Part 2. Dead Ghoul. Chapter 1: Life After Death

Advanced chapters:

patreon.com/FanFictionPremium

Give me the stones.

Enjoy reading.

---

15 August 1025 in the Imperial calendar.

What is insanity? No... the question is wrong. What are madmen like? After all, figures like Leonardo Da Vinci, Vincent Van Gogh, they were all insane in the eyes of the people of the times, yet they were actually geniuses born in the wrong time. What do I know about time, though? Even after travelling through so many worlds, I've learned absolutely nothing. Though no... Touka was right when she told Kaneki and me about him being a fool. However, at that time, he was acting at my behest... Heh... funny. In every world, I've been called a monster or a madman. Magnolia's newspapers, the people burning alive in Tristain's palace, Krul and that girl, Amon, the people of Capital City...

They were all talking about my madness, which was true, but I didn't see it. I just thought it was the right thing to do. I was following someone's invisible instructions. The monster inside me? Or am I the monster? Heh, it's kind of weird to hear myself say that.

On the other hand, it's true. How many have I killed already? Thousands? Tens of thousands? How many of them were innocent, peaceful people? And the children?

There are, of course, far more important things than thinking about my madness. Love, for example. What is that? That's probably the simplest question of all. Take Akame. What would I do for her? Although... considering I died for her... Yeah, she wasn't worth it. Just like the rest of them. Promises are promises, but life is more precious. Though... I am now, aren't I, somehow, reflecting? Or is this what follows death? Or is it hell? Because if you think about life for a few years, you become a hater of mankind. You mean a demon? And then what? You go to Earth as a nightstand leg and then you hit people on their little fingers? They get angry, and anger makes the demon grow in power. Next, it, like a pokémon, goes up another rung, becoming a complete nightstick. Bolts start to come loose, boards start to rot, handles start to break, and socks are carried piece by piece to hell where demons run around in them. People get angry, fight, and the nightstand becomes a mirror. The abandoned girl, in tears, looks into the mirror, where the demon whispers to her to jump from the third floor. The guy, on the other hand, also gets word from the demon, but not intrusive. He goes to catch pokémon in Russian temples, where he is beaten by grandmothers, special forces arrive and knit the loser, who decided that he is free to do whatever he wants in Russia. And it is not so, because demons do not slumber, and sit even in the legs of the president's bedside table. Sooner or later he succumbs to influence, and... well, okay. Let's get back to the original topic. Although no, we can add that the loser has cunning like-minded people who go to catch pokémon in Ukrainian temples, where grandmothers are just as fucked up, but not so brave.

So, about Esdes. I mean Akame. But it doesn't matter. There's almost no difference. They use the love of men to sacrifice themselves for them, and then they just find a new "shield" to throw away if necessary, and then find a new one. But with children it is already different. Spinoffs are forced to forever coexist together, which generates hatred. And, as a result, children grow up into bastards who kill, smoke, drink, get high, fuck, rape, and so on. All of this, increasingly sponsoring these sections of the business, which further kills humanity. So, people are raising demons on their own?

Magic. I remember a famous demon, as I understand it now, saying, "friendship is magic", or something like that. So, all magic is the spawn of demons? That's what it is, though. Oh, so I'm a saint? I'm not a magician. Or... I'm confused.

***

21 August 1025 Imperial calendar.

Hunger. We're always hungry, even when we don't realise it. Hunger inside. We crave to kill, to inflict suffering, we pine for blood, for a bloody knife in our hands, or... in our stomachs. After all, masochists... No, that's different. That's where they love pain, not death. Or are they reborn demons?

- What do you think about that?

- Demons are everywhere. - replies my copy, then moves the queen to B-1, checkmating my king.

- I agree. - I nodded, closing with my rook.

- Madness exists for the sake of death, or for the sake of demons. Death is the becoming of a demon, and the birth of life is the expression of heaven. The angels hope that they can lead a man into the priesthood, however... the demons come.

- Madness exists for the sake of demons. They are the source, they are the host, they are the people.

- Humans are pathetic. They hide their desires, but the Ghouls do not. They quench their desires without trying to hide them.

Maybe I am a Ghoul. I mean, I always have been. Always doing whatever I want. Killed whoever I wanted. Is that what insanity is?

- No, it's more like you and me being crazy.

- Hmm. What if that's what this is?

- I don't get it.

- A paraplegic. - I chuckled. - How cliché. What if this is all our glitches? All these worlds?

- Maybe. - I shrugged.

Perhaps pain is what madness is. A formless something, incapable of anything but thinking. Or is it death? Or have I thought about it before?

***

25 August 1025 Imperial calendar.

Hunger. I'm hungry. All I want to do is eat. Eat them all, I want to eat them all! Akame, Kurome, Esdes, Leone, Mein, Shelly, Lubbock, Wade, Balls... Why have you abandoned me? Why won't you share your flesh?

