chapter 39

The next morning, I wake up before Tay and freshen up. I have dark circles under my eyes due to lack of sleep. I have never given much thought to how Tay and I would end up. All I know is that I'm afraid of losing him. All my life, everything was taken away from me. He is the first person I have ever loved in my life, the only one who knows the real me. The only one who doesn't judge me and makes me feel safe. Whenever I stumbled or fell, he was there to catch me, even though I pushed him away. I dress up in black leggings and a sweater. I put on the socks and small soft boots. I leave my hair hanging down over my shoulders, grab my phone, and make my way downstairs.

"Morning Mrs. Payne to be!" Future half-smiled and I grab a bowl and pour cereal in.

"Morning," she says and Andrew walks in, still in his pajamas. I grab milk from the fridge and pour it into the bowl. My phone buzzes on the kitchen counter.

"Excuse me," I say, and grab my phone.

I walk to the living room and answer my phone.

"Rachel?" I say and tuck my hair behind my ear.

"I have been trying to reach you since yesterday," she says and I can imagine her running her hand through her hair. She does it when she is stressed.

"Sorry, I didn't check my phone yesterday. WhatsApp?" I ask, grabbing the remote on the couch and flipping through the TV channels.

"There have been requests about translating your book into several languages," she says and my mouth half opens.

"What!" I ask, shocked.

"I said…,"

"I heard you. Are you being serious right now?" I ask just want to be sure.

"Yes, I'm sure. But they want your permission to do so and to talk to you," she says.

"This is huge," I say. My heart feels like it's going to pop out of my chest.

"I know, so what do you say?" she asks.

'Of course, I agree. Oh my god, I can't believe this!" I half scream.

"Which language are they translating it?" I ask.

"Afrikaans, Swahili, Sepedi, Hindi, and Xhosa," she says and I bring my hand to cover my mouth.

"Oh my God!" I say, and pull my lower lip between my teeth.

"I know right. Look, I will call you later." with that she hangs up.

I started writing just because I wanted to get everything out of my chest. I never thought I would become a published author, yet a best-selling one. And now this, I don't even know what to think, but I have something to say.

It doesn't matter if you don't have writing experience, if you want to write, write. You never know where it will take you. Everyone started at the bottom. No matter what happens, write because it's your gift to flip around people's moods with words. Change lives with your words, heal them.

Create a safe place for them, give them hope. It's not science only that can save lives, words can too if you believe in them. Words hold a powerful weapon that changes not only lives but saves and gives hope. Create relationships, give advice, and help in life decisions.

"Are you okay?" a voice asks, startling me.

"Jesus! You scared me," I tell Future.

"Sorry," she apologizes.

"Can you switch to Riverdale?" she asks and I nod.

"Sure." I change channels and I place the remote on the couch.

"I will be right back," I say, and walk to the kitchen. It is still raining outside and cold as hell.

I grab the bowl from the counter and walk back to the living room. We eat our breakfast in silence, watching Riverdale.

After an hour, I grab our empty bowl and make my way to the kitchen. I wash them and make my way to our room to see if Tay is awake.

The bed is empty when I walk in; I walk further in the room and hear a shower running. I sigh and walk to the bay window. Our neighborhood is not crowded; the houses are far from each other.

A phone ringing breaks me from my thoughts. By its ringtone, it's not mine. I spot Tay's phone on the bed and walk to it, but when I get close, it's not the one ringing.

"What the…" I say and follow the ringtone, leading me to Tay's leather jacket.

I grab his jacket and check the pockets, my hand landing on a large phone and a bottle of pills. I take out the phone and before I can answer it, it goes off.

"What the fuck are you doing?' a voice startles me. I jump and turn to face a furious Tay.

"Why do you have two phones?" I asked, ignoring his question. He walks towards me with a towel wrapped around his waist.

"That's none of your business," he spits.

"Excuse me?" I yell.

"I said it doesn't concern you. Now leave it alone," he says and grabs his jacket away from me.

"Can you just explain to me why you have a phone that I don't know of?" I ask and cross my arms over my chest.

"Can't a man have his own privacy at his own fucking home without being questioned? You are not my mother, for heaven's sake, back off," he shouts and I move back a little scared.

"You know what? You can have all the privacy you want without me bothering you," I say, grab my phone on the bed and walk towards the door.

So much for loving him, Olivia.

"Where the hell are you going?" he asks, blocking my path.

"Out," I say and walk past him.

