1 1 - My my that there Anakin Guy.

I slept in the small cabin allocated to me. Bare walls, bare floor, uncomfortable bed. Why couldn't we ever travel in style?

"Master Dee-Jay. Wake up, you must." came the voice.

I stirred awake and opened an eye. Great, still on the transport. Serves me right for being part of an order of celibate aesthetes.

"For your information I was meditating." I said to the diminutive goblin.

Yoda harrumphed and gave me a number four glare. "Part of meditation, snoring is not." he said.

"Yeah, alright. So, are we there yet?" I asked.

"Almost, descending we are now." said Yoda.

Wonderful. I could have used the extra thirty minutes beauty sleep. I need a lot, but try telling a small green methuselah that.

"Allow young Skywalker to be trained by you we shall." said Yoda.

"Great. I have no idea what the council was thinking a few days ago." I said.

"Dangerous, the boy is. More dangerous only, training him will." said Yoda. Number three glare.

"Because casting him adrift in the Galaxy to be snapped up by some random dark side mystic or an actual Sith was such a good idea." I said.

That earned me a number two glare. Little troll must be off his meds.

"Question the wisdom of the council you should not. Also." said Yoda charging up for a full bore number one glare.

"I know. I know. No giving Palpatine a lightsabre enema. Trust me. I'll behave." I said and gave Yoda my best 'trust me' smile.

Yoda held out his hand. I tilted my head and the little goblin nodded. I unclipped my lightsabre and handed it over.

Okay, okay. I wouldn't trust me either.

-----

Naboo has 0.9 standard gravity. I literally have a spring in my step on this world. Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy. Stop that. You're a stoic monk who eschews material desires.

I am a stoic monk and I eschew material desires.

I am a stoic monk and I eschew material desires.

I am a stoic monk and I eschew material desires.

I am now on a planet where the climate is warm, clothing is largely optional and everything, bounces.

Why the hell did Palpy go evil growing up here? I would have told anyone whispering of dark secrets to bugger off and go back to watching whatever the local equivalent of beach volleyball is.

Is it possible he was the stereotypical dateless loser? Comp Sci majors could pull here. Would explain where he got all that anger to fuel his powers from. Could all of this Empire/Rebellion palavar have been avoided if he had manned up and taken the local equivalent of a Licenced Practical Sexuality Course?

Yes. They exist. I've definitely considered taking one when I have been kicked out of the order. In fact LPSTs may feature in my evil plan of Galactic non-eventism.

It would be a whole lot easier if they just let me shiv Sheev. Oh shit. Here comes the bastard now.

Wow. It is almost beyond words. There are people out there who say they would never follow a populist Dictator despite all evidence to the contrary. Those bastards have a presence, a charm, a cocky smile that says 'follow me, I can make things better'. Normal people fall for the regular version. Palpatine has all that backed by the Force.

I like him. He looks okay. I trust this. No stop. Space Hitler. Space Stalin. Remember the plan! I don't know, is it really necessary? Space Hitler!

The good Chancellor is pressing the flesh, shaking hands with everyone. Hopefully he's no Puppetmaster. Here he comes.

We shake hands. Palpatine has a good firm handshake while mine, is not. However since giving a feeble handshake is part of the plan mine is particularly limp. Palpatine squeezes and grins as he does so.

"Hello Master?" he says leading like a pro.

"Dee-Jay. Master Dee-Jay." I say nursing my bruised hand. Just couldn't resist could you.

Sucker.

-----

I hurry off to the med centre with my hand. I walk in.

"Hello Master Jedi. What can I do for you." says the medtech.

Damn. No plan ever survives contact with the enemy. Or the alien. Like this alien.

No, the sight of non-humans casually doing their thing still weirds me out. Give me a break, its been a rough two months. Its still a shock ordering lunch from a fish-man. How the hell do you ask for fish of the day?

And the alien standing before me isn't just any alien. Not some random, brightly hued being with gills, tentacles or other weirdness. No, she's a Twi'lek. A hot green space babe radiating 'bang me' pheromones because her patient is a space monk aesthete and she can relax and let her hair down for a change.

