The end of the journey

After witnessing Jeremy's death, I died as well. My soul burned to ashes, I couldn't laugh anymore. I couldn't feel anything anymore. I had to get out of that place. There was no one in the place where it all happened. I was in pain, my blood was coming out, my foot was of no use and I had a long way to go. Where could I go? Where could I call him? Where was the home I could return to? What was I going to do about my food? I had no money on me, no food, nothing, only a gun with no bullets in. A body with no soul in, a mind with no brain in, a body with no use. Eyes with no sight, ears with no hearing, emotions with no meaning.

I walked day and night without anything to eat or drink, I was hungry, thirsty, but I had nothing to eat and Jeremy wasn't there to get me anything. I wept for hours without stopping, my body's level of water was in danger, what could I have done? And it wasn't like that I wanted to eat anything after Jeremy. I was simply trying to kill myself from hunger. My face was pale; my lips were dry with no color on them. My hands were so dirty. I didn't know if I could reach somewhere.

With no energy left in me I reached a village and in the entrance, I passed out. The people in the village helped me and brought me food to eat, they tried talking to me, but I couldn't respond, I didn't know what to say, what to hear, what to see, what to do.

According to my appearance, they decided to consider me a soldier who had escaped war. I really did escape the war, I escaped death like a coward. I escaped from the battle I started. I thought I was a great person, exceling in everything, succeeding in everything, believing I was shining in the hell I had entered long ago. I deceived myself, I lied to myself, I ended up killing, hurting, destroying everything. I killed the good guys, I killed innocent people.

I abandoned my family, my friends, my respectful career just to be free. And here I am, in chain, in the chain of my own sins, I'm a sinner, a murderer, a criminal, a monster, I don't deserve people's kindness.

The people of the village told me to head home. They even gave me food and money and even someone who could accompany me to the train station.

I cut my hair shorter than before. I changed out of the clothes that was mine, I changed my appearance completely because the villagers told me if I had escaped the battlefield, there would be people looking for me. They all had though I was in shock because of the severity of the battle. They were not wrong and they were not the bad guys.

I arrived at the train station, then bought a ticket to the place where I was born and raised in. I had nowhere else to go, maybe if I had paid a visit to my family, I would have been able to decide about what I was going to do.

I tried to forget them, I abandoned them, I hurt them and then I was going back after so long, claiming that I was a part of the family, Selfish, aren't I?

After days of travelling in the train, talking to no one, listening to nothing, seeing nothing, hearing nothing, only crying, I arrived in the town where I came to life.

I went to the house which was my home, better to say which used to be my home. I didn't dare to go near, thinking about seeing them made me worry, what if they didn't recognize me? What if they throw me out? I mean how could I possibly look them in the eye and say I was back?

I wasn't part of their family anymore, I was me, and me was nothing. I hid somewhere near the house hoping to steal glances of them, in order to see what they were doing.

I saw them, laughing alongside each other, hugging, smiling, there was no space left for me to enter, there was no void for me to fill. I was an outcast. Watching them living like they did not know me, like they never had a daughter like me, made me realize something. I had no place to go anymore. I was alone for real, I had destroyed the bridge of hope, I destroyed happiness with my very own hands. I took everything away from myself.

Not even Jeremy could come and get me, not my family, not my friends, not my comrades, not a single soul would feel sad for me. Having nowhere to return to, I found myself in the mountains, and here I am. Talking to myself about everything that happened in my life, talking to myself, I have no one else to talk to. I have nothing.

Jeremy! Are you perhaps seeing me from above? Is there an afterlife? Is everything fine for you there? Are you happy? I can no longer hear your voice, see your face.

Jeremy!

I have nothing else. I'm just crying, why did it all go wrong? Why did I choose something that hurt everyone so much? Who is at fault? Am I the only one at fault? I miss you Jeremy. I miss my family. They are living fine without me.

The world is living fine without me. The people who looked from above to us and mocked us, are still living happily, the people in the street are still trying to survive, the bad guys are still the bad guys. The world didn't change; it didn't even bother to change. What was the reason I was born in a place where no one knows me, no one misses me, no one is waiting for me?

Where can I find peace? I'M NOT EVEN WORTHY OF PEACE.

UH! WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BREATHE? WHY?

You wanna know why because I'm a monster and monsters aren't needed in this world. There's a valley right in front of me filled with rocks. Maybe that's the solution to everything. I have nowhere else to return to, no family to return to, I have to keep moving forward until I can finally be out of this world. I'm running towards the valley, I'm shouting "I hate you world" and now I jump.

.

.

.

.

.

There's no ground beneath my feet.

I'm scared.

I don't wanna die.

I wanna live.

I want my family.

I don't wanna die.

Please.

Someone

Please save….

-The end