chapter 9 - Neutral

The new information was difficult to digest but the first thought that crossed my mind was "ah, so I'm not useless". That must say a lot about my and my sense of self worth. They are words I perhaps shouldn't voice so instead I settled for

"Mana manipulation?"

"Yes." Xavier responded cautiously.

"Although mana manipulation is a specific power, the skill differ from person to person. More specifically, depending on your level of control and the way in which you yield it, you can do different things with it. That is something you must decide before training. Depending on whether you wish for it to be defensive, offensive or more of a neutral power will determine the way you learn to wield it."

"And when do you want me to decide by?"

"Ideally, tomorrow."

I laughed awkwardly at his response. Anyone would have known what an unreasonable request he made, especially with that deadpan expression.

"Ideal is far from reality."

"I am aware. But if you wish to train under me, you have to match my ideals. I do not have as much time to spend with you as you might think, so the sooner we begin the better."

Before even waiting for a response, he readied himself to leave. Any positive feelings I had towards Xavier were washed away as I now thought of him as an arrogant man without any manners.

"I will drop by tomorrow at the same time to hear what decision you have made. Have a good night."

He turned to smile, though it didn't reach his eyes. Anson walked by his side as the door shut behind them. I listened to their receding footsteps until all that was left was silence that was occasionally disrupted by the wind.

For a brief moment I sat without a single thought, staring into blank space. But the moment I allowed myself to think they all came flooding in. The endless questions chased me for answers I did not have. If I do have this power, what does that mean? What do I want to do with it? What do I want to do with myself? Who do I want to become? Will I be able to accomplish something now or will I remain as I have been? The future has so many uncertainties and none of them helped me understand anything.

Although Xavier asked me to think it over, and I probably should, the answer was staring back at me. It was the easy way out, given everything weighing me down. To train in defensive or offensive sounds very much like a specialisation to me. With such a thing comes expectations I cannot hope to meet. It must be some sort of conditioned response to hear those two words and imagine warriors.

I am not a warrior.

Neutral is a word that attracts me far more and may even be more fitting than anything else. It is a middle ground in everything, something that is not strongly one or the other. It is a person so average that they draw no attention.

It is grey, in the way I am.

Despite occasional anger-fueled grandiosity, I am not a person to achieve greatness. Not that training in a specific way would guarantee that, but again I am neutral. I am good enough to pass something but not good enough to excel. I can have social interactions well but cannot maintain relationships. I live most of my life in my head and yet know nothing about myself. Even with the greatest efforts, my position will remain unchanged.

Nothing fits me better than the word neutral, because it is boring.

I can't imagine myself in the future, let alone doing something grand like protecting the kingdom or its people. None of this is mine to begin with. It's quite depressing to think about so I try not to, but even I am aware that memories of my past life are gradually being replaced by new memories. Technically speaking they aren't being replaced but they might as well be. Information I read from the archives are registering as my own memories while my real ones are disappearing. The world is forcing itself on to me while ridding me of what makes up who I am.

I still hope to one day wake up, but I'm no longer sure what it is I would wake up to. I can't remember if I used to be happy and enjoy life, whether I had hobbies or friends, and my relationship with my family. Everything was so far away and I no longer felt that I owned anything. For lack of better words, I was detached. Nothing belonged to me but that might be a good thing. It meant that if I was to one day wake up, I wouldn't be torn by the sudden loss as I had been previously. However, if I lived forever as an alien of sorts, I wouldn't feel the fulfilment I long to. Since life always came with positives and negatives, I want my life to be the middle ground.

I will be the constant, the neutral, that is so common it's overlooked and taken for granted.

It's strange how contradictory my mind can be. How can I assert my wish for ordinariness while also celebrating my newly named power for it's usefulness? I wish I knew what it is I long for. But since I do not, I will focus on calmness. I want my life to be steady and uneventful, quiet but in a peaceful way. Quiet. For that to happen I must also remain silent about my actual abilities, not that I can use them yet.