1 1 Surveys, surveys, surveys, oh look, another survey, surveys, surveys
I hate this world.
How many surveys has it been? A hundred? A thousand? A hundred thousand? Even more?
I've read so many stories about the power of these surveys. Find the correct one and the main character gets sent to a world of their choosing with the powers of their liking.
A shit ton of luck is needed to even stumble on one of these surveys.
Fuck.
I'm not a lucky guy. All I can do is resort to answering every single one I find. I knew that most of these surveys are complete bullcrap, but it's my one shot getting off this braindead planet and into somewhere simply better.
It's getting too hard to live here, you know? Stupid grown up problems... they just keep growing as you age.
Same as always.
I stared at the nth survey of the day. This kind of survey was pretty rare. It only had three questions, and they were pretty broad.
[Legit Golden Finger/Cheat/Hacks Survey (For real).exe | PLEASE ANSWER THIS SURVEY, SOMEONE!]
1. What power would you like to have?
2. Why that power?
3. Does ketchup go in the fridge or pantry?
What the f—you know what? This ain't that bad.
My answers are simple:
1. An infinitely high amount of luck.
2. Because I've done so many surveys but I still haven't gotten none of my shit granted.
3. Easy. Ketchup goes in the pantry if I haven't opened it yet. If it's opened then it gets sent to the fridge.
Aaaaand sent. Phew. It's been a long day.
You know, I used to answer with some wacky answers like "give me prime Rimuru's powers" or "make me literally Batman," but something inside me snapped long ago. None of those things will get granted if I DON'T HAVE THE LUCK TO BACK IT UP! THERE'S NO POINT BEING SPECIFIC ABOUT MY SURVEY ANSWERS WHEN IT AIN'T GON' DO NOTHING.
I just want to win once...
[Survey Completed]
"Phew..." I breathed out. It's really been a long day. I spent this whole Saturday just answering surveys.
I'll do one more and go to sleep.
With that thought, I was about to click out of the tab when my computer suddenly turned off.
Not only that, even my room went dark. My lights turned off.
"Uhh..." I looked out the window. Even though I was surrounded by buildings that usually stayed lit up 24/7, all I could see was darkness. "...isn't that weird."
Then, the lights flickered back on. Even my computer was starting up again. Thank God it was a quick one. The last time power went out, it lasted for two grueling days.
I leaned back on my seat and waited for the computer to turn on. It took a bit of time. My computer isn't that good.
I opened up Firefox, planning on opening up a document with a list of surveys I've compiled.
"Restore previous tabs... well, my computer did suddenly turn off."
Whoever made that button is a real one. Five tabs simultaneously opened and loaded without much difficulty. I closed three of the tabs since they were surveys I've already answered.
I paused on one tab. "Should I answer this again? The power outage could've screwed with my answer... yeah, why not."
[Legit Golden Finger/Cheat/Hacks Survey (For real).exe | PLEASE ANSWER THIS SURVEY, SOMEONE!]
1. A superior version of the superior version of Superior Mimicry
2. Because being number 1 is better than being equal to another person.
3. (Same as previous. Unopened ketchup = pantry. Opened ketchup = fridge.)
[Survey Completed]
I'll stop here for today. It's not like I'll get my wishes granted anyway...
Two minutes later, I was snoring away on my bed.
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"Awaken, unlucky one!"
"Woah—?!"
A loud voice pulled me back from Dreamland.
"Where in the hell...?" I don't recognize my surroundings. It looked like a dark room, but it wasn't dark at all. There weren't any bulbs above me to light anything up either, so it didn't make much sense how I could still see.
I thought I was just a bit sleepy, but even after rubbing my eyes, there was still this gigantic ass lottery wheel in front of me.
"UNLUCKY ONE! I HAVE CHOSEN YOU FOR I PITY YOUR MEAGER LIFE!"
I turned to look at the source of the voice.
"Holy shit, Shenlong?!"
A massive green dragon stared back at me with glowing reptilian eyes. It was like those eastern dragons that looked like snakes, but unlike the typical snake, this one was gigantic.
"SHENLONG? I'm nothing like that shrimp," the Shenlong lookalike harrumphed. "I'm clearly bigger. Better. Mightier. More magical and more magnanimous."
"Oh, okay."
Wait, no. What kind of situation is this?!
I got woken up by a dragon. Hmm. Hmmmmmmm.
