Chapter 26 - Wherein Shadows Are Given Shape

They never stopped. Not even once. Sure, the guards had more experience, but against the sheer number of the slaves and their knowledge of the inner tunnels, they were overwhelmed eventually. Not that it was easy. No. It was anything but. As far as Lozen could tell, firefight raged on through the entire night with bodies dropping dead at every minute, but only one side had bodies to spare.

The guards tried to outsmart them, but it was clear from their efforts that they weren't used to such a course of action. Lozen wasn't surprised. They were hired only to point and shot, not win battles. This wasn't a war. It was an occupation and they were simply the deterrent to prevent this exact situation from happening. All it took was one madman with a silver tongue and all that fear they had so carefully built up would come crashing down. Without that fear, their defeat was inevitable.

It was slow, however. The slaves pushed up, little by little, body by body, drop by drop until the guards started wising up to their predicament. Some kept up there fight even when it was obvious they weren't going to win while others took the only smart option and fled the sinking ship. She wasn't sure how many of them actually made it, but it couldn't have been many. The tunnels were everywhere in the manor and there were simply too many slaves. Someone was bound to find them.

Nevertheless, as the dawn started to break, the fighting had died down and judging from the cheering, she figured they must have found the prize she left for them. Not that she ever figured out what they did with him. Tortured, maimed, or just plain killed, she never knew. She didn't have time to stick around and find out.

Hiding was much more difficult than she had previously thought. The size of the rebel's worked to her disadvantage, but unlike them, she had never been caught. There were more close calls then she would have liked, but when dawn came and they all came rushing out of the tunnels to enjoy their freedom, she remained unfound. The tunnels cut into the walls were empty enough for her move around undisturbed, though she still had to avoid the areas where the fighting had occurred. Everyone who survived was busy burying those who didn't and not only did she not need any of them seeing her, she didn't think she could take it if she saw them again.

The only reason she was still here was because that idiot was busy soaking up all the attention he was getting from his performance. He kept himself immersed in the crowds, his skull and soul quite literally exposed and sucking up all the applause and praise he received from the freemen around him. Whenever she could sneak out of the tunnels, she could hear him making yet another speech regarding his heroics and how good it made everyone else look. She was surprised. Her ability to feel shocked at anything that bastard did was long since depleted. Besides.....she didn't feel like she had the right to judge him anymore. He was foolish, overblown, and the unliving embodiment of narcissism, but at least he had been doing something.

He inspired them when their souls were little more than dust and gave them the push they needed to rise up. She just left them down in that hole without a second thought. Hell, she didn't even know how he did it and if that's what it took to bring all these people back to life....she couldn't do anything more then keep them alive. That had to change, but she couldn't do that without him.

So for a while it looked like she was just going to have to jump around and avoid detection until he decided to fulfill the goal that literally gave him life. However, there was one moment she felt that she needed to witness. For some reason, all of the rebels, once they had put the bodies somewhere safe, were all flooding back into the main dining hall that was only a few hours ago inhabited only by the stuck up colonizers. They were still wearing trash and covered in grim, but their faces seemed much more alive than before. Their eyes were wide and each of their faces had a smile resting on them. Some of them were holding others in their arms and even a few of the children had been brought up to smell the fresh air. It wasn't good by any means, Hell, she swore some of them were missing limbs, but it was better. At least there was a chance of doing so.

She waited until they were all gathered in the room before slinking out of the tunnels and pressing her ear to the doors that lead out to the balcony above. Even inside the walls she could hear that undead bastard monologuing to himself as he made his way to what she could vaguely hear him calling "his stage". Honestly, she just thought he was trying to upstage Cane from when he had a mental breakdown the night before. It was honestly quite pathetic, but it at least concentrated all the people in one room while he started his speech.

"Well, well, WELL!!! HOW ABOUT THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!" He started with most of the people down there joining him for a collective cheer. Lozen would have rolled her eyes if she didn't stop to think about how the hell people were understanding him now. Tone of voice? Hand gestures? Oh, who cares? He was keeping them all distracted and that was good enough. Now, she needed to find a guard.

