Chapter 2: Dose of Emotion...
The certain Author is one strange human.
She used to think that she is someone who is kind and patient.
She couldn't get angry to anyone...
Even when they've done something wrong to her...
She doesn't take it to heart. In few minutes, if not few seconds, she will be completely fine, like nothing happened...
She just couldn't understand why the people around her hated her...
She just thought that they were immature...
Hating and outcating her for no reason...
It didn't bother her that she doesn't have friends.
It's also not that she didn't try. She did...
She tried... She really did...
So foolishly...
She didn't just give up...
She follow the teachers' advice...
It's not working...
No matter how quiet she was or how friendly she got...
They strayed from her...
It is completely normal, to be left alone... To her...
But it's okay.
Everything is fine...
.....
If only that day didn't happened...
The day that the certain Author slowly descend to chaos...
She was walking down the road with her childhood friend.
The sun was high up the sky but the wind is cold...
She's looking at her friend back, as she always does.
Silent and immersed in her own thoughts, as always...
That's the way she is...
That's who she was...
It just suddenly happened...
It clicked to her...
Ahhh.....
There is no one in this world that needed her...
She is just some insignificant waste of air...
She is unnecessary...
Someone irreplaceable and easily forgettable...
.....
That day she smiled...
For the first time in her life.
She smiled... Voluntarily... And full of the sense of weary...
It was bitter...
She can still remember the taste of the saltiness in the air...
It was cold and unfeeling...
.....
From then on, things just got worse and worse...
She's slowly changing...
But she didn't even know...
She begone to doubt everyone...
She hated everything...
The ability that she relied on so much is like a double edge sword...
And it cut her further in pieces...
True become indistinguishable from the lie...
She don't know what to do...
She couldn't trust anyone...
She doesn't even know who she is anymore...
She don't know...
She's confused...
Who to trust?
Who to believe?
But the real question is, does she even trust that she is who she is?
That is something that she cannot answer...
.....
After that the certain Author started reading a bunch of manga.
Maybe it was subconscious...
She love reading manga with "cute innocent babies".
That's what she called them...
Protagonist that is innocent, adorable and loved by all. Sweet little creatures, even though they went through so many hardship, they still stay the kind...
She loved them... They made her want to protect them... To cherish them...
She didn't care that it's influencing her in real life...
She become strange...
Active and fake...
It got so bad that she finally noticed how different she was from before.
She was like a completely different person...
But no one else notice...
They reprimand her for reading so much without knowing anything...
Without knowing that the person they are scolding is going crazy all by herself...
She finally know why she keep reading fictions...
Even blatantly ignoring the plotholes and loopholes that she hated so much...
.....
But as someone who's so miserable that she use "child of misfortune" as a username, of course this is not where it ends...
Staying true to the name, things got more worse...
The fine line between reality and illusion slowly collapse...
It got harder getting up from bed..
It got harder to wake up from sleep..
She begone to get lost on the line...
Threading carefully, afraid that she might fall to the dark below...
She's confused, perplexed, nonplussed...
But there is still one thing she didn't know...
She thought everything's normal. That's it's just her...
That it is just a small problem.
It's not...
How wrong she was...
Foolish and pathetic...
...
The certain Author is someone who can't feel or recognize emotions.
She is detached from emotion...
She has no sense of emotion...
That's why she can't get angry.
She didn't even know she can't feel happiness...
She just thought it was normal.
That she doesn't have anything to be happy about...
She never question it...
Until that time...
That one time...
That day that she finally realize it...
She thought she is a monster...
An emotionless monster...
She even begin calling other people "Human"...
She didn't regard herself as one...
Of course she didn't outright say it in front of them.
It's all just in her head...
...
She thought that she might be a Psychopath...
But Psychopath can feel happiness...
She didn't know if she should be glad that she doesn't feel happiness..
On the other hand she gained her first emotion.
It was despair...
The very first emotion she felt is despair...
And from there, she felt sadness, anger, and the rest but not happiness...
But whether she can really feel emotions or not is proven in the future...
.....
Our poor little Author is still indifferent...
And that made her feel scared.
She's scared of what she might do...
After she got over her depression.
No. After she learns to control it, the certain Author begin to come back to her old self...
Cold and indifferent to everything...
Too cold and indifferent...
She didn't like it...
Now that she know. She hate the feeling of boredom that it brought her.
So she begone reading again. And just like before, she become lively...
But now she knows and it's voluntary.
If she didn't entertain herself, she feels like she's going crazy...
But not just anything works. She need to read something that is rich in emotions...
If she didn't then she can feel herself becoming cold and it's scary.
It was like a drug to her...
She need the right dosage to take...
And that is scary...
Very scary...
The drug made her feel better. And when it's gone she experience withdrawal...
When that happened, she desperately imagined falling to depression and experiencing the pain again...
Everytime, the certain Author want to smack her head for wanting to be depressed again.