Okay. Head tentacles. Whatever. Hot green space babe. Definitely a mammal.

I am a stoic space monk and I eschew material desires.

I am a stoic space monk and I eschew material desires.

Not working. I hold up my hand like an idiot.

"Your hand? Are you okay?" she says.

I just shook hands with the personification of evil and need the help of someone who can excite corpses to get the bastard's skin cells tested. This is a platonic example of 'not okay'.

I close my eyes. There is no emotion, there is peace. I say to myself.

That actually works! Calmer, and more relaxed I open my eyes.

"I think I have an infection. I need it isolated and tested. It may be Force related so, can you do a midichlorian count too?" I say.

She smiles and places my hand in a medical device. It hums, buzzes and my skin tingles.

"Do you need anything else Master Jedi?" she asks.

A cold shower? Another grilling from Yoda?

"I, I will be fine. Jump lag, that's all." I manage.

She places a hand on the arm still trapped by the device.

"Oh I know. It's horrible. I'm hopeless for days after space travel. Call me Shayla." she says.

"Dee-Jay. Pleased to meet you." I say weakly, smiling at her. Our eyes meet and bam! Contact.

Batshit crazy Sith that she was, Kreia had a point.

Been in this crazy universe only eight weeks and I am already weary of The Force and its shenanigans.

-----

I staggered out of med centre and went looking for the Jedi. After asking for directions, I made my way to the Palace.

Entering, I am directed up some stairs by a flunky. Starting up them I spy Obi-Wan Kenobi heading down looking angry. He sees me, scowls and marches towards me.

"You!" he says pointing a finger at me.

"Something the matter, padawan?" I ask calmly.

"It's Knight now." he says. Of course. No trials for the Sith killer.

"Congratulations. How may I assist what I presume is our newest Jedi Knight?"

"You can tell me why you stole Anakin."

"Steal? Anakin Skywalker is a person." I said.

"You know what I mean." said Kenobi.

"Do I? Do you? Who is Anakin Skywalker? Is he a slave? Just another pathetic life form? Or a duty which must be discharged? The Chosen One. If he is any of those things to you perhaps it would be best for him to train under someone else." I said calmly.

"Then why do you wish to be his teacher?" said Obi-Wan.

Now was not the time to bring up my Vader allergy.

"Because it would be both cruel and callous to turn him away. Not to mention bloody stupid." I said.

"You said that to the council?" Obi-Wan looks astonished.

"Even the eldest and wisest among us need a good kick in the pants. Besides, you have not been a Knight ten minutes. Maybe a little experience and wisdom is needed before undertaking one of our more sacred tasks?"

Okay, not that much more. It's a vital amount though. Hopefully. Still Kenobi stops scowling.

"Yes I do see the wisdom in that. Anything else Master?"

Now that you mention it.

"This Sith warrior you slew. The body has been retrieved I trust? Along with his unusual weapon." I said.

"I cut him in half and he fell."

"So it won't have gone far. But, just to be on the safe side, take some friends. There are some other Knights here. Go as a team." I said to him.

He looks doubtful. As if it's another chore.

"This is important. Who knows what secrets we could learn. Also if by some random miracle he survives you'll kick yourself if you end up having to fight him again and again. Best to be sure." I said.

Seemingly convinced he hurries off.

-----

Then it's parades, wakes and a pile of speeches before the other Jedi return to Coruscant I am left alone with Darth Vader.

Talk about instant perspective. Screw up and the Galaxy burns. No pressure.

He's a really cute kid. Bit scrawny, but we can fix that.

"Hello Master." he says. I reach out with the Force, just to be sure.

Fear, uncertainty, resentment. Knew it. I sit down, not far from him.

"Anakin. My name is Dee-Jay and I am a member of the Jedi order like yourself. Do you know why my title is 'Master'?"

Anakin gives this a level of thought not normally seen in a nine year old. Certainly not in Anakins. Did you have a head injury sometime in the next ten years?

"Because you're old?" he hazards.