Hmm. I must be dreaming. That's it.
"Hey! Don't ignore me! I'm talking to you! Don't you know proper manners?! Bow down to the great and mighty Ddovaah!"
Ignoring the talking dragon, I plopped to the ground and tried to will myself awake. By that, I meant banging my head on the floor. It's a pretty good method to wake up from a dream.
"Good! So you do know manners, even if it is subpar at best."
But I wasn't even trying to... you know what, I'm not gonna say anything.
I found it hard to concentrate with the talking dragon being all blah blah blah I have a massive ego I can't help but flex it. It might take a while until I can wake up from this dream.
Ddovaah continued his rambling.
"Anyway, I'm here because I pity you, human. I've been watching you for quite a while, and I know that your luck is pretty much non-existent. So! As great and mighty and magnanimous as I am, I'll give you a chance to turn your pathetic life into something more!"
A sudden light washed over me. Then, I started to float.
"What the fuck?!" I screamed.
"Surprised by my power? There's more to it!"
Before I knew it, I was floating in the air with Ddovaah. I was right beside him, and with a closer look, I realized that Ddovaah was truly massive.
His vertical pupil alone reached a length that would tower over a sky-rise building. I wouldn't be surprised if he had his own gravitational force and some rocks orbiting him.
"Mortal, I will be generous and allow you to spin the Great Wheel Of Fortune! Depending on the result, you will spin the corresponding wheel!"
Ddovaah referred to the gigantic lottery wheel that I first saw. Indeed, there were sections with a bunch of words in them. Some took up a larger portion of the wheel while others were smaller. Must be some rarity thing going on, with smaller ones being worth more?
"Wheel Of Power, Wheel Of Characters, Wheel Of Catastrophes, Wheel Of Worlds, Wheel Of Torture...?"
Some of the things in there are fucking sketch. What will happen if I land on the Wheel Of Torture? That section alone took up a third of the circle.
I asked Ddovaah. He replied with, "Then you get to spin another wheel that will determine how you will be tortured for the rest of your life."
First of all.
"HELL NAH! I AIN'T DOING THIS SADISTIC BULLSHIT!"
This is one fucked up dream. BRAIN! YOU BETTER LISTEN AND WAKE ME UP NOW!
"Foolish mortal, you have no choice."
"Well, I'm not spinning it. I know how unlucky I am. You even said so yourself."
As long as I don't spin it, I'll be fine. No torture or anything. I'll just wait here to naturally wake up from this nightmare.
"As I've said, you have no choice."
Ddovaah opened his draconic maw.
"FUS RO DAH!" The sound of thunder entered my ears.
"Hey, that sounds familiar—"
As if an invisible hammer whacked me, I flew through the air. Then, I felt my head hit something hard. My surroundings immediately blurred as a sharp pain seared my mind.
"FUCK, THAT HURT! THAT WASN'T NECESSARY YOU DICK!" I cursed as I rubbed the back of my head. The only good thing was that I didn't seem to be bleeding. I mean, I guess it's not like anything that's happening right now is real. Maybe I don't need to take things too seriously.
Ddovaah, with his draconic face, somehow seemed to be smirking. Wait a second... what did I crash into?
"Shit."
The Great Wheel Of Fortune was spinning wildly.
What in the Skyrim?! That sonovabitch fus ro dah'd me onto it!
Curses flew in and out of my head, but there was no use. The wheel was spinning. It was too big for me to even think of stopping unless I wanted to commit dream suicide. All I can do is pray for my brain to be a real one and give me something good.
"Let's see, let's see! What fate shall await a mortal such as thee~?"
I stared at the spinning wheel in silence. Just don't land on any of the bad sounding ones. Please. You have one job, spinning wheel. Pleeeeeaaaaaseeeee.
The Great Wheel Of Fortunate began to slow. It used to spin so fast that I couldn't read the words on its surface but now I could. It didn't help in making me calm down though.
Slowly but surely, the spinning wheel was making its choice.
"Shit."
I swore again, realizing that the wheel would land in either the Wheel of Torture or the Wheel of STDs. What is this dog-shit luck?!?!?!
In the end, it landed right in the middle of the two choices.
Ddovaah audibly gasped. He seemed surprised by the turn of events.
Meanwhile, I was cursing the dragon even more.