Let yourselves be devoured? Why are you running away, Akame?

- Monster. - whispered softly by the assassin standing in front of me. - You only dream of killing.

- Akame... why are you running away? - I raised my eyebrows in incomprehension, and then lunged at the girl.

A strange feeling of a muffled jolt visited my chest, but I paid no attention to it, snatching chunks of meat from Akame with a snarl, eating, almost without chewing.

I grinned stupidly at the blackness that was everywhere. Everywhere. It surrounded me on all sides, giving me no chance of escape. The hunger was gone.

- So I ate you, my favourite Akame. - I said cheerfully, after which I burst out laughing heartily. I laughed for a couple of minutes until I noticed a vague image in the distance.

It was blurry, but I could still make out a female figure with long, brown hair. The next moment, the girl was right in front of me, but she remained just as hazy.

- So, silly big brother, have you found a girl yet? - I heard a vaguely familiar young female voice in my head.

- Yul, you're annoying, you'll find a boyfriend, then you'll tease me. - another voice appeared in my head, but it was a man's. Is he mine?

- Actually, I've already found one. - said the girl cheerfully.

- WHAT? - I screamed.

There was an initial silence, after which I sat motionless for a couple of minutes, waiting for a continuation. However, there was none.

- I had a sister..." I said quietly into the void, lowering my gaze to my hands. Bloody hands. - Yulia... Mum... Dad... What were their names? - Suddenly, my heart paled, and I frantically started trying to shake their names out of my memory. - What were their names? What were their names... their names... I can't remember.

***

??? August 1025 in the Imperial calendar.

I sat on a wooden chair, staring into the void. Darkness still surrounded me. How long had I been here? I remember thinking about death? Could this be it?

I never remembered their names. I don't remember my parents' names. I don't remember anyone's. We had a husky, but I don't remember his name either. Friends, fellow students... no one. I remember exactly no one.

Nothing. Absolute emptiness. Only small glimpses. Why is that? Punishment for my actions? Or is it just a coincidence?

How pathetic I am.

***

Time is unknown.

I've often wondered what happened to the people I left behind on Earth. I wonder what happened to me. Did I disappear from the world? Or, did my body just go "stale"? It's weird. I haven't even thought about them in years... Weird.

***

Sometimes people make mistakes. But no one's ever been more wrong than me. I'm completely lost in the madness.

***

I rubbed my aching chest as if it were an injection, gradually watching the sky turn grey. The floor was getting lighter and lighter as well, gradually growing small, grey blades of grass.

- You have survived another important stage of your life. - came a voice behind me.

I turned around, and found myself looking at a guy, about 17-18 years old, looking at me with a slight smile. He put his hands to the back of his head, and his brown eyes sparkled with mischief.

- Who are you?" I asked in surprise. Everyone I'd met here before didn't have such a funny demeanour.

- Me? Well... remember the girl who ruined your life and killed you once?

The image of that blue-haired bitch came to mind, and I nodded.

- Well, I'm her brother. - shrugged. - And I'm here to tell you two pieces of news. No, three! One. You're still alive.

I raised an eyebrow sceptically, waiting for him to continue.

- Your body has mutated, and as a result, you've lost your shape, unable to control it, but in principle, soon enough you'll finally get used to it, and you can become an unplanned Frankenstein creation in a skirt. Second. My sis won't bother you anymore, I... let's just say I scolded her by banning sanctions against you.

- You're just another glitch. - I grinned sadly. - I'm dead, and... are you a demon?

- No." my companion chuckled. - if only morally. Well, this has gone on long enough, so I suggest you go back.

- Go back? - I questioned incomprehensibly.

- Back to Earth. You'll wake up in your bed, kiss the girl sleeping next to you, and then go to work, wondering if all this really happened and if it was a dream. And in time, finally forget your adventures ...

I wondered. Go back? Is he serious right now? Although, if he really is that girl's brother, and he nailed her, then... he really could. However... Based on his own words, I'm alive and can return.

Hm...

- I see. - The guy nodded in satisfaction.

- But I haven't..." I started, but the guy disappeared without a trace.

***

No...

The greyness was fading fast, leaving the darkness behind.

- No... Please don't disappear! - I shouted helplessly, trying to grab the colours with my hands. But they didn't pay much attention to me, fading away into nothingness.

Once again, I found myself in the Darkness. I sank to my knees with a thud, and something wet was sweating out of my right eye. I looked in the mirror that had sprung up by itself, and recoiled from my reflection.