She didn't have to run through manor for long before she managed to find one of the colonizers' bodies. None of the rebels had even bothered to clean up their bodies and some of them even looked like they had been stomped on a few times. Grizzly in any other circumstance, but convenient in this one. Lozen found a body stewing in it's blood that looked like it had been bludgeoned the most and beant down to do what she concerned the most gruesome thing she would ever do....apart from what happened last night. She squatted down next to the corpse, making sure only the tips of her boots touched the blood before reaching out to grab a piece of it's bicep. It took a bit of wrenching, but eventually she tore a massive piece of muscle free from the arm with a wet snap. Blood and boxers soaked into her gloves and the entire body wrenched from the force before she managed to tear it off.

With the meat in hand, she snuck her way back into the tunnels and continued down them until she arrived at the door that led outside. It took a while and forced her to pass through far too many blood spots then she would have liked, but she managed to get outside the manor without much trouble. Her eyes strained as they looked out a gloriously clear sky and her skin prickled as they registered the dry heat of the Texas desert. Even the grass seems too bright to be real, though the blood dripping from the meat did dule the glow coming from each blade.

Lozen raised the meat high over her head as she started wandering around the manor, hoping to herself out of sight from any wayward strangers that might be passing by the windows. "Beatrice!" She called out in a half whisper as she waved the meat in front of her. "Beatrice, come on out! I've got human flesh for you!" The galloping came much sooner than she had hoped and in an instant, she saw that goddamn hellbeast rushing around the corner up ahead. It's jaw was hanging open with saliva and blood dripping from that disgusting maw and was more than enough for her to make her panic. She jumped to the side and tossed the meat up right before the beast rushed past her, snatching the dripping slab of meat out of thin air.

A hand went down to her gun as she saw the creature come to a halt, chewing her treat like a dog on a bone. Lozen shuddered at the sight and took a moment to repress everything she was seeing before saying "Look, I'm sure you're having your fun....." She suppresses the image that came to mind associating Beatrice and fun. "Eating the bodies, but I need your help." The creature gave her a dismissive grunt before resuming the eating if it's treat.

"I know, but in case you didn't notice, not all of us should stay here. I just need you to tell Judas we have to get on the road before someone finds me. I can only hide for so long."

Beatrice tilted her head in confusion and Lozen answered "It doesn't matter why. We need to go. Can you please just tell him that? And make sure he grabs whatever's left of Cane and Alberta. Meet me at the north end of the premises and make sure you aren't followed."

Beatrice let out another uncaring snort.

"Fine. Eat as much as you want, but bring him after you're done."

The beasts seemed to be contemplating the request before bowing her head and scurrying back the way she had come. It didn't leave a single scrap of meat behind, much to Lozen's everlasting disgust and without thinking much more of it, she rushed away from the spot. She never saw anything that could have held a horse on the premise like she had hoped, but thankfully the massive garden was just as devoid of people as anything else.

Still, she dashed across the garden just in case there were prying eyes anywhere and using the sun overhead as a compass, managed to find the fence before long. She hoped it the second she could, hoping the iron would give her some protection if some of the freemen saw and decided to murder the woman who had taken from them their hero. The one who came back.

Sand and dry dirt felt strange under her boots. While the way it crinkled under her feet and the unpolished nature of the debri were comforting, they were also jarring when compared to the manor. Everything in that place had been cleaned and sterilized to perfection all to make itself more appealing to every single sense. For her, it just made the place more disorienting. Her whole life had been spent outside, separated from nature only by a thin sheet of deer skin. The smell of old dust wafting across dry air, the feeling of dirt crunching against your feet, and the subtle white noise of rushing winds and distance animals. It was alive, but not in a way that required being flaunted. All you had to do was listen and hear the world's pulse.

It was a little jarring to have to step back out here after spending what felt like an eternity in that ornate death trap and strange in many other ways. All at once the freedom she felt every time she stepped out here hit and overwhelmed her. Before she was trapped inside that painted crypt and forced to go wherever the hallways lead. Now she was back out in the open, free to go wherever she liked. A little much, but she enjoyed it nevertheless.

She also had a moment to herself which proved itself to be a double edge sword. On the one hand, the quiet was downright heavenly, letting her stretch out her limbs and enjoy the open air. At the moment, no one was coming to kill her and she felt as if she had done....something back there. She wasn't sure if it was good or bad, but she didn't regret it. Cane had it coming and she could find other ways to get the money. Hell, the bounties she already collected were still something.

