The Nine-tailed Fox wants to die

tw: for painfully technical sex talk

Wu Yun waves at the decomposing pile with a tired sigh. "Please o great featherless chicken, enlighten us."

Wan Mi is torn between her desire to bite back with a smart retort, and to prove how clever she is. In the end, being clever wins out. "I didn't get close enough at the inn to notice, but this smell is unmistakable. They were killed by a smiting weapon."

"What is that?" Asks Lan Tian, inspecting the pile of rotten gore closer, as if that might tell him something about the weapon that did it.

"It's a kind of weapon that only gods have, but they're only supposed to use it against other gods, demons, monsters and beasts. It disintegrates the body and removes the soul from the cycle of reincarnation. A mortal human would never be as powerful or dangerous as to require such a punishment."

"And do all gods just walk around with a weapon capable of disintegrating bodies and souls?" Wu Yun asks. If the Jade Emperor has one of those, how is he supposed to get close enough to kill him? He doesn't want to be smote out of existence!

Wan Mi scoffs at him, as if his words are preposterous. "Of course not! If every minor god had a smiting weapon there would be no gods left! They all have thousand-year grudges over sitting placements, and who has the shiniest palace in the celestial realm."

"So only the powerful gods have them?" Lan Tian says, furrowing his brows.

"Yes, only higher gods have smiting weapons, and not all of them. As far as I know only the Celestial Justices do."

"What is a Celestial Justice? And how do you know so much about the gods, anyway if you're a phoenix?" Wu Yun really hates having to rely on Wan Mi for information. The arrogant tilt of her chin makes him want to shout 'forget I asked!' as soon as the question is out of his mouth.

"I told you already, some mystic beasts have heavenly protection, and a special status. Phoenixes and dragons are some of them. The gods respect our wisdom and power, we are allowed to visit the heavens, and they come down to our sacred mountains for talks often. I've met with lots of gods!"

Wu Yun crosses his arms. "Have you?"

Wan Mi splutters in indignation. "Well, my master has, and I was there too! Nine-tailed foxes like you however, are nothing but errand boys and girls, whenever the gods have a task for you."

"The Celestial Justices, who are they?" Lan Tian asks, trying to get them both to focus on the issue at hand.

"They travel to every realm to enact the Heavenly will. No one is supposed to upset the balance between the three realms, if someone does, a Celestial Justice will enact punishment and correct the natural flow of qi of the universe."

Wu Yun raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "Are you trying to tell my that three families from Liucun have upset the natural qi flow of the universe?"

Some of the air seems to go out of Wan Mi. "No. Humans aren't supposed to be able to do that. That's why the smiting weapons can't be used on them."

"So who did this? A rogue Celestial Justice?" Lan Tian asks.

Wan Mi crouches down on the floor, grabbing her knees and trying to touch the remains with the tip of her booth. "I don't know, maybe? It's not like I have a direct line to what goes on in the Heavens."

"There's only one way to find out," Wu Yun says, pacing around the scorched room. "These three families must have something in common that made them a target for the Celestial Justice, or whoever else got their hands on a smiting weapon. We just need to find out what."

---

They have visited three houses already and the only thing they found in common between the three families is a remarkably dull existence. Even the rich Mu family wasn't interested in much besides a good marriage for their daughter.

"So, the only things we know is that the Li family's plow broke, and they needed the money for a new one, as old man Li could be heard at the tavern complaining often. The Liang family wanted to find a good cook for the inn because the last one ran away with a shepherd boy. And The Mu family wanted a good husband for their daughter." Wu Yun says, counting the facts they've gathered in his fingers as they walk down the gravel road.

"Which they did, because she's the only family member who survived, since she was already living at her husband's family home." Lan Tian points out.

"We should go talk with her," Wan Mi pipes up.

Wu Yun groans. "I don't want to go to even more trouble. Let's try to find as much as we can here before traveling to another place. Who knows which problems they'll have there? Bloodsucking pigs?"

Lan Tian snorts and knocks on the next door in the neat row of houses.

A young woman opens the door. Her eyes widen once she sees them and her face splits up in a huge grin. "Oh it's you! I heard you were making the rounds asking questions. Come in, come in!"

She pulls Lan Tian by the sleeve and drags him into her house. The house would be unremarkable, and no different from all the other houses they visited if not for the piles of paper, and bamboo strip scrolls scattered over every available surface.

The young woman sweeps up all the papers and scrolls over the dining table and throws them on the floor. She then picks up a blank sheet from the pile, a brush and an inkstone, and sits down on the floor at the head to the table.