"A good guess and partially correct. Because of the time I have been a Jedi, I have demonstrated mastery, that is to say a clear and working understanding of both The Force and more importantly, myself. So, I have the title of Master." I say.

Anakin nods. Is he listening or just, right.

"That is not what the word means to you though. What does 'Master' mean to you Anakin."

Anakin looks at me defiantly. I am reminding him of his past life.

"It means the person I must obey because I am their slave." he says.

"Well, since you are no longer a slave you should call me by my name only. How you speak helps determine your reality. The Jedi paid a great price for your freedom and I do not want to waste that. So no more master and apprentice. Its Dee-Jay and Anakin." I say.

Anakin looks at me as if he's uncertain.

"Okay, Dee-Jay."

"Excellent Anakin. That's enough for today. Time for recess. Say, how far down those banisters do you think you can slide without falling off?"

He may still become Darth Vader, terror of the Galaxy. Just now he is still a nine year old boy. He grins.

"Are you going to come too?" he says.

"Of course." I reply. Hmm, this Palace is probably older than the Pyramids. "Best take our shoes off first."

One of the best things about being a Jedi is the near perfect balance. We get to make three runs before being confronted by the Queen herself. Arms folded she looks annoyed. Anakin jumps off, perfect dismount, a ten from the judges in front of her.

"Hi Padme. Would you..."

I am not far behind. I go for the leap and instead have my feat slip out in front of me and skid on my bottom to a rest beside them. All Force assisted.

"Why, hello your Majesty." I say.

It is too much for Anakin and he bursts out laughing, followed soon by the teenager.

All part of the cunning plan. Sith don't giggle.

They laugh for several minutes, their sides and gasping for breath. Just two kids laughing at a pratfall. Hopefully this memory sticks. If not, I can manufacture others.

"Do. You. Wanna go. Too." Anakin eventually manages.

Padme looks down at her ornate, restrictive costume and shakes her head.

"No. I cannot. It is not allowed." she says regretfully transforming from carefree teenager to avatar of her state.

Palpatine tried to murder you, but that was reasonably impersonal. He would have done that to anyone. Fourteen, forty, one hundred and fourteen, it would not matter. Naboo regularly tosses a girl's childhood on the pyre of tradition.

I guess it goes on the list. It's already long enough as it is. Is this how a Jedi thinks all the time?

Poor buggers.

I look up at the titular ruler of everything within twenty billion kilometres, affecting a smile.

"So, would now be a bad time to ask for a ship or two?" I said.

-----

The Queen tries to fix me with a stare, but I've had Yoda on my case recently with Windu and conehead subbing. Sorry kid, but you need practice.

"You want what?" said Padme.

"I intend to head to Tatooine and pick up Anakin's mother. One ship to make the trip, the other to make payment, unless of course you have a pile of whatever they use as money over there." I said calmly.

"You're going to get my mom?" said Anakin, the hope evident in his voice.

"I thought Qui-Gon had organised that already." said Padme.

"With respect Qui-Gon is gently wafting through your atmosphere. In the rush to save your world it was overlooked. The Jedi almost all grew up separated and never knowing their parents. It honestly just won't occur to them. This war saw many casualties but a child separated from his mother is among the worst of them. Yes Anakin, I am going to get her too. It's largely up to Her Majesty though. " I said.

Anakin turns to Padme and looks up at her.

"Please? Can you? Please?" said Anakin.

I have a good half dozen arguments all ready to go. I also have a nine year old who misses his mother. We also only have to convince this universe's version of Desdemona.

"Yes. I will make the arrangements." she said smiling and bending down to hug Anakin.

"Yippee!"

-----

It takes a couple of days to organise matters. Two cruisers, crews, droids and supplies all take time to get together in one place and facing the right direction. I am about to board when a voice cries out.

"Dee-Jay!"

I turn around. It's Anakin.

"Yes Anakin?"

"I want to come too."

This is a simple mission. Go to Tatooine. Buy Vader's mom. Come back. Every additional factor is another potential point of failure. Still.

