HP: The Big Bad Wolf

Bailed, gives a lazy guy a few wishes and sees how it works out. That is all that is required to comprehend the story if one wishes to engage in its reading. Picture is an AI art done by 3D1viner on DeviantArt. If the dude complains, I will change the picture!

Ikaru5 · Book&Literature
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43 Chs

Chapter 05: Bitch, You know I’m Sexy

[Part 01: I am looking great.]

The day was still young after I penned that letter to my Grandfather, and so I decided to return to my room in the Dungeons.

"Fuck me!" I suddenly cursed as I nearly jumped out of my skin when I suddenly saw the Basilisk showing up on my map. The damn big ass snake seemed to be taking a stroll every now and then.

I did my best to forget about its existence as best as I could and hurried back to the Slytherin common room. The room was empty, and I didn't waste time enjoying the decoration or layout of it.

It felt cold, even though it technically wasn't. Perhaps it was the underwater location that gave off that vibe. Anyway, the greatest thing about it is that we have this massive aquarium, which is actually the entire damn lake, and finally, there is my room.

'Actually, it cannot be called an aquarium, right?!' I thought to myself the very first time I saw it, because it is the other way around. They are not in our room, we are inside theirs.

My room is a shithole, no doubt about it. As a half-blood, I didn't get the level of luxury that others enjoyed. Despite the empty space in the castle, as we don't have enough students to ever fill the place, I ended up being placed in one of the smaller rooms, out of spite, perhaps. But at least I didn't have to worry about a roommate, as no one wanted to share a room with me.


It's amusing how most people in Slytherin are aristocrats, or of aristocratic ancestry, and this is probably why they're often hated or not well-liked. And also why they label those who mingle with the other houses as traitors!

Even though the term "pureblood" is utter rubbish, there's some logic to it. The people in this house represent the next generation of high society, the beating heart of magical Britain, so to speak.

Their families have been setting the rules long before anyone else came along, and those who join the house typically have money or connections. Otherwise, you need some other way to worm your way into the inner circle of power.

In my previous life, people assumed that the houses were more about the individual, but in reality, it's about the circumstances. When Harry chose Gryffindor instead of Slytherin, he showed that he's a hero and not a ruler, and that alone made everyone breathe a sigh of relief, including Gandalf.

The House of the Snakes is all about amassing power, the Ravens all about amassing knowledge, Gryffindor all about personal glory, and finally, Hufflepuff all about interpersonal relations.

I dismissed the unnecessary thoughts and moved towards my table, placing the book I got from Malfoy on it.

"Let's see," I said as I planned how to approach this book-eating shit.

"Geminio!" I cast the doubling charm because if I decide to consume books from the library without a plan, I'll be ass fucked sooner or later. After all, the book will disappear after I'm done with it.

A perfect copy of the book now lay beside the original one. I placed my hand on it with the intention of devouring it, and then I experienced something very disturbing.

A mouth opened up on my palm, reminiscent of Deidara's, and a large tongue emerged to grab the copy of the book, swallowing it whole.

"I usually prefer actual books to magical copies, but knowledge is knowledge! And I am not a picky eater." the mouth in my palm said before disappearing.

"Da fuck was that?!" I cursed, annoyed. I thought [Book Eater] was a metaphor, but this is quite literal—how a book gets eaten, and the damn thing even complains.

The only bright side is that now I possess all the knowledge within that book as I've learned it by heart, all in a mere 3 seconds.

"I will abuse the shit out of this skill, but I need to get used to having that thing around," I said with mixed feelings.

I moved on to try some of those spells on myself, and by the end of it, I was finally looking like a proper human, not some dude who hasn't left his room for the last decade.

First, I bleached my teeth and applied the sparkle to them. Next was a nice haircut, followed by a spell that makes me smell like pine, but in a less nuanced way. I liked the smell while I was having my walk in the forest and decided to have it on me.

I also cleaned my pores, did a bit on my eyebrows, and took care of my sleepless look. In the end, I went from a 4 out of 10 to a solid 8 1/2 out of ten.

"Damn, magic is awesome!" I exclaimed when I looked at myself in the mirror.


The only reason I am not, yet, a ten is my clothes, or my attire as the Brits love to call it. They still show that I am a poor sod, and I will remedy this during the summer somehow.

After I finished eye-fucking myself in the mirror, metaphorically, I decided to share my beauty with the plebs in my house and walked out to laze for a few minutes in the common room.

But just as I entered the place, I saw someone and froze, feeling as if my magic or the wolf in me were going haywire. My whole body was heating up, while my throat was drying up, and making me feel thirsty.

'What is this feeling?' I wondered to myself.

I looked over once again toward the girl I was checking out, and there it was—this feeling of longing mixed with obsession.

Well, she is hot like a more voluptuous Natalie Dormer, but no reason to feel this hardcore about her.

'Fuck! What is this feeling?' I moved toward one of the armchairs and tried to sit in it, only to realize it was already taken by some nobody.

"HEY!" the nobody in my armchair shouted as I tried to sit on him, the fucker should be grateful I am willing to use him as my cushion.