Though, the more time she spent with her thoughts, the less and less she wanted to. Memories from the previous night came creeping up from the back of her mind, vines choking whatever joy she could have found in her solace. She could still hear that woman's screams echoing in the background, her pleas for the impossible, and the hatred burning in her eyes. A hatred she found hard to argue against.

He didn't seem like a bad person. She wasn't even sure she could call him foolish anymore. He had a family from what she had heard. Shame that he only got it back in his last moments. Would he come back again? Was that even possible? Would he do it if he could? Would he come after her? If he did, should she let him have his revenge? When these bounties were delivered and Judas came galloping into her town, she'd have no more reason to stay alive. Not like she could give them what the deadman could.

So if that man did come back...maybe it was time to leave this up to someone else.

Her thoughts were cut off after a while by the distant sound of galloping coming from the otherside of the fenceline. A comforting wave of simple annoyance washed over her as she saw it, forcing out a small sigh before she turned to see the source of the noise. Like she expected, she saw a single rotting stallion galloping along across the manors lawn with a small, yet growing crowd of freemen pouring out of the manor behind him. He seemed to be enjoying that last part. Most of the people behind him were shouting dozens of variations on the phrase "thank you!" while he rode away, waving goodbye with his hat.

She looked around, trying to figure out where the gate was that they were aiming for, only to take a few steps away from the fence line when she realized there was none. Beatrice picked up speed as she approached the gate and her one good eyes seemed to narrow right before she kept off the ground with a force Lozen would never have figured her rotten limbs could. Judas took the chance to give one massive wave with his hat as his body seemed to line up with the rising sun from a certain angle.

Another sigh was forced out of her as the beast's hooves hit the ground, but her annoyance didn't last long once she remembered who he was showing off to. Her eyes briefly glanced over the animal again as Judas cried out "Now go forth and enjoy your freedom!! Rejoice in knowing that this day shall go down history!!"

"You know they can't understand you, right?" Lozen said as she marched over to Beatrice. There were two large objects wrapped up in blood stained cloth tied to her back that judging from their body like shape, must have been their bounties. "Holy shit!!" Judas cried out as he finally noticed her and practically jumped right off his saddle. "When did you get here?!"

"I've been here for thirty minutes. Where were you?"

"Wha...nooooooo. It wasn't thirty minutes...was it?"

"Let me guess, you're wondering if you paddled on for that long?"

"I know, right!!? That's a new record."

She was half tempted to further insult him for that, but she felt her annoyance die down as she kept looking at the beaming smile still shining down on the rebel's in the distance.

"Oh...that sounds impressive." She muttered as she fastened the ropes holding the bodies in place. "Are these their bodies?" She found herself asking for insurance.

"Yeah. Cane might be a little banged up though. Those savages really took their time with the bastard. Though, I made sure they didn't damage the face too much. I'm assuming you took care of Alberta?"

Lozen froze as she heard that. Images of the event flashed in front of her, the man saving her life for no reason, the young woman falling to her knees, and the push those people made in the face of her action. Her hand shook for a second as he guts twisted from the shock at herself and a ball started crawling up the back of her throat. She tried pushing down that reaction and just focus ahead, but the tremor that had started to slowly build in her bones refused to be quelled.

"Not exactly." Lozen muttered as she finished fassening the bodies. "What's that mean? You either killed them or didn't." She pulled herself up into Beatrice, crushing herself between two corpses behind her and the one in front before saying "We need to get moving."

Judas fell quiet for a moment before saying "Are you okay? You seem.....tame. What happened last night?"

"Let's just get going."

"Because I had a ball. You should have seen me! I swear, I gave the best rallying cry I ever could have! There was this whole bit about forging the road with the bones of enemies and somehow I worked in a mountain goat! Ah, it was great! And the Wraith was there the whole time to translate just so you..." He seemed to stop his mocking as he turned around to look at her. His lips hung open for a moment and his eyes seemed to petrify in place, letting the enthusiasm drain from his expression. Lozen didn't quite understand what made him freeze, but judging from his previous comments, she must have been wearing her emotions on her wrist.

"Wow. Seriously, what happened to you? You look more deflated then a balloon in a box of needles."

Lozen pulled her bandana back over her face as he asked that and drove the spur of her boot into Beatrice's legs, sending the beast marching across the desert.