This donkey literally knows about my dog-shit luck yet still decided to make me play a luck-based game? What kinda bullshit is that?! This was rigged from the beginning! Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck! You!
"I'm surprised," said the dumbass dragon.
"Nothing's surprising about this shitty result, damn it! You and I knew this would happen!"
The dragon shook his head.
"No, come and look closer."
What else is there to see? The fact that it's right in the middle? Maybe that means I get to have BOTH wheels and you were actually surprised about how bad my luck is.
Ddovaah made me float closer to the Great Wheel Of Fortune, specifically the arrow that decided my fate.
"Hey, what is that?"
"As I've said, look closer."
As I came closer and closer, I could see a very little something between the torture/std sections. I tried to read the small line of writing with great difficulty.
"The... Wheel... Of... God... And... Anime... On... My... Side?"
"Pitiful mortal... you're dog-shit luck has turned around! This is an incredible result that none of the pitiful mortals before you had ever landed on! What are the odds?!?!"
"Wait, so this is a good thing for me?"
"Indeed it is!"
"LET'S GOOOO!!!!!!!"
I pumped my fists and cheered. Winning for once feels so damn good!
The Great Wheel Of Fortune began to dissolve. In it's place were two smaller lottery wheels. They were small enough that I can spin it on my own, unlike the previous one that was probably as big as a vertical bus.
"One of them is the Wheel Of God, the other the Wheel Of Anime," clarified Ddovaah. "The former contains a part of me that you may obtain, while the other... well, it's my first time laying my eyes on it."
"I see. Wait, does that mean you're God?"
"I'm not God but a God. There's a difference, but I assure you, I'm quite up there in the hierarchy. Even Alduin will bend over if I asked him to."
A God, huh. My brain really makes some interesting characters for a simple dream.
Well then. Time to spin those wheels.
I went to the first lottery wheel: The God Wheel. With both hands, I pulled the wheel down with all my might. Then I did it again. And one more time. I kept pulling until it was spinning as fast as I can make it.
A minute later...
As my body glowed with a green glow, I muttered, "The Voice of God?"
"Ah, and I thought your good luck ended with the Great Wheel Of Fortune. You got a pretty good piece of me."
Piece of me?
Ddovaah explained.
"The contents of the Wheel Of God are those of my characteristics, whether they be my strength, speed, body, power, intelligence, personality, razor-sharp teeth, tough scales, rizz, etc. My voice is one of those things."
That sounds useless.
Ddovaah grinned, showing rows upon rows of sharp teeth. I felt a chill up my spine when he stared at me with that chilling look. "Do me a favor and read the word on this piece of paper out loud."
Out of nowhere, a piece of paper appeared before my very eyes. Like bam! It was just suddenly there.
I grabbed it and noticed that it was folded. After opening it up, I saw one word written in it.
"Yol?"
Something welled up in my chest, like I suddenly inhaled and filled my lungs with air. It was so sudden that I was breathing out before I knew it.
But what came out was fucking fantastic.
A never ending stream of green flames shot forward and doused Ddovaah who was in front of me in a dazzling inferno. Considering how massive Ddovaah was, the amount of fire that came out of my mouth was insanely high.
"Ahahaha!" Laughter erupted from inside the sea of flames. While caught on fire, Ddovaah continued to laugh, showing no sign of panic. "I knew I was strong, but feeling my own power is quite the interesting experience! I've long thought that no one could injure me in the many years I've lived, but I was wrong! The only one who can hurt me is me! Ahahahaha!"
Has he gone insane? Well, I don't care. That was fucking awesome!
I'm basically a dragon, yo!
"Now then. It is time to spin the Wheel Of Anime. Good luck."
The Wheel Of God dissolved after I used it, leaving the Wheel Of Anime on its own.
There were many options before me. Hundreds. Thousands. Tens of thousands. Some sounded cooler than the others, while some sounded pretty lame. There was even this tentacle ability thing that is definitely not family-friendly.
With so many options, the Wheel of Anime was naturally massive.
Hmm... I have a great idea.
Aiming at the remaining lottery wheel, I experimentally spoke.
"FUS RO—GAH!"
I accidentally bit my tongue.
Still, the Unrelenting Force came flying out.
The shout generated enough force to make the lottery wheel spin in dizzying speeds. No need to do the hard work when I can hardly work instead!
Although, I think it might be spinning too fast. That's concerning.
