14: Heartaches with no breaks

"Don't be scared...

Women can handle the worst kind of pain. You'll find out one day."

-Gayle Forman

***

My eyes leisurely wander across his serene countenance, captivated by his irresistible allure. I find myself marvelling at his ethereal beauty, almost convinced that he is not of this mortal realm. It is true, after all, that he is not human; he is a werewolf, a creature of mystique and enigma.

Even in slumber, he exudes an intoxicating magnetism that should be deemed illegal. His visage is a testament to his charm: the meticulously groomed eyebrows, the delicate veil of long lashes veiling his serene grey eyes, the slightly askew nose, evidence of a previous break, the chiselled contours of his jawline, and those lips, oh, those soft, alluring lips that hold the power to transform me into an insatiable addict with a mere touch.

I must be losing my sanity, for my thoughts have spiralled into realms of unrestrained desire. Is it possible that I have not fully emerged from my heat-induced frenzy?

The clock reads six in the morning, and here I lie, nestled in bed with Blake, my mate, oblivious to the passing hours. Despite the grievances I bear towards him, I cannot deny the pleasure derived from this stolen moment, where I can indulge in the captivating sight before me.

The serenity etched upon his face feels unfamiliar, a stark contrast to the cold exterior he so often portrays. If only he would reveal this tender side of himself when he is awake, perhaps then I would find solace.

Blake had been my pillar of support throughout the torturous ordeal of my recent heat cycle. When I believed I was on the precipice of my demise, he was there, steadfast and unwavering. I suppose it is to be expected, given that he is my mate, the destined counterpart to my soul. However, I find myself consumed by anger, for he had concealed this truth from me. Why did he not disclose the profound connection we share? And more importantly, why did my own father keep me in the dark? How many more concealed truths await my discovery? The weight of uncertainty presses upon me, leaving me disoriented and bereft of trust.

A deep, husky voice breaks the silence, jolting me from my contemplations. "Good morning," he groans, his tone laced with sleepiness. I turn my head to face him, and in an instant, his arm tightens around my waist, drawing me closer to him.

"Good morning," I respond with a smile, a fleeting desire to prolong this tranquil interlude momentarily overwhelming my resentment. If only every morning could be as serene as this, despite the brewing storm of unanswered questions. I will save my inquiries for a later time; for now, I wish to bask in this stolen serenity.

"What were you thinking about?" Blake's voice resonates, breaking the tranquillity that had settled upon us. His inquiry catches me off guard, a gentle reminder that the stolen moment we shared is fleeting. I'm torn between revealing the storm brewing in my mind and preserving the fragile peace that currently envelopes us. A conflict rages within me, but I choose to shield him from the chaos that threatens to consume my thoughts. With a nonchalant shrug, I dismiss his question, unwilling to disrupt the fleeting tranquillity we've managed to find amidst the tumult.

A hint of disappointment flits across Blake's eyes, as though he perceives the fleeting nature of our brief interlude. The silence that follows feels heavy, weighted with unspoken words and unresolved tensions.

I find myself yearning for more, for an extension of this stolen moment, yet reality creeps back in, reminding me of the complexities that surround us. It's as if time accelerates, swiftly carrying us away from the serenity we had briefly grasped. The brevity of our connection leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth, a reminder of the fragile nature of our bond.

"About us. I was thinking about the trials we've endured during this relentless heat cycle. About the secrets that you and my father have woven around me. Nothing new," I remark, my shoulders rising and falling in a nonchalant gesture, determined to preserve an air of nonchalance. Yet, the yearning for honesty and transparency wells within me, pleading for release. "Did you sleep well?" I inquire, masking my growing frustration behind a smile. The weight of my questions hangs heavily in the air, and I can't help but wonder if the answers will ever be revealed.

With a sigh, he runs a hand through his unruly hair, a gesture that I find inexplicably captivating. I chide myself for allowing such trivial observations to cloud my judgement.

My reverie is abruptly interrupted as Blake leans in, his body pressing against mine. The sudden closeness startles me, momentarily wrenching me from my thoughts. The energy between us crackles, tangible and raw, as if the weight of our unspoken desires hangs heavy in the air. In this fleeting moment, as our bodies intertwine, I can't help but wonder if physical intimacy alone can bridge the chasm of secrets that threatens to tear us apart.