'Motherfucker!' I cursed mentally as I grabbed him by his collar, lifted him up out of my chair, and threw him to the side before taking my seat and refocusing on stalking my girl.

"Narcissa..." I heard someone calling her name, and I remembered who she is.

'Narcissa Black!! I will make you mine! I will bend you over and fuck you hard enough to make all your ancestors orgasm when you come!' I felt like I had imprinted or zinged or whatever monsters like me do in other fiction, but on the most unlikely and problematic candidate.

"Hey, Asshole!" I heard someone addressing me, and when I looked up, I saw some unsightly dude cock blocking me from fantasizing about my Narcissa.

"You are disturbing me! For your sake, I hope it is important; otherwise, I will do unimaginably cruel things to you for your audacity," I said with undisguised annoyance, and from the corner of my eye, I saw Narcissa looking over to see what the commotion was about.

"You stole my SEAT!" the nobody said, pointing at the armchair I was sitting in.

"Oh, did I?" I replied in mock shock before standing up, and only then did the motherfucker notice that I was trouble given form and body.

Just as he tried to pull out his wand, my hand shot for his throat.

"Listen up, MAGGOT! WHEN I TAKE YOUR SEAT, YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL BECAUSE IT MEANS YOU'VE GOT TASTE! But what you shouldn't do is bitch about it!" I said, pressing hard enough to cut off his air supply. I held him a few seconds extra until I was sure he had passed out, then I dropped him and returned to taking my seat.

[Part 02: I am a STALKER!? Sue me, Bitch!]

For the remaining days of my last week at Hogwarts before the start of the Holidays, I found myself a new hobby.

Using my superior senses, I stalked my prey, and no matter where she hid, I always accidentally stumbled into her path.

I could smell her shock, annoyance, amusement, and even anger when she finally started to understand what I was doing.

Eventually, I found myself standing before the train, and I couldn't help but wonder about the usefulness of such an invention. I mean, sure, it looked interesting, but why?

There are different and faster means of travel, and the whole act of using the train station was just an unnecessary risk, as well as the entire train. I doubted the railroad was spelled to disappear and become invisible, right?

Humans go camping, tracking, and engage in other activities in the forest, like fucking, and this would lead them straight to either Hogsmeade or the train station where they'd ask questions and discover the problem.

'Nothing is more romantic than giving her the wood in the woods! Hahaha...' I say to myself, amused by my own genius sense of humour.

I enter the train and home in on the familiar smell of my girl Narcissa, and when I pull the door of the compartment open, I hear the crunch of splintering wood!

"Oh, seems like the door is broken!" I say as I pull out my wand and repair it.

"Great, there is still room in this compartment. Mind if I join you guys?" I ask, nonchalantly entering before they can deny me.

"Oh, Regulus; How are you doing, mate?" I ask the other Black who is in the compartment and whom I recognize.

"Who are you?! The door was spelled to deny entry!" I hear a very annoying bitch talking to me. I turn around and look at the source of my new annoyance and see a girl with blonde hair, and surprisingly good looks, standing in my face pointing at my chest.

"Severus Snape," I assert, "And the door wasn't spelled; it was broken. Otherwise, how did I open it up? Also, isn't it good manners to introduce yourself first before asking for someone else's name?" I inquire, a hint of shock in my voice."

"Olivia..." Narcissa begins, but is cut off by Regulus, who starts to say, "Miss Selwyn..."

"Did you say Severus Snape?!" the blonde interrupts, seeking confirmation. I'm aware that blondes are stereotypically associated with being less intelligent, but one would think she could at least process what I say, right?

"Indeed I did," I confirm, settling myself comfortably next to Regulus.

"Do you want to sit with us, Severus?" Regulus asks.

"Sure, I hope I am not unwelcome," I respond, taking the seat next to Regulus.

"So you're the stalker Narcissa was telling me about?!" Olivia says, her tone dripping with snark.

"Indeed, that I am! But who wouldn't stalk such a beauty once he falls for her?!" I retort with a smirk, flashing my most sparkling smile.




I hear different reactions from the three people, which only adds to the amusement.

Narcissa seems amused by my confidence and the way I'm presenting myself, despite her annoyance at me.

The blonde, Olivia, appears annoyed, likely out of envy that I'm not paying attention to her but instead fixated on Narcissa.

And finally, Regulus is probably concerned or uncomfortable, given the fact that, well, I am indeed a stalker.

"So what are the relations here? I know Regulus is the younger brother of that douche Sirius, but how are you related to this beauty and this annoying one?" I ask Regulus, nodding and pointing towards the ladies.

"Your manners are horrendous!" Olivia interjects, clearly annoyed.

"I am an orphan and a half-blood, get over it. Be happy I know how to talk and read," I reply, feigning shock.

Regulus takes the lead in introductions, saying, "This one is my youngest cousin, Narcissa Black! And this beautiful lady is my fiancée, Olivia Selwyn."

"It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, my lady," I say, directing my charm towards Narcissa. Then, turning to Olivia, I add, "My condolences about your future, Regulus."


"I will fucking kill you!" Olivia snaps, her voice dripping with venom.

"Haha, I am kidding, calm down, little lady. Regulus, your fiancée is a real spitfire," I say to Regulus, who looks a bit unsure about how to react.