The left eye was filled with blackness, and the scarlet pupil glittered madly in the darkness. His mouth was slightly bloody, and a strange smile lit up his lips. The clothes were also covered in blood, and now, it was a coat of an indistinct colour due to the blood. And the left eye was twitching convulsively, as if trying to get out of the eye socket and escape from the monster that I am. However, it only succeeded in shedding tears that ran down my cheek.

At some command, I turned around, and saw a terrible picture that took my breath away. One after another, lay the devoured bodies of the Apostates. Closer to me were Shelly and Balls, but farther away were the bodies of Wade, Leone, Myne, Lubbock, Kurome, and Esdes. The last, with glassy, dead eyes staring at me as if to say, "Why?"

But worst of all was the last one. Over Akame's body, eating it, crouched a... creature. Black chitin covered its entire torso, making it look terrifying. White hair protruded from its head, and at that moment, the creature turned its head 180 degrees, and its neck crunched terribly.

My face, with two darkness-filled eyes, was twisted in a ghastly smile, though more like a grin. 2 scarlet pupils gleamed, and at that moment he was right in front of me, wrapping his arms around my body.

I started to fight back in horror, but I couldn't even move his hands. They slowly made their way to my spine before grabbing onto it and yanking sharply. The pain flooded me, but the scream was silent, and I just couldn't pass out.

As I fell on my back, I saw the monster leaning over me, and it opened its mouth to bite off a piece of my face, but.....

It was gone. The pain, the Ghoul, everything. A calmness came over me, but in the next instant, Akame was standing over me with her guts hanging out of her stomach.

- Monster. - she said clearly and coldly. - I hate you. You killed everyone.

- Akame..." I whispered in horror, and tried to reach her with my hand, however....

The girl struck her. My wrist was pierced with a pain so intense that I screamed.

***

- Monster. I'm a monster. - like a mantra, I repeated, sitting in front of my favourite girl's corpse. The small pieces of meat were still in my mouth, but I couldn't spit them out.

- Dangerous... Everyone who comes near me will die..." I said, almost crying. But no, tears are flowing.

- Where are we? - I heard a woman's surprised voice from the right.

I turned my head with difficulty, and was stunned. In front of me stood three people. The girl and the guy were clearly related, as they both had white hair and scarlet eyes. By the way, the guy had a scar under his left eye, from an obviously crooked sword. The third had heterochromia with one scarlet eye and a second yellow eye, but her hair was black. The girls were dressed in some sort of school uniform consisting of Black cloaks, flesh coloured waistcoats and white shirts, but the guy's outfit was different. A white shirt was also visible, but it was covered by a thin, black scarf. The light black jacket was buttoned, and the sleeves, along with the shirt sleeves, were rolled up. The belt, however, stood out with a large iron ring. It was also worn over the jacket.

At the sight of me, the trio instantly tensed up, and black and orange swords appeared in the hands of the guy and the white-haired girl.

- Run. - I said sadly.

Trinity, such words clearly did not expect, but the tension did not disappear.

- Who are you? - The guy asked, but immediately, a strange green portal opened beneath them, strangely familiar to me, and then the trio disappeared into it. The portal closed, and I went back to my thoughts.

***

Darkness. Nothing but darkness. With each passing moment, my head was getting heavier and heavier, which was disrupting my thoughts.

I guess everyone's life has some degree of longing for something ethereal afterlife, away from the mundane, monotonous events of everyday life. The end of the world is inevitable for every world. It's just that everyone has his own, personalised one. When you realise that the body is not eternal, and life is fleeting, you begin to feel that all this concrete-social everyday life is an illusory paradox, and death is mystical. It is an inevitable exit from the matrix, a leap into the unknown. And no matter how grey a person is, this mysterious "transition" he cannot avoid. However, all this is behind the huge cross, under the name of "immortality", that rests on my life.

We understand somewhere deep down how important death is. For the individual, it is the end of the world - the colossal, inevitable and most important event of life - its denouement. It is at this moment that fireworks, fanfares and drumming should deafen the whole world. After all, something must mark this global event for the individual? It's just that people die so quietly that perhaps only talk of the end of the world reminds us of how mystical and global death really is in the context of life. That said, humans have always been like this. Many people claim that they have a HEA at the bottom of the recesses of their souls, but that's still not true. Everyone thinks they are important to those around them, even if they claim otherwise. And, ridiculous as it may seem, he really is important. For relatives, acquaintances... But sometimes, on the contrary, we die for their sake.

We prefer not to think about death, not to notice it. We shielded death with darkness, dressed it in a black hood and handed it a huge scythe - an instrument of murder. For us she is a scary bony old woman, bringing something very bad and dark. But, for me personally, she's a caring mother, which just sends us into a new cycle of life.

