1 The Girl Who Wish For Death

To be direct to the point,

I died.

At that time, I was walking home from school and was unfortunately got run over by a car – it was a hit and run. The driver, scared to know if they had accidentally killed a person, decided to leave and bolt, leaving me behind, bleeding on the cold floor. Was it really unfortunate? To be honest, my life wasn't that interesting. Overall, it was a normal life. I had supportive parents, annoying little brother, caring relatives, and I love all of them.

But I guess I'm simply delusional and selfish. No matter what I do, I always feel like my life is lacking. It felt as if everyone was tied by a system.

You study. You work. You die.

I hate studying. Not because I don't like to learn, but because it's stressful. I'm aware that there are people who like it, but I'm not one of them. I don't know why, maybe I actually have some screws loose on my head. Maybe I'm crazy.

You see, I really find it hard to interact with others. Even as a 16-year-old girl, just 2 years before I officially became an adult, I still find it hard to talk to other people. It's not just about being shy. When talking to people, I often think about a lot of things. 'Will they like me?' 'Would they think I'm weird?' 'Am I doing or saying the right thing? 'Is this okay?' 'Am I doing okay?' and more.

Really, the anxiety and anxiousness just get to you.

I said I was delusional, didn't I?

I also said that maybe I'm crazy. At this point, I think I really am. Because you see – I'm obsessed with magic. Yes, magic, those supernatural, magical things that you can only see in movies, stories, and such. Even as a 16-year-old girl, I still desperately wanted to believe in them. Maybe the reason for that is because I can't find any reason to live, because I feel so empty, and because I want to escape reality. Magic just fascinates me. Although there wasn't any proof that they can actually or really exist, I still wanted to believe in them.

Then the ideas and theories of another world and parallel universe caught my attention. What made me interested in it is those manhwas, stories, webtoons, mangas, and anime I've seen. I know that they're all fiction, but I can't help but dream about them.

Imagine what it would be like if I died, then got reincarnated.

Whether heaven, hell, or another world is real, If there is actually a God out there or creator, It doesn't matter. I have nothing to lose. Even If I die and gain nothing, that is fine. Goal, dreams, purpose, I have nothing of those. Friends? Do I even have one? Love? I haven't felt such a thing yet. Family? I know they'll be fine without me. The idea of dying and just sleeping eternally doesn't sound so bad either.

I'm just tired.

Tired of being me. Tired of everything.

Maybe I should've talked to a psychologist or a therapist first then get some advice. Maybe I'm mental. I mean, nothing is particularly wrong with my life. My family is okay, I can go to school – but I hate that – I can eat three times a day, I can buy things that I like, I can eat snacks, we have a decent home, even though we're not rich, we do have money to live an average life.

But, for some unknown reason, when I think about my life sometimes, I can't help but cry.

Do you know the feeling of emptiness? The feeling of being useless and worthless? I don't really know why, but I've always felt like that. I don't even know when I started to think like this. I had a normal childhood, I was even a cheerful child. But I wonder just what is it that changed me?

Before I realized it, I had no one on my side but my family. But still, even if they're my family – I can't tell them all of this. 'If I do tell them, would they think I'm crazy?' ' Would they think that I'm just joking?' 'Or maybe they'll tell me that I don't know anything because I'm young', I thought about those kinds of things and it's really scary. That thought of disappointing my parents and them hating me scares me.

I don't even know what I want.

And I don't even have the courage to kill myself, that's why I wished – desperately – to anyone who could hear me out there and have the power to grant it,

I wished to die and be reborn.

A second chance in life.

A new beginning in another world.