"We need to get going. If these bodies rot away before we find a law office, they'll be worthless. There should be a town due north of here. It's on the way to the reserves where Isacriot should be." Was all she said before Judas turned back around and Beatrice began trotting away from the desert.

"Okay, look, I know you really wanted Sirius to hand over that shit ton of money, but trust me, it wasn't gonna happen. Even before that bastard lost his damn mind, he was a backstabbing as it got." He gestured to himself. "Case in point. Besides, you'll be able to buy a whole feast with those bastards heads."

Lozen didn't know what to say. She didn't feel like cutting him short and it just felt wrong to call him insensitive at this point. Like she was anything to boast about. But she felt the need to say something. All that he did, all that hope and passion he inspired in those people, and after the way she had so callously tried to tear it down without even noticing, she needed to say something. Anything.

What did she want to say? What did she need to hear? Some many questions she wanted answered, but she felt like she didn't deserve to ask any of them. She didn't even know where to start and directing her every thought or what was supposed to be her desire wasn't helping. How was she supposed to find an answer when she didn't even know the question? What was she supposed to care about? How did she make sure that monster in that manor didn't follow her back to her home? What if she started talking and it all came out wrong? Would it even matter if she did? Was it already too late? Would an answer not help? Had her poison already taken hold? Was it really going to be all her fault? Was she going to be the one who had to watch what was left slow rot-Stop.

Don't let fear be your undertaker. Just start talking. Let go. Imagine he's Cane. Imagine you don't have a thing to prove. Ignore the actual.

"What did you do, Judas?"

"Hey!! I managed to inspire and lead a full blown rebellion that led to two of those bastards being killed!"

"That's not what I meant."

"And I found that silver too! I didn't miss a single thing this time so you don't have dick to complain about!"

Beatrice neighed.

"See!! Even the bloodthirsty horse thinks I did great!"

"Judas! I'm not complaining! You did fine! You really did!"

"Well I....." Judas cleared his throat before saying "Pardon?"

"You....I don't know. Whatever you did to get all those people to fight back...it was....." She straightened herself out. "Very well executed and...I'm wondering what it was." She knew the question. "What did you do that made all those rebel?"

Judas paused for a second before saying "Jesus, what happened last night?"

"Just answer the question."

"I don't know. I just pulled off my masks, catching everyone's attention, and then started giving this impassioned and inspired speech that-"

Sensing the ego dripping from his pronunciations of those words, Lozen cut in "But what did you say that made them turn?"

"To be honest...I can barely remember. It was all really in the moment, you know? I just said the firsts things that came to mind and in case you didn't notice, didn't really have any to write it all down. Though lord knows I cried. You know, bone is a lot harder to write on then you might think."

"Then what can you remember?"

"Let me think...I guess the main part was, and don't quote me on this, 'Do you know the greatest gift your ancestors had? Not their skill! Not their brains! Not even their brawn! But looking out over a cruel, savage world and daring to think it could be tamed!! That something better could come from it all!! A place swarming with nearly monstrous, treacherous skies, long famines, and cold nights!! And you know what they did with that!? They made something better, something new, something no mere dog could have ever imagined! Homes, families, entire civilizations, all started because one man many centuries ago thought they could be real!! That's all it took! One man and now look around!! All of you from the frozen north to scorched south have braved this world and erected something that will change the course of history!! Now look at what you can do!!? You can defy death itself!! Imagine that!! This man came back from the great beyond all for you!! So I ask you, is this all you deserve?! A tomb to rot in!? Is that it?! You, a people so great you were worth climbing out of the grave for! You, the ones who wrangled bears and tamed the wilds! You, who looked at wave after wave of sickness, starvation, and genocide and said no!! We will not go!' We will not be buried!! We will persist!! We will continue!! We will survive!! And now we have spat in the face of death, because we!! Are!!......damn it."

"What?"

"I lost my momentum. But you get the gist, right? I mean, imagine it. If the dead can come back to life, a little rebellion can't be too hard."

"Huh.....I never thought of it like that." She said, her voice drooping unintentionally as his words sank in. Judas must have heard that because after another pause where all that could be heard was the clopping of Beatrice's hooves, he spoke again. This time however, his voice didn't seem to have as much of the sharpened enthusiasm as it had before. It was still there, but the blade it often twisted into her gut was dulled just enough to be noticeable.