I don't know why, but Castaneda was right - people live as immortals. I don't know how I know about this statement, most likely from my first life, but whatever. We worry about some silly things, make cascades of plans for years ahead, as if this game has no end, but only an endless swarming in everyday life. And in this endless fuss we allow ourselves to ignore the life happening here and now. We will have time. After all, there is a whole "eternity" ahead. But immortality is kind of horrible. I hate it. I'm forced to stay in the Darkness forever. And if I get out, everything will be destroyed. Because I'm a monster.

We're just used to it. But there's a part of us that remembers what it's really like. And I just know what I am. A monster that can only kill. So maybe this is the punishment for all my sins.

***

In loneliness most people have such a tricky feeling, as if nothing new will ever happen in this life again, as if everything bright and loaded with meaning at this moment disappears from reality forever. At the same time we feel that knowledge and light of sense can only come from outside, as if we ourselves are such an empty and dark box, and all the best that we have is received from others. And when we are alone with ourselves, all our "superimposed" light immediately begins to dissipate.

Loneliness is a shortage of impressions, which is really like holding one's breath. And loneliness, like breath-holding, can be "trained" by keeping the comfort of being alone with oneself for longer and longer periods of time.

Humans, as it is commonly said, are social animals. It is difficult for them in loneliness simply because they associate all the brightest in themselves with other people. In loneliness, even the most beautiful and useful things lose their meaning, and merge with lifeless walls. Once, such thoughts have already visited me, after which I dismissed them as nonsense. But now I realise it's even more delusional than I thought. Loneliness is a good thing. Because monsters should be alone and die alone.

***

Thoughts... no. Я. Nothing. I can't. Do.

It's a funny feeling. Like... I'm being changed. Like I'm changing.

- What is madness?

- It is death.

- What is death?

- It's a necessary procedure.

- What is it for?

- To create a balance.

- Between what?

- Between monsters and humans.

- Why?

- Because monsters should be killed by humans.

- Is that our point?

- No.

- Whose?

- Earth's.

- Humans are the monsters, aren't they?

- They're just the beginnings. They rarely kill in the numbers of true monsters.

- And us?

- We are the predator among monsters. Their greatest asset. Their strongest link.

- Then why did you want to kill their womb? Their father?

- Because we don't tolerate competition.

- That's right. That's right. - I nodded to myself in satisfaction.

A crystal chess table appeared between me and my reflection.

- Shall we play a game?

- The dead don't play. - My reflection shook his head

- I agree. - Then my opponent's white pawn moved two squares forward.

***

Dying... I can feel my death. It's coming for me. It's like I'm shrinking. It's a strange sensation. Is that what death feels like? That's funny. Have I found my end? Funny, I've destroyed thousands, slaughtered settlements, devoured demons, killed rulers, destroyed countries, killed loved ones... And as a result, died in the void.

My eyes slowly closed, whereupon, my inner world began to crumble. The blackness was falling apart, leaving only a white void.

***

I opened my eyes... and was confronted with the sight of other eyes. My vision was blurry, so I didn't even realise where I was, but judging by the nearby walls, it was clearly some sort of basement.

- K-K-Kaneki? - I heard Dorothea's faint, trembling voice.

Whoa. What? Another glitch?

My gaze flickered to the blurry figure of the blonde girl, and with a little effort, I wheezed out:

- Dorothea? - and then fell back into the darkness.

***

Yeah. It was another glitch. I was back in the darkness. Kneeling down, I grinned stupidly as I began to methodically grind my wrists. I want to die. I really want to die. I beg you, let me die!

***

Once again, time crawled slowly and leisurely. Again, I began to think about life. More like death. However, at some point, it all stopped. My body began to fill with life, and I ran.

I ran through the darkness, with a cheerful smile. I ran and ran and ran. After which an unknown door stood in my path. I eyed the brown, wooden door with mild interest, just standing in the middle of nowhere.

"Madman." - popped into my head as I, hoping for a scene from some film, opened the door. And it yielded a result.

Darkness. There was solid darkness in my eyes. However, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see my hands or feet. My body ached terribly and my head was literally cracking at the seams, but I didn't care much. I was just enjoying the new sounds.

- Are you sure? - came an unfamiliar, female voice.

- I'm positive. - came a more familiar voice. Wait. It's Dorothea!

- And he's handsome, it turns out..." the stranger giggled.

- Fuck you. - I wheezed out loud.

There was some kind of commotion, as if someone had hit someone, and then there was movement around me.

- Kaneki, can you hear me? - I heard Dorothea's unexpectedly gentle voice under my ear.

- Fuck you, too. - I wheezed repeatedly. - water...

But instead of water, I got some flesh in my hand. You've got to be kidding me, I asked for....

Suddenly, there was a strange crunching sound, and strength poured into my body. And in the next instant, a grey ceiling appeared above me.