"You want to see your mother again as soon as possible. That is admirable Anakin. You are however now a Jedi. We let our feelings guide us but they do not rule us. For that, we use reason. So, to come along you need a good reason why." I said.

Anakin scrunches his face in the effort of thought.

"Um." he begins.

"It's okay Anakin. Take your time." I said.

Is this too cruel? This is Anakin He's only nine.

"Um. I can guide you through the town. So you don't get lost." said Anakin after a while.

"That's correct. Very well then, come along." I said looking over my back as I ushered Anakin aboard. Just to be on the safe side I check out the crew. Reasonably sure the Queen hasn't snuck aboard I give the order to depart.

With a working hyperdrives it is a very short jump to Tatooine. We soon land.

"Anything I should know about going out on Tatooine?" I said to Anakin.

"You asking me?" said Anakin, surprised.

"Sure. You're the expert here. I actually have never been to a desert planet."

"You may want a scarf round your mouth and nose. Breathe in through your nose too." said Anakin.

"Thank you." I said and went to get a scarf. Properly attired, I stepped out onto Arrakis lite.

-----

Gods, it is hot. It is also dry, dusty and desolate. The ground is often uneven underfoot. I'm hating this place in the ten minute walk to the shop.

Inside is the small blue flying alien. He? It? Whatever. Watto looks up at us as the bell rings and moves back.

"Augh, another Jedi. Come to bring the boy back? No deal." Watto points to a sign. It's in Huttese but I can guess its meaning.

"No refunds?" I say in aside to Anakin. The boy nods. I look back to Watto.

"I wish to purchase Shmi from you. I believe you are in a spot of bother so I thought I would trade with this." I activate the holo projector and appears above my hand, alongside its specs start scrolling down. "A Nubian J type. Factory new. Excellent on sale value." I add.

Watto's hand is making little twitching motions. Mind Tricks won't work on you Shylock? How about money, an Imperial shit load thereof?

"How do I know this isn't another trick?" he says suspiciously.

"How do I reach the roof." I ask.

A short while later we are on the roof with a set of binoculars. I hand them to Watto.

"Over there. The ship on the left. All yours in exchange for Shmi and anything in her house she may want to take with her." I said.

Watto looks at the ship, then at me, then back to the ship.

"Deal." he said, still looking at the ship.

"Excellent. Let's go down to make transfer." I said.

As I suspected, Tatooine doesn't have a legal economy. Watto gives me the slave control switch and a flimsy covered in Huttese. I give him the cruiser's control codes and owners manual. Done.

"Thank you. Come on Anakin. Let's go get your mother." I said.

Anakin looks up from where he had been tinkering with a droid. So hard to break habits. Well, we will have to work with that. He gets up and we leave the shop.

-----

It is a short walk to Chez Skywalker.

"Mom!" Anakin yells as he cannons into his mother and hugs her.

"Ani, what are you doing here? What has happened?" Shmi says looking up and glaring at me.

'Who the hell are you and why have you brought my son back to this hell world?'

As a Jedi I am now a functional telepath. Totally redundant at the moment. All it does is make me wonder if we should test her as well. A little training and I would have had a hole in my chest.

Note to self. Keep all Skywalkers away from Palpy.

"I have just purchased your freedom and have arranged travel off world so you and Anakin can see each other."

Naboo has a much lower incidence of Fremen murder. I wonder what the leading cause of death is on happy time fun planet is. I will have to look into that as well as possibly arranging for Shmi to live on the opposite side to Palpatine.

"You did this?" she says half disbelieving. No one normally escapes Tatooine.

"Merely carrying out what I believe was Master Qui-Gon's intention all along. As well as the desires of a grateful system. Anakin is quite the hero." I say.

"Where is Qui-Gon? Is he, is he alright?"

He met Darth Maul and no he's toast. Thanks Weird Al, succinct but too cavalier. I look down.

"He was killed in battle. His loss was a terrible blow to us all." I say.

Shmi sits down. Her hand is shaking. She places it on the table to steady it.