"Good to see that you learn quick! But with my Voice, the Wheel Of Anime will spin for quite some time. How about I teach you Dragon Language in the meantime? Controlling the power of your—my Voice will also make sure you don't accidentally destroy everything will also be good..."
"Hell yeah! Thanks, magnanimous Ddovaah!"
"Magnanimous? Indeed, I am! I'm liking you more and more, mortal!"
...
If I had an alarm clock, it would have surely woken me up by now if I really was dreaming. But since I've been with Ddovaah for approximately twenty years, I don't think this is all just a dream anymore.
I sure hope not. Imagine how miserable I would feel if I just wake up and discover that I can't use none of the things I've learned. That would be the worst nightmare.
Today's the day I find out if it really was only a dream. The Wheel Of Anime was finally about to come to a stop.
And it did.
"It's been a good time knowing you, Great Ddovaah. You're the coolest living being that I've ever met."
I glowed with a red light after the Wheel Of Anime stopped spinning. I wasn't quite sure how to activate my new anime power, but I'll figure them out. I'm not a big anime nerd, so I don't know about this One Piece power.
"You aren't half bad either, young Thomas. Do call if you ever find yourself in need of my help. I wouldn't hesitate the opportunity to show what I am capable of."
"I don't know if I'll need it. I have a pretty strong Voice, you know?"
"Heh, true that."
Ddovaah roared, and a portal or whatever it is opened before me.
The portal glowed strangely, its edges shifting with colors that I have never seen before. Standing near it, the air rippled with a strange energy. Space and time seemed to warp as I approached it.
"Allow me to send you off," said Ddovaah from behind. But before I could say 'Aren't you already doing that,' three words entered my ears before being sent flying through the portal.
"FUS RO DAH!" (Unrelenting Force)
And after twenty years of staying in that otherworldly realm, I crashed headfirst against my computer. I don't mind though, despite losing perhaps what costed me around $2000. In fact, I'm feeling pretty happy.
That dream wasn't a dream. It really happened.
I whispered a little fus at an empty water bottle nearby. It got flung into the wall, bounced around a bit, before landing in a trash can. My apartment building also experienced a mini earthquake, but because Ddovaah taught me control, I didn't destroy the building on accident.
That really fucking happened.
I looked out my window. It wasn't night time yet but the outside was dark. There were clouds blocking out the sun, making the cityscape fairly dark. If I'm not wrong, they were approaching storm clouds. It would rain soon.
"Lok." (Clear Skies)
That singular word came into effect. The storm clouds rapidly scattered, allowing sunlight to fall through.
A grin stretched across my face.
THAT REALLY FUCKING HAPPENED!!!!!
I put on some proper clothes and went outside. Indeed, nothing in the world had changed. The buildings were just as tall, the streets just as polluted, and the people just as fucking annoying.
"What are you looking at, punk?"
"Everything man. I'm looking at everything."
"Fuck, what are you saying? Fucking foreigners... learn how to speak English, damn it!" The man—prick who tried to start something fucked off accordingly.
Oh, I was talking in Dragon Language just now. Well, if you can't understand me, that sounds like a 'you' problem.
The world was the same. But I wasn't in the slightest. And for some reason, I'm liking the fact more and more.
I'm... pretty unique now, huh.
Maybe, just maybe, this world isn't so boring after all. Maybe it's all because I've been staying in the boring side for too long that everything seemed boring.
"Hehe... ehe... EHAHAHAHAHA!"
I couldn't help but laugh despite the questioning stares being directed my way.
Oh, what should I do now? I can probably do whatever I want! It's hard to choose when it feels like I can do anything!
While I walked, I stopped before the traffic lights. The pedestrian signal-thingy was still red, and cars whizzed by.
I can totally just cross now with a single usage of my Voice.
However, I didn't put it into action. That would've been such a dumbass move. What's the point of attracting attention other than to invite trouble into my life? I'd like to keep my peace, thank you very much.
So I waited like a normal person. I mean, waiting isn't exactly a bad thing. Nothing wrong with it. Besides, I'm in a very good mood.
"Wasn't it supposed to rain? Where did the clouds go all of a sudden?"
"I dunno. I even brought an umbrella since I saw them coming from my bedroom window. Weird, huh? But convenient kind of weird."
"Yep, it is. I forgot to bring an umbrella, so it's nice that it won't be raining when I go home. I guess I'm pretty lucky."
