meet that human. Who was it going to be, and what might they look like? For so long I did everything in my power to defy the prophecy, pretending it didn't exist. But ever since that day in the forest I hadn't even thought about it and now I was....happy that the prophecy was true.

Why?why?why?.......

My mouth was still rambling on to Haruto about Light mana but then he said he couldn't see mana anymore. I saw an opening, an excuse if you will.

The mana I had imbued in him had been depleted, we could have continued but again, I needed time alone. I told him that we had done enough practice for today and we both needed to take a bath anyway.

I told him we would meet later which was true, I had already told Serena prior to preparing the library.

I entered the bath and I had finally found some peace. I entered the hot steaming bath and the water running down my skin felt therapeutic. I closed my eyes and looked up.

Over the past two days, I had thought over the emotions I had been feeling. Not knowing what to call them but I think I have some answers now, for better or for worse.

When I first met Haruto in that forest, I was overtaken by desire. It was dark and muddy like a swamp, taking over my actions and abandoning all logic. I had an irrational infatuation throughout the past few days, and over and over again that emotion would spring up again. I pushed it down as much as I could because I was scared of what would happen if I accepted it.

I got up from the bath and changed into my gown and headed to the library.

This was just the start and if I wanted to know more about what was going on inside me, the only way was to talk to Haruto.

We spent hours and hours in the library and I just listened to Haruto tell me about himself. But no matter how much he told me it wasn't enough. I kept looking at his face again and again, my desires flaring up in bursts. I was closer to the answer now more than ever but all of that faded to the back of my mind as I looked at him. All my worries and anxiety faded away.

I made a grave mistake halfway through though, I carelessly asked him about his friends and he was elated at first but halfway through, his whole demeanour changed and my heart sank and I hated myself for making him feel that way. I knew I shouldn't pry but I couldn't help it, my desires taking control of me once more and I wished with all my sincerity and asked him to tell me. Even if I could soothe a fractional amount of his pain, it would be worth it.

When I heard him speak though, I balled my fists in rage and I could hear my teeth grinding against each other. I was holding his hand and I knew my grip had gotten stronger but I was consumed by the rage to notice.

I feel that rage can also be a calming emotion at times, it reduces you to your most primal instincts and emotions and in that moment of clarity, everything had become clear to me. Like the curtains I had placed over my own feelings had been removed.

I was an outcast, an unwanted existence...that piece of paper and the words in it dictating my whole life. I had never been selfish, or greedy, only working towards one goal...to prove everyone wrong. But I never realised that no matter what I would do, it wouldn't ever matter...the preconceived notions that everyone I had cared for had of me will always remain the same. I never even realised that somewhere in my heart I hoped with all my might that the prophecy would come true and I would destroy this world. Purely out of spite, I wanted to prove them right...

I always wondered who that human would be, would he be like me. Would he also be like me, an outcast, would he be filled with the same rage as me, would he be filled with the same pain as me? Would he destroy the world with me?

All these questions and their answers had become clear to me at that moment. I had always put a damper on them, pretending that they didn't exist, thinking that it would make me a horrible person...but subconsciously, in every waking and sleeping moment of my life I had been thinking about this. It had become a fascination without even me realising it but now everything was in front of me.

At that moment, all I could think of was why not...why should I push down these feelings and pretend to be someone I am not. Why should I not let these feelings roam free...Why shouldn't I let the darkness inside me out and be my true self? What good had being a false caricature of myself done till now? If nothing was going to change anyway, I had nothing to lose anymore either.

And all those feelings revolved around one person. At that moment I let out all the darkness in me and let it consume me. I asked Haruto if taking revenge was worth it, but I had already known my answer.

I couldn't show my true self yet to Haruto though, I couldn't scare him away. As we had dinner and continued talking, I could slowly feel him fall asleep. I put my arms around his face and placed his head on my lap and started stroking his head as he dozed away.

I smiled looking at him.

"Thank you, Haruto...without you I would have died as a mere husk of myself" I said in a whisper.

I let my true self out once again as I looked up in pleasure as felt I Haruto's lips touch my thighs. A small bit of his saliva dripped down from his mouth on it. I picked it up with my finger and licked it with my tongue and suddenly I closed my eyes as I convulsed as I was enveloped in euphoria.

I had finally found the name of the darkness inside of me and now that I let it roam free, nothing was going to stop me from getting what I want.

I bent my head down and kissed Haruto on his forehead.

"Obsession, it's called obsession....and you are my obsession Haruto. Nothing is going to stop me from making you mine now...not even you" I whispered as I looked up and closed my eyes. Looking forward to tomorrow, I had waited long enough...not anymore.

"I don't care anymore you know...It's not like I WANT to destroy the world but if ANYTHING, ANYTHING! tries to hurt us...I won't hesitate anymore. We will get our revenge and we will make everyone who hurt us pay...all you have to do is belong to me"