1 Journal Entry 1: I Started Counting After That Day

16th August 2013 | 1460 days

Hey

It's another fine day

How are you?

Are you fine?

I am doing great if you might ask.

Without realizing it I am here again, standing on the spot where we held hands so tight like we intended not to go back. At that moment, I hope time would stop completely and have the whole world with you and me alone. It was a selfish thought that had been running on my mind.

I was glad on that moment rain poured so hard--- maybe God heard my desire to just be with you, every split second before you go. I look at you with a bittersweet smile so greatly, my jaw would fall. I don't want that moment to end; tears start to swell so bad, and my heart wants to jump out.

I know you wouldn't look at me, because you know you will see my eyes full of awe and sadness you will think twice to let my hand go.

The rain had stopped, the sun started to peek again, and with no words left to say, you let go of my hand as you walk away---but in my selfish memory it was a fine day.

After that, day after day I would go back to that spot---spring, summer, fall, and winter.

I think, it was my head impulsively telling me to go back and relive the last memory you and I had shared. But my mind keep flashing the past memories of the happiest times; we held hands and hug our doubts together, a reassuring touch that made us feel we will always have each other.

If I close my eyes, I'm afraid I won't remember how your face looked like. Afraid I won't be able to call your name again. I don't want to slip it out my mind, but I keep forgetting things we had before---

Where was I?

I don't know.

All I know is that we were there. On that spot.

Where are you?

Are you still coming?

I'll stay here for long hours if that meant I will meet you again. I can't afford to miss you; it might not happen again.

It's late, I might as well go home now.

I can't reach your phone. I'm so worried, please be safe.

I'll be waiting again on that spot.

I walk aimlessly, with no clue to where I should go. There's ringing in my head, I blacked out on the street and lying helpless.

When I woke up, I was in unfamiliar room. My senses were filled with a citrus like smell, a favorite smell I haven't had for a while. I looked on my right bed side, a friend whom I dearly relied on all this time, sitting there sighed with relief and plastered a worried smile.

I asked why I am in this room, it felt like I had skipped time---lost a moment.

She started crying and hugged me with all her might, it was bone crushing but it felt that there was something, a deeper meaning from that hug.

Later after that moment, I had a talk with my doctor. I don't remember his name, but I can recall completely he's, my neurologist. I found out, that my brain is almost on a moderately severe cognitive decline.

Time slowly eating my memory. Impairing my ability to remember things. After I learned my situation, I laugh and laugh and laugh, like a crazy fool while slowly falling into despair and drowning myself to tears.

There is no available time to waste, after I cried a life worth's tear, I believe I have no reason to shed. I want to keep running back not just to that place but to you.

I started counting after that day. Day and night, I would keep repeating on my head, to keep track of my memories. Recollecting that same moment with nothing but hope.

I hope I would see you soon.