"You know, if you're feeling guilty about not helping out, don't be. It's a real dog eat dog world out there and you've got people you need to look out for. I get it. Even the Wraith did. I'm sure those people would too."

Her ears perked up at that nickname and she asked almost out of shock "What did the Wraith say?"

"Oh yeah. Almost forgot. Before I made that big speech and all that, he came into the bunker. Did you know that he had a family in there? Weird. I mean, who thinks about fucking while in there. I'd be real uncomfortable with no walls and all that."

"Judas," Lozen started as she let the guilt that came with the memory pass through her. She took that man from a family that had been stolen from him and vice versa. The least she could do was feel the pain that came with the guilt. "What did you say?"

"What didn't he say? Guy had his whole backstory figured out and everything. Love it when people come prepared. Anyways, he divulged a lot of stuff about him, his dad, etc. Mentioned you quite a few times too."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"And what did he say?"

"Nothing much. Was real cryptic about it. Said something along the lines of 'I hope she finds peace or something'. Real condescending if you ask me."

"Did he?" She let out as her focus returned inward. It wasn't much and a part of her felt like that was all she was going to get.

"I saw him.....during the revolution. I was.....I was trying to fulfill the contract I had with Cane."

"Oooo! Sounds juicy! And what'd you do!?"

"....I wanted to use Alberta as a shield. Your bullets don't seem to be stopped by anything except living flesh, so I brought her along to take whatever shots the Wraith would fire. I ran into move resistance then I thought and in the chaos, Alberta managed to get the upper hand. She took a gun Sirius had stored close by and turned it on me when she had the chance." Her throat froze up as she remembered what happened next.

"Wow. So it looked like you fucked up this time, eh? All that's left is for hell to freeze over and we'll be staring down the barrel of Armageddon before long."

"He saved me."

"What?"

"He...Alberta got cocky and when she did, he killed her before she could do the same to me."

"Huh. Figures."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, he tried keeping you alive. Told everyone to spare you if they say you."

Her heart skipped a beat as she heard that. "W-What? Why?"

"Don't know. Said some malarky about being one of us, but other than that-"

"Jebediah, tell me everything he said, now!!" She didn't realize she was screaming until the words exploded from her mouth.

"Okay, okay! Jesus, fine. Yeah, some people asked him why and he just went on and on about how you were just like them. Just give her time or some shit. For the record, my vote was for not killing you."

Time. What a joke. Even with more time, nothing changed. It never did. She never did. Foolish to the end, thinking she would change...how moronic. But he still acted on that and now, his people and family were free. All she did was make sure he didn't get to see it.

Her heart constricted into itself as the thoughts came back and the answer came to her. It was corny and stupid and naive, but for some reason he did it. A reason she didn't want to know now. He trusted her. And she shot him for that. He wasn't the only one who did so and now she wasn't sure he was the only one who suffered for it.

"Okay, are you just going to keep sulking or are you just gonna get to the point already?" Judas asked, causing Lozen to recognize what she had been doing. She straightened her dropping shoulders and ran a hand under her eyes, hoping he wouldn't press. He didn't deserve....no. She was more deserving than her to know.

"Do you remember anything he told you about his father?" She asked.

"A little. I mean, I kinda slipped in and out through the whole thing-"

"What can you remember?"

"His father died."

She would have let out a sigh if the ball in the back of her throat didn't weigh down her throat. Instead, she just continued.

"When you people started coming over the ocean.....there were a lot of men like that. People who wanted to fight back and stop the slaughter."

"Let me guess. They were idiots."

"...I'm not sure anymore. I mean, I did. For a very long time."

"Wait, did you say that to the Wraith."

"Stop calling him that."

"Why? He didn't seem to mind."

"He had higher priorities at the moment. His name was Hiawatha."

"That's a mouth full."

"Well..." She shook her head. "Nevermind. It doesn't matter. Did you ever wonder why I think that way?"

"Papa didn't love you enough?"

Her throat tightened as she heard that, but she pressed on.

"You're not far off actually."

"Really? I was just joking."

"Well you're right....that's one way of looking at it."

"Okay, what happened to burying me alive if I ever asked your past?"