Two girls were talking just an arm's reach away so I couldn't help but unintentionally eavesdrop. Indeed, one of them was carrying an umbrella. It was one of those massive ones too that can fit five people under it.
I muttered a silent "your welcome" since it's all because of me that a lady can get home without getting drenched. I'm such a nice guy. Actually, could I have potentially ruined the natural weather cycle or something by forcibly screwing with it for fun? Should I bring the storm back?
*Tatatatatatata*
The pedestrian light turned green while I was thinking. Some dude bumped into me since I was standing at the front without moving. My bad. I'll walk now.
Back to the problems that actually matter: Should I bring back the storm? Did my actions possibly speed up global warming or something? Am I indirectly killing the whole of the human race because of my dumbassery?
Indeed. With great power comes great responsibility.
"HEY! WATCH OUT!"
"Huh?"
A loud voice pulled me back from my reverie and into reality. There were people staring at me with wide eyes as they waved their hands.
Some were pointing at something to my side. A woman was screaming with a high-pitched "Kyaaaaaaaa—!"
Before I could look at what the commotion was all about—
*BEEEEEEEEEEP*
—everything had gone black.
**********
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Rain.
Rain fell without rest.
I thought I got rid of the rain?
Then came the pain.
Then came the chill.
What the hell happened?
My memories were a bit hazy. I went for a walk after... right, I'm fucking amazing now. And after that... nada. I can't remember. Maybe I heard something before everything went black? I'm not sure.
Damn, my body hurts. It hurts so much.
Maybe I got into an accident. That'll explain why I feel like I got hit by a truck.
I tried to move my body. Ouch. Firstly, it hurt when I did move. Secondly, I tried to move my arms but it felt like my dick twitched instead. That's... odd.
Lemme try again. Attempt #2. Ouch.
Hey, it's alright now. I can kinda move my arms. Still hurts though.
It's been decided that I won't move in the meantime.
No, wait, actually... I have just the thing.
"Ahraan Govey." (Remove Wound—Improvised Shout)
If I was hearing right, my voice came out as squeaky gibberish. However, it is the intent behind each word that makes the Dragon Language tick. With Ddovaah's Voice Lessons 101, I don't even need to speak it at all, but it feels cooler that way.
I felt the shout come into effect. Nice. No more pain. I'm about as good as I'll ever be. It's still cold as fuck but I can handle it.
Wait. Wait a second.
"Ahraan Govey," I said out loud. Like the first time, my voice came out as squeaky gibberish. Almost as if...
My words sound like the cry of an infant.
Wtf? What kinda bullshit did I get caught in now?
"Au, au, a—" I heard more squeaky gibberish, but I wasn't the one talking. Am I not alone?
I looked towards the source. It was a baby wrapped in a swaddle. It appears that we were both lying on the wet ground without no one else in sight. Broken pieces of what I think is a wooden caravan were scattered around us. Beyond that were trees and grass and all types of nature.
So, let me sum this up real quick.
I sound like a baby (probably am), there's another baby near me, there's a bundle of wreckage around us, we're probably in the middle of a forest, and it's raining.
Weird. Totally weird. Is Ddovaah messing with me?
While I was thinking, I heard approaching footsteps.
A person?
Indeed it was, for an old man was now looking down on me. He looked massive by the way, so it was either this old man was a giant or that I was a baby. I'm leaning more on the 'I'm a baby now for some reason' conclusion.
" ☆※◇◎□○△▽ "
The old man spoke. I couldn't understand it at all.
Then, there was light. It surrounded me. Not only me, even the other baby as well.
I began to feel nice and warm and comfortable. But more than that, there was something else.
Knowledge of what this light was rushed into my brain like a shot of cocaine. No, I've never taken drugs in my life. Never. That shit's nasty. If I ever took drugs, I wouldn't have used all my time going through surveys like a man possessed—possessed by the will to get special powers.
Anyway, knowledge. It told me that this light is fucking magic. How I know? Uhh, I don't know exactly. Something is telling me that it is though, and frankly, I believe this gut feeling of mine.
From the knowledge that entered my brain, I knew this type of magic wasn't harmful. I do feel very comfortable in it, so it must be true.
It feels nice. I'll probably fall asleep at this rate...
And sleep I did, as the light of healing magic kept me warm.