I grab my jacket and walk out of the house. I pull my hood up and walk to whatever my legs take me. If I knew love could hurt this badly then, I wouldn't have allowed myself to fall in so deep. All we do is argue, and it's exhausting. I don't have the power to keep going with him, I don't know if I can take it anymore. He is bipolar, no one could change mood swings like he does.

The rain is still raining but barely. I do not know what to do now. I love him, but this thing with him and it's not healthy.

I can't keep up with him. One minute he is happy and the next he is all grumpy.

"Now I'm thinking that you are following me." a voice startles me. I lift my head to find Chad in front of me, holding an umbrella dressed in black jeans, black boots, and a black coat.

"Hey," I say, and push my hood back. He covers me with his umbrella.

"Why do you look so down?" he asks.

"It's nothing really," I say, and we walk.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" he asks.

"You have helped my mother and I would be happy to return the favor," he says and I nod.

"I don't want to talk about it," I tell Chad, and he nods in understanding.

"Come on, I want to show you something," he says and grabs my arm.

"What?" I ask.

"You will see," he says with my hand still in his.

"It's beautiful," I say and put my hands in my pocket. We are standing on a long hill where you can see the city in full view.

"I used to come a lot when I wanted to be alone. It is peaceful and a good place to just gather your thoughts," He says and I nod.

"Yeah, it is peaceful," I agree and close my eyes, taking a deep breath.

Sometimes I wish it would have been better for me if I hadn't fallen for Tay. Maybe life would have been easier.

I open my eyes to find Chad staring at me. "What?" I ask, and half-smile at him.

"You are so beautiful," he says and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear.

"He doesn't deserve you," he says and leans in. His breath hitting my face, his lips so close to mine that they would touch if I move.

He leans even closer, and I don't know why I'm not stopping him.

"Get your hands off my wife," a voice booms and I jump a little startled and move back.

"What are you doing here, and how did you find me?" I ask a fuming Tay.

"It's obvious he tracked your phone," Chad says and I gasp.

"What!" I ask.

Tay being Tay avoids me and goes for Chad.

"I told you to stay away from my wife," Tay says, putting his hands on Chad.

"What will you do if I don't, huh?" I gasp; this is not the Chad I know.

What the hell is going on?

Before I can grasp what is going on, Tay is on top of Chad, on the ground. I run over to them and try to pull Tay away, but he knocks me off unintentionally and I fall to the ground, hitting my head, and within seconds everything goes black.

****

I wake up with a burly version; I close my eyes and open them again. I'm in our room; I sit up on the bed and lift my hand to my head. There is a band wrapped around my head and a glass of water and a blue pill on the bedside counter. I take the pill, swallow it, and then drink it down. I climb off the bed with the glass of water still in my hand. I slid in my slippers and walk to the door.

The hallway is quiet as I walk through it. I walk down the steps slowly, trying not to get hurt. Voices are heard when I come close to the end of the steps.

One thing I know is that I'm no stranger to the darkness. I know how one's life can change overnight, but what I didn't know is that history was about to repeat itself, but this time differently. This was a battlefield I wasn't ready for and didn't even think it would happen to me or existed. I have always read about it on papers or seen it on the news, but never thought it would one day become my reality.

"Are you crazy?" a voice asks, and I recognize it as Andrews.

"I tried to tell her, but I couldn't do it," another voice says, and this time it's Tay.

"And you thought it was better to infect her with the damn disease?" Andrew asks, and to say I was confused would be an understatement. I have no clue what they are talking about.

"That is the most diabolical thing you have ever done, Tay."

"If I told her, she would have run away. I know her; she prefers to forget about her problems than deal with them." Tay says.

"You could have made her understand. I have seen the way she looks at you, she loves you." Andrew says.

"I couldn't take any chances, I had to do it. I wanted her to be connected to me in some way if we ever parted ways. You know how people feel about people like me," Tay says, and I'm still trying to figure out what they are talking about.

"You know that this will destroy her, right?" Andrew asks.

"I know I fucked up, but she is like a moth to a flame, and she doesn't even know it. She has herself tattooed on my damn skin, and no matter what I do, I see her everywhere. I love her and I did what I thought was best at the moment," Tay says, and my heart feels like it's going to pop out of my chest at the declaration of his love to me.

"So, what now, you are going to make her take the pills without telling her what they are for?" Andrew asks, and my mind races.

What pills? What disease?

"I don't know. I just know she will hate me for the rest of her life when she finds out?" Tay says. And I wonder what could make me hate him for the rest of my life.

