Awakening

Even though my inside was completely dead but when I had to meet my family members and the damn society, I would smile. Even though my eyes were telling how broken I was but no one noticed. Not even my family, not even friends, not even a single soul. My mind and heart were at risk. My hands were always shaking and my eyes would burst into tears by every word I could hear. My heart would ache so much. My mind was destroyed and I couldn't even bear a single argument even when it didn't include me. I was always gnashing my teeth even when I wasn't paying attention and it was painful.

My brother was free that summer so he had started to read some tragic stories and he was babbling about how depressed he was and when I told him it wasn't depression and that he was such a weak person to become depressed that easily while he could move his muscles and smile, he would tell me:" what do you even know about depression? A person like you who's always laughing and taking matters lightly will never understand the pain of those who can't laugh."

What a bullshit! I was indeed depressed but I never even told myself that I was depressed and in my lonely world I was struggling to survive, I was struggling to laugh even when my heart was not there anymore.

I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to disappear somewhere and live far away from humans. I never once thought of killing myself even though I was dead and life was hard to continue but I didn't give up and as day passed by my family would talk to me like I was a stone made of no emotion and no feelings and they could say whatever they wanted without guilt. Why was everyone like this? It's true that I asked for bad guy's death, but compared to the behavior of my family, I didn't know which one was worse. A person who hates human beings and a person who hurts human beings, which one is worse? Well the answer is up to society to decide and of course an outcast like me had no choice but to believe I was the bad guy. It wasn't hard for me to believe I was the bad guy, because a part of me was still lingering in that house and wanted to believe I was the one who made such a horrible sin deserved to be treated like that, but I never mentioned my hatred in society. I never told people that I hated them because I still loved and cared about them.

So I, no my father chose my major and we had to wait and see which university would accept me which was a failure in my father's eyes. After a few days, the results came and I got accepted in the best university of our country as a nursing student. Yes, that's right. I, who loathed people, was a nurse-to-be. I was happy, really happy. The flower that got burned inside me, grew up and healed me. Even though it couldn't help me get back the smile that I owned, I was happy. Being a nurse was a blessing for me. At least I got to know that there is a God, above us all, who's listening to us, who's looking out for us, who's beside us. I wanted to forgive people and start a new life while being a nurse, because I couldn't bear it anymore. I wanted something to call as my home, something that I wanted to belong to and university was the right and the only way possible. But things didn't happen according to what I had expected and again the flower died.

After news got spread that I was accepted in a very loving major and in a well-known university, people started to praise me, and guess what? My family took credit for that. No one praised me but they praised the surname which defined my parents. Everywhere I went, family, friends, people they were all talking about how great the parents were and there was no sign of me in their talks. Why did everyone forget me? Why? Ha! I didn't care about them at all, I never wanted to care about those jerks. "Fine, forget me, forget me with all you have, That's fine with me." And that became the way I started my new life, which wasn't any different from before. But something changed, a drastic change shook my life. I fought back my tears, I stopped being a crybaby and a depressed woman.

One day when I opened my eyes, I felt no sadness in me anymore. I knew what sadness was but I didn't feel it. it was way different than the hatred that I had. I could feel power, the power to stand and to fight. The running blood in my veins was burning every cell of my body. I could feel a strong side of me which has never been there before, something was awakened in me, somehow like the awakening of a Devil.

The burned soul of mine was still there but I couldn't feel those horrible pain anymore. I didn't know was it a good decision to accept the way I had become but it just felt awesome. Finally, after days of constant pain, I could laugh and be free. I was free. Free like a bird who was set free. My wings were eager to move and take me away to a far land which I decided to call home. A place where people like me were there and trying to be free and enjoy their lives. It doesn't sound real, I know, who might be the residents or where is it? Is it the Utopia which we all wanted to live in? Or is it Atlantis which was buried down in the oceans? It's unbelievable, right? But there is a place like this, I assure you once you set your foot there you will no longer feel pain and you can be free, but do not expect me to tell you the address. I went through a lot to reach it; any normal human can't reach it. IT IS OUR HOME NOT YOURS, DIRTY HUMANS.

I wasn't afraid to reveal the real me anymore, so I joined my family who were sitting together and happily forgetting me. I was smiling with different eyes than before, I had eyes which showed no emotion, no innocence, no sadness. Even my family realized the change in my face. And along with my eyes, a new character in me was seen. I laughed alongside them and they got scared. They had the right to be scared because the innocent ghost was gone and a Devil was born instead. I can't forget how it felt amazing to finally speak and take back what was taken from me. The family who ignored me, had no courage to disagree with me, because I would eat them alive. It was what they believed and I had absolutely no problem with. All these years, I got blamed while being innocent and free of faults, it sucked but that time, I know they cursed me in their hearts and I do know they blamed me but it didn't suck anymore, I was a sinner but I was glad. Who cares about being a sinner when they can finally breathe?

"Let them taste what it felt like" had become my motto. My sweet and dear revenge felt awesome. They finally realized, THEY REALIZED, THEY WERE IN PAIN! THEIR SOULS GOT BURNED! THEIR HEARTS BROKE, AS MY SMILE BECAME WIDER AND WIDER. FAMILY WAS NO LONGER A HINDRANCE FOR ME. I WAS FREE.

I came out of that rotten house and headed to university. Unlike how I was in the house my face became so innocent while set my foot there. It was fine with me; they didn't need to know the brutal side of me.

A Devil like me had started to study as a nurse. Those fool humans thought I was like them and treated me as their family, uh! What an unsightly word! Their ridiculous behavior disgusted me the most. The nurses had done nothing wrong and I wasn't on bad terms with them, they were innocent so I moved away from them. They weren't my target, so I dropped out of university. I had no intention of saving people so I drifted away and found the right place where I was needed.