[Part 03: A very long drive...]

After some time in the compartment, Narcissa, Olivia, and even Regulus warm up to me, and how could they not? I am lovable, bitch!

"So did you do it?" Olivia asks me.

"What do you mean, Miss Selwyn?" I respond, feigning innocence.

"Did you relieve yourself on Sirius?" she asks, her tone serious as all three sets of eyes focus on me.

"Well, he kinda forced me into it. I don't know how to explain it, but Sirius is sick in the head! He has the weirdest tastes in the world. He and his friends cornered me, and I was forced into that situation. I'm the victim here!" I explain, trying my best to keep a straight face.

"Mr. Victim, that isn't exactly the story that's going around," Narcissa interjects, her voice dripping with amusement and a hint of anger.

"Oh, then please, Mrs. Black, do enlighten me. What's the latest gossip?" I ask, hoping to keep the conversation going.

"Apparently, you've ended your obsession with the Mudblood girl from Gryffindor, beaten up my cousin and his friends all on your own, and then went on to humiliate him," she says, a mix of amusement and irritation in her tone.

"Well, Let's assume I did take on four people on own, and even won, then I'd say he had it coming! A pure-blood that discards his own roots and assumes he's hot shit, while the only reason he's not yet expelled for his open bullying of my person for five consecutive years is the name he carries. Let's say I did what the rumors say I did, then I probably did it to show the idiot that without his illustrious name, he's nothing to me," I reply confidently.

"Haha, indeed, without the name Black and all that comes with it, Sirius is nothing!" Olivia adds, joining in the conversation.

"Just think about the hypocrisy of their ways! A group of pure-bloods joining together in Gryffindor and terrorizing me, a half-blood, while showing themselves as less antagonistic towards Muggle-borns as the other PureBloods," I explain, highlighting the idiocy of Sirius's life choices.

"You don't seem to be insulted by the term Mudblood?" Regulus notes from the side.

"What is there to be insulted about? If I allowed others to insult me based on my starting point, I'd be an idiot! I much rather hope they'll keep doing it and not notice when I overtake them," I respond confidently.

"Ambitious, aren't you?" Narcissa asks from the side.

"I am in Slytherin! Isn't that what our house is famous for?" I retort with a sparkling smile.

We spend the whole ride talking about the many pieces of gossip flying around about my person, as well as mundane stuff about school life.

Narcissa even compliments me on my looks, and tells me that I am much more pleasing to the eye now than before, which gives me blue balls as I cannot take her then and there.

[Part 04: Money makes the world go round!]

Somehow, our conversation ended up on the topic of wealth and its acquisition. Well, I must confess, I was the one who steered it in that direction.

"Hey, Regulus, why is it that adult half-bloods and Muggle-borns never ever end up wealthy? I mean, couldn't they establish themselves in the Muggle world and then bring their wealth into the magical world?" I inquired.

"Huh?! That's not feasible!" Regulus exclaimed.

"Muggle currency holds no value in the magical world, and their possessions, like metals and jewelry, are of little interest to us! Technology is also a no-go as it doesn't work around magic," Olivia explained, her tone contemplative.

"But don't half-bloods and muggleborns exchange Muggle money to purchase their school supplies?" I probed further.

"That's a temporary arrangement! Only applicable to students while they're in school. Once they graduate, that option is no longer available," Regulus clarified.

"And why hasn't anyone exploited this?" I wondered aloud.

"Most Muggles lack sufficient funds to exchange for magical currency. Even those who do are hesitant, as they're deeply rooted in the Muggle community," Regulus elaborated.

'Haha, what a revelation! It seems no one has ever thought to exploit this loophole!' I chuckled inwardly.

"By the way, how wealthy does one need to be, to be considered 'rich' in the Wizarding world? Assuming, of course, I wish to find a suitable fiancée to integrate into high society," I inquired, keen to understand their financial standards.

"Well, Sirius is already worth around 2.5 million Galleons, and he's considered the black sheep of the Black family!" regulus says.

"Meaning he won't inherit anything!!" olivia throws in

"To match his status as a pure-blood, you'd need at least ten times his wealth, given your half-blood status, and Probably even more if you are aiming high. But to secure a truly advantageous match, you'd require much more, along with a notable reputation and political influence," Narcissa explained.

"Damn! Looks like I've got some serious work to do if I want to avoid lifelong bachelorhood! Is there an easy way to achieve this?" I quipped, sharing a smirk with Narcissa, which makes her blush slightly.

"Well, attending high-society parties could help you network and raise your profile," Olivia suggested.

"And how does one secure an invitation? Especially considering my recent... indiscretions," I admitted, my annoyance at my own actions evident.

"Our family hosts several birthday parties throughout the year, and you're welcome to join us. If you impress our parents, you might receive invitations to more exclusive events," Regulus offered.

"Regulus, though we've only just met a few times, know that I'm deeply grateful for your generosity," I replied sincerely, hoping his invitation wasn't merely an opportunity to parade around the biggest social outcast at the party.

Greetings, everyone!

I trust you're enjoying the story thus far—I certainly am!

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