9 Sinking and Drowning

[Diana's POV]

I spend every morning in a cold shiver that gnaws away at my sanity. I feel like I've sunken down to the bottom of the ocean and the only way I can take a breath of air is by waiting a few hours for my body to rise to the surface.

My feet are heavy and every time I drag them forward, I feel like collapsing and giving up. But the encouraging words from my parents and friends keep me going.

My days used to be ones of hopeful bright lights but now they're dark, grey, gloomy, and I am soaked in rain water, reeking of this despiteful smell that I hated so deeply.

I spent a week in the confines of my home after it happened. I wish I could've stayed in that safe space for the rest of my life but the worries of my close friends pressured me to return to school in order to assure them that I was okay.

I wasn't okay. I wasn't but I had to act like it because I didn't want them to hurt for me.

I laugh at their jokes because that's what I would've done prior to it happening.

I smile in their presence because that's who I was.

Why do I have to play this role? Why do I wear this mask that covers up the darkness that is eating me up from the inside?

It's because I'm scared.

I'm scared that the moment I reveal how I truly feel, the darkness will enter that crack in my heart and swallow me completely.

I'm scared that I'm no longer the person that I used to be.

But I try to be in hope that I recover what I lost. If I recover it, maybe this darkness will choose to leave me alone. I hope so.

Over a month had passed and I was finally able to walk alone in these hallways without feeling as if I was alone. It wasn't bright but a little dim light was finally beginning to grow inside me again.

"Bye," I said.

"I'll see you next class," responded my friend who ran to our mutual friend and gave her an ambush hug from the back.

Heading towards my classroom, I turned the corner of the hallway with my head slightly down.

As I crossed the headmistress' office, I was wondering why it was so quiet in front of me. This was an unusual thing because the academy was never quiet in these hallways, especially not this early in the morning when the students were still walking to their classes.

Looking up, that little light inside me immediately died, like a spark of fire extinguished by an entire pool of water.

I felt like my ankles were chained down to the floor, that cold shiver returned a thousandfold, the ocean swallowed me whole, and the darkness that had been inside me finally took ahold of that little bit of "me" that remained.

My throat felt closed, as if it was being choked.

I wanted to run, I wanted to scream, I wanted to do anything at all but I couldn't even lift a finger. I couldn't even let out a squeak.

Students were all around him, frozen in place, staring at him like I was but as he took a step closer, they all vanished from my point of view.

He was a few inches taller but as he got closer and closer, it felt like he was growing by a feet with every step. I wasn't looking up at him but because he felt like a mountain that towered over me, my neck began to hurt.

I wanted to punch him because the anger in me was present but the fear overwhelmed it and I couldn't help but want to shrink away into an atom, into a dust so small that he wouldn't notice me.

"Please don't see me" was what my soul was whimpering.

I understood that plea was for naught as he was staring directly at me, getting closer and closer. I didn't even know if he was walking forward but as his figure continued to grow in size, now larger than the planet itself, I panicked.

My heart raced, beating a thousand beats at once.

"Please don't hurt me!" my soul screamed. "I'm sorry," it began apologizing even though it did nothing wrong.

I knew I did nothing wrong, I knew that I didn't deserve to have been treated like that, but the fear took control of my mind and in that moment of true fear, I began to blame myself.

"I'm sorry," were the first words actually spoken out loud between the two of us.

"What?" I uttered, surprised to see that those two words weren't spoken by me but by the man whom I hated and feared more than anyone or anything in this world.

Our surroundings turned pitch-black, it was just me and him in this space.

He said it again, "I'm sorry."

As he said that, his figure larger than what I was able to comprehend shrunk back down to his actual size.

For the third time, he told me in a voice that sounded human even though he looked like the devil to me, "I'm sorry."

I could finally see his eyes. They were so high up that I couldn't do so before but I could see them now.

His eyes, they spoke more than his mouth ever could. I could see the sincerity in them, I could see how apologetic he was, I could see that in the reflection of his eyes, I was a victim and he was sorry as the culprit.

"No," I uttered, my voice cracking. Shaking my head, I said it again, "No."

The chokehold around my neck loosened up and I wanted to send them back around in his direction.

I wanted to chain him down, to throw him into the ocean, to let him be consumed by the darkness.

"How dare you apologize to me," I said, the mask on my face beginning to crack, revealing the hurt I was going through.

"How dare you apologize after what you've done to me. After what you've put me through. How dare you," I said. I wanted to scream these words at him but the fear of him still lingered deeply.

"I'm sorry, Diana, for what I did to you. I'm so so sorry," he told me.

His eyes looked hurt as if he understood what he was saying was futile but his words were sincere.

He was expecting me not to forgive him. I could see that.

"No, don't you say you're sorry. No matter what you say, it won't take away what you've done to me," I said, a single tear drop falling down my eye.

"I know. I know you'll never forgive me and... that's completely acceptable. My actions to you are deserving of the death penalty. But... I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for what I did," he told me.

I swallowed whatever words I had to say to him and only let out a quiet, "Fuck you."

"I understand," he responded.

"Get out of my face," I told him. Just looking at him made me want to shrivel up into my blanket and never leave my bed.

"I will."

His words, his apologizes, I couldn't accept any of them but they did provide me with a little bit of courage with that courage, I said, "Never talk to me... or even look at me ever again."

I wanted to kill this man, to make him feel even half the pain that I felt. But I was still afraid, afraid that his apologizes were an illusion of mine and if I make one misstep, he'll attack me once again.

So I held back.

I didn't have the strength to test out whether or not this interaction between myself and my monster was real.

He said, "I understand. Once again, I'm sorry. Farewell."

As he walked away, he looked human again. The dark space the two of us were confined it disappeared and we returned to the hallway of the academy.

The people that had vanished returned and I saw that all of them had been looking at us from afar, watching the conversation that occurred between us.

Closing my eyes, I wiped my tears with my sleeve.

I didn't want to see anyone at the moment. I didn't want to hear what anyone had to say.

So, I ran. I ran faster than I had ever done so in my life. I was still being held chained by the shackles on my ankles but I ignored them, continuing to run.

I entered a private bathroom and locked myself in there.

I could hear my heart beating and with each beat, the cracked mask on my face began to peel off.

My true face beneath was finally revealed to the world. It was a face of so much hurt that I wondered if I was alone in this world.

I screamed but nothing came out of my mouth. I cried, I cried rivers that couldn't wash away any of the pain I felt in my heart.

The darkness had shrunk only to be replaced another; one that was confused and tempted to murder the man who've made me like this.

I wanted to punch the walls around me. It felt like they were shrinking and about to squeeze my body into a pile of flesh, blood, and bone.

I was alone in the bathroom and it was quiet but the quiet wasn't a place that I wanted to be in for too long.

Sitting in the corner of the space with my head shoved in between my knees, I continued to utter, "Fuck you," as that light inside me began to grow a minute amount as time passed.

My mind was a mess, it felt like two or three sides of me had clashed.

My old self that was full of optimism and hope tried to assure me that I'd be able to reunite with her again.

My hurt self that was filled with dread, desiring to remain in the pits of the ocean at times.

And my present self, energized by the humanization of the monster I now wanted to slay, wanted to kill with my very own hands.