Reviews of Heartless Immortal
Heartless Immortal
Heartless_Qi_
- Overall Rate
- Writing Quality
- Updating Stability
- Story Development
- Character Design
- world background
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You asked for honest feedback, so I have been quite candid in this review. This does not mean I did not enjoy your story, or finds it immensely lacking. I am simply trying to help you progress by giving you some pointers. Firstly, your dialogue comes across as wooden and unnatural. I believe it would help if didn’t put as much exposition in your dialogue. Secondly, there is an absence of rhythm in your writing. I miss a cadence when reading your story. It does not necessarily withhold me from immersing myself, but it would help pull in your reader. Lastly, and this one is more personal, but as a reader I wish for more texture. What are the surroundings like? How is the air? Does it smell? Is it clear? Is the sun blinding to the eyes? I want to feel like I am there with you characters. Give me the cracks in the pavement and the chipped paint of shop signs. Give me the feel of the wind and the smell of spices in the air. That’s what transforms a story from good, to great. And that’s what pulls in your reader. Overall, I believe this story has a lot of potential. It has a clear storyline with good characters, and writing. Well done!
The story follows an evil MC, which is my kind of thing. This genre is quickly becoming popular as the plethora of cookie cutter goody two shoes MCs are becoming stale fast. The author does a good job of portraying the evil acts committed by the MC as being logical and driven by personal gains and not as being cartoonishly evil. This makes the reader question what is right and what is correct, is a act driven by self interest right even if it's not always morally correct? I personally can't wait to follow Ying Zheng on his journey. PS. Also the *snafu* *snafu* are quite hot
To be honest, there are two things you need to fix. Firstly, the use of punctuation for some of the dialogues, it'd be better if you insert commas. Secondly, you always repeating the action but also including it in your dialogue e.g. He sighed. "Sigh..." In this situation, if you already wrote the character's action, you don't need to express it in the dialogue because readers could tell the character was sighing
I am currently enjoying the story although it’s still at it start if it goes on and develop i think there is a chance for this to become the new big thing. An importan thing that destroy many stories with “evil” mc is that the author becomes afraid and bit by bit turn him into a generic good guy. [img=fp]
