QUESTIONS & DECISIONS

I don't know if to cry or laugh.

I don't know if I'm sad or angry. This is so confusing.

I was expecting anything, and I mean anything, except this.

Funnily enough, I'm not mad at mum for making this requirement. She's right, it won't exactly be a huge inconvenience in my life. I mean, yeah, I have to move here for a bit, but it won't change my work routine much.

Except for Robb…

And it might be a good way for me to unwind, change the pace a bit.

But of course, there's also the thing of living with Chris for almost a year after all this time.

What I am indeed is very surprised. I would never think my mum would pull a stunt like this… I mean, maybe as a letter like a last-wish kind of thing yes, but not a condition for keeping the house.

I'm not even sure if she was – maybe a bit, hidden in the bottom of his intentions – trying to play matchmaking with us.

Oh, mum, you were always full of surprises, weren't you?

We might have tried to fix things on our own even without her help, right?

I was probably in the room for a while after reading this, tears still in my eyes. I'm not sure how much, but it seemed like long, so I put on a brave face and went out, soon standing in front of Mr. Knightly's office.

I knocked and got in, surprised to see Chris already here, standing in a corner looking at the window. Maybe I didn't realize it and I was there way longer than I believed. Chris turned around to look at me as I entered, and I could see his eyes red from crying too.

"I'm sorry if I made you wait, it was… A bit hard to read a letter from my mum at this moment." I felt the need to excuse myself as it seemed like an eternity since we were talking in this same spot earlier this morning.

"Don't worry, Audra, I just came in too. He understands." Mr. Knightly nodded in agreement. Chris' voice felt heavy as if it was hard to pull out the words, he moved back to the chair and I stood there, looking at him wanting to say something to console him, but failing at putting the right words together.

This was an instinct of ours almost, we always felt the need to make the other feel better, to be there for them. Even as time passed some things don't change.

"Please do not worry about that, it was to be expected. I'm okay with waiting if you need some more time…" Mr. Knightly began.

But we proceeded with our talk. It was clear that none of us were in the mood but we wanted to pull through it and get it out of the way as quickly as we could. So, we asked a few questions, not many though, and he read the full will, told us some further details and we were done.

We were supposed to stay in the house together counting since the funeral in a couple of days. It was fine if we took occasional trips but the lawyer was supposed to visit us unannounced regularly – he said like once or twice a month – to make sure we were living there and that was basically it. He also apologized because he didn't feel completely comfortable with the whole 'coming to visit and controlling us' thing, but we assured him we understand it was part of the job.

Also, we needed to notice him after the funeral if we intended to fulfill my mother's wishes or not.

We got out of the building still bewildered by the events of the morning.

You could feel our minds completely shut and blocked, both of us walking zombie-like in silence, incapable of saying a thing. When we reached the car we both stood still in front of the doors for a few minutes, my hand on the handle, but not opening it.

"What do you say we have a coffee here somewhere and talk a bit? You don't seem fully capable of driving at this moment and I'm not sure I am a reliable second option either." I finally suggest, breathing deeply as I finished.

"Yes, that sounds good" He looked around, still a bit in trance, and pointed at a coffee shop behind me "How's that look?"

"Works for me" I shrugged.

We ordered and waited in silence for a bit. The comfortable kind, each in our own thoughts. I don't know about him, but I realized that the hardest bit about this is that when you read someone's will it feels so final… And let's say the fact that there's an actual, personal letter for you doesn't help.

"I can't believe she was dying and she wouldn't tell me… I was right there the whole time and she never said anything. I could have spent more time with her, really use the time we had… Maybe we could have done something special with her, something she always wanted to do, I don't know…" He finally broke the silence, staring at the coffee he has held with both hands but hadn't touched yet.

"She wanted us to keep living our lives just as we did before. I don't think she wanted anything fancy, just seeing us happy." I finally took a sip of my coffee that was until then sitting on the table ignored.

"Doesn't it bother you? That she didn't tell us?" He asked, surprised and with a hint of indignation in his voice.

"Of course it does, Chris. But she did that because that's what she wanted, she didn't want us fussing around her all the time, she didn't want us to be sad and, most of all, she didn't want to be treated like a woman about to die. Believe me, she was already mad enough that we treated her like a sick person." He looked at me, still frustrated but he knew I was right. I felt the need to add "I probably wouldn't want that either."

"I understand your - and her - point. But it still makes me mad to know I could have done something more." He laid back on the chair and crossed his arms over his chest.

"What can I say… I'm honestly more surprised, and let's admit, slightly mad at what came after that fact." I admitted after a bit.

"The house and the whole make-up thing?" He said, pulling himself back towards the table.

"Well yes, not at the request per se, but at the whole thing. The letter and the 'legal request', I mean, she could have just talked to us. It just feels too theatrical... It doesn't feel like her…" I paused and breathed, I felt exhausted "This entire morning felt like I lost her all over again, from reading her words just as if she was back here to all of this; the will and the conditions, the decisions, the move… It feels like too much to handle, I just lost my mother for God's sake!" My voice broke at the last few words and I covered my face, trying to take deep breaths to calm down and remembering we were still in a public place but failing miserably.

"Okay, let's get you out of here." Chris came behind me and skillfully put my coat over me - pulling me up while leaving some cash on the table to pay for the coffee - all in the span of a minute, proceeding to guide me outside. "Some fresh air will help." He added, and once we were out he took me in his arms to calm me.

"Look, I know this seems like too much to handle right now. I know you've been trying to put a brave face, but it's okay to mourn, Audra." I murmured something like 'I know' that could barely be heard because of the bear hug I was engulfed in. "I will be here for you, whatever you need. Let me help you..." I nodded in response, still frozen in his arms while he rubbed my back to calm me. "I'll try to make this as easy as I can, okay?"

I pulled away surprised and looked up at his eyes.

"So, you want t- to go ahead with this? You don't think it would be too... hard?" I asked him, hiccupping a bit but calmer.

"I believe the worse part would be actually talking about the break-up. I think that would be hard for us and most probably we'll end up fighting about it." He sighed, looking at the floor and breaking eye contact. "But we can give each other some space and then try to get over it, I believe we can do it, I mean, look at us now, this couple of days we've been doing great."

"That's because we are avoiding the subject." I gave him a tired smile. "You know it would be hard, right? Being around each other so much after reviving everything…"

"Yes, I know… But mom is right, Audra, I want you back in my life. You're my only family. We shouldn't hold up this issue any further."

I looked into his eyes and saw resolution written all over his face, so right then I made my decision.

"You're right. We've grown and matured, and we definitely need to get over this." I agreed. "So, we will do this?"

"We'll do this."