"Please sit down," she says with an expansive gesture of her arm, as if she's a benevolent master showing them a feast instead of an empty table without even a teapot.

The three of them sit down awkwardly, and look around the room as the woman writes down a few things on the paper.

"Please don't notice the mess, I'm studying for the civil servant exam," she says, her head still lowered.

"That's going to be hard to do," Wu Yun tells Lan Tian in a whisper.

"My name is Bai Xiaoli, I assume you're here about the mysterious deaths that have been happening in our little village. Fascinating aren't they!"

"You can call them that..." Lan Tian says, taken aback by Bai Xiaoli's energy.

"Well, I'm fascinated about the two of you! You're the first cultivators I meet, and a pair of dual cultivators no less! I can't waste the opportunity to ask you a few questions, it would be great for my studies."

"Are they going to ask about cultivation in the civil servant exam?" Wu Yun asks, terrified of the direction the conversation is taking.

Bai Xiaoli laughs off his question as if it's the funniest thing she has heard in ages. "Of course not, but I'm passionate about knowing everything there is to know about the world. Most of us common mortals will never be able to become cultivators, so it's an area of study that hasn't been very explored."

Wu Yun shoots Wan Mi a glare that he hopes conveys all the terrible things he'll do to her if she says any of the horrible things she's planning to.

"We should get back to finding out more about the murdered families," Lan Tian says, trying to get up from the table.

Bai Xiaoli pulls him back down by the hem of the robes, almost making him topple down on the floor.

"I'll be happy to help you once you've answered my questions." Bai Xiaoli says, smiling widely. "First, how exactly does dual cultivation work? It's understood that the two cultivators would have sex and that this process would generate qi, that would be then absorbed into their inner qi flow. My question is: how is the qi generated?"

Wu Yun exchanges a panicked look with Lan Tian who looks like all his blood has migrated to his face.

"Uhm...that, I...that is..."

Bai Xiaoli ignores their obvious discomfort and bludgeons on, "Is penetration necessary for the qi exchange? Or is it internal ejaculation? But that can be it, because how would it work for two female dual cultivators? Is the procedure different depending on the sex of the involved participants?"

Wu Yun's head is reeling with all the words coming out of Bai Xiaoli's mouth. He keeps hearing the words 'internal ejaculation' on a loop, and while he isn't quite sure what they mean exactly, his latest dream and his body's reaction upon waking up is giving him an idea of what it might entail.

Lan Tian is no longer red, and has now lost all colour in his face. Even the thick-faced Wan Mi is looking a little shaken.

"I don't think this conversation is appropriate..." Lan Tian starts, voice wavering. "There's a child."

Bai Xiaoli lets out a laugh like the sound of tinkling bells. "Nonsense, she is a cultivator herself, isn't she? Besides when I was her age I'd already read all my father's anatomy books, it's a good thing for a young girl to be informed."

"I think we'd better leave," Wu Yun says, looking around the room for the quickest escape route.

"Nonsense, you just got here! I understand that my previous questions might have been too personal I apologize. Tell me instead if there's a certain criteria for two people to become dual cultivators, is it a matter of having compatible qi? Or would any two cultivators be able to do it."

Lan Tian reckons that the fastest they tell her something the fastest they'll get out of there. "Uhm, the first one?"

"Oh! Interesting." She writes down something on the paper, but after a few seconds her keen eyes are fixed on them once again. "So how did the two of you know you were compatible? Is there some sort of ceremony? Is it necessary to have sex for the first time to be sure, or would something like a kiss be enough?"

Wu Yun is going to die. In fact he hopes he does in the next minutes, because he can't take anymore of this woman's questions. How is he supposed to look Lan Tian in the eye after this?

"Uh, a kiss..." Lan Tian says, still clinging on to the hopeless belief that all of this will be over soon.

Bai Xiaoli nods excitedly and writes it down on her paper. "And during the act itself, when penetration happens, which one of you is the active partner? Does that matter for the qi exchange? Do you switch, or is it better for one the cultivators to stick to a certain role in every exchange?"

Wan Mi gets up from the floor suddenly, startling them all. "Father," she says to Wu Yun, her face crimson. "My stomach hurts, please take me back to Old Ou's house."

Wu Yun doesn't need to be told twice. He takes Wan Mi's arm in one hand, and Lan Tian's hand in the other, and runs towards the door.

"Wait! I have more questions," Bai Xiaoli says, trying to stop them.

"If you don't let us go I will use my cultivation to turn you into a toad," Lan Tian says, in the first display of unprovoked violence Wu Yun has ever seen.

Bai Xiaoli backs away from the door with her arms raised, and the three of them run out of her house as if there are rabid dogs biting at their heels.