"I'm sorry," he utters, his words accompanied by a soft kiss. "For lying to you," he continues, bestowing another tender kiss upon my lips. My anticipation for a third kiss is met with a solemn gaze, devoid of any affectionate gesture. I cannot help but feel that there is more he withholds, that there are emotions simmering beneath the surface, concealed behind a façade of composure.

A sense of unease settles upon me as I close my eyes, exhaling a heavy sigh. "There's more, isn't there?" I inquire, peering into his enigmatic grey eyes. He feigns confusion, a masterful display of thespian prowess. I should commend him for his ability to mask his true intentions, but instead, frustration simmers within me.

"What I mean is that you continue to keep secrets from me, withholding the truth," I exclaim, my voice betraying the exhaustion that plagues me. "I am weary, Blake. Weary of these incessant secrets and lies. I no longer know whom to trust, not even myself. Do you comprehend the magnitude of my fear?" Tears cascade down my cheeks as I gaze at him, hoping to find solace in his response.

I glimpse a fleeting expression of sorrow etched upon Blake's face as his gaze meets my tear-stained eyes, but in an instant, it vanishes, replaced by his customary impenetrable facade, concealing any emotions that may betray him. He withdraws from me with a heavy sigh, leaving me bereft of his comforting warmth, no longer shielded from the perils of the world. His hand passes through his hair with a hint of roughness, his grip tight as his veins strain against his skin.

I rise from the bed, no longer reclining but now sitting upon it. "I'm going to take a shower. If I find you here when I'm finished, I expect complete honesty from you. But if you choose to withhold the truth, then I want you to leave," I assert, my back turned to him, fearing that if I were to meet his gaze, I would succumb to forgiveness and find solace in his embrace.

Without looking back, I make my way towards the bathroom, but a thunderous slam reverberates through the air, startling me. I glance over my shoulder to find the bedroom door forcefully shut.

He's gone.

He left me.

Alone.

If only he knew that the moment he walked out that door, my once whole heart shattered into countless fragments, leaving me hollow and empty, defenceless against the onslaught of despair. I sink down against the bathroom door, my forehead pressing against the cool surface as tears cascade down my cheeks, accompanied by inconsolable sobs.

Why is life so unjust?

What have I done to deserve this?

Why must I endure such suffering?

Why me?

Trembling uncontrollably, I raise my quivering right hand to my chest, specifically to the area where my heart resides, only to be met with an agonising ache that feels as though it could tear me apart. The pain intensifies, enveloping me in a torment beyond words.

My sobs grow more intense, each breath becoming a struggle. It's not only my hand that shakes, but my entire body convulses violently. Attempting to draw a breath feels impossible, as a throbbing pain pulsates through my head, akin to the relentless strikes of a hammer.

I am engulfed in an excruciating torment, devoid of all sensation except the agony that engulfs me. Desperate for respite, I curl onto my side, hoping to find some relief, but all I encounter is a dizzying vertigo that compounds the already unbearable suffering.

The weight of the situation presses upon me, leaving me gasping for air as though I were submerged beneath an ocean of treachery. My sobs intensify, echoing through the room as despair takes hold. It is a battle I cannot win, a storm that refuses to abate.

The shards of my shattered heart pierce my soul, leaving me vulnerable and defenceless. The pain, both emotional and physical, consumes me, leaving no room for solace or respite.

With each passing moment, the agony within me intensifies, rendering me powerless against its grip. My trembling body convulses, a symphony of torment and anguish. The world around me blurs, distorted by the searing pain that radiates through every fiber of my being.

"Nova!" I cry out, but my voice fails me, reduced to a mere whisper.

A cold sweat drenches my body, and my eyelids grow heavy, weighed down by drowsiness.

Is this to be my final moment?

Will I depart from this world, my pleas unheard?

Struggling to make a sound, I part my lips, hoping to call out to Nova once more, but before a word can escape, I am pulled into the depths of darkness.