"Yeah, you should have thought about that when you had unprotected sex with her," Andrew snaps.

"There's no need for you to lecture me every second of our conversation," Tay spits, and I take one more step. But what came out of Andrew's mouth seemed to make time go slower.

"Yeah, I know. I just wish you told her you have HIV before you slept with her instead of infecting her because you want her to be connected to you forever." time seemed to go even slower, like I'm in a sort of movie or something. The glass slips out of my hand and hit the floor.

I place my hands on the wall to balance myself from falling.

"Shit!" Tay curses.

They both rush to me, but I raise my hand in the air.

"Don't!" I shout. Tears are falling down my cheeks already. I have never felt so betrayed in my entire life.

"How could you?" I ask, looking at Tay.

"Love." I cut him off.

"Don't you dare call me that? I can't believe you. How could you do this to me?" I yell and walk into the kitchen. I tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear and grip the edge of the kitchen island.

"I can explain. I was going to tell you," He says and tries to get close to me, but one glare sends him back one foot away.

"Is it true?" I ask, sobbing.

"Yea. I was born with HIV. Both Nate and I. My mother was also born with it." He says softly, and I gasp.

"Oh, God! So, now I have it too?" I ask the obvious.

"I think so, we had unprotected sex yesterday," he says and I feel like I'm running out of air. My chest is closing up on me.

"But I saw you drinking alcohol, people who have that are supposed to stay healthy," I say hoping that maybe this is a dream, and I will wake up soon.

"I have a limit of how much alcohol I should consume," he says, and I shut my eyes.

"I trusted you, believed in us," I say and turn my head to look at him.

"I know. I know what I did to you is unforgivable, but I love you," he says, and I laugh.

"You don't know a thing about love. You are disgusting. You infected me because you wanted me to be connected to you forever? Who does that?" I ask and run my hand through my hair.

"I'm sorry…" I don't know what has gotten into me, but a glass is flying in Tay's direction, but he ducks down and it hit a wall.

"Don't you dare apologize. You are nothing but a liar," I yell and drop my body to the floor.

He slides to the floor with me and tries to touch me again, and this time I let him because I don't have the strength to push him away. I'm drained. "Why did you do this to me, huh? Why? Why?" I ask, hitting his chest, and he lets me.

"I trusted you," I say through my sobs. The pain I'm feeling right now is worse than the pain I ever felt in my entire life.

"I'm sorry." he is now crying too.

"You can save your apologies. I don't want to hear it?" I say and sob even more.

It feels like my life has ended. I let my guard down, and this happens. I'm a survivor, but I don't know if I can survive this. This is one thing I never thought I would come across in my entire life.

"What about...what about the others?" I ask, and Tay gulps and says,

"I made them sign a non-disclosure agreement and made sure they tested every month," I hiccup. My head hurts from all the crying, and I'm not done yet.

"I have to get out of here," I say and stand up.

"No!" he shouts.

"You have no say in this. You lost every right you had the minute you marked me as your territory." I spit and run up the stairs to our room.

I grab my clothes, everything, and dump them in the suitcase. Tay takes out some of my clothes when I make my way to the bathroom to grab my toiletries.

"Will you stop?" I shout.

"Please don't go," he begs and kneels on the floor, holding my legs.

"Let go of my fucking leg!" I yell, and try to get out of his grip.

"I love you; please we can work this out. I need you," he begs again, and his voice cracks at the end.

"I'm taking my life back tonight, and there's nothing you can say that could change my mind. Goodbye, Tay." I say and zip my suitcase and walk out the door.

I spot Tay's car keys on the kitchen island and grab them. I hear footsteps as I walk to the front door.

"Olivia wait?" I ignored him and walked out.

I put the bag in the boot and walked to the driver's seat. He grabs the door before I can close it.

"I know I fucked things up, but I love you. Believe it. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me," he says. His eyes are puffy.

"You are the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me, Tay, and I hope you rot in hell," I say softly this time.

"You will come back, right?" he asks, his chest going up and down.

"Goodbye, Tay," I say, and close the door.

I watch him in the small mirror as I drive away from the house. His hands are on his head and staring at the moving car. It's raining, but not heavily. The wind fanning my face calms me down a little, but the storm inside me is growing by the minute. My parent's house is out of the question. The last thing I want is for my mother to yell at me on how a wife should behave so I drive to the only place I know it doesn't change or betray you. If it's winter, it's winter. My Uncle Shawn's farmhouse.

the end