"Since I killed a man that inspired an entire colony of people to rise up. Now shut up. I'm not gonna say this again. When I was young, my village lived in this forest up in Oklahoma. We weren't very noteworthy. Just another tribe trying to get by, day by day. Nothing to complain about though. My Father thought it was outright paradise and my brother ate it up."

"Holy shit! You have a brother!"

Lozen pushed down a memory brought up by his alarm before saying "Why is that surprising to you?"

"I don't know. I just can't imagine you with a sibling. Or as a child for that matter."

"That crosses the line for you? You're literally a walking corpse."

"A little you? Yes."

"Just keep any shock to yourself for now. Anyways, there's not much I can really say about those times. We ate, drank-"

Judas raised a finger up and inhaled a breath, but Lozen cut him off "Not in the way you're thinking. There was this little stream a ways away the children used to try to catch fish in and this tiny opening we played in."

"Really? What'd you play?"

"Just kids stuff. Hunter's was a common game. Some of us would be the deer sneaking through the tall grass while others tried to catch them."

"Like tag."

"A bit. My Father wanted us to play it. Said it was good practice before we started learning to hunt. He taught us, you know? Me and my brother. Everyday, he'd take us out into the woods with this massive bow in hand and made us take turns firing it. Beduiat was awful with it."

"Beduiat? That's your brother, right?"

"Yeah. He hated using that bow. No, that's not right. He hated seeing me use it better. And....." She smiled at the recollection. "I may have enjoyed showing off a bit."

"Okay, now that's horseshit!"

"What did I say about alarm?"

"Right, right. Proceed."

"Everyday we'd go out and practice with that thing. A few other tools too. Befuiat was better with a spear then me and my Father could out fight any of us with a dagger." Her hand drifted to the obsidian blade still tied to her side, her mouth twitching a bit as she suppressed a grin.

"He also would talk on and on about all the stories he was told as a child. About people coming up from the underworld to settle the whole world, a man who drowned in a lake only to come back to help his people, and another about something called the Swallowing Monster."

"The hell is that?"

"I don't know. I could never stay around long enough to know."

"Wait, were you scared by a bedtime story?"

"Weren't we all?"

"Fair enough."

"Anyways, it was like that for a while..." Her head dropped. "I think I was seven or something....we had started hearing about a group of colonizers moving their way westward. They ran into a few villages...only a few made it out. We gave shelter to the ones who did and tried to think about what to do, but we didn't have many options. Everyone had heard about what happened to people who met the colonizers by then. All the sickness and ruin.....a lot of us thought we should run. I thought we should run....My father had other ideas. He thought we should stand and fight, that if we didn't take a stand here, more people would be harmed. Beduiat thought so too."

"Were they fools too?"

"Yes...no..." She took a breath when she felt her throat start to tremble and just continued "My Father wanted to take a hunting party and go out to meet the 'invaders' before they had a chance to rally....I tried telling him this was insane. That we should just pack up and move out of their waybut everyone wanted to go with him. Even my brother. He went on and on about how we shouldn't let the invaders bully us. We should fight back. 'What would you say to your children?' he said. He really thought he was going to be some hero at the end of it all...."

"I hate to ask, but.....did he?"

"A couple days later, that crowd of colonizers came marching in. Middle of the night.....none of us were prepared and all the hunters were gone.....we barely got out."

"Oh....."

"I....I got out when I could, tried running as far as I could while everything....burned."

"And you think that it's your dad's fault?"

"It's only the fault of the people who attacked us...but all my father did was leave us....and drag Beduiat with him. They left us all to die out there. Burning alive, being skinned, raped, or just have our throats slit. We could have run......I told them we should have run. That was all we needed to do. Just pack up our things and run. All of that...it didn't have to happen. But no. Everyone wanted to play the hero. They wanted to go down in a blaze of glory, well they forgot that they were leaving people behind when they did....leaving them there to wonder if they were ever coming back."

"....Well, maybe they didn't."

"What?"

"Maybe they went out there because of the people they were leaving behind."

"But why couldn't they just stay?"

"....How far would you have to run to get away from those man?"

"What does that mean?"

"I mean, what exact distance would you have to go in order to escape from them?"

"How would I know?"

"Because you were suggesting it. So if you had to run, then how far would you have to go?"