"No." is all she says.

What do you say to that? How long did she believe a dead man would come rescue her? So I wait patiently.

"Dee-Jay? Do you want to see the droid I built?" says Anakin, breaking the silence.

"Sure." I say. Why wouldn't I want to meet one of the most annoying beings in the universe?

I follow Anakin over to the droid. Still half clad in grey metal plates it is still recognisably C3-PO. Anakin switches him on.

"Why hello there, Master Anakin! What a surprise. What are you doing here?"

Turn him off. Turn him off!

"Remarkable. What are your functions?" I say.

"I am a protocol droid. I can translate and also provide advice on proper etiquette." says Threepio.

And neurotic comedy, let's not forget that.

"Amazing. You built him all from spare parts? We should see what you can do with a fully equipped workshop." I say to Anakin, who beams as if on demand.

I am so not letting this kid major in stabbing. It's a total waste of his natural talents.

"Do you think Threepio will like Naboo?" asks Anakin after a pause.

"He will. Recall that the Queen has recently resumed relations with the Gungan. A protocol droid will be invaluable. Clearly your foresight is as remarkable as your engineering skills." I say.

"Naboo? Where is that?" says Threepio.

"A lush, verdant world where it rains regularly. You will be helping the Naboo treat with a warrior race of Amphibians." I say. How many Dark Side points do I get for tormenting this droid?

"Warrior amphibians? Oh my. My circuits will be a rusted mass within weeks." says Threepio in worry mode. Not that he has another setting.

"It will be fine." I say. It had damn better be.

Shmi has evidently composed herself and has come over.

"I am ready." she says brushing away a tear.

"You sure? You don't need anything?" I say.

Shmi places her hands on Anakin's shoulders.

"Everything I need is right here." she says.

"Very wise. Well, we should get going." I say and usher everyone out.

You are so getting tested.

-----

I have this nagging sense of dread as we walk back to the ships. Is that The Force alerting me to impending danger? Could be, its not like there is a handy manual, say Force Sensitivity for Dummies. I definitely qualify. On the off chance, I quicken the pace.

"Hey Anakin, perhaps they'll let you help take off." I say.

"You think so?" he says. I nod and Anakin starts running. The others start jogging as well. I check over my shoulder. Don't see anything.

Wait. There. My attention is drawn to a dust cloud. Coming towards us rapidly. Looks like they will be at the ship when we get there. I sigh.

Kreia was right.

I wait at the bottom of the ramp for our guests. Nine riders looking like they took a wrong turn at the Spaghetti Western. If you ignore that half are aliens and they're riding Velociraptors. Giant ostrich lizards at any rate. I take note of the one with the bazooka like weapon. Greedy, not stupid.

"Why hello Watto. Your ship is over there. No tricks." I said indicating the other cruiser.

Watto unclips himself and hovers away from the ostrich lizard.

"Yes, but then I thought there are two ships here. Why not have both?" he says.

"Double or nothing?" I said emphasising the last word as I shrug off my cloak. "A gambler to the end I see."

The minions raise their weapons. Can I block a volley of nine? Probably not.

"Last chance Watto. We can all just walk away." I said and then dove to my left, rolling. I push out with The Force. Not at them, but at the ground. Specifically, all this damn sand. Rough, course, irritating. I make sure it gets everywhere. Now I scream, not all that impressive. However, when you add in that I'm projecting 'Krayt dragon'

Chaos, panic, confusion. The velociraptor ostriches panic, sensing this hell world's apex predator. Their riders, who can say. A few shots ring out as they fire, several cry out as they fall and then run off. I walk to where I can sense Watto. I walk over to him, the sand still whirling about me. He is on the ground. One of his wings is twisted.

'Slay him!' comes a voice.

My lightsabre is out and on before I realise. I am ready to strike.

'Kill the bastard. He betrayed you. They're all like that. Just run him through and leave him as a warning.'

No. I shake my head and walk away to the ship.

So that's the Dark Side. Beguiling, seductive, but seriously?

It speaks to me in the voice of my wife? Damn.