"I don't know. You can't just say that-"

"Then why did you want to run?"

"Because we would have been safer."

"Yeah. Because you're real safe now. Starving and constantly on the verge of death."

"We're alive."

"Are you?"

"Ye....."

She couldn't come up with the words. They sat on her tongue and tasted of poison, but she couldn't spit them out.

"Do you really think they were stupid?"

"I don't know anymore."

"Well....shit, I don't know what to say after that."

"I know. I just thought you deserved to know."

"Really? What changed?"

"You helped those people, didn't you?"

"....You do realize it's me you're talking to, right?"

"You still helped them.....more than I ever did."

"Aren't I an idiot though?"

"Exactly."

They both fell silent after that. Lozen didn't know what had finally shut him up, but once again the clopping of Beatrice's hooves were the only thing to be heard. The words were lost to her. Everything was. The only thing she could hold onto was this guilt taking root in her gut.

Her hands started to shake for a moment before she buried them in her armpits and tried pushing down what she was feeling. She wasn't sure what to do, only that she hated having to do it.

"Oh, I see what's going on here." Judas spoke up, interrupting her thoughts before they could begin whispering venom into her ears.

"You're feeling guilty about killing him, aren't you?"

Lozen didn't answer. She simply squirmed in place for a moment before submitting herself to a question she feared being answered "Jebediah...am I a bad person?"

"Excuse me?"

She didn't say another word.

"Well....you're wondering if you are, right? Most bad people I know never do that. They just look straight ahead, morality be damned."

"But I-"

"Well you are now, right? Can't fix the past, Lozen. Just make sure it doesn't happen again. That's all we get to do. And you know that feeling you're getting right now, the storm in your gut that makes you want to go back and slap yourself for being so stupid..." She didn't know why he stopped there. "Hold onto that, because you don't wanna wake up one day and realize it's gone. Then....then you'll just be the same old idiot as before."

His voice sounded off. Like he had lost an ancient Lozen never realized he was doing. Every word was sunk to the ground and joined his head as it tipped over. She could see his grip around Beatrice's reins loosen just a bit as those words walked from his mouth, not holding their head high like their predecessors. All this time and she could only think of one time where he sounded this vulnerable. Good. She needed someone to let their guard down. She needed someone to trust her. Just once. Just now.

"You sound like you're speaking from experience." She found herself saying.

"In case you didn't notice, I didn't exactly live an honorable life."

"Are you not proud of that?"

"Yes...but not all of it."

"Which part do you regret?"

"The beginning." He said that so quickly.

"Did you leave someone behind?" She asked as delicately as possible.

"No. That's not it. More like...I just have a past I don't want to repeat. But I think I'm doing a pretty good job so far and I'm an incompetent fool."

Lozen raised an eyebrow at that and said "Huh....I guess you're right."

"But don't tell that to anyone else! If you tell anyone I said that, I'll hang you from the rafter and dance in the rain of your blood!!"

She cracked a small smile at that. He had a point under all that. If a naive, bombastic, narcissistic fool could do all that, maybe there was still some hope for her. But there was still one lingering thought that gripped her mind.

"But is it ever going to make what you did alright?"

"No, but if it could, it wouldn't be so important now would it. That shit you do doesn't go away. It just lingers and it's never gonna be 'alright'."

"So....that's just it?"

"Yup. So suck it up and live with the guilt."

"Huh....is that it?"

"Yeah...guess it is."

She thought for a moment, touching the welt resting in the back of her mind. It wasn't going away. She guessed that much. But maybe it didn't have to have company. Maybe.

"Judas?"

"Yeah?"

"There's something I want you to do for me."

"Which is?"

"When this is all over, can you come to my village and.....do the thing you did to those people back there?"

"Huh." He seemed to perk up, his childish nature returning as if he just spotted a balloon. "I've never had a request before. Sure. Why not. I'll even do it free of charges."

"You don't get paid."

"And if you behave the rest of the trip, maybe I won't find a reason to change that."

Lozen had no idea what he was on about now, but it wasn't hurting anyone, yet, so she let it slide. She even found herself laughing a bit. He could help them. Better then she ever could at least. She only hoped it would be enough, but for now she laughed. Nothing more and for the first time in a while, that was alright. For the first time, she was reminded that things could get better. All she needed was this man. Dead or alive.